Help - new partners ex wife has breast cancer

[LTFxx]

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for the past year. We don’t live together, as we are both recently separated (with no overlap) and live in different cities. But things felt very special between us and we were building towards a future.

Recently, his ex wife (separated but not divorced) was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. This has thrown our relationship into turmoil, as they have 2 kids together (older teenagers) and I now feel as if I don’t know where I stand. He did make an attempt to break it off (as I read it) a month ago as he said he needed to be there for her / the kids. They no longer live together but were married for a long time so I understand why this is such a huge deal, most importantly for her, and although it’s killing me that he’s distanced himself

Our relationship now seems to primarily comprise of phone sex and the occasional meet up (for sex) over the last month since diagnosis. And sometimes I get totally love bombed, other times he goes really cold.

I feel guilty for being upset as someone is going through something much worse. And I’ve invested a year into this amazing relationship which kept getting better and better only to feel as if it’s slipping through my fingers.

any advice?

I am sorry OP, this sounds difficult.

Only you can decide what is best for you, I can see both sides of whatever you choose to do. But the important thing here, is that you have to think of you in this situation, it cannot just be all about him, you being his support, being his sudden booty call.

18 months is not really a very long time to be separated from a long marriage though. So mentally you do need to prepare for him to reconsider this.

If this man's ex has brain and breast cancer then her prognosis probably isn't great. He rightly needs to be present to support his children, and his ex to a degree, through what will be a horrible time.

If - worst case scenario - the wife dies, then this man is going to become sole carer for the children. They're teens, but still very young to lose a parent, so will be distraught. Later it could come out as anger as they struggle to deal with their emotions. If they don't know about you then they're not going to welcome you into the family any time soon after their loss. Even though they know their dad is separated from their mum, they may still see it as a betrayal if he gets with another woman soon after their mum's death.

I think you need to take all of this into account when deciding what to do. By all means keep supporting him if you feel you can wait for him, but maybe dial back on being a booty call.

The cancer is a red herring. He’s blowing hot and cold regardless of anything else. It’s not love or respect.

That sounds like an incredible tough situation for you both to be in, my Father died of cancer a few years back and it’s was very stressful time., my parents were in another part of the country so was travelling a lot and my partners support to make things seem “normal”, was invaluable .
If you feel it’s worth it, try just being there, but drop the sex maybe?

He's not showing any signs of desperately wanting to be with Op,needing her support and is just using her for sex.
Sex and nothing else,he's not being emotionally available to the Op or confiding in her, being vulnerable or asking her for support.
Sex and then cold and unavailable.
I don't think Op is being unreasonable to feel used.

Completely disagree with this.

What sounds like a stage IV diagnosis is one of the biggest and most traumatic things life can throw at you

His DC will really need him.

Do they yet know about her prognosis? Who will be arranging things like hospice care (very likely to be needed soon)?

OP: find out if you have a cancer support centre near you. They usually help or signpost help for anyone affected by cancer (not just the patient) and would help you process your emotions, and help you come to your decisions.

The urge to connect to life, via sex, can be incredibly strong and is entirely normal. You don't have to agree with ways in which it is being expressed, or consent to any actions which feel wrong. But it might help you understand his turmoil

I agree with @nether, step back to give him space to deal with the situation, but don't leave him, be there to support him but not in the way of booty calls!

What a really Great post ^^

@LTFxx check out the McMillan site it has some great resources on support

I think the differing responses to the situation (and I welcome them all) show just how difficult it is.

I’m still not sure what route to take but I think I’ve now got clearer in my own mind that I can be supportive and kind, without being selfless.

I would leave and let him focus fully on supporting her and the kids.

I absolutely admire him for dropping everything and being there for his children and ex wife. What kind of a man would he be if he didn’t??

I can understand why you’re feeling used if it’s only sex and phone sex, but can’t you say no, let’s just cuddle or go out? Tell him it makes you feel a bit used?

im sorry but it sounds a bit weird you saying you want him to tell him about you, or could understand if he was still married but he’s not. You don’t sound strong enough to cope with a man with a past and children. His children might have found it difficult meeting you under normal circumstances, the odds are now it will be even harder for them, and you being brought out in to the open might be delayed for quite a while. But from your posts it comes across slightly that you’re jealous of the ex wife getting his time, and that’s strange under these circumstances imo.

So yes I’d say walk away, even though I think this guy sounds like he’s probably one of the good ones. He’s not quite right for you if you’re struggling with it now.

What you would ideally want from this man is not possible. Nobody's fault, just a fact of life. Put it in a box marked "things which would be lovely but are completely fictional" along with that lottery won.

What is available at the moment is a fuck-buddy arrangement with a man you like, which might possibly in the distant future turn into something more. It is completely your choice whether you think that's something you'd like to carry on with or if it's not for you.

I think if your thinking a long those lines maybe cut him off totally.

The first post you can across as it's all about you and now it's like I can be supportive but not selfless.. don't think no ones asked you too.

But this man thinking of his children and his ex. I think he will need a lot of support.

As heartbreaking as it is for you it's best leave him be.

@LTFxx I don’t understand some of these comments on here especially the ones about you being selfish!? Do those people mean if my ex who I had kids with gets a terminal illness i should split up with my current long term partner? Surely it’s only going to affect a current relationship in the way it’s affecting yours if there’s still feelings involved for the ex? Otherwise he would be able to remain in his current relationship with you whilst also being there for his kids during this time.

@Quiegal I honestly don’t think I’ve come across as ‘all about me’. If I have, it’s because mine is the only situation I can influence, other than that I am helpless

Because it's someone who meant/means a lot to him who is dying! His kids will remember how he treats their mum. They can enjoy some closeness as a family.

Oh op what an awful situation.

The thing, I think you should think about is that’s this situation a isn’t for a set time. This man is doing the right thing, by his kids.

But there’s the period of her illness, which sounds like it will get progressively worse not better. It will change him and his life. I am presuming she will not get better, in which case he will then still need to prioritise his kids as they grieve their mum. He is unlikely to be introducing you and moving your relationship forward for a long time. No one can tell how long it will be before your relationship becomes one of his focuses again.

Obviously, I do get what they as a family are going through is awful. But you are right to think about yourself and what the future brings and your place in this. You could be in this limbo for many years. Can you do that?

You say you want his wife to know about you. What would you gain by that ? Also you've been seeing him for a year and been kept a secret from them all too why is that...more to the story.

It does come across very me mr me. You even said you’re the loser when the poor lady stands to lose her life and the children their mum.

I had a relationship break up due to similar circumstances. He ended it due to similar problems with his own family and he did the right thing. He couldn’t cope with a relationship on top of looking after how children. It wasn’t about me or our relationship. It’s very sad but when you’re a parent navigating life after divorce, relationships are so much harder.

I agree. I'm sure it's a tough time but he should be consistent in his emotions with you.

Ok, I’m going to bow out of this thread feeling thoroughly terrible. Wish I had never posted.

Thank you to those who have been kind and offered really helpful advice. It is so appreciated.

I don't know what you expected to hear on this thread you posted.

You shouldn’t feel terrible in the slightest. You clearly expressed in your opening post about feeling guilty with how you feel in the circumstances (which one or two posters have overlooked..the worst being the dreadful “me me” comment which is best ignored). You’ve been considerate in acknowledging the awful situation for his ex whilst also wondering what to do next. You’re in limbo, and most of us would feel exactly the same.

It could just be right man wrong time. He will rightly be completely invested in supporting his kids through this emotional turmoil for however long it takes, which may make it impossible for your relationship to be anything like it was. Your emotional well-being is important too, and there is no right or wrong in whatever you decide to do. Good luck OP.

What he is doing is selfish and is not fair to you. Exes are exes for a reason, that he's still not yet divorced is of great concern. Who ended the relationship between them? Of course he should be there for his kids, but he has no responsibility towards her anymore, doesn't she have a sister, mother or close friends? If his 'priority' is his ex, then it means he has never gotten over her. If he had, he'd never treat you this way. I'd tell him that I feel he is being selfish and doesn't seem over her and is using this as an excuse. I wouldn't put up with his behaviour. You deserve better.