I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

Exactly

But ignore the people not supporting you.

So someone in an abusive relationship, financially dependent and with small children finds out her partner is cheating, devastated, comes here for some advice and gets more abuse? You guys must be friends with her narcissistic husband.

Or concerned about the children involved
and not willing to indulge the op
rather to encourage her to stop the obsession with the OW and start putting her children first (and indeed herself) and focussing on what is actually important. Planning her departure.

although I, and others, are beginning to see that ain’t never happening

Indulgence? I've just been typing every thought and feeling I've had. I don't want the thread up anymore I had one removed in the past for outing details Mumsnet said they don't like to remove threads as people make the effort to comment. So please ask them to remove it.

You're projecting your experience with your friend on to mine. Im not being sarcastic I don't need to get notifications of your comments.

Calling me manipulative and trying to tell me how awful am I when I am struggling is disgusting. What are you trying to gain? I already know how sick people get at hearing the same thing why I've come here instead of constantly telling my friend.

What should I do just turn up at the council with barely any money no job no way of getting about. Loose my bussiness. Change my kids life upsidedown with no real plan. I have no family or friends that can help.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

Ignore stupid people please

How are things going?

You have no idea how powerful my partner and his family is. His family is full of solicitors, comes from a wealthy family and I don't want to leave if there is a chance he will get our children.

I know that is what will try to happen if I go. I want to have a job or more security in place.

When something has happened I've come on here I switch between trying to see some humour in it to make it bearable to being completely devastated at the reality of my situation.

I am planning to leave. I don't need to justify that to you. I think it's probably a human thing to care about the small details as this is my life.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

Please do what you feel is best here.

Ignore the people who carry on like it's so easy to leave. Some situations are hard.

Please remember it's your call Hun.

When your ready too.

No no! You're not warping me into all that!

Projection of experience? Wake up! Everyone commenting on here is probably talking from experiences or encounters of their own (whether they say so or not) and if not, then how credible is their advice anyway?!

Well if that's truly what you want (security etc) then how about you focus all your energy on that instead of entertaining yet another thread (sine this isn't your first) with regular updates on how you're using your energy to entertain OW and your abuser? How is that making an effort to MOVE ON?!

I'm sorry OP! Honestly! Not trying to be a bitch although I can see how my comments may seem that way! But for the sake of your kids, take action! You can't control every current dynamic, nor can you control every possible outcome! But you do need to get your kids out of there before the courts see you unfit as a mother (that monster is an unfit father!)!

My family are solicitors too (although not in family law) but I've heard lots over the years! There's no way the dad will get custody! Focus on your own 'fit to be parent' evidence! Start my removing yourself and your kids!

Yes it's scary! But staying in the situation isn't an option!

Ps. I'm a product child of the situation you are in! Took me YEARS of counselling to recover the shitty decisions my mother made and forgive her! Don't do the same to your kids! Please!

@Realtalk2022
I giving up. Unless we engage re the OW, then the Op isn’t interested.

@Realtalk2022 your friend has taken years & hasn't managed to get out yet.
But you are berating OP for not getting out within a single day of starting her thread!

It takes an average of 7 attempts for women to leave an abusive man.
Beating OP up will NOT advance the speed at which she is able to leave hers.

I'm sorry OP! Honestly! Not trying to be a bitch although I can see how my comments may seem that way! But for the sake of your kids, take action! You can't control every current dynamic, nor can you control every possible outcome! But you do need to get your kids out of there before the courts see you unfit as a mother (that monster is an unfit father!)!

My family are solicitors too (although not in family law) but I've heard lots over the years! There's no way the dad will get custody! Focus on your own 'fit to be parent' evidence! Start my removing yourself and your kids!

Yes it's scary! But staying in the situation isn't an option!

Ps. I'm a product child of the situation you are in! Took me YEARS of counselling to recover the shitty decisions my mother made and forgive her! Don't do the same to your kids! Please!

Sensible advice

If you genuinely imagine I am a troll, you need to hit the MNHQ report button, not make on-thread accusations.

You're also wrong about me wanting to start a debate with you - what I WANT os for you to stop victim-blaming. You could be a lot more "INFORMED" if you did some reading on the Womens Aid website, where the "basic opinions" you quoted - i.e. established, documented facts - come from.

Nothing I can say now without being accused of enjoying the situation or of manipulation.. the language you use is not appropriate. The only one I can see who is remotely trying to troll is yourself.

Sounds like you need to start a thread of your own on your issues. People don't attempt suicide for kicks.. counting my lucky stars the few friends I do have are caring and understanding and I try my very best not to offload onto them to often. Hence starting threads on Mumsnet instead of telling them everything that happens when they have their own problems.

What a lovely person you are to find enjoyment in this.

Ignore the bully OP. You're doing the right think by planning your exit strategy. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. Carry on working on a way out. I hope he doesn't make it as hard as you think he will.

I think @Realtalk2022 is coming at it from the perspective of the children, as she says she experienced this type of scenario as a child. It must be very raw for her. Hence her forthrightness for the op to do something more than focus on the ow

I don't think OP deserved all that such shameful behaviour.

@Wellitjustgetsworse Ignore the really nasty people.

What you do and feel is best for you and your children is what matters.

Please keep updating the thread.

I am sorry this has blown up like this. You are strong and you will make the right decisions for your family. Best to you.

@Wellitjustgetsworse hi, first please ignore the nasty posts- these people are strangers, you don’t have to listen to their opinions. Secondly, I understand how awful it is when your other half cheats and literally turns on you- been there. I will give you some advice, you may not be married but you do have children- so not matter what he’s responsible for paying towards their upbringing.
Do not accept any money until you have received independence legal advice, and do not leave the property- but stop cleaning for him, cooking, washing etc.
you need to disengage emotionally - and by doing this you will find strength.
He believes you are weak- you are not.

Doing what some of you has suggested. I don't know how to carry on I feel that I need to just leave without a plan in place now. I'm not strong enough to stay. I just found a condom leaflet in his car for ones we have never used and he's adamant they aren't his.

I'm trying the grey rock method but it's just too much. I wanted to have more savings get the next few months and Christmas out the way and not throw away the opportunities I've got coming up. The kids are non the wiser he's actually been sickly sweet.
I've been trying to look at his accounts but no luck so far and found that in a box of his receipts.

I'll never know how much he really makes. I'll never know who the hell I've spent nearly the last decade with.

He's now left because it's ridiculous I could even question such a thing..
I know now it will be unbearable again and I don't want the kids to deal with the atmosphere that is about to come.

If the condom leaflet was nothing to do with him why was it in his car? He's obviously not going to admit it, just gaslight you until you start thinking well maybe it wasn't his. I wouldn't believe anything he says. Sorry it hasn't got any better for you.

He believes he has all the power, with HIS house, HIS high income, time to prove him wrong. I know you didn't like the idea of going to the council last time but don't really see what else you can do.