Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

Never go to relationship counselling with an abuser.

My partner wouldn't bat an eyelid if I used his card for takeaway and vice Versa.

My partner earns more then me and he automatically will go to pay when we are out in restaurants / bars, I will pay maybe every third time or so, but our money mingles together, we are committed so doesn't matter who spends who's money

@bravelittletiger i have a little buffer in savings but it wouldn’t get me and the children very far. No pension. Yes we are married.

He would quit work if you divorced him?! So that presumably he could get away with not paying you maintenance? What a nasty piece of work.

I never normally say LTB but in this case I think he is abusive and cruel and you deserve much more than this.

The fact he has thought about how to cut you off financially and neglect his kids as punishment if you leave him is not normal. He is abusive.

@NoMoreChoccy I think you would be entitled to part of his pension on divorce. I would start paying into a private pension as soon as you can. Do you have family or friends you could stay with?

@bravelittletiger it was a conversation we had many moons ago. I don’t know if he would still do that now but I wouldn’t put it past him! He hates his job and career choice so I think if we separated he would probably knock his job on the head and take some time to himself. He wouldn’t move out of the house willingly either, he would expect me to go.

Just change one thing: charge him half the going rate for the childcare and house work you do. Subtract it from the money you transfer to him.

Or stop doing anything for him.

Or both.

Know your worth!

Not much help to the OP, but the time to have the serious discussion was before having kids.

I am weirded out by the idea of him treating you. Your mum or your best mate treats you - he’s your husband, his money is yours, as yours is his.

I know this sounds quite full on, but I would divorce someone like this.

Pull all your joint financials, go see a solicitor and find out how the money would be split up.

That’ll give him something to get mad about 😁 (so don’t tell him till you’re ready to do it.)

@bravelittletiger yes I would be entitled to some of his pension. I know I should start saving my own, it’s harder when you’re self employed as there’s no automatic workplace pension and I always find other things take priority but it’s definitely on the to-do list!

I just can't imagine living like that. Dh have always had a joint account, all money is our money. We both buy what we want, when we want. Neither of us think about it.

DH earnt much more than me until we hit our late 50s when it became closer to evens Stevens.

Always had separate bank accounts. He never questioned one penny that I ever spent. When I wasn't working I gave him the bills, he wrote the cheque.

He wouldn't bring me home a bunch of flowers. He'd have no problem if I bought myself a bunch and gave him the bill. If I ever needed a posh frock when we went out with his clients, he had no problem paying.

Having said all that I'd never ever use his credit card to buy myself a treat. I'd never use his credit card full stop. However, from what you've said, had you asked he'd have said no.

If I were you I'd pretty much injure his other calf and then maybe his nose.

He sounds vile. Utter selfishness. He would actually chuck his own children out of their own home to spite his wife. And he wants some time to himself?!

I really think you've lost sight of what's normal because of how he has abused you over the years. None of this is normal or acceptable.

@Luredbyapomegranate 😁He would fight tooth and nail for everything. When our friends divorced he thought it was awful that her solicitor advised her to go for half of her husbands pension etc. In his words, she didn’t earn it she doesn’t deserve it. That pretty much sums up his view of money! It’s not just me, he would never dream of paying for a friend or his parents - he feels quite chuffed if he’s managed to make it out the pub without buying a round. I tell him he’s a tight b**tard!

I replied in quite a glib way OP, but having read all your updates this is an abusive relationship.

It’s concerning how you talk about treats or being naughty as if you were a child or a dog. He has got inside your brain and is shifting your concept of normal. This will only get worse.

It’s unlikely he would actually quit work if you split up, given his tightness with money. You’d be entitled to considerable maintenance, probably more than half the house and a chunk of his pension.

I would pull all your financials and go see another solicitor, get an estimate and make a plan.

Do not show him this thread - there’s nothing cute about that, it is you sabotaging yourself by behaving like a child.

Please get yourself out of this.

@been and done it. ha! The fuss hes made about one calf, I don’t think I could bear the moaning if the other one hurt too!

'Help with the children' !
They're his children it's called parenting. He really is a prize.

@bravelittletiger i don’t think he would chuck the children out, likely get his mum to stay and help. Of course I wouldn’t leave without them though. To be honest I don’t know what he would do if push came to shove but he’s made clear he wouldn’t leave willingly.

Who cares what he thinks? You are entitled to a big chunk of maintenance, house and pension, that’s what the law says, because marriage is an equal partnership. You have earned the money by working at raising the kids.

The fact you keep making light of this is genuinely concerning. I think you should find the cash to go and see a counsellor who can can help you see what’s happening here.

@Luredbyapomegranate oh I wouldn’t show him this thread. He’d be so angry and it would start a huge fight. He still wouldn’t see my point of view even if 1000 of you backed it up. There’s almost an arrogance to him in that he can’t recognise that anything about his approach to life or relationships could be wrong. He’s not one to say sorry! I could get our financials together, he’s not secretive thankfully and has all his pay slips and pension papers etc in our drawers.

Sometimes MN really makes me appreciate my relationship.
DH and I have separate accounts. I wouldn't just use his card and he wouldn't just use mine. We'd ask but we'd always say 'yes'. He 'treats' me all the time eg chocolates, flowers, takeaways, books, etc. He often cooks. He does the school run, laundry, etc.
If we go for meals, sometimes I pay but more often he does.
Your husband is mean and nasty. I don't understand why you're putting up with it.

I have nothing to say except why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? He doesn't respect you. You don't respect yourself and your children and friends and family will end up feeling the same. Command all your energy, intelligence and resilience and for all your sakes, leave him. Contact a solicitor tomorrow.

This is so sad, it’s like abusive bloke bingo and you can’t see it.
Ensuring you don’t have equal money ✅
Belittling you ✅
Humiliating you in public ✅
Gaslighting by telling you you’re being sensitive and making out you are the problem✅
misogynistic ✅
Doing no housework ✅
Short tempered ✅
Threatening you with quitting his job if you left so he doesn’t pay for his children ✅
would make your life hell if you left ✅

But as he puts the kids to bed, takes them to the park and doesn’t hit you then he’s a lovely bloke and not at all abusive? You think you’re not being abused and say you aren’t a wall flower but he publicly humiliates you and you say nothing, he beats you down in front of others because he knows you will say nothing.
Abuse does not need to be physical and I hope that reading through this thread will help you realise how bad this all is.