Help - new partners ex wife has breast cancer

[LTFxx]

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for the past year. We don’t live together, as we are both recently separated (with no overlap) and live in different cities. But things felt very special between us and we were building towards a future.

Recently, his ex wife (separated but not divorced) was diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumour. This has thrown our relationship into turmoil, as they have 2 kids together (older teenagers) and I now feel as if I don’t know where I stand. He did make an attempt to break it off (as I read it) a month ago as he said he needed to be there for her / the kids. They no longer live together but were married for a long time so I understand why this is such a huge deal, most importantly for her, and although it’s killing me that he’s distanced himself

Our relationship now seems to primarily comprise of phone sex and the occasional meet up (for sex) over the last month since diagnosis. And sometimes I get totally love bombed, other times he goes really cold.

I feel guilty for being upset as someone is going through something much worse. And I’ve invested a year into this amazing relationship which kept getting better and better only to feel as if it’s slipping through my fingers.

any advice?

I don’t think it’s heartless to be skeptical here.

The OP had been seeing this guy who lives in a different city, and who claims to be separated from his wife. But, as the OP thinks about building a future together, it turns out that his wife has cancer and he has to pull back to be there for his family.

He’s still interested in phone sex and the occasional booty call.

I know the wife dying of cancer story is extremely emotive… but I think it’s a very good idea that the OP ponders whether she’s, in fact, been the OW all along. And that he’s using this story to make her feel guilty for asking anything of him.

I think it’s a very good idea that the OP ponders whether she’s, in fact, been the OW all along.

Yep. I don't know anyone who would abandon their current relationship to run back to an EX, just because they have cancer. That crosses all sorts of lines and boundaries. Of course that's sad, and yes he as a father needs to be there for his kids, but it is absolutely not his place to run back to his ex and move back in with her, unless she has no friends in the world and no family in the world. That's where it's inappropriate. So imo he's a cheating jerk who has used the OP as disposable. At the very least, he has blurred the boundaries and is far too deeply enmeshed with someone that is part of his past. Not his present.

@JennyNotFromTheBlock I'm genuinely interested and concerned about your view points on this one, and it makes me intrigued about your own past. Just because someone is an Ex and a romantic relationship has failed, doesn't mean all your emotions for that person are just switched off. Especially if you have known them decades and have children. OPs partner is probably devastated by the news. He should not treat OP badly, but he himself is probably going through emotional turmoil right now. I just can't get my head around your black and white thinking, it's very cold.

I don't understand how you can't see how the boundaries are being blurred, and the inappropriate behaviour, @MistyBean . It's all very odd. Or maybe it is my ASD that makes me see it as black and white, but I don't think so and I don't use it as an excuse.
Of course he'd be upset, but they are EXES. Is there something about that, that people cannot understand? Am I speaking Sanscrit? Caring is natural. Being devastated for your children who will lose their mum, is natural. What is not natural, or normal, is running back to the ex-marital home. That is a blurring of boundaries on so many levels. Seriously, am I speaking Sanscrit or another language here? Because if not, how is it that people don't see that you can care about your EX, without running back to live with them and play happy families with them? It's like people here think it's all or nothing, that you can't care unless you run straight back to them. It IS possible to care but maintain respectful boundaries with an EX.

How many on here would abandon their current partners and run back to an EX, because they have cancer?

Hands up? Seriously, how many?

Am I speaking in another language, or do people genuinely believe if an EX gets cancer, you throw away your current partne/life family because an...... EX .

Is there something that I am missing like is there a memo that I didn't get that said exes are never actually truly exes and you are beholden to them for life? I am genuinely having a WTF moment here. I just don't get it.

I don't understand why the OP's guy gets to two-time, play happy families with his EX-wife, and also have his cake and eat it too, with the OP.

Literally no one has said that.

Playing happy families? She's dying ffs.

I think what people are saying is that exes are never truly exes, and bigamy/polyamorous relationships are ok.

Otherwise I am still wtf'ing over this celebration of the blurring of boundaries here. No matter how many different ways I think about it, and at this point I have probably spent more time thinking about it than I should, it just doesn't makes sense. I'd care if my ex got cancer of course, but I wouldn't abandon my current marriage/relationship and run straight back to an ex from my past.

You yourself are insinuating that. Otherwise, why are you defending such inappropriate behaviour?

She's dying ffs.

And that is her EXES responsibility, how???

I don't have any advice but you sound lovely OP. Your actually being very understanding IMO and only trying to work out if the situation can work for you without trying to prevent him from being there for his dc and ex

I went back and checked, and unless I've missed something, the OP has not said he's moved into the marital home.

What he will have done is moved from a part-time parent to a full-time parent with a co-parent who's not really capable of doing very much parenting. Even with teenagers that takes a lot of time.

Walk away. He’s likely in turmoil about this. You may well be his lifeline for something for himself and he may well by a relationship with you in the future

BUT there will be a lot of emotions and turmoil for him and his children during the treatment and eventual dying process of his wife, as well as afterward.

the hot/cold is not going to go away anytime soon. He’s likely battling between what he wants (you) and what he feels he needs to do (morally) towards his wife and what he needs to do towards his children.

walk away

You think it's acceptable for someone to abandon their current marriage/relationship and family to run back to an ex, someone from your past, just because they have cancer....

I think you're the one that is unwell, and has a complete lack of understanding of boundaries.

And yes, that is exactly what you are saying, so own it.

I honestly cannot believe what I am reading, forgot about the entire Ex part ( which you seem hung up on ). The guy has 2 kids, who’s mother has cancer ( and could die), this kids will need his physical and emotional support, I’m absolutely gobsmacked that you cannot see and appreciate that.
Im also out as seem to have such a black & white view of this and a seemly lack of Human compassion, it’s making me feel a bit sick

Leave this situation for your own well-being.

This man has got too much going on to dedicate any kind of meaningful time to you, as he's either supporting his EXW (which is good of him), or helping to manage the impact on their DC.

He isn't available to you emotionally or physically, and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache in ending things now.

I have REPEATEDLY said that he needs to be there for his children.

However he does not need to be there for his EX.

They are exes. Do you understand what that means?

Is it not possible to support your children as they deal with their mother's cancer, without running back to the ex, in your world? Are you so black and white that you honestly cannot see that he can support his children, without reuniting with his ex?

Can you honestly not see the distinction?

@JennyNotFromTheBlock you are exactly right, if the OP and this guy were married he wouldn’t get divorced because his ex was dying! He would be a good father to his kids and be a friend to his ex and him and his wife would deal with it as a partnership.

You can't compare the 2 situations.

If the OP and the DP were married, they would presumably have been together much longer the dc would have an existing relationship with the OP and she could be part of the support network.

OP and her DP both sound like they're doing all the right things - which doesn't include introducing his dc to the OP while they're dealing with their mum potentially dying. Also, if they'd been together for years and got married then the ex would have been well aware of her existence and it wouldn't be as raw for her as it presumably would be now

The timing is one of the things that makes this situation so hard (not that there's ever a time when this would not be awful)

now it would feel like abandoning someone I really care about at a low point in their life.

Hold on OP.
Whether you stay in this relationship/situationship or not makes no odds to the outcome to his poor ex or the devastation to his children.

He has been separated for 18 months but hasn't got a divorce.
He tried to exit the relationship with you a month ago.
He is now blowing hot & cold.
He uses you for phone sex, & occasional actual sex.

Small wonder you feel used & deflated.

I've only read your posts, but from the tone of the past few of them it seems some PP have been giving you a hard time. Pay no attention to them - they are not in your shoes.

Imagine if his ex was in the best of health.
How would you view his behaviour toward you then?
You've only been dating him a year. You don't owe him any duty of care, & you don't deserve to be treated as a booty call.

You’re right, it does feel humiliating. But I don’t know whether it’s just a point in time thing, or whether he’s now emotionally unavailable or reconsidering his feelings for her and the family unit .
Given that he hadn't obtained a divorce, 18 months after splitting ...

It's a horrible, tragic situation for your b/f's ex, & all her family.
That situation is no reason for you to be treated as no more than a provider of sexual services.

Yes I can, but you absolutely and clearly cannot.

See? This comment alone says me me me. It really does.

my dear @LTFxx i know you’ve said you’re leaving the thread but this man has been in your life for a few months - and you don’t even live locally to each other - so how many times/how much time have you actually spent together?
I ask this because it’s so very easy for us to let our heads run away with us and creating a relationship from phone calls and texts that is deeper in our imagination than it is in reality/his head.

I do think you need to back off, something isn’t right here and he did try to breakup with you. You know he did. So head high, convey your sympathy and give him all the space needed. Let him be the one to set the pace - or not - and be clear that while you’ll lick your wounds for a while, you wont be “waiting for him”.

if he’s invested he’ll make the effort. But you leave the ball in his court and don’t contact him. If he wants it, he has to work for it.

@garden12 i think that’s my point though, if they were more established I don’t think people would calling her selfish! Which clearly shows his actions aren’t just about the fact he’s being a good dad and a good friend to the ex. It’s that his relationship isn’t established enough yet and that he isn’t quite over his ex wife. If his relationship was well and truly done with his ex and the OP was the one he saw him spending his life with, then I don’t think he would be acting as he has been. Yes he would be upset about his ex and yes he wouldn’t be as available as he would be being a good dad to his kids but he wouldn’t be making the OP feel as she is. I do think the OP should end this but I’m just saying I don’t think it’s normal behaviour to have to end a current relationship if an ex is dying. UNLESS there’s still romantic feelings there for the ex or conflicted feelings for the ex. Which is why the OP feels as she does; from what I have read she’s not saying this guy shouldn’t be there for his wife or kids. She’s just saying she feels him distancing and feels a bit used.

@MzHz yes of course her being heartbroken after investing a year with someone she really loves is completely selfish 🙄