Help - new partners ex wife has breast cancer

[LTFxx]

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for the past year. We don’t live together, as we are both recently separated (with no overlap) and live in different cities. But things felt very special between us and we were building towards a future.

Recently, his ex wife (separated but not divorced) was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. This has thrown our relationship into turmoil, as they have 2 kids together (older teenagers) and I now feel as if I don’t know where I stand. He did make an attempt to break it off (as I read it) a month ago as he said he needed to be there for her / the kids. They no longer live together but were married for a long time so I understand why this is such a huge deal, most importantly for her, and although it’s killing me that he’s distanced himself

Our relationship now seems to primarily comprise of phone sex and the occasional meet up (for sex) over the last month since diagnosis. And sometimes I get totally love bombed, other times he goes really cold.

I feel guilty for being upset as someone is going through something much worse. And I’ve invested a year into this amazing relationship which kept getting better and better only to feel as if it’s slipping through my fingers.

any advice?

The guy must feel torn in half
realistically I don’t think he’ll have room for a relationship
I’d just wind it down don’t fallout you never know a couple of years you could pick backup

@mumyes we have a couple of mutual friends, so I know the situation is accurate

No I haven’t met his kids but we were building up to it. I feel so torn and in turmoil. Thank you for all your advice. I’m reading it all even if I don’t reply to it all individually

I won’t be making any decisions overnight but I just find it so difficult to talk to anyone in real life about this because of how tragic the situation is

I lost my partner to brain cancer earlier this year and the short amount of time from diagnosis to death was the worst period of my life. Both anticipated grief and grief are just horrendous. I was all over the place and it was all I could do to continue as ‘normal’ with my career and for my daughter. I just didn’t have the capacity for others including well meaning friends.

If you feel that you have something worth fighting for with this chap, I would gently support him from a distance. I imagine that it will be a long time before you are made more of a priority again. Equally it isn’t fair to expect you to wait endlessly. Do what is right for you.

I don't necessarily agree with others that he's stringing you along for sex/having his cake etc.

You've had a close relationship and I'm sure he loves you and doesn't want things to end with you.

But something huge is happening in his and his children's lives. His wife (of many years it seems) who he has fairly recently split with (based on what you've said), who is the mother of his children, may die. That's a big deal, even if they are no longer together. I can completely understand feeling confused, emotional and unable to continue investing in a relationship while having to deal with that.

That being said, of course you need to put yourself first and not be treated unfairly! I think if it was me, and I cared deeply about this person and wanted to try and make things work at some point, I'd put the relationship on hold for the time being. He can't be who you want/need right now. Sorry op, I hope things work out for the best for you all

You would be. It's entirely up to you what you but don't be goaded into ending something that was good because people on the Internet want drama.

If it was allgoing so well, give him the benefit of the doubt. Give him space but be there when he needs. It sounds like the mother of his children is dying, he isn't playing silly buggers with you.

As for the hot & cold, he's probably mentally exhausted and is giving what he can when he can.

Basically, don't fuck off a good thing because of a temporary bad point.

I do get your heartbroken but you new partner got to be there for his children while their mother goes through this..

You can walk away or say your always there to listen. He probably will need to support and if you cannot do this walk away.

I would start to try & detach emotionally to protect yourself. If you want the sex & it feels good emotionally, then do it. But if it's making you feel shit (which I think it would for me), then I'd put a stop to that pronto.

This will sound harsh, but you need to put yourself first here for your own well-being. You do not owe him anything but kindness perhaps.

Good luck.

This is a horrible situation where no one is at fault. Unfortunately due to circumstances, he cannot gve you what you need from a relationship right now.

The fact he is there for his ex and kids right now i acactually a sign of decency even if it's to your detriment.

There isn't room for you in his life right now & the circumstances will drain you and leave you feeling low. I would step back.

@CourtneeLuv I think that’s where my head is, although it’s made me realise I invest FAR too much of my happiness and self worth in relationships

I’m going to need to build some serious resilience if I’m going to support him through this and accept that he can’t engage with our relationship fully for very tragic reasons not of his making. But the last couple of times we’ve met / sent pics / texts I’ve just ended up feeling flat / used when he goes distant again.

I also want to know if she knows about me, I’m not sure why that’s so important to me, when the poor lady has enough on her plate, but it is

Exactly, it is a sign of decency and I think if he acted differently I’d think less of him. I think I’m the loser here but in fact everyone loses and I’m probably the most fortunate of everyone. Just need to try and decide if I am strong enough to continue the relationship

Let yourself walk away. At the very least, he needs to be focused on his children's needs for the next few years, it's going to be tough on them.

@LTFxx It’s one thing being there for the kids through this but it sounds like he is conflicted with his feelings for her hence the blowing hot and cold with you.

How old are the kids? If she dies they’re going to get dumped on you, I would get out now.

Lovely

@Noxpox that’s what I think too. But she’s dying

I don't think your strong enough to handle this and best for him and his children if you walk away.

I don't know how serious this is but his ex will need him to be supported by someone less selfish that can be there for there for him and their children.

Someone who can put their needs aside not feel oh he going to go back to her and that's it..she will always be the mother of his kids. As you don't know that will happen just yet.

@LTFxx Even with the circumstances, Surely as his partner he should treat you as such, and not just want sex and go cold on you. I personally would end this, it sounds far too complicated and messy and if he does still have romantic feelings for her (and I’m guessing he does given his recent behaviour and the fact it’s not that long since they split up) then if/when she does die, I suspect the distance you feel now will be ten times worse. Save yourself the heartache and let him go.

I agree. You’re right not to blame him for his emotional turmoil. You may be able to help him to support her, for what will probably not be a very long time. I wish you all the strength you will need, if you decide to do this.

He probably is reconsidering his feelings for her - not in the way that they will rekindle the relationship but that he has loved her and will hold some feelings for her even if they are separated and don’t intend to be together. It is likely he will want to support her as it is the best way to support his kids and give them a feeling of being a unit. If things go south then he will have 2 grieving kids to try and stabilise which means there will not be a good time to bring your relationship to light for a long time. And the actual illness could take a long time to progress to that stage. So I would imagine you are signing yourself up to no commitment, progression, being hidden and not really supported for perhaps years. I don’t think I could do that.

My own mum had cancer when I was younger and I needed my dad, 110%, on a practical and emotional level. It was all consuming, in every way, especially in the first few weeks/months after diagnosis.

He's probably going through similar, trying to work through how to support his kids emotionally, figuring out what their future will look like, and processing his feelings towards his ex-wife dying (might be complex, but doesn't have to mean it's rekindled romantic feelings). Hot/cold...hardly surprising, he's probably all over the place. It's not a linear thing he's going through.

I do think it says a lot about who he is that he wants to be supportive of his ex.

In your position I would give him is space, as PP said gentle support from a distance and an ear to listen, but no phone sex. Whatever your relationship might look like while he navigates his ex's diagnosis, it doesn't have to include anything that makes you uncomfortable, including phone sex/sex.

I just wanted to add, if you do stick around and support him, it could change the dynamics of your relationship a lot - not just now but in the future. He will be used to you being a supporter while he deals with other stuff, and the balance of things will change and may not be easy to get it back to the presumably more balanced and equal place that it was before this.

For goodness' sake, what is wrong with you

This is a horrible situation and I really feel for you.

How about an honest conversation with him where you lay out that you really care about him, you were happy with where things were going but acknowledge that he (totally understandably) can't give you what you need while he needs to rightly focus on his kids who are about to lose their mother and supporting them through that. Not to mention all the practical issues related to them not being divorced. Then suggest that you park the romantic aspect of your relationship for now.

There isn't an easy answer here but I do think that not having sex with him but keeping the lines of communication open, having the odd meeting to talk over coffee or dinner when he can manage it might be the best way to protect yourself emotionally here.

You need to step away, you are essentially his wank sock now, he's gone back to his wife/family (as is right if he wants to be a good father and not destroy those children).
As disappointing as it is for you, there's no place for you in this situation and you need to look after yourself.
If it's meant to be you can reconnect down the line.

I think he needs to be there for his kids. I know you are hurt but his kids are the priority. Its such a sad situation. I really feel for you x