Amicably divorced for ages and now find out....

[PaganQueen]

That exH had an affair about 5 years into our 15-year marriage (don't know how long it went on for) and that he was seeing his now partner before we even talked about splitting up. Maybe others too but not certain of them.

Our marriage broke down and we separated and divorced amicably in 2016. For the last 6 years we have been on great terms which has been brilliant for our 3 dc. I still held him in high regard because he's the kid's dad and I also got on well with his new partner.

I don't know what to do with this new knowledge.

I now feel like our marriage was just an absolute lie for the most part, but also the last 6 years has been based on lies too. He and his girlfriend must have been feeling so smug that I didn't make life difficult for them because they did such a good job in keeping it quiet, and he must be absolutely over the moon with himself that he kept the earlier affair/s secret enough to not ever have to take responsibility. The narrative of my life for the last 17 years has all of a sudden changed and I am SO angry that he has made a mockery of me for so long. 17 years. All that time wasted.

And I don't know what to do with my anger :(

I wouldn’t say anything - he is such a lowlife by his behaviour that I can’t see him being genuinely regretful . He will balance anything you say with his fanciful version of how things were. But you’ve escaped from him - the DCs can know the truth at some point in the distant future. Just concentrate on yourself and making the best life you can. Start to separate right away from them (as much as shared DCs allow) they’re of no interest now.

@constantsky

Thing is when you thought he was a good guy you dumped him. So what right do you have to be mad now?

It seems you wanted to keep a positive view of him, keep the power of having broken up with him on your terms (not his) and kept things amicable in that regard.

My way with this would be to channel the anger into amused contempt. People find contempt and being despised much more unsettling than anger.

I would say dismissively in passing “but you’re a manipulative lying cheat, so what does your opinion actually count for?”

Great advice AlienatedChildGrown 👏

OP I am truly sorry you experienced such rubbish behaviour from your ex 🌷. Just awful.

Thing is probably guys like this that have been left by their wives are just thinking “well I guess I was right to cheat all that time seeing as she was going to leave me anyway”, so why would they have remorse over it?

From their point of view, what if they had of been faithful and she had still of wanted the “amicable” split?

@AcrossthePond55

You'd have to sew my lips shut with baling wire!!

Me too. I know many MN are confrontation averse but I’m not and letting a twat know you think they’re a twat has much to recommend it.

Similar happened to me. We'd been living overseas but not really getting on for a while, moved back to the UK, and within the year our marriage had broken down and we had separated. After he moved out I was trying to sort out things like our joint iTunes/iCloud account, only to discover photo and messages that must have automatically downloaded from his WhatsApp.

He'd been seeing someone from his work when we lived overseas. Ironically she'd gone through a messy divorce and I thought my husband was being kind to her by staying back after work and talking things through...I even used to joke that she was his work wife! Little did I know!

I felt utterly humiliated, betrayed and like my whole marriage had been a lie. However my counsellor made me see that it was entirely on him, it wasn't my baggage to carry, and I was able to see him for what he was - a lying, cheating, scumbag of a man who betrayed his wife and children in the most awful way.

He actually doesn't know that I know. I decided that there was no point. She is still overseas, and I have moved on with a new partner who is a million times the man my exH is or ever will be. For me at least, just letting it go has helped me deal with the feelings I had when I found out. I can't change what has happened, but I can take the power back and decide how I move on.

I was listening to a podcast last week, and the guy being interviewed said that there is no point looking back at the past because you just can't change it. If you were to drive a car constantly looking into the rear view mirror like that, you'd constantly be crashing into shit! And I think that metaphor sums up exactly how I feel.

@ZaSar I didn't want to split up because I believed in my marriage vows (unlike him) but I wasn't really left much choice in the end.

This one is a dish best served cold, OP. You don't need to make him a present of your anger and disgust. Deal with this one off-stage, process it, work through your feelings in your own way. He's worthy of no emotional reaction from you.

When you're in a place of calm, detachment and coldness, you can then revisit the situation and decide what, if anything, to do with the information.

I don't wonder you're angry. What a hateful, deceitful, worthless person he is, and as for lying by omission about the vasectomy? Regardless of whether OW has reaped exactly what she's sown, that is a despicable thing to do to somebody.

I'd maintain a fake smile, curt conversation and pleasantries in front of the kids and at eg parents evening but I would absolutely let him know that I know and telling him what a monumental twunt he is.

I also wouldn't bend over to do him any favours/help moving forward.

What a gigantic tosser he is!

I'm glad you're disengaging but I hope that means you're not friendly to him, he doesn't deserve it.

Do you still need to discuss the kids with him or can you just ignore the twat from now on?

Well said @category12

I would tell him you know. Or become quite cold with him. He wasn't and isn't your friend.

And when he and his new partner split which seems likely do not react at all.

I agree with this approach. I'd casually let drop that I knew all along but it didn't much matter to you because you knew you could do better without him and had lost all respect for him.

And then your update OP! He hasn't told his current girlfriend that he had a vasectomy - my god he is awful.

There is a chance that his partner didn’t know that she was the OW. So many threads appear on here from women who were unwittingly with married/partnered men who lied to them. I know you don’t plan fireworks and revenge OP, but be mindful that she may be blameless so maybe your decent relationship with her needn’t change.

I don’t think I’d say anything but I’d stew on it. However I think it would fundamentally change how willing I ever was to ever to do him any sort of favour again. He would likely eventually realise things went cold but probably never be able to put his finger on it clearly.

Dont do nice stuff for people who treat you badly!

OP your well shot. Your not a victim, he was a liar and a cheat - you have done amazing for your kids co parenting well. Be smug your not stuck with him

So sorry you are going through this OP. It must be shattering after all this time.
However....Why on earth should you push it down, keep quiet, be the bigger person. Your feelings are real, so he should know how you feel. I absolutely could not keep this to myself It will eat you up inside, and will eventually burst out.
I can see the other side too of course and you want to protect your children, but you are important too.
Besides, how will you keep up the pretence when you see him.
I think it would be healthier getting it out in the open. Then you can move on

I can empathise as my ex has quite brazenly mentioned several affairs/one night stands he had during our time together. None of which he mentioned at the time. He was bemused as to why this would piss me off, as "it doesn't matter now, does it?" Just didn't get it at all (wonder if he'd feel the same if it were the other way round though?).

It certainly confirmed that I'd made the right decision in leaving him, I suppose. But yes, it does make you question everything and feel like your life was a lie.

I genuinely don't care any more. But I don't have any illusions about him now. Still being with him would be so much worse.

Whatever you do OP, don't do what I did, and call him while he's driving, to tell him that you know.

I've never heard tyre squeals so loud in all my life...

This is absolutely awful and it's all been said probably but you are not the fool, he is. Karma is a bitch and this will all come get him. Of course everything you are feeling is totally valid but please try not to beat yourself up for being made a fool..that's on him, not you

I think I wouldn’t want to say anything but couldn’t help myself. I would go counselling maybe and get the anger out there! Or throw a few things round the garden! I would definitely pick my moment though of when to mention it. Also I separated recently from someone who lied to me in a different way. It makes you question yourself and isn’t nice. Maybe they deserve each other and you are better off!

@Roomba

But that’s the thing, you left him so why do you care?
He probably feels that you leaving the marriage and going against (I assume) you marriage vows and promises means his married life was a lie and makes him question everything.
Obviously you didn’t want the marriage to continue or value it - should that also not make him feel it had always been a sham because the marriage he had with you was likely predicated on you loving him and valuing the marriage forever?

Now he knows you didn’t do that, you too were not the person he thought you were.

They gaslight, it's what they do when they have checked out and try to get out with as little emotion as possible involved. I was in a slightly different position, in that while he SAID there was no one else - I simply didn't believe it and did a bit of snooping. I managed an amicable split by holding my tongue and not telling the DC or his family what I knew. It came out, slowly but surely. They ALL thought less of him and her for it, not me

The advice to detach is good advice IMO. Are you happy now? are your DC happy? Like you I was, in the end, relieved to be out of it. We eventually coparented well (he was a knob in the first flush of his new life) and we all have no problems being together at family events.

You are aiming for a good life for you and the DC, for not putting them in the difficult position of having to choose which parent to invite to events. I have family whose divorce STILL causes problems for their adult DC over 30yrs later. I never wanted that for mine.

He is her problem now. Doesn't that feel good? When my ex is being lovely and supportive, which he can be, I simply enjoy that while relishing the fact I don't have to put up with his fuckwittery ever again.

This. I would sit on it and then drop it in later down the line.

That I knew and was glad to just end the marriage, especially as the physical attraction has gone for you and the thought of going through the motions any longer was horrific