I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

Please be strong and just tell him it's over.
If he did that at the beginning and he done it again it's to call it quits.

He doesn't seem to think he done anything wrong when he has and you can't live like that.

This won't blow over and you forgot about it so he does it again.

You need to see I am worth more than this and you have to end now. He is wrong here.

You caused the situation and continue to cause the problems.

Really hope this gets sorted.

Yeah I've been watching some really good YouTube videos on narcissists and the difference between a normal person cheating and how he's acted is down to the letter for a narcissist.

He even tried to fake cry last night that's new. Just gave me the ick 😂

Job wise I'm looking and applying and trying to re do my CV at the moment to suit those sort of jobs. If I can get something from home it would really help.

Take the £10k while it's on offer!

I would but it would be more him paying it personally for the rent ect not just handing it over. Otherwise I'd run now.

Last night he said if we break up he will scrape together 10 grand for me to have a place nearby. He said it wouldn't be for long term.

"OK, but I need 15. As soon as you've transferred it, I'll make arrangements to move out."

Then take your own time in finding a rental, knowing you have a few months breathing space. And put in a CMS claim as soon as you split.

So odd you thought you had a wonderful marriage and all this is new when he was cheating on you within months of dating?

Trying not to feel rage at the OW. I'm angry at my partner but I know she's probably just laughing at me. Telling me her and my partner have something more than a work relationship and all the messages that were personal is just what there friendship is.

I know I can't waste energy there but bloody hell haha. The fact she asked my partner if he wanted to see the MSG's shows me it was all very scripted and was never going to go anywhere.

Ok so let him pay it personally for the rent

At least it gets you out from there

If you actually bothered to read the thread I'm not married and most of this is stuff I've found out or experienced over past few years.

Like others have said it's not easy to spot abuse or think that's what your relationship is. My partner is loved by everyone. Go to the supermarket he knows everyone by name. When everyone else loves and thinks highly of person you are with it's easy to think it's all probably me.

He sounds like he has a personality disorder and needs people to want and adore him. One of my parents is like this and they will literally stand on anyone to make someone else like them. They have let their kids down in order to people please others. He may not be having an affair but he is being a dick and she is a smug cow for allowing it. It is very disrespectful.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

Maybe go tell her husband this see what he says.

But really just focus on you. She welcome to him. What he done to you he will do to her.

sory juust realised i posted in the wrong thread!

Yeah that's what he is like he will go above and beyond for anyone to look good.

He needs so much validation.

I don't actually want to. I don't have anything they haven't deleted or made plausible reasons for I say plausible but I wouldn't tell someone unless I had proof and it wouldn't help me. Sure maybe when I leave but right now that would probably be dangerous for me I don't know. His work is everything and I mean everything. It would ruin his reputation all his work has been through word of mouth.

They also have kids and I don't really think it's right to mess up their life even though it has ours. From what I see he works abroad could be doing the same could have an arrangement that they can both do as they please.

You may not be married but those kids need support and financial security and I would ask for the max for each child too..

Oh and that offer he made for 10 grand to get your own place, I’d would consider this. That’s your out.

Screw him and start over with someone else.

@Wellitjustgetsworse
You are being way to nice to her and your DP.

I really wouldn't care how it affects her or your DP. Unless you still think you both can work this out.

If he got feelings for her no chance. This when you need to tell her husband and if your DP reputation well he should not have done what he done.

They both laughing at you.

Most of this stuff recently or last few years

and

within first few months of dating.

OP you are young. You have spent 10 years with him. A third of your life? More? With someone who is an appalling partner and, by consequence, a shit father.

don’t subject your children or indeed yourself to someone like this any longer

So now you believe his ex wife, that maybe she wasn't the crazy one, but now his ex along with the ow will be another problem, men like this use women and triangulate them for their own needs.

You have been devalued and now you are unsure if he is discarding you, that will hover above your head until you get back in line, he will contunue to see this ow, no matter how much sluething you do, this isn't up for debate with him.

You have an unequal relationship and you both know that, he has the money and power, but as much as he has kept in touch with his wife he would probably like to keep you as some sort of fuel, whether that be in the home or close by.

You've read abouts narcissists, H G Tudor is excellent for finding out how utterly void of empathy they are, I'm sorry you had the misfortune to meet him, they really do damage people, they have to win. There really is no point in trying to get even or get back with these types of people the best thing you can do is to get away from them, as far away as possible, run.
Take the money, although presently I don't think he means it.
Go and see a solicitor, find out what your rights are regarding the house but ultimately you need to be away from his home with your own life, as if you stay in the house even with him gone he will think he still owns you.
Be careful of his rage.

You have been programmed into thinking this man is the center of your life, taking into account his buisness and connections and how you must not destroy his carefully constructed world.
Use that reputation of his to carve out a better leaving package.

I think that's good advice. To focus every ounce of energy on yourself and your sanity. I'm not worried about you because you seem strong. He seems a bit narcissistic. Grey rock and all that may help, you may already know about it.

Also when they end up shacking up with OW, when you read the other threads.... (when OW husband finds out or wife of cheating dick puts forth an ultimatum) they create a vacancy as they. She will forever be looking over her shoulder since their relationship came from a bad place.

I cannot believe how long this thread has dragged on for. It went from support to enabling OP and supporting her indulgence. Sorry, but this is utterly ridiculous. There has to be a line drawn at some point when people continue to stay in horrific situations, and jeopardise the health and sanity of their children!

Ah sorry just the only place I have support right now or can voice stuff.

Feel free to report it if it upsets you so much.

this

I started the thread yesterday. Please ask for it to be removed. I really don't need this right now. Always has to be someone that has to kick someone when they're down. Can't you just look at a thread you find satisfactory or the drama you're after?

@Wellitjustgetsworse, stick with your thread and focus on those who support you.