Amicably divorced for ages and now find out....

[PaganQueen]

That exH had an affair about 5 years into our 15-year marriage (don't know how long it went on for) and that he was seeing his now partner before we even talked about splitting up. Maybe others too but not certain of them.

Our marriage broke down and we separated and divorced amicably in 2016. For the last 6 years we have been on great terms which has been brilliant for our 3 dc. I still held him in high regard because he's the kid's dad and I also got on well with his new partner.

I don't know what to do with this new knowledge.

I now feel like our marriage was just an absolute lie for the most part, but also the last 6 years has been based on lies too. He and his girlfriend must have been feeling so smug that I didn't make life difficult for them because they did such a good job in keeping it quiet, and he must be absolutely over the moon with himself that he kept the earlier affair/s secret enough to not ever have to take responsibility. The narrative of my life for the last 17 years has all of a sudden changed and I am SO angry that he has made a mockery of me for so long. 17 years. All that time wasted.

And I don't know what to do with my anger :(

So sorry. I can't imagine how difficult it must be a this alters your perception of so many years of your own life.

Do they know you now know the full truth?

I had this. It made me feel like a complete fool. The thing that made me really angry was that I had worked so hard at "trying to make it work" whereas had I known he was screwing around I would have divorced him a lot sooner.

So sorry you are in this position. It's really upsetting.

I am so sorry, that must be terribly difficult. Does your employer offer any free confidential counseling service or anything like that? It might help to have someone anonymous to blow off steam too.

This must feel like such a slap in the face.

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say but didn't want to read and run. That sounds shattering.

And just so sly and sneaky. It must change everything about how you view him and your life together.

How did you find out? Do the kids know? I presume they're a lot older now too

Feel free to rant away here. Sending unmumsnetty hugs

Poor you. Try not to think it makes a mockery of the past. I don’t believe that. What he had with you can just be as valuable even if he wasn’t 100% honest. without that, you’d not have your children.

he was not brave enough to be honest with you, which is a big shame. That’s on him, not you. but you both agreed it was best to break up. And you have a good relationship with him and his current partner - do you think it could be worth preserving that?

throwing the relationship away now because of the past will only hurt you all.

good luck

That's so unbelievably shit, I'm really sorry. It leaves you holding anger and nowhere to direct it. Definitely take that rage somewhere... maybe counselling? Writing a long letter and burning it? Making an effigy and sticking pins in it? Be as creative as you want! He is a knob and denied you honesty. At least you aren't still stuck with him!!

This happened to me too. I was furious when I found out - that outwardly my ex had manipulated our breakup to be mutual and amicable when it was done so he could be with OW (they 'got together' 6months after we split).

In the end - and it wasn't easy - I realized the only person I would be hurting by holding on to the anger I had over this situation was myself. He got what he want in OW, and we weren't happy together, so we would have split anyway. I was happier without him, and realizing what a low life he was helped me let go of any residual regrets over us splitting.

You've got this

Sorry this is happening to you 💐

Does the information that has come to light come from a reputable source?

I'm so sorry that so many of you have gone through the same thing. It's just crazy, almost like I am back in the horrible emotional upheaval of divorce again.

They don't know that I know. I feel like such a fool. I have bent over backwards to ensure my relationship with him remains on an even keel and was actually happy for me that we did, not just the children. I thought he did too, but he was probably just laughing his stupid smug head off the whole time. Wanker.

I have to see him at parents evening for our youngest tonight, I would love to pipe up about it and see how he reacts but at the same time it might be better to just quietly disengage in a more dignified way. (Not that I would turn into a fishwife at parents eve obvs.)

this happened to me too - along with some glorious gaslighting. When I confronted him, he actually claimed to have TOLD me he was “with” her when we were still together. You’d have thought I’d have remembered “pass the salt please and btw I’m shagging X” - but silly me, I forgot. 🙄

I cried for a day. These days I despise him and don’t communicate any which way but email.

it made me face up to the fact once and for all he’s a useless liar and a coward.

That’s horrible, OP, what a shit. I’d hold it together tonight, but I’d tell him at somepoint that you know the full story now and that you despise him. Try not to get emotional, just tell him what a sorry specimen and poor role model he is for your children. Then disengage. You can be polite, but don’t be warm or friendly in future, he’s not worth it.

Not to him, he’s done nothing to deserve it. But to whatever you believe in (I just direct everything at the sun, cos I can see it, moon at night, and aim it at the universe/destiny/fate/potential God like being) Be Grateful.

It would have hurt far far worse then. You would have been in far less good shape to be present and help your children through a very significant life change. The legal untangling of your lives as a couple could have become a proxy emotional battle, costing more energy, heartache & money than you and the kids could afford.

You got through a massive change with a clear head. He did it for his sake. But you won the bigger prize. Distance between you and the heartbreak of his lies, not being the man you thought he was. Sometimes it really is better late than never, but not right when your life is already in a state of upheaval.

With no time machine available to go back and do it different, might help more to lean into the advantages he unknowingly provided you..

Then take up kick boxing or similar and immagine the bag is him. Gratitude and positive thinking has been a huge boon for me in the last few years. But I’m not “evolved” enough yet not to need a place to also go “fuck you you wanker” for a bit until the genuine & entirely natural anger has worked its way through my system

I'm so so sorry OP. As tough as it is, the only people you're going to hurt if you act on it is yourself and your children. Get help to deal with how you are feeling because how you feel is very understandable but you need to outwardly be the bigger person.

Truth has a way of finding its way out. It may be that in 10 years time someone asks how long they've been together and they reply with a period of time longer than when you and he split up ... it may be a picture that betrays them ... it may be someone who knew them together before you split up. You think they're laughing at you but they have to look at you knowing what they did. There will be guilt there someday, if bad things happen they will wonder if it was karma for their actions.

There's a decent chance your children will find out eventually and they will know you never bad mouthed him or let it affect their relationship with him in any way. The best 'revenge' is for you and your children to have their best lives.

How much do you have to do with him? If its purely kid related I would just disengage.
This must be really upsetting but remember you've escaped him and you don't have to tolerate him at all.

I think I’d seek counselling and not tell anyone.

I would then let slip to him that you knew all along and you remained amicable as you no longer loved him and saw it as the easiest way to get rid of him quickly and quietly without him causing any drama. I really wouldn’t want him to think he had been hiding it all this time.

If he says why didn’t you say anything you can say we were young and you (meaning him) always struggled telling the truth, and you out grew him because of this.

I wouldn’t want him to think it had upset me.

I wonder if they fully trust one another?

@AlienatedChildGrown thank you so much for these wise words. It really helps. I am trying so hard to take the moral high ground and keep on getting dragged back down by anger and embarrassment at the idea of how smug they must be feeling, at my expense. But you are right, the knowledge of his infidelity would have been so much worse back then.

I am furious but need to find a positive way of channelling my anger.

I think quietly disengaging is the best way forward. You've got rid of him! You're free! You know the truth. Just smile to yourself when his latest relationship goes tits up because once a cheater, always a cheater. It's not 17 wasted years, you've had 17 years of learning about human nature and life experience - valuable tools to have.

I'm so sorry, it's natural that you are sad about it.

I doubt your ex and his partner are smug, they probably didn't want you to know to save your feelings.

This sadness and annoyance will pass, honestly. He is still the same person and as you have been on good terms, you will continue to do so.

As for the anger, get a punch bag or take up kick boxing classes. Use your emotions in a positive way, get fit and strong while punching and kicking the image of your slimy ex-husband.

@Mirrorcell he has hidden a pretty big secret from her their whole relationship so trust must be a bit iffy. He had a vasectomy when I was pregnant with dc 3 and he hasn't told her- she is much younger than him. He really does have some dubious ethics.

I'd let him know that you know in a dignified, indifferent manner. He may try to make excuses, or lie, depending on what sort of person he is, but I'd tell him you're not interested in hearing them or discussing it.

I found out something similar after my marriage ended, though it wasn't entirely amicable as the affairs I discovered were only extra to those I'd already found out about and didn't come as a big surprise. It does make you feel like a fool though.

You are responsible for yourself. He has to live with himself. The other woman just created a vacancy.

It’s upsetting but really, in the grand scheme, it doesn’t change anything. It’s not worth falling out with him but I would certainly watch yourself with him and his girlfriend. Limit what you share, make him pay for things and over time the distance will grow. Don’t be ‘available’ for him beyond the children.

Im so sorry and it’s so upsetting when you find out this sort of information. Cry it out. It’s betrayal and he has been using you. Play the long game on this and be thankful you aren’t still married to the arsehole.

I wouldnt let him know directly

i would drop subtle comments so he would think i might know, but wouldnt be able to ask me outright, that would drive him totally nuts

I wouldn't let slip you know now, to him. I'd wait and throw it at him at a later point when you're calm, and you can just let him believe you've known for a very long time.

In terms of your anger - various things might help to get it all out - big drunken rant sesh with some trusted friends? Boxing or similar as a PP suggested? I think I'd want to hit something for sure. Singing or something else where you can ,make a lot of noise e.g. learn the drums. I'd want to get it out of my system so it couldn't eat me up.

Sorry he was such a cheating, lowlife tossbag. Thank god he's not your husband now and is someone else's problem.

I’d tell her in a ‘oops’ way.