Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

Sorry, it's clearly more complicated the thread title. Didn't rtft.

It is financial abuse because he sees the DC as your financial responsibility. He is keeping you poor and not even supporting his DC properly.

How is the resentment not killing any love you have for him?

Was there any discussion around finances or you picking up the extra family commitments? I couldn't be in a situation where we didn't have access to all money at the point of having kids however what you did was actually theft. Taking someone's bank card and using it without their permission is criminal no matter how small so you were wrong to do so. He sounds like a selfish arse but you haven't done yourself any favours on this scenario

@RandomMess I think it is for both of us! I think he resents having to have any financial responsibilities and if I’m honest, he probably would have chosen a different life for himself. My dad asked me if I still love him and I had to think about it. I do in a way that our lives are so entwined and I’m so comfortable around him and he’s the father of my children but I feel anger and hurt and resentment and if he’s hurt or upset about something, I no longer get the urge to comfort him.

Agree with everyone. He sounds abusive. Have been a sahm for a while and there's not a day my dh asked me what I've spent on. He even refers to his Salary as our Salary. I couldn't live with someone like your dh. Your poor kids also can see through him. How dare he humiliates you like that.

Op that’s theft. When it gets to the stage you are robbing him then this is dead in the water . You knew he’d say no so you stole from him. It does not matter how tight he is , that he doesn’t buy you gifts, or the fact he insists you pay your way. You cannot steal from him . It’s not even like you did it to get some food for the kids. You stole so you could have a takeaway . And if the genders were reversed the answers would be very different.

@Floweryflora it's not theft 🤣🤣

They are married. Legally it's not even theft since marital assets are shared.

Morally it's arguably not even theft since she told him.

In no way is it theft.

@HappinesDependsOnYou we discussed finances when we first moved in together. He has always been the higher earner so he agreed to pay slightly more rent than me and then when we bought our first house I was about to have a baby so the mortgage fell to him as I was on statutory maternity pay so not a great amount. Since then I’ve started my own business. I’ve asked him to share finances, agree monthly outgoings, budget for food shops etc etc and he says “yeah ok” but then never does it. We’ve opened two joint bank accounts over the past ten years and he hasn’t paid a single penny into either of those. I’m quite happy to have everything open, visible and we can access what we like as we need it etc as we are a family and if separated everything would be divided anyway but it pains him to have to let me have one penny of money he has earned himself.

Yes I should have asked him - I know that. I however wouldn’t see it as theft if it was the other way around. There have been times when he’s taken my card (with my knowledge) to get stuff, then forgotten to give it back and used it the next day, say on food or petrol etc. I would never think “oh he’s stolen money from me” as we are married - it’s all shared! That’s my point I guess, he sees it as separate as if I were a flat mate who had dared to spend his money whereas I see it as a partnership where you shouldn’t have to ask permission and what’s mine is his and vice versa. Of course if it was some huge expense I wouldn’t dream of doing it but £14 wouldn’t make a dent in his account.

I'd either leave him or go back to work full time and put the kids in nursery, with him paying half. I'd also be telling him now you are working full time that you will be getting a cleaner, which of course he will be paying half of.

It’s also very much about the amount we both earn. If I was the higher earner he would be much more inclined to have a joint bank account. He always says he would be happy to be a SAHD and would love for me to be the main breadwinner. It bothers him that I earn less and therefore might spend money that I didn’t personally earn and therefore shouldn’t be entitled to if that makes sense?

@BigScreen the trouble with that is that he just wouldn’t pay! Our youngest is in nursery a couple of mornings and we split that in half (I’ve really had to push for it and he only agreed when he realised that he wasn’t getting much peace working from home with a little one) but it’s my bank account that it’s paid from and I have to ask him to give me the money. He does very begrudgingly but would never dream of paying more. He moans constantly about what we pay now and is outraged when he hears of SAHMs who put their children in nursery for a little bit. Says their husbands are mad to indulge them!

He has also said no to a cleaner. Well no to paying for one that is. He would be more than happy if I paid alone as it would stop me hassling him to help me clean! Again, I can’t force him to pay? As much as I’d love to!! 😀

@NoMoreChoccy think you really need to show him the responses on here or at least advise him as to how unhappy he is making you. I really hope he is never signed off work due to I'll health and expects you to foot the bills and look after him.

OP, have a read of this article:
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
It's about a man explaining how the small things, like leaving dishes by the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher, killed their marriage bit by bit as it showed he didn't respect her or think her feelings deserved consideration.

In your case I think the fact that your selfish husband doesn't feel you're worth a £14 takeaway should be the thing that provokes change in your situation. You are better than this, why do you think you deserve such disrespect?

It’s not a treat, it’s being married ffs. The fact you have to ask and think of normal things as a treat screams volumes.

You can do better, leave him.

I know he would make my life hell if I asked for a separation/ divorce.

He makes your life hell NOW. You are simply inured to his treatment of you.
You are in a financially abusive relationship - he withholds so much from you that you are unable to even go out for a rare meal without him quibbling, & he has the temerity to tick you off for getting your hair cut - & the public berating about money is 100% abusive.

You have sacrificed half your income & have no pension because you are raising his kids. Many couples ensure that the SAHM has her NI paid AND a private pension. He is getting a cheap deal - a housekeeper, nanny & domestic appliance who PAYS HER OWN WAGES.

You don't need to ask for a divorce.
When you are ready, find a lawyer - preferably one experienced with coercive control cases - & do not tell H you are doing so.
You round up all the financial evidence of his pension, savings, mortgage, cars etc, copy it & keep it secure at your folks' house.
You will then TELL him you are divorcing.
And he will not be able to blindside you because he won't have had time to plan or conceal assets.

This possibly feels too much right now.
But ... you can daydream.
Actively choose to put time into creative visualisation.
The objections you have - your H will be angry about divorce, your DC will have to move & change school ... are real, but what you need to settle in your own mind is how many more years you are going to tolerate being this man's drudge.
I suspect once you've left him, your energy & positivity will increase exponentially & you will be able to pour so much more into your business. And more importantly - creating a happy home for you & DC without this miserable oaf in it.

Thank you so much for all your kind words. I actually just cried, how silly is that!?
I just read that article and it hit the nail on the head. That’s EXACTLY how our marriage is. He never puts stuff away - would never load the dishwasher unless I nagged him, would never dream of putting a wash on or ironing. I think in all our time together he’s ironed about 3 times when I’ve badgered him to do it. How lovely if you didn’t have to ask! I don’t want to feel like his mother- it’s so unattractive. That article really resonates with me, thank you xx

Exactly as that article says, I want him to understand how I feel and want to help me to show me he cares and respects me. I might send that to him. Thank you x

Thank you so much for all your kind words. I actually just cried, how silly is that!?
Not silly at all.
In fact - do more of it. Privately, with time to give yourself a small treat (don't you go spending £14 though THE VERY IDEA) afterwards. You need to let those feelings out - it's a small form of catharsis.

It is theft, it’s illegal to use someone’s bank card without authority , being married doesn’t change that. Just try to research if you’re not sure and not post erroneous stuff. And legally she is not entitled to whays in his bank account either as they are married . I’m astonished anyone would think otherwise

He's Ebenezer Scrooge on acid, isn't he?

Dear Choccy - it's great that the article has resonated with you, helped you feel validated, helped you realise that YANBU AT ALL.

But please don't set yourself up for disappointment, because I can assure you it will not resonate with your H at all. Far from it - he will attack YOU for having the temerity to try to communicate your feelings & opinions to him. He is not interested in how you feel - he is only interested in you 1) continuing to be his domestic appliance 2) not taking half "his" assets in divorce.

It is a really, really common response - this need to make the unreasonable party, the abuser, understand. It's very human - you want to be heard, you want the abuser to see your side, you want them to change.
So please be ready to perceive that HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
You will not get your moment of enlightenment. He will not start owning his unfairness.

The only person who can give you some form of closure on this is YOU.
And the only way you can get to that place is by leaving this drain of a man behind you & making a happier life for yourself.
I am sorry to sound to pessimistic! - but ask any PP who have been where you are - it's not just that it won't get better til you leave - it's that leaving IS the thing that makes things better.
You probably do not realise yet how hugely ground down you are by his constant lack of care, lack of respect. His contempt for you, his willingness to use you as a servant. Getting his negativity & control out of your head will free you - you will then see how much YOU have to offer, & how very much he is holding you back.

😂Yeah but somebody else pays for his tab