Help - new partners ex wife has breast cancer

[LTFxx]

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for the past year. We don’t live together, as we are both recently separated (with no overlap) and live in different cities. But things felt very special between us and we were building towards a future.

Recently, his ex wife (separated but not divorced) was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. This has thrown our relationship into turmoil, as they have 2 kids together (older teenagers) and I now feel as if I don’t know where I stand. He did make an attempt to break it off (as I read it) a month ago as he said he needed to be there for her / the kids. They no longer live together but were married for a long time so I understand why this is such a huge deal, most importantly for her, and although it’s killing me that he’s distanced himself

Our relationship now seems to primarily comprise of phone sex and the occasional meet up (for sex) over the last month since diagnosis. And sometimes I get totally love bombed, other times he goes really cold.

I feel guilty for being upset as someone is going through something much worse. And I’ve invested a year into this amazing relationship which kept getting better and better only to feel as if it’s slipping through my fingers.

any advice?

I don't think he is deliberately stringing you along, but he is probably trying to hang into what was a great relationship with you while dealing with the grenade that has just been launched into his and his kids lives

this . But it’s going to be shitty for you
and you need to look after yourself

there is nothing to be gained from you feeling crappy and unsure for the foreseeable future

you could stay friends , you could also have something more casual

you could also date other people

but you cant sacrifice your own happiness for another family who are having their own tragedy

People are supporting you but doesn't mean the very few of us didn't see the me me me. I wouldn't have just said it for nothing or anyone else.

If you ever look at this thread look at this part of your post:

Recently, his ex wife (separated but not divorced) was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. This has thrown our relationship into turmoil, as they have 2 kids together (older teenagers) and I now feel as if I don’t know where I stand. He did make an attempt to break it off (as I read it) a month ago as he said he needed to be there for her / the kids. They no longer live together but were married for a long time so I understand why this is such a huge deal, most importantly for her, and although it’s killing me that he’s distanced himself.

It's the way you put your post and other replies here people sensed it.

Like yeah she ill but what about me. Any decent man would be there for their children and ex.
What did you expect from him? To put you totally first say and say I need to be there for my kids and not care she sick and might die. Say your the one I want now this the time to let it be known she means nothing to me and that you do.

The only thing that would be so awful if he lied to you and it was just him wanting to go back to her. If he did lie then we would be like it's so horrible of him.

Like I said before best you walk away he don't actually seem that supportive type of person who can't put her feelings aside for woman who could be dying and for the children to lose their mum.
In all this have you asked him how he feeling himself to have all this landed on him. I bet he equally sad about you and him but it's life it's one of them things.

You don't seem that supportive type

Any decent man would be there for their children and ex.

Yes, be there for his children, but he owes his ex nothing. They are exes. Surely she has friends and family. It is not normal for an ex to run back to his ex just because they have cancer. How many of us would run back to our ex husbands/partners when we find out they had cancer, and throw our current relationships aside? For an EX? It's not normal, unless he still has feelings with her. Call her up every now and then, give best wishes etc, but go back to live with her? No. Something is really off there.

Who said he's going back to live with her @JennyNotFromTheBlock? But yes, I do think it's perfectly normal to give your very recently split up ex a bit more support than the odd phone call if the relationship has ended amicably and there are children.

It's called being a decent person.

From the OP's posts, it seems they now have a long distance relationship because he's moved back to the marital home. If I got that wrong my apologies.

There is no need to have any involvement with an EX even if it was an amicable split, unless it's to discuss the children. Otherwise, they'd still be a couple. It's simply not normal to do that, when you've made a life with another woman.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock

I won't lie to you what keeps jumping out at me is I hoped he hasn't lied to her so he can get back with his ex. That bit is bugging me. It would be cruel if truem

I don't think if this is true he can think about a relationship with the OP. His mind thinking if she does he got to be there for kids. Yes he probably feeling the same as OP gutted but this woman the mother of his children and they alway have a special bond. I even think has his ex lied to him knowing he moving on which again wouldn't want this to be true.

So I have thought of OP feelings. But suppose people are thinking of the poor children and this woman dying.. Cancer is a very horrible thing to have. Op should be lucky to be alive. It's not that he just gone back to his ex for kids and making another go of it.

Now she wants to bow out of this thread because people picking up she was all about me me me.

As horrible as she feels best she need to distance herself from this man. If she can take control of her feelings and feel in time she can be there for him then do so from a distance. It's hard situation no ones fault.

Yes so do I. At one stage they loved each other. I know many people that have done the same. The poor kids are losing their mother. He needs to be there 100% and if that means being there for their mum the so be it. It’s called caring and being a nice parent.

What @Quiegal? You think he's invented his wife having breast cancer with a secondary brain tumour as a way of splitting up with the OP?  That's very dark

@JennyNotFromTheBlock - they are not building a life together. They live in different cities, she's not met his children. They're dating.

And now his wife, who he has been with for most of his adult life, mother of his children, is dying.

Any man who prioritised his new relationship in those circumstances is not a decent person.

@Clymene His estranged wife, Clymene. You seem to think that, despite them being separated, they are still very much a couple. Any man who gets involved with another woman, then tosses her aside simply because an ex, who he has no real relationship with anymore so should be just a stranger to him, gets sick, is not a 'decent' man. He is a player, a user.

You think he's invented his wife having breast cancer with a secondary brain tumour as a way of splitting up with the OP?  That's very dark

He might not have invented it but he surely is using it as an excuse to treat the OP like disposable crap. He is certainly using it. What his ex-wife does/has is none of his business.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock The mother of his kids has got terminal cancer! If anything he's showing what a decent man he is.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock i agree with you! He should be there for his kids and even be there for his ex wife. However you don’t just toss your current relationship to one side.

Walk away.

It's a sad situation for all concerned. Clearly DP didn't ask for this. However, as other posters have said, with the best will in the world, he's not available for a relationship now. This will probably only deteriorate further over the coming weeks and months and if it's devastating to you now, you'll only feel worse as time passes.

Tell him you understand his situation. Tell him there's no hard feelings and you wish him well. But tell him that a once a month friends with benefits situation is damaging for your mental health. Walk away and be strong.

His ex's health woes is none of his business except where the children are involved. Exes are exes for a reason. By using this as an excuse, he is showing he is a two-timing abusive jerk, not a decent man at all. Not even remotely! No decent man would treat the OP like this.

In fact, you'd have to be very cold to think treating the OP like this is even remotely decent.

Wowser, what planet are on ?
Clearly one that hardly has shred of decency or compassion for others, jeez,

Sorry that having compassion for the OP who is being treated like crap is a bad thing to you, jeez indeed. Are you unable yourself to have a shred of decency or compassion? Is treating women like disposable shit a normal thing on your planet??
Wtf?!

Does the term EX mean anything to you? Or are you the type to drop your current relationship and family for an ex, as if they are nothing but disposable garbage! hence you can't see how wrong, selfish, cold, cruel and lacking in human decency it is? If that is truly how you see relationships I trust you haven't had many if people are as disposable to you as you seem to be saying.
😠

I can't believe what I'm reading on this thread... Just when I think my faith in humanity can't get any lower....

Yep, I’m reading your comments and thinking exactly the same.

I don't think he's treating the OP very well, no. In fact, if you look at my very first post on this thread, I'd advised the OP to end the relationship.

But at the same time I do feel sorry for him. He is a man who is devastated. His wife (they are still married) is dying. His children are going to have no mother. The life and future he had envisaged for himself is over - he's not going to have a future of happy co-parenting but is instead going to be a single parent to traumatised and grief stricken teenagers. The woman who (I assume) he loved for most of his life is dying. It's unbearably sad.

It's very peculiar that you're unable to see that.

@What @Quiegal? You think he's invented his wife having breast cancer with a secondary brain tumour as a way of splitting up with the OP?  That's very dark
**
It did cross my mind and I hope that's not the case. I doubt he has lied.
Someone else had said too. But basing on other comments I went with she is ill and it's not all about OP. She hasn't mentioned she feels he lying and taken his word.

That's why I said it's different if we find he has lied we would feel that is very cruel to OP.

But still it was all about OP. It did come across me me me. Which is normal I suppose but that's why best she walks away. She wouldn't be able to put those feelings aside. It takes a certain type of person to push your own feelings aside be supportive from a distance for a persons ex dying. Being strong saying no to the phone sex

His wife (they are still married)

Then he has no business being in a relationship with the OP if he still feels like he is in a relationship with his wife.

Of course what's happening to his estranged wife and ex, is sad. But they are no longer together. They are not a couple. Just as I wouldn't abandon my partner for my ex-husband getting cancer, I don't understand why the OP's guy gets to two-time, play happy families with his EX-wife, and also have his cake and eat it too, with the OP. I think people are not getting it, that the his EX has nothing to do with him anymore, except when it comes to the children. There seems to be a blurring of lines here, that people don't understand what 'ex' means. It's sad his EX has cancer, but it is not any of his concern. Of course he can feel for her and care as a friend, but caring as a friend, is entirely different from being as enmeshed as he appears to be. He has no responsibility to her any longer.

They are not family.

Surely she has a sister, or actual family, or friends? Why is he moving back in with her, when it is not his place? He is too far enmeshed and it's worrying. Most of us don't abandon our current lives and families for an EX if they have cancer. Sure, we're sad, concerned, care, etc all of that, but actually going as far as moving back in? With an ex? When you have a life with someone else? It's all very odd and far too enmeshed. It's clear he's not over her and is using it as an excuse, otherwise him being this involved and this enmeshed doesn't make any sense. It's just not normal.