Amicably divorced for ages and now find out....

[PaganQueen]

That exH had an affair about 5 years into our 15-year marriage (don't know how long it went on for) and that he was seeing his now partner before we even talked about splitting up. Maybe others too but not certain of them.

Our marriage broke down and we separated and divorced amicably in 2016. For the last 6 years we have been on great terms which has been brilliant for our 3 dc. I still held him in high regard because he's the kid's dad and I also got on well with his new partner.

I don't know what to do with this new knowledge.

I now feel like our marriage was just an absolute lie for the most part, but also the last 6 years has been based on lies too. He and his girlfriend must have been feeling so smug that I didn't make life difficult for them because they did such a good job in keeping it quiet, and he must be absolutely over the moon with himself that he kept the earlier affair/s secret enough to not ever have to take responsibility. The narrative of my life for the last 17 years has all of a sudden changed and I am SO angry that he has made a mockery of me for so long. 17 years. All that time wasted.

And I don't know what to do with my anger :(

That’s quite wicked on his part, if he’d like children…

*she

Horrible situation when you realise people have colluded to fool you because you're a reasonable, decent person.

My instinct would be a full-on rant at him, letting it all spill out.

However, I think previous advice is good. Process it over some time. Nothing needs to be done tonight.

I would definitely not ever tell her about the vasectomy, though. Either she knows and will consider you to be poisonous for telling her, or she doesn't know and telling her is not your responsibility. Let her discover in her own time, if ever.

I'd probably, longer-term, have an entire list of wee nuggets to drop into casual conversation to let him know you know without actually telling him. The pp who suggested mentioning the friend who worked where they canoodled, I'd add to that by saying you and she are going there to allow her to reminisce ....

In the meantime, a handy hint for removing anger, is battering absolute fuck out of your mattress with a tennis racquet (or similar).

@PaganQueen i would normally be horrified to hear of such deceit BUT if she’s the sort of woman who partners in crime with a dubious cheating scummer, well, she’s almost had this coming. Sounds like you had a very lucky escape from this turd.

OP, do you actually have any feelings about him now? I discovered something similar about my ex husband (all round similar story to yours, including him being abusive, divorced for a similar length of time, now on good terms for the DC's benefit etc). I didn't give it a minute's thought beyond "really?" But I have no feelings for him - all my positive dealings with him are entirely for the children's benefit. Our marriage was bad enough for there to be no choice but for me to end it (and I believe in marriage, vows etc) so anything on top of that just really shows why we were right to end it. I'm not sure why you're so bothered, really. He was a poor husband and now he's someone else's problem, not yours.

I don't have any involvement with my ex husband's private life, because it isn't of any interest to me so long as it doesn't negatively affect the children.

This is a good post. I'd say nothing for a while, but come Christmas party season, pretend to be a little drunk and greet her fondly. Pretend to be at the "getting sad" stage and say how much I like her and how sorry I was that she won't be able to have kids with him as she'd make a great mum. Also how sorry you are that she is with such a lying cheat and add that it was one fling after another and that I was just so grateful to be rid of him in the end (as if she's done you some kind of favour).

If there was any comeback, I'd just apologise profusely for being too tipsy to control myself and not entirely remember what I'd said. That or I'd just let him see me with the friend who told me so he'd have no doubt that I probably knew.

I can see why she’s bothered. The marriage didn’t work but she had what she thought was an amicable divorce with on ok man. Now it turns out he’s a lousy cheat, possibly multiple times. The whole 15 year relationship seems like it was based on a lie and she feels like a mug.

That was to @NoKandoo

I know you're angry and upset, but the bright side is you got rid of him and his shitty ways, so well done.

I would keep it to myself until a real opportune moment arises when you can tell them you knew all along but your kids came first, so you held it all in. The smile a fabulous smile and depart. Hopefully this apt moment arrives just as your youngest no longer needs financial support ;)

Inthe interim if you've been bending over backwards for them, stop it. Find a reason why you can't do A,B, or C and stick with it. Go find yourself a decent partner - you could ask them to babysit whilst you go out etc..

Bless you, awful to find out he's been hiding this from you, but in this case knowledge is power....

I'm so sorry,that would have made me distressed too. I think in time that will go away.Be the better person ( which you are) so the children can keep a good relationship with him, and all the best for a good future!

17 years. All that time wasted

You have 3 DC. Yes, the romantic side of your relationship was undermined by his deceit, but the children are forever. Enjoy them.

You can bet your life he’s screwing around and his partner doesn’t know . Take comfort in that. Dust yourself down and carry on with your life. You sound like an amazing strong woman !

I doubt your ex and his partner are smug, they probably didn't want you to know to save your feelings.

I very much doubt that. Given that they were breaking up OP’s marriage for their own benefit, what evidence have you that her feelings mattered to them?

OP, I feel for you. He is indeed the same person: unfaithful and selfish. But as you now know, he and OW are even more dishonest than you knew at the time.

I don’t blame you for your anger. They were lying to your children as well, and the children are entitled to know this — up to you whether you want to clear the sir or protect them from the truth at present.

Bottling up justified anger can make you ill. I hope you can find a way of dealing with it that gives you some relief.

I can see this too - though as I said, my situation is almost identical to the OP's, and I don't feel like a mug or as if the marriage was based on a lie. Finding out what I found out was just yet another thing which made me glad that we were no longer married. If the OP's husband emotionally and financially abused her, he's not an ok man and anything on top of that is - to my mind - very much 'whatever'. I actually felt a bit sorry for the woman concerned, especially as she has ended up stuck with him whereas I escaped. But I had stopped having any feelings for him long before we divorced.

I truly have no feelings now for my exh, its been over 20 years since we divorced, but still I think for a little while at least after the divorce if I had found out something like this I would have been upset. Not so upset as to tell him I knew, certainly not upset enough to involve his latest wife (he is apparently on wife 8 now) but enough that I would have cried at the time and mourned my marriage again.
I happen to know another woman who found out a similar thing about her ex and she did not care.
It means we are all different and react differently to different stressors. I completely understand why OP is upset, and would understand a different poster would have a alternative reaction. No one is right or wrong, you feel how you feel in that moment. It's still valid.

Like others I would really struggle not to let on that I knew, without saying when I found out.

Let him feel a fool for thinking that you liked and respected him for the last 6 years, when you actually (as far as he knows) held him in contempt - so much so that you didn't bother getting angry.

@Moonatics That's really well said, actually. I didn't shed a single tear over the end of my marriage (was relieved not to be scared any more, and for the DC to be able to be children), but you're absolutely right.

Not sure whether to be amused or shocked by Wife 8, though!

The vasectomy thing is despicable because she's likely taking hormonal contraceptives that she doesn't need to take. Let's face it, he's not going to be wearing condoms, is he?

Ah OP. Don't be so sure that he and the new woman were laughing at your expense. You're a woman. I am too. And trust me! Even if for a moment they had a little moment of joy, thinking they're fooling you... it won't have lasted long. No one is as happy as they seem, and you truly can't break a home to make a home! So be at peace knowing 1000000% the winds will change course at some point and karma will come knocking on their door.

As for contact with him, maybe it's time for you to truly let him go and move on, and let him continue to be a father to your kids who in their own time, will learn of how much of a farce this man is.

I would bide my time but at some point, most uncomfortable for him in the future I'd let her know about the vasectomy and make out that you knew about them all along but played nice for the sake of the kids.

But i would really choose my moment.

Disengage is the right approach. But I would also in a mature, calm, bemused at both my younger selfs naïveté and that people can be such shits, tell everyone I knew so they all know what he’s like. And tell them about the vasectomy, sunlight sunlight! Bonus if it gets back to her and it’s not from you 😊😊 that’s not being vindictive that’s just karma!

He really really likes wedding cake!
I was wife no 2 and I last heard quite a long time ago he was getting married for the 8th time. Since then I've lost contact with anyone who might know anything. So by now hes probably trying to find wife 1 again to remarry.
Shit, I might be next.

I’d also store it up

strike when the iron is cold

is also let slip about vasectomy too

and get that anger out
vent and rage
it’s righteous anger xx really

but save him (and her ) for a while longer

ZaSar, why not stop trying to gaslight OP with your endless silly comments that ignore what she actually said?

up to you whether you want to clear the sir
clear the air