I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

I can't contend with a one dimensional mind. As an adult agree to disagree and keep it moving? Or do you now want to start a troll battle? If so, good luck trolling. I'm not elementary. You can be as you please. Adios.

I don't think it's a smug fantasy to say the pp who said so would always recognise the tell take signs.
You are wrong @SandyY2K
Womens Aid has plenty of resources to teach you why, if you wish to disabuse yourself of common myths about DA.

But I understand it's more comfortable to imagine that you are exempt from human psychology & behaviours that are 100% applicable to all of us.

I certainly would do and there's no way I would tolerate this treatment. Some people male and female are more prone to be victims of abuse. There's an abuser profile and a victim profile. Abusers are good at spotting those they can abuse. They sniff them out.
And sometimes abusers "sniff out" strong individuals, because it's more fun to break someone strong.

I know one such person, who fixated on her partner cheating...yet he kicked her/stomped on her, shoved her head down the toilet and she sees condoms and is all of a sudden threatening to leave...
Anecdata.
It is all far more complex than "I have a strong character so would never get fooled - but other women lack my amazingness, because they are born victims".

@KettrickenSmiled throughout my life I have attracted nothing but men exactly as you described they think they’ll be the one to sort me out, ie get to abuse me because nobody else has, luckily for me I was actually raised by three brothers and my father so they literally haven’t got a prayer but it’s always an interesting exercise to watch 🤣

It is hurtful for people to assume I'm this weak person.

On face value if you knew who I was you probably wouldn't think that. I've filmed for some of the biggest TV channels,had articles written about me large social media following. You might even assume I'm successful but here I am. Not a humble brag just people have this image of what a 'victim' is. It could be anyone.

I used to read the relationship threads with a glass of wine with a it would never happen to me mindset too. It can happen to anyone.

So much has been veiled under him not wanting me to have any stresses in life but I can now see it was all about keeping me at home as much as he could.

You can brush off a lot of abuse believe it or not. If you didn't have a great time growing up or any healthy relationships to compare it to it is even harder.

The frog boiling in water is pretty spot on.
The cheating has hit me hard as I think on some level I would think we'll at least I'm his everything. He just gets angry sometimes because of work, he controls me because he just loves me so much.
Sounds stupid writing that down and pull me apart all you like. But overtime you just get worn down so much. Your self-esteem goes out the window.

When we met I was young I had my own home no kids. A job nothing amazing but it was mine. I would model for fashion brands and I didn't know what I wanted in life but soon after we met all that went and before I knew it I was living with him and going away on fancy hoildays. Being engaged then had kids and it just got worse and worse. But by that point I didn't have a support network around me and at times only had his mother to talk to when he would abuse me and I would then feel it wasn't so bad or it was all somehow my fault.

Its all made me realize there must be so many women in situations like mine.

I’m pretty sure there were red flags at the beginning of this relationship but you may have not seen them because of childhood abuse. Your husband sounds like a text book narcissistic, he pressured you into leaving your job and isolating you from friends/ support system , that’s a huge red flag.you were probably naive and didn’t see it.

How old are you?
How long ago did you give up work?
and how long have you been with him?

Someone like this doesn’t just change Op.

i know you’ve said that until only very recently you thought you had a wonderful marriage - clearly, you did not and I very much doubt you actually thought you did

You're not alone @Wellitjustgetsworse and you're certainly not weak, nor in a particularly unusual position in life.
Sorry you're having a shit time. If it's any consolation, many women go through this. It seems like a bloody rite of passage.

Yeah I think that's fair.

There were some for sure looking back for example talking about his ex badly a lot.

Making comments when we would go out like 'when do women stop wearing makeup' whilst looking at a mum with her newborn baby.

He love bombed me. He would turn up in his fancy car and clothes. Extravagant gifts and I just thought wow how lucky am I. I'd only dated guys who I would have to support in previous relationships and I just saw him as this successful and funny good-looking guy.

He would surprise me with hoildays all sorts and I thought I had hit the jackpot really. Felt like a movie.

All that you have described isn’t love bombing (the much loved mumsnet expression). Sounds very normal start to a relationship when you’re really keen on someone.

It doesn’t mean he’s not a cheating twat op. But if were you - I wouldn’t get caught up in trying to psycho analyse him.

Those are some 3 major red flags.

I think if it can happen to J K Rowling and Mel B, that's a pretty good indication that it's not restricted to stupid or weak women. Mel B in particular has said it was very hard to accept that she, Scary Spice, full of Girl Power, was in this situation.

• love bombing
• talking shit about the ex
• putting women down.

But he never committed and he never cared about the things that were important to you.

Because that’s what narcissists do, it’s all about them.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

Your not a weak person and you shouldn't listen to people saying this too.

You know your situation even taken in the advice given you know what to do yourself.

Whatever you decide you are supported.

And this is equally wrong advice.

The judge will look at the needs of children as enshrined in the childrens act before anything else. They will not be made homeless along with their primary care giver. The judge has the ability to order that the children and their primary care giver remain in the home if there is no other alternative housing option.

There is no automatic right or entitlement to this arrangement but it can be awarded. The OP won’t acquire an interest in the property but she will have security in housing for some time.

And how often does this actually happen @LemonTT ?

Not asking in a snarky way - genuinely interested.
Because the norm seems to be that the father can simply do as he pleases, beyond obligatory CMS payments (which are frequently flouted, with no comeback from the authorities).

Think VERY carefully before you do this.

"I would call the OW husbands and tell him everything, then I would sit while sipping a glass of wine and enjoy the aftermath."

You have already poked the hornets nest by contacting her and they both know.
You are still researching your options and you need time and space to do this.
What would happen if you tell her husband and it all kicks off and the whole messy situation spirals. Its a pressure cooker. You've identified abusive traits... what if that escalates?
You have children to think about
While its satisfying to think about exploding the whole situation, you are too close to the bomb zone at the moment. You won't be sipping a glass of wine and enjoying yourself.
Be safe and Bide your time.

Hi 👋 I completely understand what you’re going through it’s absolutely appalling. Most women will understand you with regards to being duped by a man.

So you’re no different if that’s what you thought.

Now it’s time for you to rediscover yourself and let this be a learning experience.

You will bounce back stronger than ever before having been through this. Believe me you will.

And you take that narcissistic arse for everything he’s worth!!!! I mean it.. Take it all!! Don’t show mercy either as I’m sure he will pay dearly for what he’s done to you. Rail Road the twat!!!

Best wishes and Good luck 👍

OP, do keep in mind that divorcing this man is going to be bad because he’s a narcissist. You’re going to need a lot of support and a good lawyer specialised in narcissistic spouse (they exist). You’ve been a stay at home mom, raised his children and put up with his very abusive behaviour. You deserved every single penny you can get from him.

Hey not married. I can't take him to the cleaners like people are saying.

Last night he said if we break up he will scrape together 10 grand for me to have a place nearby. He said it wouldn't be for long term.

I feel he just wants me to go away for awhile then come back if he wants me.

He's now made it all about him saying he's not sure we can be together. It's his way of deflecting the whole situation.

So tired of it I know I need to keep saving and try get a job. I'm hoping I can get something I can do from home so if I move it won't be effected as much and I can support myself leaving.

He did similar when I found pics of him and his ex together having lobster lol.
He made up some storey that he had to take her out for dinner as she had an eating disorder and wouldn't eat.

I actually contacted his ex and non of that was true. It was in the first few months of dating (been together many years) and I found that out a year or so ago so I got over it as it was so early in the relationship I just thought fuck it we hadn't been together long then

What he did then was to dump me and if I brought it up he would go mental at me. He denied everything until he couldn't deny a time stamped photo on social media.

I can see a pattern now. If he gets caught doing anything he will deny deny and lie to extremes.

I feel he just wants me to go away for awhile then come back if he wants me.

This needs to happen on your terms, not his. He may have most of the power but not all. You can take control of what you do and make your own decisions. He can't control everything. He can't control what you do.

PPs have given you good advice on what to research and where to start. Knowledge is power. Speak to the experts and then make your decisions based on yourself and your children. Don't hang around waiting for him to decide. Take action and decide for yourself.

@Wellitjustgetsworse I can see a pattern now. If he gets caught doing anything he will deny deny and lie to extremes.

Yes, that’s what narcissists do. He’ll gaslight you, they have their own version of events that have nothing to do with reality. You’ve become a difficult supply by not letting him have his cake and eat it too and now he’s coming up with different ways of punishing you. The more you demand justice or explain your needs the worse it’s going to get. Make a secret plan to disengage from this horrible man and start looking for a job.