'Autistic' friend draining me

[CowardlyNewName]

Before anyone slates me, I put 'autistic' as she doesn't have a diagnosis and has decided herself that she's autistic.

I don't really know where to start. We've been close friends for decades. She's always been highly strung and quite demanding but over the last couple of years it's gone off the scale and I can't deal with it. I love her but she drains me so much that my heart sinks now when I see it's her calling. If I don't pick up she'll ring again and again and again until I do. It never used to be this bad.

Last night she rang about 9.00 because an app that I pay for, and allow her to use my account for, wasn't working. She was freaking out because of her 'autism' because she couldn't watch what she normally watches and I got a lecture on the importance of routines for people with autism and I wanted to scream 'I'm not fucking IT support!'.

And what about me? I actually do have an autism diagnosis and one thing everyone knows about me is that talking on the phone causes huge anxiety and should only be used in an emergency. I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question ...'

So now I'm going to the gym just so as I'm not in when she finishes work as I know she'll 'pop in' on her way home with her computer so I can fix it for her. Which if you knew me and my technological capabilites would have you rolling on the floor laughing at the suggestion.

/end rant

Ok... do nothing about it, put up with it and stop moaning then.

This would be perfect OP.

Do you feel up to it?

You tell her that this is unacceptable behaviour and that it needs to stop or you’ll be reconsidering your friendship. If she doesn’t apologise and stop being an idiot, you stick to your guns.

Get DH and DD to block her. They shouldn’t be embroiled in this nonsense.

Oh and just to add, I had a friend who had undiagnosed autism, quite clearly and I did put up with a lot of bad behaviour that I would do from other friends, probably because at the time I was really struggling with my dd and felt almost obliged to help and continue being her friend. Eventually, it crashed and burned, as she massively crossed a line.

I always felt guilty in a way, even though I didn't do anything wrong, but there is only so much you can take. I think I could have been a bit tougher before it all went tits up though, so I would really try being as upfront as you can now OP, before the wheels come off completely.

I am autistic and I have had friends like her and been her a few times I think too! As others have said, you need to set ground rules.

Ask her to text first maybe, then decide TOGETHER whether a call m9ght be easier and a mutually convenient time, or maybe a meet up.

Remind her that you too have autism.

Find some local support groups or hobbies she might be interested in.

Most importantly though, if she won't accept your boundaries after a few more reminders, you will have to step back from the friendship for your own sanity. It's hard to do, but you have to, for her sake too or she will repeat these mistakes again and again in the future.

I'd be interested to know how soon after she found out you had autism that she also decided she was autistic.

She has no one because she treats people badly. If you're not prepared to go no contact, you have to be very clear. Get some bloody boundaries in place!

Tell her to leave a message and you will call her back. Tell her that if she tries you repeatedly, you will block her. Tell her that if she calls your husband or daughter again you will block her.

Set the ground rules. If she breaks them, that's her call.

This isn't a friendship, it's harassment.

I'd be interested to know how soon after she found out you had autism that she also decided she was autistic.

This is such a good point.

How does she have your DD and DH's phone numbers? None of my friends have my husband or children's numbers. I put my phone on do not disturb for most of the day as I'm self employed and can't be dealing with other people's drama. I'd be telling her I'd speak to her at the weekend when I'm free.

Oh well just crack on then, OP. You're not going to change, she won't change, so there we have it.

Why hasn't your adult daughter blocked her yet btw? Mine would have. Have you intimated to your daughter in some that she shouldn't?

(As an aside, I would personally like to acknowledge all the excellent suggestions on this thread.)

She's not autistic, she's just tiring as hell. I used to share netflix password with my mum, she logged it out on her telly, and then rang me 15 times. When I picked up, she shouted at me "I could die, and you wouldn't even know" etc. etc. So, she reacted with same sort of hysteria, and my mum definitely isn't autistic. She's just self-centered. Do you really need this kind of friendship?

Stop being overly dramatic, OP. It won't kill her - however she might learn that she has to respect other people's boundaries in order to make genuine friends of her own.

At the moment you are part of the problem, colluding in maintaining a dynamic that is harmful to you while letting her think her behaviour is acceptable.

Perhaps your one job is to say NO to her and you are failing her by not doing it.

Enforcing your own boundaries doesn't mean 'Getting someone else to change their behaviour', it means changing your own.

If you take one thing from your thread OP - take this from @Watchkeys
Your 'friend' will NEVER back off until you MAKE her back off.

Having had three examples of this type of person latch on to me, I agree with the poster upthread who said she's not going to change. None of mine did, & after trying to be nice, trying to put it right & saying it kindly, in the end I dropped all contact.

On the road to that point, they'd each started as a friend & rapidly ramped up their demands, refusing to listen to anything I said & pursuing me for more & more contact, way beyond the amount of contact I had with other friends or even relatives. They came to see themselves as entitled to whatever they wanted from me, & whatever the current level of contact they'd enforced was, I was never allowed to go below that for any reason, otherwise they sulked, were resentful & never stopped reminding me that I'd let them down.

Who needs it?

If you were to block her number and the friendship fizzled out, how sad would you be ? If the answer is not much then you know what you need to do. You do not owe her a friendship. It has to work for you too.

I absolutely agree with everyone that she's taking the piss and you should block.

However, as you don't want to do that, could you try simply ignoring every single call, but then as soon as it's stopped ringing, text her and say "hi, I don't speak on the phone remember. What's up?" If she insists on a call just say "no thanks" and ignore any further calls. Don't engage with any arguments about it, and only ever speak to her by text/in person. She will soon get the message!

As some who is autistic I’d hate a friend like this. For me being autistic simply means a combination of my social, communication and sensory needs are in a minority. It isn’t a huge part of who I am and I certainly would want to spend hour upin hour talking about being autistic.

In relation to the phone calls I’d put it in a text

Hi x,

I really hate talking on the phone, it makes me anxious and I’ve decided for my own well-being going to do it anymore. Happy to chat via text or face-to-face though.

Ive told DD and DH if anyone calls them trying to get hold of me via phone that they are to explain I’m unavailable to take a call.

Id then get DH and DD to grey rock every time she called

Me
I'd unplug my home phone (who has one?)
Get dh and dd to block her
Every time she rings, ignore them immediately send a text to say 'hi, I can't answer my phone' if she rings again, send the same text.

But I'd also send a text to say eg'my mental health is suffering atm. I'm receiving too many phone calls and texts from people. If I don't answer please don't keep texting/ringing as you make me feel worse'

Then you're telling her the problem. If she can't conform to what you need (and that is fine to say!) then I'd tell her that you need to put your phone away (and block her)

She's an emotional drain

Four things:

Boundaries. Decide what yours are.

Consequences. Decide what these are if boundaries breached.

Communicate both by text ONCE

Follow through with actions as outlined in your text.

This is why she has no friends. If you want to be compassionate and give her a chance do the above.

I couldn't put up with that at all.
I really don't like autism being used as an excuse for poor behaviour/getting your own way. That's not what it is at all.
She has freaked out about the app not working because she's addicted to watching TV - nowt to do with autism. She lectured you on people with autism needing routines in order to emotionally manipulate/pressurize you into dealing with the situation immediately.
I would do what the other person above has suggested and take her off the account, saying that she should get her own so that she has control over it.

Your family members should block her.
And I wouldn't be picking up if it wasn't convenient, no matter how many times she phoned.

No idea why that font went bold and massive !!!

But it’s actually appropriate.

Sorry I accidently click YABU but meant YANBU.

I cant stand clingy friends, I like the kind of friend you dont see for years but then are still just as good as you always where when you meet up again... thats me and my type, I would have to cut a clingy friend off because it suffocates me.

I also have horrific phone anxiety, friends stopped phoning because they no I don't answer, text/facebooking is fine though lol.

She's alone because she's a nightmare
I've been where you are. Cut her dead.

‘i know you are all right, but I can't block her/cut her out completely. It would kill her and I can't hurt someone that much.’

Really? Do you think that she would think & say the same about you?

’Oh @CowardlyNewName, I can’t keep ringing her as I please. It would affect her badly and I can’t hurt someone that much’.

As previous posters have stated, it is time for change.
You need to change the game for your own health & wellbeing, & update the players in your team.

Tell your DH & DD that you do not want them to be involved in this drama.
So they may block her & please do not engage with her on your behalf. I bet they’ll be delighted not to take her calls. They have likely put up with her as you have given her special friend status.

Text her that you are taking a break from your friendship as you need the space & will not be taking her calls. Block all calls.

Would a little "tough love" work? eg, you say to her (in a message if you prefer) something like, "Friend, you keep telling me you need x or y from me because of your autism. Autism you have not had formally diagnosed and not sought any help for. You need to see a doctor and go through the assessment process and then review and consider any interventions and processes that the experts recommend. If you are autistic, it is nonetheless up to you to find tools to better manage it - as I do with my autism. You cannot keep hounding me and treating me and my family like your personal 24/7 therapy objects. It is offensive and upsetting that you are not willing to actually do any of the work needed to manage your own limitations."

Oh I feel you OP.

I used to have a friend that sounds very similar to your friend. Although she didn’t have an autism diagnosis or self-diagnosed herself. I do suspect she has histrionic personality disorder though. (Look it up it’s quiet fascinating to read if you know a person with the traits)

My ex friend would ring/text me constantly and wouldn’t stop until I answered. One time I was driving so obviously didn’t answer my phone. She rang my cousin who she knew I was with and demanded she put me on the phone and told me to pull over as it was “urgent”. I pulled over and asked her what the urgent message was and she asked “what time are we meeting for dinner tomorrow”.

Her emotions would be explosive. She had no self-awareness or consideration for others. Entirely draining I could write a book it.

I feel like I’m going on a tangent and I’m so sorry that I have no advice other than set clear boundaries, don’t give in to her constant demands, become unavailable and just try and distance yourself for your own mental health.

Sadly and equally luckily we no longer speak due to living in different parts of the country now.