'Autistic' friend draining me

[CowardlyNewName]

Before anyone slates me, I put 'autistic' as she doesn't have a diagnosis and has decided herself that she's autistic.

I don't really know where to start. We've been close friends for decades. She's always been highly strung and quite demanding but over the last couple of years it's gone off the scale and I can't deal with it. I love her but she drains me so much that my heart sinks now when I see it's her calling. If I don't pick up she'll ring again and again and again until I do. It never used to be this bad.

Last night she rang about 9.00 because an app that I pay for, and allow her to use my account for, wasn't working. She was freaking out because of her 'autism' because she couldn't watch what she normally watches and I got a lecture on the importance of routines for people with autism and I wanted to scream 'I'm not fucking IT support!'.

And what about me? I actually do have an autism diagnosis and one thing everyone knows about me is that talking on the phone causes huge anxiety and should only be used in an emergency. I don't even have to look at my phone when it rings these days as it's almost always her. Despite me telling her often how I can't deal with it and could she send a message instead. 'But it's just a quick question ...'

So now I'm going to the gym just so as I'm not in when she finishes work as I know she'll 'pop in' on her way home with her computer so I can fix it for her. Which if you knew me and my technological capabilites would have you rolling on the floor laughing at the suggestion.

/end rant

I’m so proud you renewed the subscription and logged her out! She will realise you mean what you say. Be strong and stick to your boundaries. I’d ask your Dh and dd to block her number. Contacting them is very unfair of her, the6 don’t need to be involved.

I've done it. After a sleepless night I've done it. Sent the following message. Now just need to stave off the ensuing panic attack.

'Hi 'Brenda'

I hope you're feeling a bit better today.

I didn't sleep well last night as my anxiety is off the scale. And I have to say it wasn't helped by you ringing me yesterday when I've told you I can't cope with it. This is not okay.

I've agonised over writing this as I don't want to upset you. But what choice do I have if you are wilfully choosing to ignore my boundaries?

I love you Brenda and value our friendship and that's why, for the sake of our friendship, I'm texting you to say:

DO NOT RING ME AGAIN

Message me if you want to contact me.'

Thanks @KKettrickenSmiled I used your suggestion as a starting point.

Well done OP!

Now remember - however Brenda reacts is up to Brenda.
You stating (REstating!) your boundary is NOT rude, or unfriendly - it was the only reasonable response to unreasonable behaviour.

DO NOT ACCEPT any pushback from her. No boundary-testing, no requests for when she CAN start ringing you again, no manipulations, blame, self-pity or 'sudden & convenient emergencies.'

You are looking after your MH & your family.
Brenda has her own family, & herself. It's time for her to start depending on that, rather than you, as her first line of support.

Well done @CowardlyNewName! This is just the first of many boundaries that I feel you will need to reinforce. That was clear & fair, I hope it causes her to pause and think about how her actions affect others.
Hope you're feeling better 💐💐

I got a reply and she's taken it quite well. I honestly expected a phone call to talk about it.

She apologised profously, which I believe is genuine.

She said she misunderstood and thought I'd just ignore the call if I wasn't up to answering. Which is clearly nonsense. But I think she believes it. She's a demanding pain in the neck but she's not a liar. However she does tend to only hear what she wants to hear.

She said that due to 'her autism' she finds messaging difficult which is why she rang instead. I'm not sure what to make of this as I try to be understanding and accepting but there have to be limits. She'd be writing in a second language which I know is quite stressful. However I suspect it's more about control and lack of emotional regulation. She uses Whatsapp all the time but I don't, and she's told me before it stresses her with texts as she can't see if it's been read or not. So she rings as she wants an immediate response. But as you've all said, that's not my problem to fix. Even still, I struggle with it because I'm asserting what I need because of my autism while rejecting what she needs. I guess I feel a bit hypocritical.

But bottom line is she seems to understand she really messed up and has sincerely promised not to do it again.

Oh, she’s good, not.
She’s got you taped.

’But bottom line is she seems to understand she really messed up and has sincerely promised not to do it again.’ … until she ‘slips’ & defaults to her favoured M.O.

You say no, but give her threads to pull later on at her convenience.

Mea culpa, I say ‘maybe’ when I really mean ‘no’ to avoid whatever.
I am learning that maybe is just licking the can down the road, & the best time to say no is when you know so.

She’s not a liar, but a denier: to get what she wants; of your stated needs & terms of engagement for friendship.

A workable compromise is that you both message on WhatsApp, you read her messages, she will see this on the app, & in turn she accepts that you reply at your convenience not hers.

''But bottom line is she seems to understand she really messed up and has sincerely promised not to do it again.''

She will do it again

You will put yourself through it again

You will put your family through it again

she does tend to only hear what she wants to hear.

That is also a kind of dishonesty. It is actually manipulative, a way of getting what she wants.

''But bottom line is she seems to understand she really messed up and has sincerely promised not to do it again.''

She means it until something else happens. And then she will mess up again. And again. And again. And every time her promise will be equally sincere. All it means is that she really wanted to do it and now that her own need is relieved she is genuinely sorry it upset you. So how many more chances are you going to give her before you cut her off? That is your decision to make.

Remember that she can always use logic to tell herself that she isn't doing exactly the thing you told her not to do, or there will always be some other way she thought it was OK. And she will do her very best to make you see it that way. Every time. Until you decide "enough".

I'm asserting what I need because of my autism while rejecting what she needs.

People with autism can often have boundary problems. But it affects different people in different ways. Her autism might be making her ignore and overstep your boundaries to get her own needs met. But equally your own autism could be making you over-empathise with her and make it difficult for you to respect you own needs.

You do need to police your own boundaries because she can't and wont. Sometimes that means cutting other people off.

Can you change your Netflix password and tell her you’ve stopped paying for it? Maybe she won’t feel so entitled anymore.

See how it goes, @CowardlyNewName

Give her a chance, but you -do- need to police your boundaries strongly. If she pushes once or twice, then re-stating things may help. If it happens more than that, it's not ok and you are justified in stepping away.