Separated husband with own place wants access to mine/me

[NoraButty]

Me and husband separated three months ago when I found he’d been using sex workers.

He went to stay with family but has now rented property nearby.

Since he has left I have never refused him access to the house to collect his belongings as long as I have someone there with me for support.

He collected the last of his belongings and has pretty much stripped the house bare.

The house is a marital asset and I accept he will have a share, which I am okay with. But for full disclosure it is fully in my name and purchased outright (no mortgage) by me prior to marriage.

He is saying that he is on with his solicitor to gain full access to my house and intends to come round three or four nights a week.

Is there a chance he would get this access? Bearing in mind he had his own place to live, we are getting divorced and there is nothing in the house bar my minimal belongings.

🤪🤪🤪” It’s all your fault, you’ve ruined the marriage…and I’ll be coming round 3-4 nights a week for cups of tea and bulldozing you back into the marriage”. He’s an absolute 🍑. Well worth getting some doorbell cameras and having a chat with your solicitor.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I think it is fair because it happens so often on here that a post written by a woman separating whose partner owned the house prior to the split up is told she deserves it and can claim it, yet on a post where the (female) writer says they owned the house posters are very quick to say he has no claim on it and deserves nothing.

It happens so regularly that you if you haven’t noticed it you (no offence here) must be blinded by the same bias.

For the record I think she does deserve to keep her house as does anyone regardless of gender who owns their house prior to a marriage (and especially one of under a decade). Especially if they are the one who has been wronged and splits as a result or if their partner is the one who ends things simply because they fall out of love or get sick of them.

This is the reality of his situation kicking in, and he is having a big tantrum toddler style by ‘throwing his weight around’. If you think about it, he was in a very dominant, powerful position until 3 months ago, he had respect, he had your love, he could tell sex workers exactly what to do… now it’s gone. He is emasculated.

There is NOTHING he can do. You change your locks and seek out domestic abuse support if needed as they are very well versed in what men will try to do after it ends, which is the most risky and volatile time. Having a solicitor to back you up is vital.

The most important thing you need to do, and you need to do it NOW is to find a really good solicitor who is experienced in family law, and take their advice. They will be able to tell you whether he will be entitled to a bit of the house etc.

As far ad the dogs go, £500 a month is a lot… and they are in his name. Might be a bargaining chip there. Again, the solicitor can advise.

Keep any txts and don’t answer any calls from him. Let him WhatsApp or txt or email, then you have proof.

Dont promise him anything, and once you’ve seen a solicitor, any threats or demands just refer to solicitor.

Honestly.
go and see your solicitor. It’s what they trained for. It’s the most empowering thing you can do.
mine suddenly changed his tune the minute he knew I had spoken to one. He went from EXACTLY the same bollocks yours is talking to actually being somewhat vaguely (only vaguely) reasonable. He knew he couldn’t bullshit me.

deep breath make that call. Get the house and dogs nailed down then he can fuck off.

Does anyone have a key other than you? If they do and there’s any chance they might lend it to him I would change your locks

@ZaSar There’s really nothing helpful she can learn on here and she has no way to know how accurate any advice given here will be (legally)

what are you doing here then? Maybe you'd be happier on some MRA Reddit thread if there's "really nothing helpful to learn on here."

In case you don't realise, women in all kinds of situations get a lot of support on these boards, different perspectives, strength and courage. It's a real shame for the menz like OP's ex but great for us.

Maybe it's not the right place for you, though.

@NoraButty Are you named on the dog's insurance policies? I had this problem, I was paying for a policy, I could manage it online but it wasn't in my name, the dogs were also registered in his name at the kennel club. I'm not sure how I ended up in that position.

I eventually got my exH to transfer the policy to me, but I would advise that if this is the case for you, and you're keeping the dogs the kennel club registration (if they have it) and insurance is transferred onto your name before the consent order is finalised.

Also, once that's done add someone else to the insurance policy in case you are ever unable to deal with a claim in an emergency, also in the event of anything happening to you they can continue the policy, my daughter and DP are both on my pets policies.

Yes, that's what I was thinking. I don't know anything about the subject, but his request to sleep in the house half the nights of the week sounds suspiciously like he intends to claim that he lives there. I don't know whether the legal situation might be different if he did live there.

If it was really about missing the dogs, wouldn't he be asking whether he could collect them at 8pm every evening to take them for a walk?

@Saracen If it was about the dogs he'd be finding a living situation where he could have the dogs, not easy but possible. This is about control, about making @NoraButty uncomfortable and feel unsafe in her home, and probably a way he thinks he'll get more from the divorce.

It's an easy no, the OP doesn't want him in the house so that's that. He can arrange for someone the OP trusts to collect the dogs if he wants to see them.

@MrsMontyD Both dogs are in his name although one was a gift to me for my birthday.

The insurance is in my name, which I pay.

The £500 covers dog walking, Insurance, food and vets for a month. He’s recently started transferring £100 to my account a month which after reading replies here I now suspect is staking his claim

@Spinninggyro Thank you - No-one else has a key.

Thank you to everyone, I know there are some differing experiences and opinions but to me that just reassures me that feeling confused and overwhelmed is normal under the circumstances.

This new no fault divorce means that legally no-one cares who’s done what or why, you are certainly helping me keep resolute in the knowledge of the unfairness in this, even if I can’t do much about it.

To clarify though, I don’t want him calling to take the dogs for a walk. I have constantly asked for breathing space which he hasn’t given me. Every time he has spoke to me, whether in person, phone or message he has not been satisfied until he has had me in tears. I have blocked two of his phone numbers, WhatsApp and messenger. This past month he was only able to contact me through email but now that he has collected the last of his things and is in rented accommodation, no longer living with family, I have deleted that email address. I did all I could to protect myself from his bullying so I can’t go back to seeing him face to face. I need to recover now.

It's a marital asset and as such, he has a right to access until the divorce is finalised, regardless that he contributed nothing to it & his name is not on the deeds. I was in his place so I know. I kept the house too but that's another story.

Op - he is clearly a bully and you're right, being confused and conflicted is normal.

When you talk to your solicitor, I suspect there will be two separate things to consider and that you will need to keep them separate in your mind because the legalities/expectations/impact/reasoning will be different for each one:

1. While you are separated (and what legal steps may need to be taken to make that a legal thing rather than an informal thing) what access can he and can't he have to your house/your pets etc. What rights do you have to refuse him access and/or to engage with him at all and so on.
2. When you divorce, what will the final financial settlement be ito whatever claim he may have on the house based on the specifics of how you have managed finances, over what period etc. No one here can answer that question because there will be too many variables linked to your specific circumstances.

Call that solicitor asap and start to feel more confident then about whatever you decide.

I stopped all contact with my exH during our divorce because he was so aggressive, even now on the rare occasion I have to speak to him he's the same. Make all contact through your solicitors, your solicitor will advise you what's appropriate, fair and likely to be approved by a judge in terms of the split of assets in your particular circumstances, I would urge you to take control and offer a settlement first, get on the front foot. The reasons for the divorce has never had any bearing on the financial settlement only the wording of the petition. It may make a difference where children are concerned but not finances.

A clean break needs to include the dogs and may mean handing them over, otherwise you've got years of contact ahead of you.

His solicitor will advise him against taking legal action to get access to the house and the dogs and a judge isn't going to be interested either, speak to your solicitor.

Call the police and say he is harassing you. He will be warned not to go near your house x

It depends . . . has she been sh*gging prostitutes?

Tbh if it was just about seeing the dogs he'd be asking to come and collect them for walks if he couldn't take them to his own place - not demanding the right to encroach on OPs personal space 4 nights a week.

Of course he would - he'd also be contributing to their food and dog-walking costs to maintain his rights as their legal owner.

Both dogs are in his name although one was a gift to me for my birthday.

The that one at least is yours - a gift is a gift.

You need a lawyer to determine what claim is likely in regards to the house.

Yes it's a short marriage, but the 15 years together before that complicate things. No kids involved works well in your favour. There are cases I have heard of (to be clear I'm not a lawyer), especially when kids are involved, the length of time cohabiting before marriage are taken into account in addition to the length of the marriage. So if she bought the house after they lived together for 5 years, even if they didn't marry for a further 10, it could be considered an asset of the relationship.

In a divorce the judge will consider the needs of both parties. If he has a better paying job, higher pension, and the ability to house himself without your house I would think the judge would decide no claim. If you have the house, pension, high paying job and he had been largely unemployed the judge may decide he needed some money from you to make it a fair split because he can't house himself without it. Doesn't necessarily mean money from the house, you could give him money from savings etc instead.

I don't understand why anyone would turn to a Social Media forum for 'legal' advice when you actually already have a solicitor to deal with all of this?

You say you want to 'protect yourself from his bullying' - but it seems you are not actually prepared to do what is necessary in order to accomplish this, other than ask him to leave you alone and to cry a bit.

ALL communication needs to be through your solicitor if you have come to the point where you have a major disagreement like this.

My understanding is now HE has another tenancy he is not entitled to pop in. He has another home now.
He’s using it to bully and intimate you.
Do you want to sell the house?
Hes not entitled to half is he? You need a good solicitor.
Call the police if he’s harassing you.
Have you got it in writing re the dogs - these types of men use any excuse to get there feet back under the table.
I hope you have real life support too.
Great you posted for support. 🌺

Solicitors charge for every conversation, email, letter etc. If all communication was through solicitors OP would probably need to sell her house to pay them. Not everyone has the money to protect themselves that way.

Tell him to go and sh*g a scruff and bugger off. The sheer audacity.

Seriously though, I'd point out to him (in writing) that you are uncomfortable with this and now he has somewhere else he should accept it's your home and anything beyond this is to be discussed in the divorce.
Point out if he attends without notice, breaks entry or makes you feel intimidated that you will be calling the police and logging the incident. Point out it is not up for discussion and you will not be bullied into doing something that makes you feel intimidated or uncomfortable and you hope this is enough to respect your stance given what has gone on.

You need a good lawyer! Ask them if your ex will have any claim on the house. If you bought it before you got married and it's in your name, hopefully he won't have much of a claim on it. But you need to find out!

And yes, he's bullshitting you about having access to your home. Tell him to fuck off!