Boyf spending time with ex at Xmas

[HollyIvy89]

My boyfriend is divorced / separated more than 3 years but he and his kids mum always do Xmas morning together (they would do the whole day if I wasn’t bothered). Also open kids bday gifts together.
this Year being the 3rd year I have been around I thought it would be more a one had AM and one has lunch but it has moved forward to kids have lunch with one parent only but they always still come to each other house for Xmas AM.
I am thrown as I assumed this year he would know I am bothered and it would stop. He says next year he will stop - kids 15, 14 and 10 now.

I know it potentially is just a couple of hours (he says it will be 30min - it will not!) and I am by no way threatened that they interested in each other at all. Not jealous in that respect.

I just have this odd feeling deep in my gut that I can’t shake that it makes me feel a bit strange. I think I worry that it diminishes my role in some way but equally I do also understand it’s great that he and her and co parent their kids in a civil way.
(my own situ there would be no way my ex would come and open gifts with our kids)
I just don’t know why it bothers me so much
looking for you guys to rationalise my feelings please.
ps. He will then come on his own and have Xmas meal with my wider family when his ex takes the kids back to hers

@KillerSandy completely agree with you on this!!

Of course partners can matter as much as children - relationships wouldn't survive if they didn't! I know I am as important to my DP as his kids (he's told me so).

But the kids and I are important in totally different ways, their needs and my needs are not the same, and they don't necessarily come into play at the same time. As an adult I know and understand when the kid's needs need to come first, and in respecting DPs role as a dad fully I support him in supporting his kids needs.

But that doesn't make them 'more important' or me 'less important'. It's not a competition!

"Of course partners will never matter as much as children, what a daft thing to say."

Perhaps it's this way of thinking that leads to separated parents in the first place! Food for thought.

Any parent who doesn't prioritise their child's well-being over a new partner's demands is not a very good parent.

*Of course partners can matter as much as children - relationships wouldn't survive if they didn't! I know I am as important to my DP as his kids (he's told me so).

But the kids and I are important in totally different ways, their needs and my needs are not the same, and they don't necessarily come into play at the same time. As an adult I know and understand when the kid's needs need to come first, and in respecting DPs role as a dad fully I support him in supporting his kids needs.

But that doesn't make them 'more important' or me 'less important'. It's not a competition!*

Agreed. Anyone who feels the need to view and present things in such petulant, black and white terms of “you will never matter as much as my kids” rather than the more natural “of course you matter to me, I love and respect you as my partner, but in this instance I feel I have no choice but to prioritise my children’s needs, I hope you understand” is asking to end up separated.

I love and respect you as my partner, but in this instance I feel I have no choice but to prioritise my children’s needs, I hope you understand” is asking to end up separated.

‘I feel I have no choice‘. 😬 Lol. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone that felt that way about being with their children, as if they don’t really want to do it but they’re sort of stuck doing it. There’s nothing wrong with a partner saying ‘I’m spending time with my children because I want to, that’s what I’m choosing to do’.

In instances where the children's wants and needs are clashing with their partner's wants and needs, it shows empathy for the fact that you are having to ignore your partner's. It shows that you care that you are making them uncomfortable or whatever it might be, but still feel you need to prioritise the children. It's far more mature than simply thinking "my children matter more so I don't care how you feel, lol". If you don't care about how your partner feels, even if you are unable to adapt what you're doing for their sake, what is the point in being with them? You're just not a nice person or a good partner, or you feel they are not. Either way, not good.

A good partner, at times like OP describes, would support their partner spending time with their children.

But I’ve read lots of your posts on the step parenting board after a pp said you always favour the new partner. I thought they may be being unfair but after reading your posts, it’s clear to see you actually really do always side with the new partner regardless. I prefer to just take every situation individually and be fair.

“I came to ask about what’s normal“

This is normal for your boyfriend’s family. He’s a good dad and he and his ex are on good terms for the sake of their mutual children. Wish more people were, perhaps the number of youngsters struggling with mental health issues would improve.

If you can’t cope with that, this may not be the relationship for you.

@FallingsHowIFeel You'll notice that I'm actually not saying you should always do what the new partner wants. I'm saying that assuming they're not some wildly unreasonable person, showing you care how your actions around your kids affect them should be part of being in a relationship.

I do not always think what any new partner wants should be given in every instance, but I DO always think that what everyone in the family feels should matter, and there should not be some bluntly expressed hierarchy of "kids matter x amount, you matter y amount, so I don't give a shit how you feel and am unable to even talk to you about it with respect". So yes, to the many advocates of that line of thinking on here, it would appear that I "always support the new partner". If posters simply disagreed with the posters desires without displaying that dismissive sentiment, as some (but rarely all) do, my comments would less frequently be in defence of the new partner/step mum. But those posts are almost always there, and I will always argue against people speaking like that, in the same way those that speak like that always feel the need to speak like that! I'm by no means the only person here who tends to support the same perspective regularly. Most do. That is what I end up arguing against on every thread, forcing people like you to condescendingly declare I only see things from a certain perspective whilst totally missing or wilfully ignoring that I am responding to people on the other side of the fence doing exactly the same thing, or expressing the same sentiment I don't agree with time and time again.

i really didn’t anticipate such response. Thanks for your opinions.
I am still recovering from being called names. I don’t think that is necessary. It’s not helpful. People could get their point across with out name calling.

I do feel sad that some of you believe that I am just the girlfriend. I have my own circumstances that you don’t know about and marriage again for me right now is not on the table. It seems that in order to have any more relevance in my partner (must not call him boyfriend has it gives some the ick) and his kids life I must live with him or be married.

I do wonder how many of the people replying have any direct understanding of the situation. I know some of you do but I do wonder if some may feel slightly different if in similar circumstances.

i personally believe it’s good to talk rather than bottle it up and my communicating that I felt uncomfortable/ funny with the situation is good for me to express and not bottle and become anxious etc

I have reflected on your comments. He is an excellent dad. I am not gong to stop anything. That has to come from them ‘if’ they make any changes. I wouldn’t want to force anyone to do anything as I then wouldn’t feel good at all. And I also don’t think it makes me a monster to have my own feelings about the situation.

I was just asking for some advice and guidance. I do sometimes wonder if some people who actually speak to peoples faces like some on here do or if they reserve it for behind the safety of the keyboard. I’ve not often posted on here but I’m not sure you’ve given me the confidence to want to very soon.

please all be kind to one another. You only see a snapshot of what someone shares you. Don’t be too quick to judge.

You're entitled to feel however you feel. Of course you are.

But it seems to me that you and your BF are not aligned on priorities and goals. There's nothing wrong with being the sort of person who wants to be very close to their partner and do everything together. There's also nothing wrong with being the sort of person who will prioritise their kids' happiness over everything else. But these two things are not easily compatible without a LOT of compromise.

You seem to want to be involved more, and appear to be annoyed that your BF hasn't read your mind. From your POV, he "should" have realised by now it's not what you want, but from his POV he's done the same thing every year and you've said nowt, how's he supposed to know what you think and feel now?

Also, Mumsnetters aren't mindreaders either.

Any other issues aside in your relationship, I think this is a perfectly fine and thoughtful thing to do. My dad regularly come to our house for my birthday and Christmas day, and sometimes for Christmas or Easter or a family party we'd go to his house or my aunt/uncles (both my mum and I). Eventually when he had a serious partner, she came too, and we definitely even had several camping holidays with him (mum and I in one tent/him in the other).

My parents had absolutely no interest in being in a relationship with each other, so definitely no funny business going on or ulterior motives. It was simply that my dad was a pretty shit dad and would not have managed to make any of these days special for me on his own, but my mum wanted to have him involved in my life as much as possible as she thought it was the best thing. So to get around his incompetence and general lack of interest in me, she invited him to join on for all of these things as much as possible. And she tried to encourage me to go to things organised by his side of the family, but that meant she needed to come too.

It was totally drama free when his new partner started to join us for these things. She was/is lovely. My dad passed away 20 years ago now and they were only together for a few years, but I actually still keep in touch with her today.

My husband and his did Xmas morning gifts for years..just finished last year when youngest turned 14years..I always taught it was a lovely thing for them to do together…lovely memories for your partner and his children to have.i don’t understand why it bothers you…it won’t last forever..so let them have this time and you try focus on a nice relaxing Xmas morning.

@purpleboy

There was nothing nasty in my post at all. It was basic fact and what I've observed over years actually... the same has been observed by others.

Your post to me on the other hand, was nastiness personified, but I'll rise above it.

@aSofaNearYou

Your name didn't appear in my post, but you clearly identify with what I've said.

I very much doubt this will change until you live together. You are entitled to feel the way you do but in the circumstances I don't think it's that unusual.

Once you share a home it will be very different I suspect.

You were literally agreeing with a poster who quoted me and was talking about me. What are you on about?

Ugh, OP, sorry to see the replies you're getting. After three years, why aren't you spending Christmas together with all your children if possible on whatever day/half-day/yearly schedule is possible? I do not understand why people believe you can only have a great Christmas with your children in the presence of their other parent. He needs to move on and make his children super important in his life with YOU now, not time travel to the past with teen and pre-teen aged children for nostalgia's sake--it's sad, to be honest. Since when is ´putting one's kids first' only achieved by staying enmeshed with the ex-wife and avoiding commitment with a new partner?

It's really snide to talk about someone they way to did when you know they are on the thread. You know exactly what you did so no point pretending.
If you've got something to say have the guts to say it directly to that poster.

My ex husband and I do this for birthdays and Christmas and sometimes I invite him over for Sun dinner and he’ll help me if I need a job done in the house, ie, something needs fixed. Neither of us would ever want not to see the kids open their presents or not to have Christmas dinner with them. They are our kids and we are their parents. We split the costs of gifts etc between us and have an amicable relationship. He gets on well with my new partner. Just because we didn’t do so well as a married couple doesn’t mean that we can’t both be great parents.

@Yellowcat29 I have similar with the father of my child in terms of Christmas. But your ex comes to do jobs at your house, rather than your partner? Does your partner not mind?

My new partner doesn’t live with me and lives an hour away but would help when at my house. My ex would try to help if something happened that couldn’t really wait if that makes sense but i would try to sort myself first.

Ah yes I see what you mean. It’s good that you have that relationship. My ex is the same - he doesn’t do jobs in the house as I have a partner (though I could probably fix most things myself) but if I was stuck for something important he would help

I don't understand why you aren't you invited to the Christmas shenanigans? I think you should be. The kids wouldn't care..