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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your husband treat you?

299 replies

NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 18:14

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

OP posts:
mrsg2019 · 15/11/2022 21:54

Jesus, I can't imagine life with a life partner like this. Our money is our money, I tell DH about any big purchases (like he does with me) but treating myself to lunch is a non issue. I don't work, I look after DS who has high needs.

Your 'dh' needs to stop being selfish or he can pay you for the childcare that you provide to him free of charge at the cost of your own career/pension etc. Daycare rate x however many kids you have x however many days your husband works. Put that money into a pot all for yourself and get the hell out of there!

Original poster
NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 21:57

@Ihaveroyallyscrewedup thank you. It does help to see it written down like that. It’s never that black and white when you’re in the actual relationship and it can be hard to see the wood for the trees. I do stand up for myself at home but I don’t fight back in public as I just find it so bloody embarrassing! I know a lot of the people locally so I’m worried someone I know will overhear him.

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 15/11/2022 22:00

I disagree. You know full well as a nearly all female forum everyone would come on and say you were entitled to his money. My view is you knew it was like this and accepted it. You have a personal responsibility for that.

My view is I think he’s behaving terribly but you’ve no right to just take his card without asking and spend his money on yourself. That’s wrong.

so for me neither of you are right. You for agreeing to this life. For choosing it, having kids with him, knowing. And then for taking his card and spending what wasn’t yours. And him for being tight and not sharing.

Dibbydoos · 15/11/2022 22:01

Why are you with thihe is using money to abuse you. Wtf. He can earn what he does cos you are for all intents and purposes the primary child carer. Was he like this when you courted?

No matter how I felt about someone like this, i would get rid. You only live once....

bravelittletiger · 15/11/2022 22:03

Floweryflora · 15/11/2022 22:00

I disagree. You know full well as a nearly all female forum everyone would come on and say you were entitled to his money. My view is you knew it was like this and accepted it. You have a personal responsibility for that.

My view is I think he’s behaving terribly but you’ve no right to just take his card without asking and spend his money on yourself. That’s wrong.

so for me neither of you are right. You for agreeing to this life. For choosing it, having kids with him, knowing. And then for taking his card and spending what wasn’t yours. And him for being tight and not sharing.

Fucking hell what a weird response. You're a bully.

You clearly also have a totally dysfunctional relationship if you think it's weird to use your partners card for a £14 anything. I would always tell my DH and expect him to do the same but this man is abusive.

Original poster
NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 22:04

@Floweryflora i genuinely wasn’t sure whether people would agree with me or him. He is convinced most people with separate incomes keep their finances separate in marriage and I don’t ever really discuss it with friends. If I want something I should pay for it myself and if I can’t afford it then that’s tough. Yes I should have asked him before I used his card but I knew he would say no. I take responsibility for that. Neither of us is perfect but it helps me to see how others manage their finances in a marriage / family as this isn’t the set up I grew up with nor is it what i pictured I would have.

OP posts:
WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 15/11/2022 22:04

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 15/11/2022 18:28

This is financial abuse.
In this situation all his earnings and all yours should go into an account. All outgoings come out and you both decide what to do with any disposable income.
LTB

This isn’t what DH and I do but we both have the same attitude to money (Yorkshire) and have never argued over money. It’s always fair.

What's Yorkshire got to do with it?

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 15/11/2022 22:08

If he wants separate incomes. He'd also better do 50% of childcare and 50% of housework

If not, he is taking the piss

And you are letting him

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/11/2022 22:09

If you both put in the same amount of money into your household, why is the same not true for:
Looking after the children
Housework
Wifework?

Oh yes, because he only values money. Not anything you contribute.

Original poster
NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 22:10

@HowDoYouOwnDisorder he does his fair share with the children. Just has no interest in any of the other stuff. If I stop doing it we would live in a tip! He’s not fussed about things being tidy or clean and he would happily leave everything everywhere. Same with washing, he used to take it home to his mum when I worked full time. I imagine he would just start doing that again!

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/11/2022 22:10

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 15/11/2022 22:08

If he wants separate incomes. He'd also better do 50% of childcare and 50% of housework

If not, he is taking the piss

And you are letting him

Or at least pay to outsource it... to you.

AhNowTed · 15/11/2022 22:11

My sister is with a shit like yours.

He would literally go on holiday without her if she couldn't afford it, and will see her living on pasta.

His sole outlay is £400 a month. She pays for absolutely everything else.

She's with him 25 years.

She's far too good for him and I'll never understand it.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/11/2022 22:11

@NoMoreChoccy our finances are separate. When I went back to work after a break, my money really was "pin" money. DH paid all the bills AND gave me "housekeeping" (the food money).

If I had fancied a takeaway as a treat, I always had enough money to pay for it. If I was running short, I just had to say.

Neither of us are the last of the big spenders and we have never had a row about money.

You are not living well and it is not affording your children the life skills they need to sustain good relationships.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 15/11/2022 22:12

NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 22:10

@HowDoYouOwnDisorder he does his fair share with the children. Just has no interest in any of the other stuff. If I stop doing it we would live in a tip! He’s not fussed about things being tidy or clean and he would happily leave everything everywhere. Same with washing, he used to take it home to his mum when I worked full time. I imagine he would just start doing that again!

His fair share is 50%. (If it's true for money, it's true for childcare.)

Hesleepswiththefishes · 15/11/2022 22:15

This has got to be nonsense…your partner wants to split cost of meals? Eh??

you are on a different planet if accounting for every last penny is your norm in a mutually supportive relationship

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/11/2022 22:16

Floweryflora · 15/11/2022 22:00

I disagree. You know full well as a nearly all female forum everyone would come on and say you were entitled to his money. My view is you knew it was like this and accepted it. You have a personal responsibility for that.

My view is I think he’s behaving terribly but you’ve no right to just take his card without asking and spend his money on yourself. That’s wrong.

so for me neither of you are right. You for agreeing to this life. For choosing it, having kids with him, knowing. And then for taking his card and spending what wasn’t yours. And him for being tight and not sharing.

@Floweryflora

Fortunately for the OP your views, her husband’s views, and indeed any collective view of a majority female forum are of no consequence.

What matters is what the law says, and in the eyes of the law, marriage is an equal partnership.

So, the OP can divorce her husband and she will be be entitled to an equal share of their money. Because that is best for both the individuals concerned and society as a whole.

Original poster
NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 22:16

He’s always been tight. I knew that when I first met him but I was earning good money and so I didn’t place much emphasis on it. Plus I fell in love and you stupidly overlook things which then become bigger down the road. Now I earn half of what I did before and we have children it’s become much more of an issue. He’s also changed in other ways too which I think has highlighted the negatives for me if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 15/11/2022 22:17

He leaves all the housework to you, he insults you in public, and he is beyond a skinflint. His behaviour is abusive, OP. It’s not at all normal.

I hope all these responses are helping you see it’s not just “different strokes for different folks”. His extreme meanness is pathological. He threatens to impoverish you and DC if you dare think of leaving him.But you’re living an unnecessarily deprived life with him.

Do see a lawyer to find out what you would be entitled to. Also, why not get a forensic accountant to find out where he’s hiding his money?

Original poster
NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 22:19

@Hesleepswiththefishes i wish it was! He isn’t a massive fan of eating out as a family as he thinks it’s an unnecessary expense. He can afford it, it just pains him to do it. So I either pay the whole bill or we agree to split it. In an ideal world I’d pay once, he’d pay next time etc as we go along but he doesn’t like that. He just hates parting with money!

OP posts:
Lampzade · 15/11/2022 22:20

One of my dealbreakers is a man who is stingy and doesn’t appreciate me.

I have always worked, but when my eldest dc was born I took a year off from work.
My husband paid for everything. . He would
transfer a large amount of money into the joint account and also put some money into my personal account. He would buy me flowers, my favourite chocolate bar etc
He actually encourages me to spend. He would never dream of humiliating me,

Op, your dh is financially abusing you. It is up to you whether you want to remain in this marriage, just don’t expect him to change.

Original poster
NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 22:22

@Ofcourseshecan my parents say the exact same thing. Whenever I mention his behaviour they say “you know that’s not normal?” I do know, I guess I’ve just grown used to it and then it almost becomes your norm. He’s definitely become worse as he’s got older, he would never have said something in public a few years back but now he’s adopted “I couldn’t give a toss” attitude.

OP posts:
Jaffacakeorisitabiscuit · 15/11/2022 22:24

Yes, he 'treats' me like an equal. I'm not earning at the moment due to caring duties but the money that comes into the household is ours. We talk to each other about major spends, neither of us are big spenders anyway. He buys me a cake to have with morning coffee sometimes, and a plant for the garden if he sees something he knows I'd like. I'll buy him a bag of liquorice and the occasional second hand ordnance survey map. We've both been the higher earner at times over the years but we have an equal partnership.

Your DH, to be frank, sounds like a dick.

Original poster
NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 22:25

Thank you so much for all your replies. You’ve given me so much to think about and I don’t feel like I’m being unreasonable. It really helps to see how other people do things - clearly very differently to us! Thank god for mumsnet x

OP posts:
WinterWitchy · 15/11/2022 22:34

NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 22:22

@Ofcourseshecan my parents say the exact same thing. Whenever I mention his behaviour they say “you know that’s not normal?” I do know, I guess I’ve just grown used to it and then it almost becomes your norm. He’s definitely become worse as he’s got older, he would never have said something in public a few years back but now he’s adopted “I couldn’t give a toss” attitude.

You could have been my DD a year ago. She chose to leave…eventually. As a parent it’s awful watching your child go through financial and emotional abuse. I’m glad you can talk to your parents and they see how wrong the situation you’re in is. Get your ducks in a row and if you can get help from from your friends and family please do. You’re DH is controlling you and now you’ve realised that you need to do something about it, life is far too short to live the way you are.

Purplefoxes · 15/11/2022 22:43

NoMoreChoccy · 15/11/2022 18:14

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

Wow the romance is definitely dead here....if it ever existed?! Are you actually happy? Because it sounds like you are just two people cohabiting bringing up children in the same household. But you also are his skivvy, wash his dirty laundry and cook for him so perform the housekeeper function as well as life admin, PA and childminder nicely. Why? What's the point if he gives you zero affection or respect for your contribution? He's got it made honestly, but what do you get out of it? If he left you tomorrow for an OW where would that leave you? It sounds like a lodger could perform the same function he does quite frankly.

If it was me I would get my ar*e back to work full time quick, rebuild my career and get pension on track, kids in childcare which he would need to pay half for. Cleaner which he would need to pay half for. Outsource the washing and he can get his own done or pay half. Once you are financially independent this arse can't lord it over you anymore...and you can afford your own treats and time for hobbies without having to be made to feel like you are a dog begging for scraps.

Or just leave him and take his money! He's obviously afraid of that given your last conversation yet this still doesn't motivate him to show much affection..I'm annoyed at him on your behalf TBH.