Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

[HollyIvy89]

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

*take out the 2nd 'you'.

OP first of all - nobody on the outside can decide about the status of your relationship. There are many reasons why people might not be married or not living together yet which have nothing to do with not being committed enough.
Please just ignore the comments about you being "just a girlfriend".

Another important thing - you are allowed to have your feelings! You don't have to feel bad, selfish or whatever for having them. You are very aware of yourself and your asking right questions rather then blaming your partner and taking things personally.

I would tell him how you feel and what you can both do to move past it. It might involve changing his arrangements or changing your attitude. Maybe you need more reassurance from him or maybe you'd like to be involved in some ways in the future. There is no one right answer. What's important is that you both understand your needs and feelings and work together to find a compromise while taking care of each other in the process.

Your role?

She’s their Mum. How could you even think of denying the children family time on Christmas morning?

People are not property. Grow up.

It's so lovely hearing about all the positive stories with exes on this thread, you're doing it right ♥️

Me and my ex do this. We are both single but it will be continuing if we meet anyone. Their actions as parents are separate. You say you aren't jealous but you clearly are - it's for Thier kids.

Agreed. I'd rather alternate holidays, like I did with my DD and she turned out just fine.

Exactly! I've NEVER heard of anyone that has done this, even people that are friendly with their exes. And I know lots of divorced parents. Most of them either celebrate Xmas on different days, one has the kids in the morning and the other parent has them in the evenings, or they just alternate the holidays.

Do you expect him to forgo seeing his DC on xmas day?

I have a direct understanding of what you are going through and I sympathise with your situation.

My partner had no boundaries with his ex, whatever she wanted she got which wasn't in the best interests of the children but herself. Christmas was one of those times. She wanted him to come over in the morning to open presents but there was several issues with this.

Firstly the kids had this impression that their parents we're getting back together which caused lots of problems with my relationship with them and completely confused them. Secondly he bought all the presents she never contributed but took the recognition for them. His wider extended family never saw them during Christmas and that and other similar situations mean they didn't have a close relationship with them. And finally it undermined the new family structure- it left myself and my daughter their step sister out of the picture.

So now we give separate gifts, we have them on 24th she has them on the 25th. It makes Christmas last twice as long, all family get to share their family time together and no blurred boundaries or confusion.

The situation in the long term isn't going to work, you are part of the family and excluding you from family time divides.

But they aren't a family anymore lol... they are separated!

Found the ex who can't let go. Your clearly so triggered by op, why?🤣

What's interesting is that your rationale for kids having 'family time' (total misnomer btw) on Christmas is..."She's their Mum".

It reflects what's often on here - Mum's wants conflated with children's needs, and passed off as one and the same.

I’m not an ex who can’t let go and I don’t have any children. I’m also not ‘triggered’.

Poly, 5 partners and some of them do have children. My primary partner will be with his children and their Mum on Christmas morning because that’s what they all want. I like the morning by myself and being with my own family (parents, nephews etc) in the afternoon.

Another partner lives in the family home with his children and their Mum because that works for them.

Everyone is exactly where they want and need to be. OP’s partner has made a choice which she isn’t included in. This is upsetting for her so she should do something nice for herself on Christmas morning or end the relationship and find one where her particular wants and needs can be met.

Like I said, people are not property and if someone is by your side when they want to be elsewhere doesn’t that make that time together meaningless?

@purpleboy

I missed the memo that said you had become the thread police.

My comments are based on fact and I've said the exact same points in the past. It's nothing new at all.

Please move on.

So it's ok for you to make repeated sly comments across multiple threads about a poster always having consistent views, despite you yourself always having consistent views, yet it isn't ok for another poster to call you out on your bullshit?

Ok then

Op it hardly matters what the 'norm' is, the fact is this is how he wants it to be at the moment and if everyone is still amicable then it sounds quite nice to give them one morning together.
Regardless of your status you have still only been together 3 years, not long really in the grand scheme of things, you don't live together, whether you want to and are waiting for the dust to settle with both your ex's, I don't know.
Does his wife know about you, do his children ?

I think what you are asking is about the permeance of your relationship with him, is he prepared to merge your lives together and proudly put you first. We don't know that, but him putting you above his children sounds self absorbed, whether some people never spend any time with their ex's is irrelavant to your situation.
Push him and you may find answers you don't want, concentrate on your relationship with him, moving in together maybe would be the next step, I mean you want the very best for your own children but you can't expect him to neglect his own children for the sake of your family unit and you.

Being a stepmom requires great diplomacy and I think you maybe need to expand a little on the empathy side of your nature.

And yes many women put children first and foremost above men, whether married or not, that is how it should be. Wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, all should realise parenting is more important, you bring a child into the world and they should be your priority.

I'll get slated for that by some, the me brigade always have something to say about that, frankly I've seen many children that are more grown up than the parents.
Yours was a selfish question, what did you want for him to stay with you Christmas morning with your children or were you thinking of shipping yours off to the ex and having a Christmas morn solely dedicated to you.

Maybe have the conversation about merging children and introductions if that has not happened yet, but just don't throw the dump the children and put me first on what is one of the most important days for children and parents.

I'm not the thread police, I was just taught talking about someone in front of them was bad manners when growing up. If you have something to say about them that needs to be said at least be a grown up and say it to their face.
You obviously weren't taught that so I'm just letting you know, you behavior was childish, mean girls and severely lacking in dignity. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Baffled how you can be so resentful.

Come on this is for HIS children and the.youngest is only 10.

You are either extremely selfish and/or emotionally unintelligent.

This is a pill you need to swallow. When you got with him, you knew he came with 3 kids. It sounds like a good arrangement to me. Making the kids split the day is just a pain. This way he gets to spend some time with them in the morning while you get ready or do whatever you need to, give them their presents, make sure they know he loves them and cares. Then you have the rest of the day together and he spends it with YOUR family.

You are the adult in this situation and you need to get over this ‘it diminishes my role’ thing – no it doesn’t. Be the bigger person! You’re entitled to feel how you feel, but this is one time you should keep it to yourself and put those kids feelings first. They’re still young, especially the 10 year old and this shouldn’t be the last time their Dad does this with them, and he shouldn’t feel he has to say he will only be half an hour.

Some shitty, nasty replies on here.
The OP clearly is conflicted. She KNOWS she may sound unreasonable and she wanted some reassurance that it’s ok. Some replies are helpful and advise her how to cope. Others are downright bitchy.
A good rule of thumb for these nasties is: if you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, don’t post.

I know some separated parents who do this, especially where there are no other children involved.

So in the cases I know of - dad goes to the mum's (ex partner) house in the morning and they all open gifts together.

If there are new partners then it's often only for a couple of hours with brunch and/or a drink. No new partners, often longer with lunch and into the afternoon/evening.

It only seems to change if and when the dad gets new children, or one of the new partners gets upset about it.

Where it can happen I think it's lovely for the children to see mum and dad putting on a united front together to celebrate Christmas/birthdays.

I think you would be being really unfair if you made it stop next year, you don’t really have the right to affect them kids lives like that. Can you not go as well, is that not the easiest solution?

when you get with someone with kids YOU enter THEIR lives the onus is completely on you to fit in with their traditions, life and custody arrangements.

I do understand how you feel but I’m sorry this just isn’t about you and you should back off imo.

when you get with someone with kids YOU enter THEIR lives the onus is completely on you to fit in with their traditions, life and custody arrangements.

Yeesh 😬

Custody arrangements maybe but the rest no, you don't, I would never have agreed to be with my partner in those terms. Many separated parents are still more than able and willing to build new traditions, step parents are not automatically slipping into an established life by default.

There's another mum being slated on a thread because she's annoyed her ex won't be coming to open presents as he has a girlfriend.
She's being told she IBU to expect that and they need to move on and do xmas day separately!

So my DP will be staying with his ex and children Xmas eve and I will be joining them all for Xmas day, at his invitation. She is not pleased by this, but does have her own partner who will be there.

The alternative is me spending Christmas day alone as my ex and I do not share children at Christmas but take turns each year.