Amicably divorced for ages and now find out....

[PaganQueen]

That exH had an affair about 5 years into our 15-year marriage (don't know how long it went on for) and that he was seeing his now partner before we even talked about splitting up. Maybe others too but not certain of them.

Our marriage broke down and we separated and divorced amicably in 2016. For the last 6 years we have been on great terms which has been brilliant for our 3 dc. I still held him in high regard because he's the kid's dad and I also got on well with his new partner.

I don't know what to do with this new knowledge.

I now feel like our marriage was just an absolute lie for the most part, but also the last 6 years has been based on lies too. He and his girlfriend must have been feeling so smug that I didn't make life difficult for them because they did such a good job in keeping it quiet, and he must be absolutely over the moon with himself that he kept the earlier affair/s secret enough to not ever have to take responsibility. The narrative of my life for the last 17 years has all of a sudden changed and I am SO angry that he has made a mockery of me for so long. 17 years. All that time wasted.

And I don't know what to do with my anger :(

I’m so sorry, something similar happened to me and it was devastating but time
has healed and we have an amicable relationship now. I kick myself for not fighting harder at the time of the financials, because I believed the ‘it’s no one’s fault, it has just run it’s course, let’s not make life acrimonious’ line. Prick

re the vasectomy… does he know you know he is keeping it a secret from her? I would be tempted to drop him in it… next time you see them together, a breezy ‘oh, random question for you.. do you remember the name of the doctor who did your vasectomy? <random name> was asking last week for a recommendation and I couldn’t remember who did yours, I thought you might remember though’

Maybe she has felt shit and guilty who knows but ultimately it was your ex who had a responsibility to you -not her
You have no idea what he was telling her what he has told her about you , Most men when they’re cheating on their wives lie to the New partner that you are no longer together you are just together for the kids you are crazy et cetera
I would say that I am disappointed in both of them don’t let it get in the way of a good relationship for the sake of the childrens happiness 3 balance however I wouldn’t be inviting them round or anything like that Or having any relationship with them unless it’s a conversation about the children

Well then, this is your opportunity.

If you ever get a moment with OW /OW&exDH to pretend you always knew but kept everything calm as best for the kids, and congratulate her lasting longer than you without exDH straying, and note that should he stray she won't have that issue as they won't be having kids.

I wouldn't let slip you know now, to him. I'd wait and throw it at him at a later point when you're calm, and you can just let him believe you've known for a very long time.

I agree with this, live your life, be proud of where you are now and if at some point in the future there is the opportunity to sew seeds of doubt just sprinkle them in. Let him think you always knew, take the anger out in a different way.

That’s incredibly profound. I’ve never thought of it that way but will be passing your advice on to a friend going though similar.

Sending you lots of love, op. He might have got to keep his secret awhile but you kept your dignity and nobody can take that.

I completely agree with @AlienatedChildGrown . You have the power to decide how you frame this and that is what will help you move on in a way that is healthy for you.

I wouldn’t confront him or even talk to him about it at all. I’d focus on all of the ways this shit situation have benefited you. You behaved the way you would want to behave throughout your divorce the subsequent adjustments. You fully supported your children and built a new life. All things that would have been harder if you’d known and been battling heartbreak. This was a gift.

Knowing now is a gift too as it allows you to factor in what a shit he is in your future interactions. Now you know never to trust him, prioritise him at all or expect anything of him. Id rage and vent to a good friend and then thank my lucky stars that I’d managed to fast forward from the pain of finding out straight to a world where we were already divorced and I barely had to interact with him.

Agree with this. Yes, I think you can look at it both ways but honestly where will being angry get you? Distance yourself, focus on your life now and your lovely children. It’s a shame he wasn’t brave enough to be honest. He could just be a coward rather laughing at you. Let the past be the past.

You do have to at least confront him with your anger in some way, away from the kids. You must let him know, how this has made YOU feel. Internalising that betrayal will damage you over time. My mum tried to ignore her anger, and still idolised our father even after he’d betrayed her in similar ways, and is only now coming to terms with it at the end of her life, years and years later. She tried to bring it up with him in a letter, and he ignored her and didn’t even reply.

So my advice would be to meet with him and lay it all out, face to face. Don’t expect him to give you any good answers, expect him to minimise and play down your feelings. But you can calmly, but firmly, tell him that this has rocked the bedrock of trust between you as co parents, and it can never be quite the same again.

I’d want him to know that I knew. And I would tell him with calm, quiet menace tonight. I might even allude to the issue of his secret vasectomy. I’d want the shithead to sweat for a bit, though cunts like him don’t usually give much of a shit.

Can i ask how you found all that out OP?

I found out something significant about my ex-h after we divorced. Not cheating, because I already knew about that, but other major stuff that he'd deceived me about. I was all for confronting him about it, but I was persuaded not to and I'm glad now that I didn't. He still has his own (completely BS) narrative about me that he and his parents, and probably his new wife, believe, but I just let them get on with it and keep my distance. I think now he has got so tangled up in his own lies that he probably believes them himself, but I won't let it affect me. For the sake of dc I still have contact with him, but I've stopped making any effort to be friends with him.

So would I - was just thinking the same thing. OP should pretend she assumed the other woman knew about the vasectomy

@AryaStarkWolf a trusted friend that I have made post- divorce asked me how I felt about it, presuming I knew. She worked in the pub where he liked to carry on his canoodling (didn’t know each other at the time)

She felt awful but of course it isn’t her fault and there was no malice intended in the revelation.

I'd invite them round for a Dr Foster style dinner - you all know the scene 😂

I would tell his partner 'You knew something I didn't know, now I know something you don't know but it's up to him to tell you'.

Then she will get on his case and make him sweat.

I would calmly and factually tell him that you know and say you are glad he is still a good Dad to his kids but you have completely lost residual respect for him and for his Dp because of their dishonesty.

Wise words from @AlienatedChildGrown The split in 2016 would have been harder if you had known what was going on

Think of it as two vaccinations. One in 2016, one in 2022

@Sarahzxcvb and @Twiglets1, I asked him if he’d told her and he said no. I told him off! Said that it had gone on so long that to reveal it now would end the relationship irrespective of whether she wants children or not (she doesn’t apparently)

Our older dc can actually remember it very well as they were 9 and 6 and recall dad being sat in a chair for 3 days on end with very tight pants on whilst I scurried round looking after him 😂😂😂

🤣

Absolutely this. It would take the wind out of his sails to think you’d known for ages and probably drive him mad trying to figure out since when! Also makes you look like doubly the bigger person for trying to keep an amicable relationship when you (apparently) knew he had cheated.

Also the whole vasectomy thing - WTAF?! That’s a horrific thing he is doing to his new partner, borderline evil. He is knowingly robbing her of the chance to be a mother, you would have to be some kind of twisted psycho to do that. You are so, so we’ll away from him ☹️ I’d be tempted to breezily mention his vasectomy in front of her and then act like you thought she knew, but obviously that would set a bomb off with him and I can understand if you don’t want to do that. Also, remembering she was complicit in the affair he had with her does reduce my sympathy for her a lot - did she honestly think she was ending up with a good and honest partner?! They deserve each other by the sounds of it!

@Kaschai
"I wouldnt let him know directly

i would drop subtle comments so he would think i might know, but wouldnt be able to ask me outright, that would drive him totally nuts"

I like your style!

Wow, he's proper scum, isn't he?

I hope his new girlfriend isn't hoping for a baby with him one day. I would be very tempted to do as a pp has suggested - ask him, in front of her, the name of the surgeon who did his vasectomy, asking for a friend etc

@category12 yep he's done some horrible things. Actually makes me wonder why I just rolled over instead of getting angry at the time but I think I was just so grateful to be rid of him that it wasn't worth the negative energy! I will try and channel that feeling now.

@singlemomof3 I love this 😂

ahh, that must have stung quite a bit, knowing other people knew and he was doing it pretty publicly. I'm sorry OP. I think @AlienatedChildGrown has it spot on though, a very wise post. You can always comfort yourself with the knowledge that if that's how he really is, his smug partner probably shouldn't be so smug and comfortable with him either......