Help - new partners ex wife has breast cancer

[LTFxx]

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for the past year. We don’t live together, as we are both recently separated (with no overlap) and live in different cities. But things felt very special between us and we were building towards a future.

Recently, his ex wife (separated but not divorced) was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. This has thrown our relationship into turmoil, as they have 2 kids together (older teenagers) and I now feel as if I don’t know where I stand. He did make an attempt to break it off (as I read it) a month ago as he said he needed to be there for her / the kids. They no longer live together but were married for a long time so I understand why this is such a huge deal, most importantly for her, and although it’s killing me that he’s distanced himself

Our relationship now seems to primarily comprise of phone sex and the occasional meet up (for sex) over the last month since diagnosis. And sometimes I get totally love bombed, other times he goes really cold.

I feel guilty for being upset as someone is going through something much worse. And I’ve invested a year into this amazing relationship which kept getting better and better only to feel as if it’s slipping through my fingers.

any advice?

I think it’s absolutely fine for the OP to be heartbroken and ‘me me me’ about what’s happened to a promising relationship.

This thread is NOT about a dying woman. Nor is it about a man with responsibilities to his family.

It’s about a woman who felt she had a promising relationship that she was investing in. And, just as she does that, he is pulling away to focus on something else and seems interested only in phone sex (or occasional actual sex) with her.

It doesn’t really matter what his reason for doing so is. The fact he’s said it’s something very dramatic and heartbreaking (because, it is important to recognise that what he is telling the OP, who lives in another city) simply means that 1. the OP feels she would be a horrible person to maintain any boundaries or have any expectations and 2. Everyone else seems determined to insist that’s the case.

But, actually, whatever is going on in his life, the problem is that this man is not emotionally or practically available. And the OP is struggling with what feels like a promising relationship ‘slipping through her fingers’.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock Ahh you have ASD.. that explains it. I work with people with it and yes there tends to be a black and white view a lot of the time. It makes sense why you have such a cold stance on this.
You're getting very passionate in your posts and I think some of that is frustration that there is something you're not understanding emotionally and can't relate to.

But many of us have good relations with our exes, mine is my best friend, we still hang out. It's good for our kids. He would be a huge support it I was dying of cancer as I would to him! How awful to completely cut emotional ties to someone who has been a big part of your life (unless there's abuse etc)

I get why the OP is sad of course! But she seems to just been thinking of herself, which is not a nice trait.. if my ex was dying and my current partner only thought about himself it would put me off big time. This is the father of my children dying! I don't think OP said him and ex were getting back together? Just being there to support her. If he does get back with her then theres still feelings there and OP should cut her losses.

They live in different cities so won’t have been hand in glove. not met the kids yet

i get that she’ll be disappointed, I had to end a relationship pretty much at the anniversary meal, it was hard, but it had to happen. This was a guy I saw every weekend pretty much and a day or 2 in the week.

I know all too well how easy it is when dating to let your heart run away from your head and you in effect “invent” a depth of feeling that realistically only lives online, on phone

she’s admitted it’s a distance relationship, phone sex etc so this is a learning experience for her.

I spent about 5 years online dating after my ex left. I learned a lot the hard way.

where I got to was: Under a year, don’t even consider it a serious relationship. Especially if they’re not divorced or have kids or has a long relationship with their ex - you need to slow down, enjoy the relationship at completely face value and don’t allow yourself to future fake yourself.

the sunk cost fallacy makes complete mugs of us. Hence my comment, there is Fuck all investment. There isn’t. There’s no investment at all. No stocks owned, no shares issues, no contracts signed nor letters of intent. It’s a mutual interest. Nothing more.

I’d say be his friend, if you love him.
Practise lots of self-care - keep yourself happy. Develop all the other friendships, interests etc in your life. This could mean you having other partner(s), too, and sounds like that might be a good option since you’re not getting everything you need from this relationship - might take a big shift in your perspective - but I really don’t see how anyone coping with the imminent death of their children’s other parent would have enough energy to be fully committed to a new(ish) romantic relationship at this stage. I presume he is working too?!
Giving someone the space and support they need is slightly different from ‘cooling things off’. But definitely look after yourself first by concentrating on what you love doing, and having fun.
ps my partner’s ex also has cancer, though we’ve been together 6 years, and we’re a bit older as are his children, so it’s slightly different. But still facing the decision of how much support he needs/wants to offer her, which can only be his decision.