I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

Where did he go?

It was obviously his but he will never admit it to you.

Does he realize how much he hurt you?

What do you want to do? Have you got a plan?

Have you got a bank account in just your name? Can you put x amount away weekly or monthly?

I know it must be impossible but your options are honestly limited. Ofcourse you can leave. But what situation would you be in? Would you children even leave with you?

He's gone to his friends.

The car he bought off a friend awhile ago. But he didn't go well they are obviously his he just said they could be anyone's.

They were in the gear box thing where he puts all his work receipts so like 50 so work receipts but this one thing not his

He then took me back to the car and started picking things up going this isnt mine. Picking up kids toys and a bussiness car saying a service on which he was actually talking about to the women at work in lengths.

Its just the fact how he reacts now it's not a normal response or even a healthy one. He's lied so much the past few weeks yet this is outrageous to believe?

He caught me in the car looking at receipts. I asked for his key to get something of mine because I've been trying to find how much he earns ect anything that I may regret not knowing when I leave

Money wise he pays me 50 a week which I pay direct debits phone and internet ect. Anything else is what I make from a small business.

Do you make much? Are you able to get a job now?

I've been applying for jobs no luck. I also have a big gap with having two kids close together. I've done part time jobs but nothing that I could support myself on.

You're doing great. This is temporary, you are going to get away from him. You are going to be happy again.

Just lay as much groundwork as you can.

What's crazy is I don't even feel sad I'm not crying it's actually a relief to find something that makes me feel I didn't make it all up in my head.

Keep ahold of that he is going to try and make you feel crazy.

All I know for sure is he lies and doesn't really care how I feel so even if for some reason they aren't his it doesn't even matter anymore. His response is to go to his mates and go don't you dare text me a million times.

Also the fact that he's been sooo nice just goes to show he purposely has been treating me like shit for ages and it wasn't through poor control of his emotions through stress at work. He's fully capable of not being a dick and has obviously been doing so to control me.

This is genuinely a thing abusive people do. They love bomb between aggression.

I wish I just didn't tell him everytime I found out as of course he will be wiser next time. But I guess in a way it cements in my mind that there really is no way back from this. A loving partner would understand after lying and emotional cheating at bare minimum that I would have concerns for finding that but instead it's all about how hard it is for him.

He has to go out whilst I put kids to bed. He was also driving after having alcohol. I just see him as pathetic now.

I feel there are three types of men.

Ones that don't cheat.

Ones that might do but at the destruction of their partner would come clean and do anything they could to work things out and better themselves and be would be destroyed as equally as me.

Then what I think my partner falls into the never anything he has done is wrong and cheat and liar is what he will always be.

Then what I think my partner falls into the never anything he has done is wrong and cheat and liar is what he will always be

By George I think she's got it !!

Op the realisation is part of the journey, he was a liar all along.
He will hate you now you know who he is, take care, they can be very dangerous if you dare to tell the truth.

Completely agree. You'll get through this. It's that quiet planning, inner strength and resolve and working out what that ground work will comprise.

Then what I think my partner falls into the never anything he has done is wrong and cheat and liar is what he will always be.

This is the worst man of all.

Your thread tells a horribly familiar story. You DP and my ex are cut from the same cloth. My heart breaks for you, I recall all too well the horror of feeling that all you knew (or thought you knew) is false and that someone who you thought loved you can behave in the most callous ways - lie to your face repeatedly with ease. I thought I was going insane.

My ex eventually lost his job in similar circumstances but not until he'd thrown me & our child out on the street. OW decided she was going to leave her family, and they needed our home to live in. I found myself homeless yes.. no means to support myself or our child. I clawed my way back, it was excruciatingly hard and only possible thanks to family taking me in (I wasn't entitled to housing help back then).

Be prepared for him to become very nasty - you have ''seen'' him now. No narcissist can tolerate being seen. He will seek to punish you forever. For the sake of your children, make sure Women's Aid keep records of your conversations. Having these for court proved invaluable to demonstrating the years of abuse we'd suffered.

Leave, go to a refuge, claim benefits and get housed from there. It's not ideal but its better in the long run. Your children need to be away from this man.

I'm so sorry you've been through this.
That's exactly it I been doubting myself as just couldn't believe he would be this horrible especially with us having kids together.

All he cares about is his job that's it. There's no way I would ever know the truth and I've accepted that now. I clung on to wanting proof so much that I just wasn't watching how he was treating me.

Am I going to know for sure that the condoms are his probably not but that's not the issue anymore. I've never felt so much relief in finding that. Feel like I'm going to actually sleep well tonight.

He even knew where I found it at the bottom of everything and just watching him thumble saying all his receipts are in order so basically he's saying that must have been at the bottom and he didn't see it sure..

He probably left because he has to go think of more lies.

@Wellitjustgetsworse I relentless clung to this notion that if only I knew the truth it would be OK. In retrospect I can see that fixation allowed me to ignore what I couldn't bear to admit to myself: I had married a monster, I had been duped, I had ignored or not seen the signs. All my ex cared about was himself, I suspect yours is much the same. It was not even his job, or the OW, or whatever - it was pure unadulterated egotistical self interest. He genuinely believes the world and everyone in it exists to serve his needs.

You know all that you need to know, that you cannot trust a word this man says. Once you realize that, the rest is just noise. Superfluous details.. whatever lies he now tells really don't matter. They are just more of the same. You don't learn anything new from them. The conclusion is still: you cannot trust a word this man says. If you feel yourself floundering, ask yourself - does this materially change whether I can trust him? Don't confuse betrayal with deceit. There's a fine line between the 2, and the pain you're feeling right now that is betrayal. Time will heal that I promise and you will feel nothing but more and more relief and gratitude for not being with him. I am so grateful to the OW now - if it were not for her, I would still be with him or dead (my ex was extremely violent as well).

Best advice I can offer is to build a wall between you and him. Separate yourself from him emotionally and physically but be aware of how he will try and suck you back in. This will only be because it serves him, and to chew you up and spit you back out again.

Think ahead for yourself, as a priority ensure you are safe and your children are as well. Secondly, be prepared that he will want access and will use the courts as a means to perpetuate control both over contact and financials. You will need a lawyer (hopefully you qualify for legal aid) and an IDVA (Women's Aid can help).

Honestly please don't capitulate. He's a liar and a cheat, and will continue to be so.

Do NOT let him back in, he will only do it again. But you only have to go through this once, now, then it is done.

Don't waste your chance for a new start, he is so, so not worth it.

Yeah he came back last night and still adamant it must have been in the car when his mate bought it from auction..

Just feels unreal watching someone lie to your face like this.

He's like if we break up we will still be in each others lives forever. Feel sick hearing that even when I leave I'll never really be shot of him.

I don't know how to mentally be strong enough to stay and get myself in a better situation before leaving I think that's not possible anymore.

I had surgery a year ago to remove cancerous tissue off my cervix I feel sick. I know I need to get tested now too.

Op how do you pay for food shopping or things for the kids? Do you have a joint credit/debit card or joint savings account?

Where is he sleeping?

We have a joint one too. I'd say over the past year he started getting annouyed with me buying a coffee anything he could just come home and start reading out a bank statement on his phone so I try not to use that card much now other than food shop.

He also has a few other bank accounts that I have no access to.

He's sleeping in our bedroom I'm sleeping in a different room now.

Do you do the food shop? Would you eb able to get £10 or £20 out in cashback every time so its not noticed?

That is what I was going to suggest, get cash back whenever you shop on the joint card/account and pay that into your own account. Make sure that he has no access to your account to see what you have in there. If need be start a new account online that he doesn't know about.

Other mumsnetters in the past have bought gift cards for various useful shops that they could then use after they left. Obviously you would need to make sure that they were still valid at the point at which you needed them.