Amicably divorced for ages and now find out....

[PaganQueen]

That exH had an affair about 5 years into our 15-year marriage (don't know how long it went on for) and that he was seeing his now partner before we even talked about splitting up. Maybe others too but not certain of them.

Our marriage broke down and we separated and divorced amicably in 2016. For the last 6 years we have been on great terms which has been brilliant for our 3 dc. I still held him in high regard because he's the kid's dad and I also got on well with his new partner.

I don't know what to do with this new knowledge.

I now feel like our marriage was just an absolute lie for the most part, but also the last 6 years has been based on lies too. He and his girlfriend must have been feeling so smug that I didn't make life difficult for them because they did such a good job in keeping it quiet, and he must be absolutely over the moon with himself that he kept the earlier affair/s secret enough to not ever have to take responsibility. The narrative of my life for the last 17 years has all of a sudden changed and I am SO angry that he has made a mockery of me for so long. 17 years. All that time wasted.

And I don't know what to do with my anger :(

TBH I don’t get what the women upset at finding their husband was seeing someone else at the end of their marriage are upset about IF the split was their idea.
Often when one partner talks of an amicable split - it’s them that has wanted the split and the other has just gone along with it without kicking up fuss, because well, that’s pointless.

BUT for those that are mad their ex started seeing someone else toward the end of the relationship that they withdrew from and then wanted to split up - the probability is your ex saw that coming for a while and felt that coldness, why should he (or she) not look for another partner? Why just passively and amicably wait until the time the one who wants the break up seems appropriate to do so?

Also, 17 years ago he was a twat, you just didn't know it and you couldn't possibly have known it. The only difference is now that you know he is a twat. The narrative hasn't changed, it just hadn't ended...

Unfortunately OW still doesn't he is a twat, that's for her to learn by herself. (She's had a big clue in carrying on an affair though - serial cheaters don't often change their spots in my experience...).

Amicable break ups don't always stay amicable (my last ex went very sour a couple of years AFTER breaking up). So try not to focus on that. Relationships are fluid and can always fluctuate and change. On the positive side - you didn't have to deal with an awful divorce at the time, divorces are hard enough without explosive anger.

Didn't want to read and run @PaganQueen

That is absolutely crap.

Some men are absolute arses. Men divorcing are even more arsier than most.

I imagine you're feeling it badly right now. Take some time out for you over the next couple of days and decide how to best proceed for you and your tribe.

All the best.

They might have been feeling like they ‘got away with it’. But frankly, if there’s a winner here, it’s you.

You’ve managed to coparent effectively after divorce. That’s a win for you and your children.

And you aren’t in a relationship with a man who lies and cheats. repeatedly and consistently. That’s a big win too.

my suggestion would be to reframe this to confirmation that divorce was absolutely the right thing to do. If you have to give their relationship any thought, then it might help to recognise that more than a decade of cheating (with multiple affairs) is quite a track record. So I doubt he’s any more faithful now.

Time is never wasted if you enjoyed it, just because it isn't going to go on forever. You had several years that you enjoyed, plus three beautiful children. Now you've been released to the next chapter of your life. So he played around! It's his loss, not yours!

He was emotionally and financially abuser, he was also a cheater... Twice by the sounds of it.

She hasn't exactly got a prize.

They're scummers, you're not.

I hope you're ok financially.

It's enraging but try to let it go and be happy. You're well rid of him.

And think of all the stress for you (and maybe your kids) that's been avoided so far by you not knowing what a scummer he is.

I think this type of revelation happens to many people op.
You are not alone.

Many women post divorce or actually going trhough divorce who are dealing with the direct pain of divorce can end up un earthing things about their partner's past.

I've found that liars don't tend to be liars for a specific period in time, it's usually an ongoing trait that has been there since first together.

Whilst that doesn't make you feel better, it can refrain your thinking of them, I found secrets out years later and it just confirmed that I was with someone who had a problem with the truth, a fundamental defect.
It is good you managed to escape this.

Pity anyone who is in his life now, people like this never change.

Say nothing. Ever. That way they may think they've gotten away with it but they haven't and you dont need to be embarrassed.

Let him have his secret. A man like that is bound to have many more. Hes clearly already being deceptive so no prize is he. Amd a vasectomy means no new siblings for your kids and your kids are what counts for you.

What a git! I would try and reframe it as exactly what you needed to happen in order allow you to create the calm and cooperative environment that meant your kids and you could thrive post-divorce. If you'd known then you'd have been so stressed and upset that it would have been infinitely harder on you. Ignorance is bliss as they say! Finding out now you have the distance allows you to process in a much healthier way. Obviously he doesn't deserve the nice happy set-up that he has benefitted from all this time, but so what, it was all for the kids anyway not really for him at all.

What a prince 😂

I still say remain silent, and I wouldn't tell her about the vasectomy. I wouldn't feel bad about it either - she knew he was having an affair and was complicit in the cover up. She knew she was getting with a compulsive liar, their relationship started as an affair. You're free, don't get dragged down to their level.

I'd remain silent and quietly try to fuck him over financially... if that is still an option

Does he pay fair support for the kids?

I completely understand your anger, and it needs an outlet. Aaaaargggghhhh in your behalf

This.

I LOVE this.

@PaganQueen I’m sorry this is all happening. So many men are so shit. She won’t be smug when he cheats on her 😀

I would sit on this information knowing that knowledge is power and now you have that knowledge.

How old are the children OP? Can you just quietly start to disengage and later down the line drop into conversation that as the children had still been young when you divorced you decided to keep things amicable but now they're older and can manage their relationship with their dad independently you really want nothing to do with someone who was unfaithful to you and is therefore a liar.

Well seeing he was abusive during the relationship anyway, I’d use learning about the affairs as a way to review the CURRENT relationship.

Being civil is one thing. But in good terms is another.

It would make me want to review current agreements etc… to check if he isn’t taking you for a ride again. And you are not ‘too kind’ again.

'Truth or Dare' might be an interesting Christmas game at your place this year!

Sorry he is even more of a bastard than you realised. You really do deserve much better.

Thank you everyone for your words of support and challenge. I love mumsnet for a bit of a hand hold and a gentle prod all at the same time.

I don't think I will say anything to either of them. And something you have all pointed out is that actually, now I know this, it just confirms how lucky I was to get out of such a controlling and damaging relationship when I did- this realisation really helps.

This.

Agree - civil is one thing, friendly is another.

I too would sit on this info for now. There’s bound to be a point in time where you’ll have the upper hand. In the meantime I’d also be making life less easy for him / them in small ways. Fuck them.

What a bloody shit he is!

Well where i come from , the term 'dropped a bollock' is used when you make a mistake.

I think this is perfectly apt in these circumstances if you accidentally decide to tell her!😏

Hi OP, I had the exact same with my ex-partner (thankfully not H).

Breakup initiated by me, we'd had years of a good, strong relationship. He worshipped the ground I walked on, adored me, talked about how much he loved me. He didn't want to break up and was heartbroken and tried to win me back.

I later find out the bastard had cheated on me anyway (one night stand). He confessed a year later.

Completely recontextualised the entire relationship and forever ruined my view of him. Any remaining respect I had for him immediately died, I cut off all contact and now I can't stand the fucker.

@WakingUpDistress I still massively struggle to assert how I actually feel about things- my comfy place is to be reasonable about everything because that means I don't have to stand up for myself. But that is changing and I will just have to choose how to do this.

He has NO IDEA how his behaviour during our relationship has wreaked such damage and nor do I ever expect him to. He would never acknowledge his part in it anyway and would most likely use it as a stick to beat me with at some point. However, I don't need him to know it for it to be true, and I guess the same can be said of this situation. I don't need him to know that I am aware he was unfaithful for it to remain true that he is a liar and a cheat. He was. A massively cheating, lying, sly, unkind, manipulative pathetic excuse for a husband.

Ooh that felt good 😂

It's almost like this very clear reason for me to think badly of him is allowing me to think badly of him for all the other stuff too. I just won't wallow in it, I will use it to make me feel stronger and to make better choices for ME about how I engage with him in the future. I hope.

You'd have to sew my lips shut with baling wire!! Not that I'd raise a ruckus, but I'd have to let him know (quietly) that I had been told about the cheating. Probably "If you think I don't know that you cheated on me or that you and "Missy" were seeing each other before we split, I'm just setting that record straight. It won't change the cordiality of our relationship, but I think it's only right that ONE of us has been completely honest".

As far as telling "Missy" about his snip, nah, let her find out in her own time. If she truly doesn't want kids she won't care. But if he goes so far as to TTC and she finds out why she's not getting pregnant, WOW!! And I'd probably make sure she did find out why.

V wise.

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