Amicably divorced for ages and now find out....

[PaganQueen]

That exH had an affair about 5 years into our 15-year marriage (don't know how long it went on for) and that he was seeing his now partner before we even talked about splitting up. Maybe others too but not certain of them.

Our marriage broke down and we separated and divorced amicably in 2016. For the last 6 years we have been on great terms which has been brilliant for our 3 dc. I still held him in high regard because he's the kid's dad and I also got on well with his new partner.

I don't know what to do with this new knowledge.

I now feel like our marriage was just an absolute lie for the most part, but also the last 6 years has been based on lies too. He and his girlfriend must have been feeling so smug that I didn't make life difficult for them because they did such a good job in keeping it quiet, and he must be absolutely over the moon with himself that he kept the earlier affair/s secret enough to not ever have to take responsibility. The narrative of my life for the last 17 years has all of a sudden changed and I am SO angry that he has made a mockery of me for so long. 17 years. All that time wasted.

And I don't know what to do with my anger :(

Oh I wouldn't be able to resist mentioning my new friend who used to work at that pub. See if they react.

The OW is an idiot if she's surprised that he lies to her.

Gutting as this is - and in your position I would be devestated - I think dealing with your anger apart from him and without discussing is probably best. There is no benefit to thrashing it out now and you might damage your co-parenting.

It would be a cold day in hell before I did him a favour thought....

If your kids remember the vasectomy how the hell is that working to keep it secret from OW? Surely that's taking a bit of a risk! Would be a shame if something prompted them to talk about it at his house wouldn't it??!!??

@PaganQueen
all the best op,

Can I ask gently, do you or did you still have feelings for him?

i doubt they are sitting thinking of you like this and feeling smug or gloating. I don’t mean that harshly but the reality is they have Likely all moved on. I’d try to do the same.

No, but this is new information to the OP - it has never been new information to them. Of course OP's going to need some time to process that she was lied to for years. She doesn't need to have feelings for him to feel angry/hurt.

@Thefriendlyone no feelings still, I am grateful not to be married to him any more but he was emotionally and financially abusive and I’m only now starting to unpick some of that damage. It will give me and my therapist something to talk about at our next appointment at least!

I'm so sorry for you OP. My advice is to not let on that you know. Take some time out, whatever it takes to dissipate your anger. It is a better position to know about this & rise above it, than to let on & watch him snigger at your hurt.

@PaganQueen Well, isn't that interesting?
Now you know more than the both of them.
I would sit on that for a while and think how to get the most value out of that information, hmm hmm. Nothing terrible, just a little fun to alleviate things.
Definitely do not give this away for nothing out of shock.

And he is the fool, OP, not you.

So awful. But you are a good person and have done the right think for your kids by keeping things amicable.

And now the tables are turned; you know all about his true character, and he has no clue that you know. I would keep it to yourself indefinitely knowing that you can reveal at any moment "Oh, I found out years ago."

Ha @Jippers great minds...

I agree with storing this. A perfect time will present itself. You know now - and it's shit - but you can heal and move forward with all the facts from this moment on. You can re-write who he is and what is capable of and hold your head high. I would take the cool and breezy road from this point forth, and throw in a measure of vague disinterest in his life or anything he has to say.

And then one day - when the time is right. He or She or They will say something irritating/untruthful/annoying and you can calmly reply "Oh come now - you didn't really think I'd bought into your whole 'we've just met' deception did you? Of course I knew. I've always known but since he also cheated five years into our marriage - I couldn't be bothered to get worked up about it again. Once a cheat always a cheat."

And just as this is sinking in, you can also add to her "so please do remember that you were the OW once - and you weren't the first. It's entirely likely that you will find yourself in my shoes one day. So I'd think very carefully about committing your life to a man who can never give you children and will probably cheat one day.... what? You didn't know about the OW....? Or the Vasectomy...? Oh dear. I'd better go - you two obviously have lots to talk about. Cheerio!"

And you can fantasise about this moment from now until it happens to keep yourself sane :)

be dignified and slowly remove yourself from him wherever possible. If he asks, just say he’s not the person you thought he was and isn’t someone you wish to engage with, don’t be drawn into why, he doesn’t deserve to offer you excuses. Never ever be the fish wife and always hold the upper hand. Something I do is to be overly nice to someone I’d like to tear a strip off, so lots of cheery Hellos whilst thinking swear words. Have found it unsettles some and they then steer clear which is perfect.

had something very similar with exH, the laughable thing was when his wife (the one he had the affair with) rang me to let me know he was cheating on her, one of the few occasions I did have the last laugh and had great delight in telling her that I did know exactly how she felt. Stupid woman thought I’d offer her sympathy.

💐💐💐💐

I have always been so bloody REASONABLE about our split, even though he behaved very badly (even without the knowledge of the infidelities). I am not a calculating sort of person so it’s very unlikely I will try and cause any mischief for them with this knew information even if they do deserve it. He however is calculating and manipulative and quite Machiavellian in his ways, although on the outside is a terribly nice chap.

I do agree that the best revenge is a life well lived but it comes hot on the heels of other areas of my life sort of falling apart and so it’s just another thing to add to the bloody list of things I’m feeling shit about. I will try and excise my anger through healthy means!

It must be tough re-aligning what you know to be true of him, while having continued to have "high regard" for him for so long.

I think actually it's good you've realised this. I think it will help you to reframe what happened in the relationship and who he actually is. It was more of the emotional abuse and gaslighting you suffered in the relationship.

And while I can't imagine you will have much sympathy for his partner, the fact he's hiding his vasectomy from her is actually disgusting and vile. It's cheating her of options.

He's not worthy of high regard. He might be a decent dad to your children now and a better ex than he ever was a husband, but he's got the ethics of a slug.

And that's an insult to slugs and I apologise to them.

So you really need to give a bit more context. Did he want the split and ask you to be amicable about it and he’s been wanting to be with this other woman the whole time?
Or did you want the split and it just so happens he had been having an affair you were unaware of?

Because if it’s the first he’s a real arsehole but if it’s the second then why are you mad? You didn’t want him anyway.

Nothing calculating or manipulative in not saying anything @PaganQueen You don't owe him anything, let alone to know you are upset.
Some people confuse honesty and loyalty with for an invitation to be abusive.

I am so sorry this comes at a really bad time for you. Even more reasons to put it out of your mind and deal with it later.
All the best OP, you at least, have acted with the best intentions, you have your dignity, no one can take that away from you.

Aw, OP. I have been through similar.
You hold the power now (knowledge)
They may feel smug but will certainly never trust each other entirely.
Again mine went off with a younger (much) woman and.....it didn't last. 😉

Honestly I give the pair of them a massive mouthful what a cowardly deceitful pair of shits.

This.

He's a cheat and a liar. What a prize she won for herself. You're free from him, living a better life because of it.

Honestly, have a wallow in it and then move on. Life's too short and precious to be consumed with anger about something you can't change

I can only imagine the shock this has caused and the ripple effect on your memories, but if you can try to reframe it in your mind. You're well beyond his lies now. You're out of his power. Nothing he can do can hurt you. He can continue spinning in his silly web of lies and you can look at him as the pathetic little liar that he really is and be glad to be rid of him. And even before you knew how crap a person he was, you were still more than strong enough to get past losing the marriage. Not even the fake him was indispensible, and the real him even less so.

As for her, well, if someone will cheat with you then they'll cheat on you. She'll find that out soon enough. Especially since it happened more than once, so she can't even tell herself that theirs was such a special love that it just had to happen. She's saddled with an older, sterile, cheating liar. She's made the rod for her own back.

That's super shit. I personally wouldn't give him the satisfaction of reacting to the news and letting him know you know.

I tell him what would probably drive him more crazy... if he's anything like my ex... is to slowly disengage and stop holding him in high regard, and just don't bother so much with trying to keep things friendly and amicable between you. Just don't make any effort - he will wonder why and he is narcissistic, he'll drive himself mad wondering why you don't like him anymore and what he's done wrong.

My ex also "forgot" to tell me he was seeing someone else before we amicably split. So I totally know how it feels. My ex has a pathological need to be liked by everyone though, which probably drives a lot of his lies. He tries to keep in touch and stay friendly to make himself feel better - I've just totally stopped engaging and I know it drives him mad! And... it has the added benefit of just not being on my mind, as I'm actively choosing to ignore. Which is much better for me, personally, rather than winding myself up by talking to him.

You have come out of this with grace and dignity. He's a liar and a cheat and now he's robbing this woman of her fertile years while deceiving her. I actually think that deceit towards her is the most vile thing he has done. He's probably cheating on her even now!

She has him - what a prize!! - you have your lovely children and you are well rid of him.

As they say, "revenge is a dish best served cold". Sit on this information, process it and then decide what to do with it. Lord knows if his current relationship will last either; he doesn't have a good track record!

You will get your opportunity to inform his that you knew about his affairs but you just wanted rid of him, and to let his current partner know about the vasectomy (I'd be a little bit careful about that one, just in case she does know! Just drop it in very casually!)

Better that you didn't discover this at the time. He's just a POS, and he's no longer your POS! x

OP - I get where yu are coming from. The time you thought you did have a good marriage - whatever that means and things were ok was a lie.
It does make you question everything about your life and how much of what you said and did at the time was probably being laughed add, dissected and you being discussed as a mug, idiot etc.
It bloody hurts - I would leave it for the moment as co parenting your DCS is important. However, once they are adults I would have the conversation with him.
I have written two letters one to my EX and one to the bitch ex SM. They get them when I die. I do not see why they should not be made aware of how much harm, hurt and damage they caused not just to me but the DCS. I felt for a long time my whole adult life had been a lie.
Have now moved on and so have they ( did not last) but the hurt and pain is something the person who was not party to the infidelity never ever forgets - it makes you question your judgement, personality, trust etc

A very grown up way of dealing with this discovery, when most would feel like kicking exDH's head in upon hearing this post divorce. So sorry a totally a shit thing to find out @PaganQueen

Personally I couldn't be the better person especially after you have bent over backwards to be amicable. I'd be tempted to let him know you know but add in that whilst this has come to light, it's at least stopped you feeling so bad about the affairs you had whilst married to him that he didn't know about. I'd also suggest he keeps on his toes regarding his new partner as she could stray without him noticing being so much younger and biological clock kicking in. I'd also be dropping into convo with his new partner about the vasectomy.

Honestly, you are well rid of that one!