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Original poster

'Autistic' friend draining me

160 replies

CowardlyNewName · 16/11/2022 14:56

Before anyone slates me, I put 'autistic' as she doesn't have a diagnosis and has decided herself that she's autistic.

I don't really know where to start. We've been close friends for decades. She's always been highly strung and quite demanding but over the last couple of years it's gone off the scale and I can't deal with it. I love her but she drains me so much that my heart sinks now when I see it's her calling. If I don't pick up she'll ring again and again and again until I do. It never used to be this bad.

Last night she rang about 9.00 because an app that I pay for, and allow her to use my account for, wasn't working. She was freaking out because of her 'autism' because she couldn't watch what she normally watches and I got a lecture on the importance of routines for people with autism and I wanted to scream 'I'm not fucking IT support!'.

And what about me? I actually do have an autism diagnosis and one thing everyone knows about me is that talking on the phone causes huge anxiety and should only be used in an emergency. I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question ...'

So now I'm going to the gym just so as I'm not in when she finishes work as I know she'll 'pop in' on her way home with her computer so I can fix it for her. Which if you knew me and my technological capabilites would have you rolling on the floor laughing at the suggestion.

/end rant

OP posts:
NurseBernard · 16/11/2022 15:29

OK so this is just a venting thread.

You don’t want actual suggestions as to how to get her to back off, as you’re not actually willing to do any of them.

Brefugee · 16/11/2022 15:30

then you need to spell it out to her, very very clearly, that she is going to drive you away and be alone if she doesn't stick to your boundaries.

She is not allowed to call you, only message. She is not allowed to call your DH or DD (they should block her tbh). And so on. It feels hard, but if she wants your help she can't disrupt your routine.

Inkyblue123 · 16/11/2022 15:32

She is a CF with no respect for you or your family. Block her, change the app password. Put your phone on night mode from 7-7am, if your phone has this function. When she rocks up at your door, don’t let her in! Tell her she had overstepped the mark and not respected your boundaries, so your friendship is over. Shout it through the letterbox if you hate conflict!

Gall10 · 16/11/2022 15:33

I’d change my Netflix password & let her pay for her own entertainment….I’m like that!

Asher33 · 16/11/2022 15:36

I used to have a friend like this. I'd be called a rubbish friend because I wasn't available 24/7. It got so draining.

Couchpotato3 · 16/11/2022 15:38

OK, so you feel you can't cut her off completely, but you CAN set some limits. DH and DD can block her completely on their phones so that she can't get to you through them.

  1. Decide when is a good time to answer a call from her - set a time of day when you are prepared to speak to her and only answer the phone then (you could block her for the rest of the time if you want). Stick to not answering and she will eventually give up.
  2. When you do answer, give her a set amount of time (maybe aim for 10 minutes max) - have a timer by the phone. At 9 minutes you say "I'll have to go really soon" and at 10 minutes "I have to go now" and you end the call and hang up. Again she will get used to it, and you take back control.
  3. If she calls round unannounced, send DH to the door to say "Sorry, CowardlyNewName isn't available right now, please don't come round without calling to arrange it first". If you are in the house alone, do not answer the door and ignore all attempts to contact you.
  4. STICK TO THIS. You are in control of your life and you are not obliged to be anyone else's support person. You can give her a small amount of your time and energy so as not to leave her completely alone, but for your own and your family's sake, you need to limit the impact she has on you.
  5. DO NOT FEEL BAD about setting boundaries. If she had behaved reasonably in the first place, you wouldn't need to be doing this.
  6. Take her off the app and remove any other similar reasons for calling you. You owe her nothing!
Good luck! People like this suck all the joy out of life and you deserve better!
Couchpotato3 · 16/11/2022 15:38

PS Once she realises she can't get what she wants from you any more, you might be surprised how quickly she finds someone else to lean on....

Okki · 16/11/2022 15:39

CowardlyNewName · 16/11/2022 15:27

i know you are all right, but I can't block her/cut her out completely. It would kill her and I can't hurt someone that much. We're both immigrants in a non English speaking country. I have DH, my adult DD, and DS and some other friends. She has absolutely nobody but her very young son. She can't return to her home country because of her son but she is totally alone here.

Do you actually think she's a suicide risk? Otherwise you'll end up hurting her more when you flip. As she doesn't respect your boundaries as a family, you need to put them in place as a family. Dh needs to say you aren't available, you'll contact her when you are. You can still be a supportive good friend AND have boundaries.

Cameleongirl · 16/11/2022 15:43

My friend “A”had this type of relationship with another “friend” a few years ago. They lived opposite each other this woman would literally look to see when A’s car was parked outside her house and go straight over. Every single evening after work! She completely ignored the fact that A was trying to make dinner and get her children to bed. Completely ignored hints or being told she couldn’t come in, she just walked into the house!

Eventually, A had no choice but to cut her off. She blocked her number and didn’t answer the door. The woman gave up after a while. A felt terrible doing it, but it had got out of hand. Luckily they moved.

I think you need to start by giving your friend some strict boundaries and if she won’t respect them, cut her off. I know you don’t want to, but you may have to.

ChicCroissant · 16/11/2022 15:44

You can't change someone else OP, only your response to them. If you're not going to change the way you respond to her, nothing will change.

minipie · 16/11/2022 15:44

I would be telling her very clearly what is acceptable and what isn’t
And that if she can’t stick to this, you will sadly have to block her as the way she is behaving is causing you a lot of stress

IMO it is better to be very blunt and give her a chance to change, than to keep quiet or say things gently but then one day lose all patience and cut her off or lose your rag.

VivX · 16/11/2022 15:45

Definitely get your dd and dh to block her number - there's literally no reason why she should be calling them.

Since you don't want to cut her off.
Then put a DND time-range on her phone number (set to days and times that you are happy with) and obviously don't answer the landline.
And when you do get back to her, message her, don't call and if she calls you back, then you don't take the call, you message her again.

Being out when she's likely to pop round, as you're doing today, is also good.

It has taken a while for this habit of hers to ingrain, so it is going to take a little bit of time for her to accept the new boundaries.

But essentially, she'll take as much time/energy as you give, so you need to train yourself to not give as much.

Watchkeys · 16/11/2022 15:47

She can't return to her home country because of her son but she is totally alone here

Do you think that this means she's your responsibility?

If she's alone, it's up to her to make new friends or start new hobbies so that her life is how she wants it. It's not up to you to pick up the pieces when she fails to be an adult and take responsibility for herself.

Enforcing your own boundaries doesn't mean 'Getting someone else to change their behaviour', it means changing your own.

Ignore all her calls, and respond to the first one with a suggestion of when you can meet. See her for a coffee once a week, or whatever suits your schedule. Don't respond to anything else, because in doing so, you cross your own boundaries. Turn her ring tone in your phone to 'silent'. Unplug the landline for an hour when you know she's trying to get through. Release yourself from her; she's not going to release you.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 16/11/2022 15:47

If you have a smart phone, set up Do Not Disturb and block her number apart from certain times. Let the landline answerphone take her calls. Block her number on DH & DDs phones.

IntrovertedPenguin · 16/11/2022 15:48

I'm on the spectrum and hate phone calls so I sympathise. I couldn't cope with this, when she says "but my autism!" I would simply say "and what about my autism and my boundaries?"

I would stop her using your app to watch things on until she can respect your boundaries. Autism doesn't give her an excuse to act like an arsehole!

Watchkeys · 16/11/2022 15:50

I think you also need to retract your kind favour of letting her use your apps. Change your password, and tell her you don't know what's up with it, but she'll need to sort out her own subscriptions now. It's for her own good; your apps are proving not to be reliable for her needs, so she needs to be in charge.

astronewt · 16/11/2022 15:50

She's an adult, you aren't responsible for her. You're choosing to punish yourself with her when the friendship between you is over anyway. Don't fool yourself; you're using her to make you feel better about yourself and allow you to martyr yourself just as she's using you.

Curryinnohurry · 16/11/2022 15:51

This is really tough. On one hand I want to just echo what other posters have said - absolutely remove her from your life, but on the other, I have a dd with possible autism and I would hate to think of her being ignored or blocked by a long term friend. Even if it was justified.

It's so hard, because autism doesn't excuse toxic, inappropriate behaviour. It can explain it, but high functioning adults with ASD do need to learn certain things that others just know. They need extra support and guidance, but not complete acceptance of social ineptitude. It doesn't help anyone, including them!

It does sound as though this is a recent thing that she's accepted about herself and has sort of given herself permission to behave like this, whereas before perhaps she masked.

I'm sorry, I haven't really offered advice.

Miss03852 · 16/11/2022 15:51

Well if you’re all she’s got then she should be being extra nice to you. You need to tell her if she keeps behaving this way you’ll cut her off.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/11/2022 15:52

and I wanted to scream 'I'm not fucking IT support!'.
Why didn't you?
Seriously - she is taking the piss. She seems to think you are her paid companion/emotional support mammal.

And what about me? I actually do have an autism diagnosis and one thing everyone knows about me is that talking on the phone causes huge anxiety and should only be used in an emergency. I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question ...'
Put her on mute.
Every time you respond - all you are teaching her is it takes X amount of calls to coerce you into answering.

So now I'm going to the gym just so as I'm not in when she finishes work as I know she'll 'pop in' on her way home with her computer so I can fix it for her.
OK so you know what to do now OP.
Open the door - scream "I'm not IT support!".
And close it.

I'm not even joking.
She pays absolutely ZERO attention to your needs or wishes.
Why should you worry about hers?

MassiveSalad22 · 16/11/2022 15:52

NurseBernard · 16/11/2022 15:29

OK so this is just a venting thread.

You don’t want actual suggestions as to how to get her to back off, as you’re not actually willing to do any of them.

And a venting thread is a problem because…? The OP actually says it’s a rant.

Stravaig · 16/11/2022 15:52

Mamette · 16/11/2022 15:19

I would block her, honestly.

A friendship isn’t a friendship when it’s all take and no give.

I would send a message saying, I’m sorry you feel that way about using my app, I will remove you as a user so that you may get your own app and increase your sense of control over your viewing practices.

Right now I have a lot going on, I plan to take some time out to recharge. I likely won’t be around for the foreseeable future.

Then I would block her.

Do as Mamette suggests, OP.
Your friend treats you this way because you allow her to. So change that and put yourself and your needs first.
Avoiding your own home instead of setting clear boundaries and sticking to them is pretty extreme!
Good luck x

iRun2eatCake · 16/11/2022 15:54

CowardlyNewName · 16/11/2022 15:11

How do I do that? EG with the phone, I've told her I don't like it but she keeps doing it. I don't answer the landline so she'll ring the mobile and if I don't answer that after multiple attempts she'll ring DH or DD to get them to contact me. She needs to talk to me now, and to her that's all that seems to matter.

Show quote history

They can block her on their phones. And you can put yours on do not disturb after a certain time.

Ultimately... if you want life to change, you're going to have to change it as she won't

CuriousMama · 16/11/2022 15:54

Stop feeling guilty. She's taking the piss. She may not have autism but a personality disorder which includes copying!

KettrickenSmiled · 16/11/2022 15:56

How do I do that? EG with the phone, I've told her I don't like it but she keeps doing it. I don't answer the landline so she'll ring the mobile and if I don't answer that after multiple attempts she'll ring DH or DD to get them to contact me. She needs to talk to me now, and to her that's all that seems to matter.

JFC she is controlling & entitled.

You have told her - she KNOWS this is stressing you out - but your stress is a mere inconvenience to her, just a barrier to be barged through.

Next time she calls, message her "I need a night off the phone, I am not available, will call you when I am."
Do not answer the landline. Ditto your mobile.
When she calls your relatives, let them pass on her message ... & STILL do not respond.
You might even want to ask DH - & DD, depending on her age - to say something like "I can tell her you called, but as I already know she's asked you not to ring her tonight, I'd rather you respected that & you know - STOPPED CALLING."

^^