Help - new partners ex wife has breast cancer

[LTFxx]

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for the past year. We don’t live together, as we are both recently separated (with no overlap) and live in different cities. But things felt very special between us and we were building towards a future.

Recently, his ex wife (separated but not divorced) was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. This has thrown our relationship into turmoil, as they have 2 kids together (older teenagers) and I now feel as if I don’t know where I stand. He did make an attempt to break it off (as I read it) a month ago as he said he needed to be there for her / the kids. They no longer live together but were married for a long time so I understand why this is such a huge deal, most importantly for her, and although it’s killing me that he’s distanced himself

Our relationship now seems to primarily comprise of phone sex and the occasional meet up (for sex) over the last month since diagnosis. And sometimes I get totally love bombed, other times he goes really cold.

I feel guilty for being upset as someone is going through something much worse. And I’ve invested a year into this amazing relationship which kept getting better and better only to feel as if it’s slipping through my fingers.

any advice?

Maybe suggest to him that you should put the relationship on hold while he deals with this.

Stop having sex with him if the other aspects of the relationship are not happening. If you are happy to do so offer to stay in contact as a friend and provide emotional support. Ask him to let you know if / when he is ready for a relationship again,

If she has metastasized breast cancer I would guess she doesn't have more than a year to live.

You’ve “invested” fuck all.

you have spent time getting to know someone who - apparently- tried to break it off last month

save yourself the humiliation, break it off now and leave him to it.

Iignore the nasty comments, you are in a very unfortunate situation wherea relationship has completely tilted because of circumstances outside the control of either of you.

I would be upset too.

Walk. He needs to be there for his kids. His wife is possibly dying and his children are potentially losing their mum. He isn't available, he can't be.

Should the worst happen, if you carry on seeing him, to his kids you're always going to be the woman their dad was screwing while their mum was dying. Emotions are too high. Walk and maybe in the future you can be together but imo the timing now isn't right.

I'd agree. I can't see how this can work out in a way you can fulfil your life.

The timing is awful from your point of view OP, and I can see how upsetting it must be to feel your blossoming relationship is falling apart.

But this is a devastating blow for him - not because he still loves his ex, but because he knows it'll be tragic for his kids. If she has brain metastases then she's going to die very soon, possibly even before Christmas. He really really can't focus on a relationship now. Nor should he, to be honest. He needs to be 100% available for his kids.

If you see a future with him then you're going to have to just roll with it, take what he offers and try to be supportive. This won't last forever. That might seem unfair to you, so of course you'd be well within your rights to walk away.

A friend of mine got together with a man who had just lost his wife. She'd been friends with them both, and they started a relationship almost immediately after she died. He was in turmoil and their relationship was largely grief counselling in the early days. But my friend stuck with it and they've been happily married for decades now.

I’m going to go against the grain and say support him, especially as you say the relationship had been going so well.
I had a trauma not long after I met DH, if he’d have walked away because I was suffering, I wouldn’t think very highly of him. That’s not what love is.
Give him the space he needs and be patient, offer support when he needs it. That doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to be used for sex if that’s how you’re feeling though, knock that on the head and explain how it’s making you feel.

I think some PPs are being harsh - the mother of his kids is dying, by the sound of it, so the man has had the shock of his life. I am not sure it's fair to conclude he's deliberately stringing you along - but you do need to end it, he's just not in a place where he can have a relationship - he needs to be focused on his children, and supporting her.

Thanks for all the supportive comments and thoughtful advice. I didn’t come here solely seeking sympathy as it’s not me who needs it really, but for those calling me selfish that does really hurt. If I was selfish I wouldn’t be agonising over this like I am. I think it’s not selfish to try and preserve some iota of self esteem and I think possibly a platonic friendship might be the only way through

I doubt very much that he knows what to do. He has a very rough ride coming up. But it's time to lay some boundaries down. If you don't want to be used for phone sex or sex, then make that a boundary. Offer him time to re-adjust to the circumstances possibly without seeing you. I appreciate that it is his ex wife, but there may be all sorts of emotions going through his head about her and more so about how this will impact their children.

I think you need to have a really good chat with him about this situation. If he truly cares for you, he should be able to discuss this with you and make a plan that you're both happy with or at least reassure you.

If he doesn’t put his children before you when their mother is dying
What kind of man would he be?
Sad for you OP but it’s worse for everyone else involved in this situation

@Japanesejazz I know this very much. My heart aches for them and him.

If you think this relationship might really be something, I would suggest to him that you just put it on pause for now. Let him focus on his wife and kids. Let him deal with his grief. You go live your life and yes, you are allowed to date. When he is ready, he can give you a call. If your lives better match up, you can give it another try.

I don't think that phrase is appropriate in this context. It's usually used in the context of a man who doesn't care about his partner sexually or emotionally/coercion, not somebody who is seeing somebody he had a family and a life with die in an unpleasant way when his children are just entering adulthood.

He can still have strong feelings for the OP and desperately want to be with her, even though he feels obliged or compelled to be more supportive than he would have been to a healthy ex wife. Just like my DP wanted to be with me, but had to stay the other end of the country and look after his father for months after a stroke - his father needed him most. He did the right thing by putting his Dad first and after things were more settled, he came back, relieved that I hadn't got fed up with phone calls and two overnight visits and dumped him.

It is absolutely up to the OP if she feels able to sit this out. Her feelings matter, too - but I do think your terminology for a man still wanting some comfort, time off from the enormity of the situation, a link to how his life was before this diagnosis and how he wanted it to be, is too harsh and not representative of everybody.

When someone is dying you go into mourning. He's supporting two children his ex. Never mind his own grief.

My advice leave them be for now. I worked in a hospice so do understand the process

I would stick around but give him space. My MIL was in this situation - her ex husband (father of my DP and their other DC) was diagnosed but she had recently embarked on a new relationship. Her new partner pulled back and gave her space to be there for her ex and the children during the final few weeks / months. She actually moved him back into their marital home and nursed him during that time. Over 20 years later her and the new partner are still together.

I would tell him that he isn't in a position now to have a relationship. He needs to focus on his children.There is no way the children will want anything to do with you for quite a long time. I just say I love you but I'm going to have to let you go. If you ever need me I'm at the end of the phone but a romantic relationship has to end now.

He might be blowing hot and cold because he feels guilty that the last couple of years of her life could have been them as a family - even if both of them happy with the decision, he might still feel guilty that the kids could’ve had their parents together to the end.

I think I’d just hang in there and try to support him, but if you feel like you’re not getting anything out of it, you don’t want to be resentful and bitter, you may as well end it in a good note.

Stick around but give him space. Lots of similar advice from people who have lived it.
I can imagine why he would feel torn. If you try not to take it personally things won’t always be this way. It shows a loyal character

I'd walk away. It's hard but his family, his wife and children need to be his only priority. If your relationship has legs maybe there's a chance in the future.

OP, you need to think of this as your partner supporting a family member, because that's most likely what his ex-wife is to him. She's his kids' mum and like others have said, it says a lot about him that he wants to be there for the family unit. That's what any decent dad would do.

Presumably he's juggling all that with a full-time job too. It must be physically and emotionally draining for him.

In other words, he's doing the right thing. But it doesn't mean it's the right thing FOR YOU, unfortunately. I'm afraid you're likely to come second for a long time, particularly if his ex-wife passes away and he needs to support his children through their grief.

It's really difficult. I'm not saying you should stay; in fact, perhaps you should leave .

You need to walk away.
He is, quite rightly, prioritising his children and supporting the mother of his children but he is also using you for stress relief and that's the part that's not ok. You are not a sex doll, there to meet his physical need on demand.

I think you need to end it. He'll be sad but probably relieved to be honest. He doesn't have the headspace to support his wife and his children and pursue the relationship with you right now. That's not to say you can't revisit it in the future. But if you carry on, it will finish badly with you getting more and more upset and resentful at being squashed into a tiny corner of his life.

There are some proper black and white thinkers on this thread.

It’s possible for OP to feel sorry for this man and his family AND be upset about how his treatment of her makes her feel. It’s not either/or.

Give up the next few years to support a man whose kids she hasn’t even met yet?

I wouldn’t.

You need to go...the longer you stay ...the harder it will be