Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

[HollyIvy89]

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

Oh hon of course you're a bit jealous, who wouldn't be but you know it's for the kids and there'll only be a few more years before it stops 💐

OP, change will come about as you and your partner are together for longer, and as the children get older! They grow so fast and change so quickly.

I do think you need to be able to have calm, grown-up conversations with your partner about "OK, how do you see us blending families going forward? What about Christmas, about birthdays, about school events, about living together?" This is a valid concern but there's no one "normal" way. You and your evolving family will have to figure out what works for you, and you can only do that if you communicate.

I think it's great that the two of them are both there for the present opening. Presumably their kids enjoy it and therefore it's worth doing.

OP it's nice how you do things with your ex. His gf is included and not left out.

I see what you mean. So he has them Xmas eve and morning at his house but you aren't invited. It's still early. Why don't you ask if you can spend Xmas eve and day at his?

Lots of us have been in OPs position as dads GF or step mum do not all of us hate step moms. It doesn’t mean we can’t be fair and see this as a good thing for thd kids. It’s also a good thing overall imo.

@GrandOleOpryNights It’s the poster from the step parenting board that has about 10000 posts, which only ever see it from the step mums viewpoint. 🤣

Youre mistaking me for someone else - I’m not a step parent and have never posted on the step parent board.

Not you. I was quoting @aSofaNearYou

I would question why you're not involved in this day? Has his Ex got a new partner? I have been in this position being the single ex and my ex used to spend 'family time' (slept together) with me and the kids up until I finally met someone. Then he went nuts and we have to swap Xmas each year... He basically wanted us as a family but his GF as that and she was never involved...

It’s the poster from the step parenting board that has about 10000 posts, which only ever see it from the step mums viewpoint.

What's your point? Do consistent views surprise you?

Sorry @GrandOleOpryNights I can see that now 😁

Brilliant for the children and you should not ask him to stop, they are his children and he seems a good father and as a good father his children will always be more important than you and that's the way it should be.
My husband and I are still together but I always expect him to put the children before me and l love him more for that. X

I find it pretty ironic being accused of only ever seeing things from the step mothers' POV when on so many threads, such as this one, I'm compelled to throw my voice in to simply try to offer balance (as girlmom21 said) to the sheer quantity of posters determined to dismiss the step mothers' POV entirely, and emphasise how little they think it matters. These are posters who outright say "I only care about the kids here, you do not matter" etc etc. Yet in actually responding to the person posting and empathising and offering advice for their situation, I'M the one only seeing things from a certain perspective? Not the people banging on about their perspective being irrelevant and unimportant? I don't think so.

I can see the other perspectives here. They do not change the fact that no, OP and others in her position do not HAVE to accept this set up and they are allowed to consider it a deal breaker and a source of discomfort without being wrong to do so. Pretty logical to consider the perspective of the person posting and respond by actually offering empathy to them, rather than only the other people in the situation not here to read it, no?

This.

Hopefully you and he are going to be in it for the long haul. You'll hopefully have all the celebrations together post kids. Just focus on you and yours, and as his get older things will change. It feels a bit heartbreaking for the 10 year old to miss out on spending time with both of their parents at Christmas while they can make it work.

I dont imagine that you'd compromise what you thought was best for your kids for him. It doesn't mean you don't love him though. Same goes for him. The situation just means it's a case of biding your time, which hopefully you'll have plenty of. Enjoy what you have now, youll have plenty of Christmasses in the future. And remember what other posters have said, he's spending Christmas with his kids, not his ex.

Also, of course you can feel uncomfortable about it. It's up to you to weigh up whether you want the relationship or not.

@Jellycatspyjamas

@GrandOleOpryNights

It’s the poster from the step parenting board that has about 10000 posts, which only ever see it from the step mums viewpoint.

I concur with this. SM is ALWAYS right and there's an inability to be objective or see another perspective. Come hell or highwater the SM is always right according to said poster...I've said exactly that in the past.

Why would you stop him co parenting like this? It's much better for his dc. Its really not about you. Encourage him to go. Being a good dad is a good thing!

Is there any need for this level of nastiness? It's all a little mean girls isn't it?
Try and retain some dignity.

I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

This isn’t true though is it?

I think it’s wonderful they are co parenting so well & prioritising their children over partners.

@girlmom21 no, it's not that most people here hate the step mum. It's that we'd all/mostly put our children first.

My DP does something similar. I encourage him to spend christmas morning with DSC because it's an exciting day for them, they love having their dad there and he loves it too. But we've also created 'our' traditions - we have a nice meal on christmas eve, watch a bad film and have a drink. On Christmas morning I'll get up early, make him a christmas (breakfast) roll and away he goes.

PP said that 'kids will always be more important than you' but that's just not true, kids and partners can and do matter equally - there's enough love and consideration for everyone!

At the same time it is 110% ok for Dads to prioritise time with their kids on days like christmas/bdays. It's the right thing to do (even if your feelings around it are complex). Opening presents on christmas morning also has zero negative meaning for your relationship; it implies nothing other than he's a considerate man.

Not true at all so maybe consider the notion that you yourself are biased 🙄 if you think I am bothered by being accused of always saying the same thing by posters who themselves always say the same thing, you are mistaken. Most people think the same thing across multiple similar debates.

As I said in my previous post, I wouldn't be so compelled to focus on the rights of the step mothers perspective if it wasn't always in response to the amount of people outright and proudly declaring how little they give a shit about it or their happiness, and think it is even worthy of consideration. I will always disagree with that sentiment and consider the step mothers feelings as valid as any other human beings. THAT is displaying an inability to be objective.

While the idea of coparenting is good there are women who use this as an excuse to still try to be Queen bee and dictate in their ex's life. It's not just Christmas - it's the 18th then the 21st and they are not open to the idea of the new wife having any part in it no matter how many pairs of knickers she has washed for the kids. My husband's ex wanted to share a room with him at their daughters graduation 😂😂😂😂 He was horrified.
@HollyIvy89 because one is only 10 I would say try to be generous in this respect.

To be fair, I started off with a lot of sympathy for OP as I can imagine it's not the easiest to imagine your DP playing happy families with their ex. Because that's at the heart of it, isn't it? The DP and his ex are enjoying a happy family scene every Christmas morning while the OP feels left out and pushed to the side.

I understand those feelings, and I can well imagine lots of women would feel the same way. However, where I think the difference lies is that OP feels that she's actually in the right, and that changes need to be made to accommodate her hurt feelings. And that in a nutshell is why she's being called selfish. Because she is.

It's fine to feel a bit uneasy, but the adult thing to do is put the children first. They're only children for such a short space of time and it's just a couple of hours one day per year.

Expecting the children's Christmas to be changed to accommodate the whims of the dad's partner is totally unreasonable.

The OP has the right to ask her DP to change his children's Christmas to suit her. He's entitled to refuse. OP then has to decide whether it's a deal breaker or not - and that's her choice.

OP has said she can't see the benefit of her DP and his ex both being there for their children to open their presents. She's either being obtuse or is incredibly self-absorbed. Not many families manage this but if they do, it's wonderful for the children. And in this case the youngest is only 10 years old!

As a full disclaimer, my parents were divorced and I was really close to my stepmum. Probably closer to her than my actual DM. But it was still really nice that my DM and DF got on well together and got together on my birthday etc, it made me feel less tugged in different directions.

I think it would be entirely reasonable to talk to the DP to see how he envisions the future and Christmasses as their families blend. But to demand that he drops Christmas traditions with his children to keep her happy is just bloody awful.

He’s spending the day with his family and rightly so . You aren’t family just a girlfriend. Perhaps when you move in or have a child together things will change. His children come first and it’s all they’ve known both parents being together at Christmas. Don’t ruin it for them. You have your Christmas with your own children and see your boyfriend Boxing Day.

Of course partners will never matter as much as children, what a daft thing to say.

They matter in a totally different way.