Separated husband with own place wants access to mine/me

[NoraButty]

Me and husband separated three months ago when I found he’d been using sex workers.

He went to stay with family but has now rented property nearby.

Since he has left I have never refused him access to the house to collect his belongings as long as I have someone there with me for support.

He collected the last of his belongings and has pretty much stripped the house bare.

The house is a marital asset and I accept he will have a share, which I am okay with. But for full disclosure it is fully in my name and purchased outright (no mortgage) by me prior to marriage.

He is saying that he is on with his solicitor to gain full access to my house and intends to come round three or four nights a week.

Is there a chance he would get this access? Bearing in mind he had his own place to live, we are getting divorced and there is nothing in the house bar my minimal belongings.

My advice, from experience, is to take a firm line on this, don't worry about the legalities too much, the worst that can happen is that you'll end up in front of a judge in a divorce court so as long as you're being reasonable you'll be fine.

The answer is no, you will not be allowing his access to your home or your dogs. End of conversation.

I had this with my exH, they think coming to see pets as a way of keeping their foot in the door, communication open and some control. I took a firm stance on various issues, pick your battles but once you've decided that's it.

Perhaps a discussion with your solicitor then a comedy letter that can be on the record when he seeks support -
Thank you for removing the last of your property from my house. For the avoidance of doubt , you are no longer welcome to be a guest in my home.
I have sterilised the bathrooms to reduce the chance of contact infection by STIs from you from the sex workers you paid. I cannot control my direct exposure and risk when you concealed your use of sex workers from me for the approximately (100 times?) it seems you paid a trafficked and coerced woman to have sex with you.
I applaud your family's open-mindedness in taking you in. Perhaps they'll allow you to use their homes for your sex workers visits in future though if you have your own accommodation then that won't be a constraint to you living what you may consider your best life.
My solicitor uncontrollably laughed when I told her you consider the break up to be my fault from finding out about your unlawful use of sex workers. She also uncontrollable laughed when you said you propose free access 4 times a week into my home. She looks forward to receiving that instruction from your solicitor together with whatever justification you pay them to put in writing.

Very good point.

This isn't necessarily because you are in danger @NoraButty , but any one of us can have a serious accident or illness at any time. If you haven't already, please sort this out so that if (God forbid) you got hit by lightening, he couldn't swan in and claim the lot!

See a solicitor. So much bullshit in this thread.

I had a house I bought before I was married. In my name only. Could prove I was the only one paying mortgage. Because we lived together in that house while we were married it was therefore the marital home and he was entitled to his share of it.

it doesn’t matter why you divorce, all financial stuff needs to be sorted. In Scotland that starts at 50/50 and might go to 60/40 at a push.

I could change the locks if I had ‘lost the keys’. But couldn’t prevent him accessing the home before it was resolved. I could however get a restriction on it if I was being threatened when he accessed the home. I changed the locks, he broke in through a window (legal, since he’s allowed access) but his threatening behaviour meant his access was legally restricted and he had to be accompanied after that.

source - my own divorce.

(This was in Scotland so different to England)

@NoraButty Firstly, please do not apply for a Decree Absolute until finances are settled. Secondly, do you want to sell the house or is it because you think you might have to pay him off?

they think coming to see pets as a way of keeping their foot in the door, communication open and some control

Yeah I'm not convinced this fucker of possibly trafficked, possibly coerced women (the punters always comment if they speak any English, and refer jokingly to their gang member pimps as Sergei) who believes they'd marriage breakdown is op's fault for finding out ... . Is a super soft hearted, compassionate animal lover whose motivations have nothing to do with money or assets.

*their marriage breakdown

Genuinely made me laugh. Thanks. 😂

@Beansontoast45

Just a few days ago on here I saw a poster whose husband had bought his house before they were married (they were splitting after four years marriage with no kids) being advised by multiple women on here that she had a claim on the house and completely deserved it.

The double standards in reaction on these forums are priceless.

the link includes the following statement about how the length of the marriage is viewed. It is a stand alone statement of the factors that influence settlements.

The length of time the couple have been married, including any premarital
cohabitation. is the main factor in determining if a marriage can be viewed
as short. Although there is no legal definition of a short marriage, it generally
applies to marriages that have lasted around 5 years or less.

The idea is that over short periods of time finances don’t become so intertwined that the two parties cannot be easily made whole again by giving them what they put in. After a prolonged period of time this is not presumed.

It is possible that a couple could clearly have separated finances and agreed a prenup which would be relevant and would inform the split. A judge may find it very easy to make them whole again after a longish marriage. However a lot may depend on age and health. What might be ok for childless 35 year olds wouldn’t be for a 60 year old with health problems.

Having children is a hugely complicating factor even in a short marriage. Having 3 children in five years makes it virtually impossible for a person to be made whole again. The absence of children here will make a difference to a final settlement but probably works against the OP getting a larger share and shifts things towards 50:50.

The OP needs to demonstrate they had an agreement to not become financially entwined or dependent if she wants to keep her pre marriage wealth.

I can hardly bare to read this thread. So much incorrect legal advice, I don't know where to start

OP, please take proper legal advice on your position

@MrsMontyD

Maybe they miss there pets. Wouldn’t you?

You are allowed to add security if you feel you need it, so even if you have to leave be locks in place your ex has a key to you can add additional locks or bolts for security, this was advised by my solicitor in England.

Which is irrelevant because the OP has already changed the locks, so he is denied access, he probably thinks that getting you to formally refuse access will get him somewhere, it won't.

Most of these sorts of issues make absolutely no difference, the reasons for the divorce make no difference, you need to agree how assets will be divided or a judge will decide at great expense to both of you in legal fees.

My advice is to sit down with your solicitor and decide what you think is reasonable and offer that, in a letter to his solicitor, it'll cost more but avoid speaking to him sure , maybe leave a little bit of scope for negotiation of you want to but essentially set out your terms and then leave it hanging, don't get into a lot of debate, he can counter offer if he wants, his solicitor will advise him to settle and avoid court.

Don't place a lot of faith in what he says his solicitor has advised, he'll use "my solicitor said .... " to threaten you, most of it will be BS.

If the dogs are going to stay with you and he then wants to have access to them it's going to be a nightmare. You really need him gone out of your life after the divorce and not be still connected to them because of the dogs.

If they are "his" dogs (though from what you said @NoraButty , he has effectively surrendered them to you) but he can't take them because his lease forbids it, then he needs to pay you for their dog walker, their food, any vet bills and for kennelling (about £35/night per dog - though as they are bonded let him off with a fiver). His dogs, his responsibility. You certainly ought to claim at least 50%.

If they are now your dogs (because he has decided he doesn't want them with him - for whatever reason that may be) then he has no right to visit them - they are not children, they don't need to continue a relationship with him. TBH to see him occasionally is more likely to distress and unsettle them than otherwise.

It's certainly worth checking with your solicitor. All of this is just an attempt to control you and keep you on the back foot.

OP you MUST ask your solicitor to protect your property and anything else he might be wanting to get his hands on. Fight!

Give your solicitor evidence of your sole ownership prior to marriage.

Do you have evidence of any savings that he has? And his income?

Horrible for you, OP, but This is such an important thread to counter the claim often made on MN that marriage is best! Not if you own your own house and he doesn't, it isn't! (other circumstances may come into play, of course)

@ZaSar My ex chose to have an affair and leave his family, whether he missed our pets or not wasn't my concern, it was a consequence of his actions.

A friend of mine has spent years having to manage her ex's access to pets, because it was agreed in their consent order, it's been a nightmare, they didn't even have children. I wouldn't recommend anyone agrees to access to pets, especially where there are no dc involved you need a clean break.

OMFG these men!!!!!! WTF is he on?!

@MrsMontyD

That may be, but the point I was making is that if you split up with someone you (man or woman) may very well genuinely miss their pets and want to see them - them wanting to see pets they loved isn’t evidence of them being controlling and trying to keep their foot in the door.

@SuperCamp

The reasons your saying marriage was bad for this woman are they exact reasons Mumsnet advises women to get married - so they have a claim on property even if owned by him prior to marriage.

A man asking how to try to stuff his lower earning wife who hadn’t purchased the property they had lived in while married would be crucified on here.

Change the locks and refuse any contact with him and tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off

He is saying that he is on with his solicitor to gain full access to my house and intends to come round three or four nights a week.

This is abusive and coercive control, which is against the law. Get a solicitor to write him a scary letter, and change the locks. If you are the only person on the deeds, you can do this.

Since women are interchangeable for them, I'm sure animals would be too.

Awwwww, my heart is bleeding for him.

No wait, it's bleeding for op and the prostituted women he's been fucking behind her back.

And she's just lucky he hasn't infected her with a life changing or infertility causing STD.

Lets out sympathy and compassion where it's deserved.

*put