Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - new partners ex wife has breast cancer

154 replies

LTFxx · 07/11/2022 20:40

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for the past year. We don’t live together, as we are both recently separated (with no overlap) and live in different cities. But things felt very special between us and we were building towards a future.

Recently, his ex wife (separated but not divorced) was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. This has thrown our relationship into turmoil, as they have 2 kids together (older teenagers) and I now feel as if I don’t know where I stand. He did make an attempt to break it off (as I read it) a month ago as he said he needed to be there for her / the kids. They no longer live together but were married for a long time so I understand why this is such a huge deal, most importantly for her, and although it’s killing me that he’s distanced himself

Our relationship now seems to primarily comprise of phone sex and the occasional meet up (for sex) over the last month since diagnosis. And sometimes I get totally love bombed, other times he goes really cold.

I feel guilty for being upset as someone is going through something much worse. And I’ve invested a year into this amazing relationship which kept getting better and better only to feel as if it’s slipping through my fingers.

any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
LTFxx · 07/11/2022 20:42

Sorry to clarify, a growth in her breast initially which they are now worried has created secondary cancer, most notably a mass in the brain. I don’t know all the details only that there are potentially multiple tumours

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2022 20:43

Brain tumour or breast cancer?

Either way I’d end it with him and walk away. I wouldn’t be used for sex as a distraction, that sounds humiliating and rubbish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2022 20:43

Ah, right. I’d still walk.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 07/11/2022 20:44

It sounds like he's no longer available.
Don't make someone a priority if they see you as an option,
Its shit, I know, but don't let him treat you badly.

Original poster
LTFxx · 07/11/2022 20:45

You’re right, it does feel humiliating. But I don’t know whether it’s just a point in time thing, or whether he’s now emotionally unavailable or reconsidering his feelings for her and the family unit .

he tells me he loves me but it’s so hot and cold

OP posts:
CrapBag39 · 07/11/2022 20:45

He’s having his cake and eating it which is pretty despicable for both you and the wife. Throw him back.

LimeCheesecake · 07/11/2022 20:46

My advice is to walk away completely.

Raddix · 07/11/2022 20:46

How old are the kids? If she dies they’re going to get dumped on you, I would get out now.

Original poster
LTFxx · 07/11/2022 20:48

The kids are older teenagers (16 and 18)

I feel so heartless even feeling this way when someone is going through much worse

But I’m really not happy and the hot and cold rollercoaster is literally making me feel sick 24/7

OP posts:
CrapBag39 · 07/11/2022 20:49

Walk away. His priorities have changes and he’s stringing you along for sex while his wife is incapacitated.

nether · 07/11/2022 20:50

So it sounds as though she has stage IV breast cancer with brain mets and possibly further sites. That is, unfortunately, a very adverse assessment. Has he told you anything of her prognosis or treatment plan?

The DC are going to need their Dad - not just emotionally, but possibly also day-to-day as their mother might not be able to look after them as she usually would.

I'd give him space and time. I'm not wild about the idea of just being a booty-call, but he needs support in going through this and I think it's entirely reasonable to turn to your partner for that. You need to talk to him over how he sees this unfolding over the coming weeks

Original poster
LTFxx · 07/11/2022 20:51

I’d feel that way if they were still married (well I guess they are, legally) but I know they have been separated for 18 months

if it hadn’t been such a brilliant year leading up to this I’d find it easier to walk away

now it would feel like abandoning someone I really care about at a low point in their life.

OP posts:
ThingsIhavelearnt · 07/11/2022 20:51

Walk away

Yankeescot · 07/11/2022 20:51

Oh darlin, what an awful situation for all concerned. But I agree with the others that you need to walk away. This is a horrible way for you to be treated. You deserve better.

ThingsIhavelearnt · 07/11/2022 20:51

Be there after not now

CJat10 · 07/11/2022 20:53

I'd tell him I understood his need to focus on his wife and I was going to make it easy for him to do so by going no contact, cold turkey... split. No continued contact. Free each other to move on

Original poster
LTFxx · 07/11/2022 20:54

I feel so heartbroken. It’s back to square one

OP posts:
SD1978 · 07/11/2022 20:54

He's not going to have time to focus on you and your relationship, if he's decided to help and support his kids and ex wife. An occasional bonk and a phone call I'd imagine will be all he's capable of for a while, and if this is terminal, I'd imagine the focus will be on the kids wellbeing for quite some time afterwards. This isn't a relationship where you will be getting any kind of support, and will be entirely on his (and their) terms for a long time to come. If you can't manage that, and I couldn't, then I'd say that it's done for now

nether · 07/11/2022 20:55

now it would feel like abandoning someone I really care about at a low point in their life

Well, yes, it would feel like that because that's pretty much what it amounts to. But it's OK to do that, once you are sure that's the right thing for you.

But in the first dizzying weeks on a cancer diagnosis and the further investigations to establish spread and treatment options (a process which sounds to be still underway), it might not be the time yet to do that.

Have you met his DC?

BEAM123 · 07/11/2022 20:55

I don't think he is deliberately stringing you along, but he is probably trying to hang into what was a great relationship with you while dealing with the grenade that has just been launched into his and his kids lives. His head must be in turmoil, it is a huge deal to come to terms with and so it should be - if he wasn't confused and shocked he wouldn't have a heart.

I think I'd probably tell him to cool things off between you, let him figure out this big change, and let him know that you care but are stepping back until he is standing on more even ground.

mumyes · 07/11/2022 20:55

Do you only have his word for the health situation. I'd be suspicious. Sorry!

KentishMama · 07/11/2022 20:58

Secondary breast cancer - ie breast cancer that's already metastasized as far as the brain - is a huge deal and comes with a very, very poor prognosis. It's not a question of whether your DP's ex wife will die from this - but when. In this situation, he will have to put his children first. They are going to lose their mum, and they need their remaining parent.

You have a couple of options:

  1. Accept that DP needs to focus the majority of his energy on DC and be there for him in the small pockets of time that he'll have; and get ready for him to have the DC full-time as that's unavoidable. You will need a lot of patience if you choose this.
  2. Let him go and move on with your own life.

I think that's about it. Only you can decide what to do here. What a horrid situation for all involved.

GreyCarpet · 07/11/2022 21:00

I feel so heartless even feeling this way when someone is going through much worse

OK. This might sound cruel but you are als0 still a person with your own life akd your own needs. She is a stranger to you. Yes, it's sad, but you can't and shouldn't neglect your own needs or put them on the back burner for him or her.

You don't need to tolerate anything you are not happy with for her sake or his or feel obliged in any way to do so.

That might sound cold but it's also true.

The reality is that, he is in a difficult place emotionally right now and it isn't going to get any better. He might feel that supporting her is the right thing to do but that shouldn't come at your expense. How long is he going to grieve for her? How long, realistically, will she, he, you be living with her cancer for?

This is a shit situation but you don't need to be part of it and I wouldn't be.

And, as for supporting him, we'll I'm not sure I'd want to he there for someone who was using me for sex and blowing hot and cold with me. But maybe that's just me.

Whatever you decide, don't stay with him because you feel that her situation is worse than yours. It is but you have your own life to lead and no one is going to thank you for the sacrifices you make for him.

Starlightstarbright1 · 07/11/2022 21:00

I would support someone through this if they wanted emotional support however. I would not be used for phone sex and a hook up.

I would move on. His can be needy but care about you too but isn't

BertaHoon · 07/11/2022 21:00

Walk away. I've been there, and we had been friends for 15 years beforehand. His children adults (25-30). They had been separated 4 years.

I comforted him through the diagnoses, dealing with the 'kids', her rehousing, her end of life care and finally her death.

It sapped me of anything and everything and I'd been this man's best friend.

I think you need to let go of this one. Especially as the kids are teens.

Unless you want to put yourself through hell on his behalf.