Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

We're very similar to a lot of these other replies. We both earn a similar £/hour wage now but I supported him through uni, and through starting a business and he supported me through maternity and now I work part time and he's happy for me to work less if I wanted. We started off with a joint account in our mid twenties and "pocket money" each, the pocket money reduced once we had kids and has stopped altogether now. We both just buy what we want from the joint account and only discuss big purchases. I am naturally more money aware than my husband and keep track of our finances and he is more generous. We work well together and have the same long term goals. He's far more likely to spoil the kids than I am though!

My husband would let me use his card and would not say a word, but I have to be honest I would have said first, just going to use your card as I don't get paid for a week. X

Your husband is a dick

You really do need to get divorced op. This is an awful and undignified way to live. I'd treat a stranger on the street better than the way your dh treats you. The way you write with all the laughing emojis and kind of dismissive tone indicates you haven't fully accepted how bad things are. There is no real anger or outrage. I'm upset for you and I don't even know you! I wish you well and hope you can get out of your situation. There is no way at all that staying is better for the kids, no matter how amazing the school or how well settled. If you were my daughter I'd be devastated at your situation.

Oh and we share housework even though I work less hours. Your husband is letting you down in so many ways, what does he ever do to show his appreciation of you?

Not to put you off splitting but if you did I wouldn't expect him to part willingly with child maintenance;he'll do what my friends ex does;according to him she "steals" his money for maintenance.

If you do split put in an immediate claim to the CSA.

@bakewellbride oh I do feel real anger sometimes but on the whole I feel more sad and disappointed. I often wonder how other couples manage things and what it would be like to have joint finances and not have to worry about how I’m going to budget for x, y and z for me or the kids knowing he’s got more than enough in his bank account. He wouldn’t see the children go without if it’s really necessary but he also doesn’t believe in buying anything beyond the bare minimum.

@Tootlingalong oh he doesn’t. He was never one for romantic gestures or I love yous. I would love something now - just a little token of appreciation or simply a thank you for everything you do. I don’t think it ever occurs to him and to be honest I resent him for it so I’ve stopped showing any signs of appreciation too. Vicious cycle!

Can I recommend a book called why does he do that?

Maybe realistically it’s worth considering that you don’t live the life you want now, and that’s really difficult. Your life after you separate will also be really hard. The only difference is, in one scenario, your life will eventually get better, and the impact on your children will reduce.

Spoiler - the scenario where it eventually gets better isn’t the one where you stay! It sounds like your parents are aware of the situation and are willing and able to support you

Voting that this is a form of financial abuse, and that he doesn’t see himself as part of a family but a distinct entity.

The key is - it’s not just BEHAVIOUR, it belies a belief — something along the lines of “women are gold diggers” or “I do more than her, she and the world owes me”.

Omg @4timesthefun I recommend this book to everyone! Without it (and MN, who recommended it) I never would have woken up to what was happening in my relationship (I’m LTBing).

Your not worth a £14 takeaway. Your feelings are worth less than a £14 take away. Leave this man!

My husband and I earn the same, but I like to buy nice things, spend money and treat myself. He doesn’t really do that it’s not his thing so he literally gives me all his disposable income for myself. No children. I always buy him things, bring him back gifts and treat him (yes most of the time with his own money) but it’s not the point I love him and he loves me he would never see me go without. We both also know if we had nothing we would be together in a cardboard box and that would be great too. We have savings joint savings I’ve saved with both our monies that he knows about and I wouldn’t touch that as we might need it one day. If he lost his job tomorrow I would take care of us both and other way round. You deserve better!

This isn’t how it should be op; don’t minimise this or ignore these comments- next time you’re thinking of speaking to the solicitor again: you should divorce him

@4timesthefun I’ve never heard of that book but I’m going to look on Amazon now. Thank you for the suggestion.

@Teaandtoast35 im glad the book helped you. Good luck with everythingx

@Shoxfordian i definitely won’t minimise these comments don’t worry! I was never expecting to receive so many responses and more to the point, so many saying the same thing. I used to think I could expect lots of things from a husband and over the years my expectations have become lower and lower and I think I’ve convinced myself that this is the normal set up and I was unrealistic to expect anything differently. Like others have said, it’s not just the money - it’s about the bigger belief behind it, the lack of care, the resentment he feels. I will definitely do some reading and really think about my options. I wish he would listen. Many times I’ve tried to raise things and explain how I feel and it just falls on deaf ears.

I would stop paying for the essentials for your DC, I'm sure you've paid pretty much for all of those until now so tell him it's his turn and you just pay for the treats.

I would also look at wrap around childcare and a cleaner and he has to pay for it seeing as though you've done it all for the last X years. Let his pocket take the hit.

What does he spend 'his' money on? I don't understand if he has all this money why he doesn't think this is weird behaviour tbh! If my dh refused to buy me a takeaway when I was hungry I'd be feeling really upset.

I honestly don't know how you didn't see red flags at the beginning of the relationship but I hope something works out.

Something is making me wonder is he only with you because he knows if you were to split he'd getting a hammering financially if he'd to sell the house, payout child maintenance etc. feel awful putting in this post but that's where my heads at op xx

@RandomMess If I stopped paying he wouldn’t put his hand in his pocket. His idea of “essentials” is really different to mine, he begrudges having to buy new shoes or clothes for them. Not because he doesn’t like them to enjoy new stuff, more that he’s been conditioned from his childhood that you must watch every penny and unless you’re literally barefoot why would you need anything new? It’s really strange given his parents are quite well off! But they have a mentality which doesn’t agree with spending anything and then commentating really negatively on those who do. If I booked wraparound care and a cleaner he would refuse to pay and I don’t have access to his accounts to start paying people. I’d end up having to pay for it all! I think the trouble is I do earn money so he believes I should look out for myself. It doesn’t matter that I earn far less, in his mind I should live within the realms of what I earn and be really frugal. If I get my hair done, he's outraged at the cost and says I could save money and not bother. If I buy something for the house he moans that it’s a waste of money and I could give that money to him instead to pay towards the mortgage even though we are not struggling to pay the mortgage and quite frankly an extra £30 here and there wouldn’t make much difference!

@theskinnyminniewannabe ive said the same to him before! That actually he couldn’t be bothered / wouldn’t want to separate as he knows he would be financially worse off and I would have to move away with the kids etc. He rolls his eyes at me but has never actually told me to stop being ridiculous and he loves me and the family we’ve created and that’s why he wouldn’t want to separate. He also turns it on me - “oh so you’ve been thinking about divorce have you? Good to know how you feel” and has a little strop.

Cooks nice dinners for me. After 35 years together we don’t need any more stuff.

@NoMoreChoccy honestly I just wanna take you out for lunch because you sound so lovely and deserving of a break!!!!

Waking up this morning and reading all your messages has made me feel really sad. I think because we tick along every day and we do still have a laugh I have just come to accept behaviour that is actually unacceptable. He would never see it or understand me - I’ve told him a million times and he just doesn’t see where I’m coming from. It does really help to know that I’m not going mad and actually all of you think it sounds odd. Thank you x

@theskinnyminniewannabe thank you! 🤗

We share all our money in a joint account, so this idea of treating doesn't make any sense for us. We are equals with equal access to resources, only the kids are 'treated'.