Amicably divorced for ages and now find out....

[PaganQueen]

That exH had an affair about 5 years into our 15-year marriage (don't know how long it went on for) and that he was seeing his now partner before we even talked about splitting up. Maybe others too but not certain of them.

Our marriage broke down and we separated and divorced amicably in 2016. For the last 6 years we have been on great terms which has been brilliant for our 3 dc. I still held him in high regard because he's the kid's dad and I also got on well with his new partner.

I don't know what to do with this new knowledge.

I now feel like our marriage was just an absolute lie for the most part, but also the last 6 years has been based on lies too. He and his girlfriend must have been feeling so smug that I didn't make life difficult for them because they did such a good job in keeping it quiet, and he must be absolutely over the moon with himself that he kept the earlier affair/s secret enough to not ever have to take responsibility. The narrative of my life for the last 17 years has all of a sudden changed and I am SO angry that he has made a mockery of me for so long. 17 years. All that time wasted.

And I don't know what to do with my anger :(

This is the best classy revenge on them that doesn’t hurt your children. Leaving the pair of them feeling like lesser people for your wonderful savoir faire over the years and that you had gone off him anyway because of his problems with the truth, which will needle her nicely. Ooh I hope you can do this, it ticks all the boxes!

OP, this has been bugging me because I can feel so clearly how devastated I’d be in your situation. It sickens me that you have been kind and friendly to two people who were using your good nature against you. Your ex, revelling in his cleverness at tricking you. And a woman you thought had innocently met your ex after the break-up, when in reality she had been the OW, actively helping destroy your marriage.

No wonder you feel like the victims of con-tricks so often do — almost ashamed of having been conned. But the shame is all on your ex and OW, not on you.

I would drop the friendliness and be coldly civil. If asked, I’d say you’ve found out how they lied to you. I’d also make sure OW knows about the vasectomy.

But most of all, OP, I would then close my mind to them, and focus only on DC and all the good things in my life. Free of cheating liars!

I would definitely let slip about the vasectomy!
That would be a little sweet slice of revenge, enough to feel that you weren't a complete (unwittingly) doormat for them.

yep he's done some horrible things. Actually makes me wonder why I just rolled over instead of getting angry at the time but I think I was just so grateful to be rid of him that it wasn't worth the negative energy! I will try and channel that feeling now.

I doubt you'd have behaved any differently, in trying to establish a good setting for your 3 dc in the aftermath of a torrid affair.

Now you know you were even luckier to get rid of him that you realised as he is a leopard that will not change his spots and he will continue to wreck havoc in each relationship he has.

Unfortunately males like this (I call them male as men they're not) will become the victim of the affair they had within 6 months of being found out. They are quite pathetic specimens. You're angry now and thats understandable but in some ways you've missed the bullet of him being able to become the victim if he'd been found out on this affair.

What is so galling is being lied to and then them being smug with getting away with the lies, but in their minds even if found out they are not wrong, they are never wrong and just lie to themselves as much as everyone else

In reality you are now sitting on a smug cushion, knowing he doesn't know that you know he had an affair, and he doesn't know that you feel you had a lucky escape.

My go to is to go for a really good work out to release the anger and then smile as the endorphins hit and have calm to get rid of the anger

When you see him tonight, smile inwardly at the thought of not having to be married to this twat and how much better your life.

I will offer another approach.

When seeking revenge it means that we aren't free of the past anymore and whoever we are angry against still have power over us.

Go back to one minute before discovery. Were you in a better place? Were you happier than when married? If so that's what matter most.

Your happiness should be assessed with respect to the present or future possibilities.

Unless I missed something this new piece of information doesn't have any tangible effect on your life. So why allow it to interfere with your present ?

Think of something you want for yourself (qualification, fitness goal, whatever) and then every time you find yourself thinking about those A-holes, use that as a trigger to work towards whatever it is you want for yourself.

Have you met anyone new since, OP?

A massively cheating, lying, sly, unkind, manipulative pathetic excuse for a husband.

Ooh that felt good 😂

PaganQueen you've just acknowledged how good it felt to write down how you feel about him, so I'd suggest you write him a letter, telling him how you feel etc. You don't need to send it, but I can vouch for the fact it will make you feel better; it's like getting it out of your head and into somewhere else. Maybe one day you might even want to send it to him, to have the satisfaction of telling him that you're aware of how he gaslighted you and you're well rid, but feel sorry for his current partner, as she's been fooled by him too!

Don't reveal the snip! Just sit back and wait for her to get pregnant. When shocked ex tries to tell you how betrayed he feels, shrug and say, 'yep, know how that feels' and walk away.
Think of the new revelations as the universe reminding you of your great escape.