Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

[gianfrancogorgonzola]

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

re dgc they are at the age where they dont really comprehend the meaning behind a card.
My mum sometimes sent birthday cards and sometimes didnt , my kids were never really fussed and certainly didnt take it personally!
you are really sending the card for you, to show you love them which they wont comprehend
you also have no idea if dd1 would actually give them the card anyway. And her being upset if you dont send one? Its not really to do with her children its the fact you are not showing them due fielty.

so i would really go properly nc and wait for them to come to you.

re Will’s, I’d divest as much as possible to dd2/3 over the next years so you can split what remains equally so it doesnt cause a rift.
Also it doesn’t help to compare lifestyles. DD1 might genuinely despise the idea of cosy middle class bliss. Maybe she is more Barbara than Margo!

Don't use your will as a weapon. You'll be dead, but your other daughters will be the ones having to deal with the fallout of it. That isn't fair to them. Plus I wouldn't trust DD1 to not take her sisters to court over an unfair will. Just split their inheritance into thirds, then split one of those thirds between DD1 and the grandchildren. Appoint unrelated people to manage the DGC's Trusts. Again, it wouldn't be very fair to leave that responsibility to your other daughters. They deserve to be free of their toxic sister.

In the nicest way, you need to start listening to the many posters who point out that DD1 is very happy in her chosen way of life. Certainly LB is a crockful of personality disorders but she sounds to me, as if she enjoys finding as many ways to hurt you as possible. She is no better, I know that sounds harsh but at least consider that. However you choose to manage the relationship can only ever be wrong, by default.

Imagine you had no wealth to leave. What impact would that have on the situation? Your perceived wealth seems to be a huge factor in all of this. The idea of including them in the will if they play nice is awful. Another poster suggested a set amount for DD and a trust for DGC and be done with it - very good advice. Everything else split between the other daughters who are kind and loving.

Thank you everyone. I needed some impartiality and sanity injected into the situation, which you have given to me - thank you!

I am not going to alter my will, which I haven't discussed with my DC, but which provides for a three way split between each family. I was just feeling angry and wanting to lash out because I feel very hurt. 'Tomorrow is another day'

Also, it's what DH and I agreed so would feel very wrong to go against that. Thank you for being the voice of sanity!

We are all united in your support, in this sad but not uncommon story OP, and you can post as much as you like.

It can really help to put order to your thoughts as you ponder each word as you write.

I believe whatever you do, your daughter will create her own narrative, with or without LB.

Her sisters have taken a back step yet still she enquires about cards for her children, choosing to remain conveniently obtuse and oblivious to the pain she has caused them.

I really respect their conviction in their position.

IMO, if you honour her request and cease all contact, as time goes on, I believe she will be irked and will go back to that final email she sent.

In time, despite her fury and resentment of you, SHE may realise that all you are doing is following HER unambiguous instruction.

LB will not like uncertainty regarding her inheritance, and despite my distaste for mentioning this, sadly I do believe it will inform their behaviour over the coming years.

In your place I would consider diverting the monies to your grandchildren to receive on their 30th birthdays.

Taking the time to discuss with your DD2&3, your desire to provide a nominal amount to be held in trust for your daughter 1, should she come for help from them before your bequest to your grandchildren is actioned.

These monies can revert to her children should she remain with LB.

They have substantial funds, or rather he has control of their money.

I have zero doubt that any monies left directly to your daughter 1, in the next few years would be coercively taken by LB, effectively lost.

Far better IMO for these monies to be kept for your grandchildren upon reaching 30.

Good legal advice is key.

My belief is that LB will try and control his children as they grow.

Providing them with some funding to help improve their lives as adults would be a wonderful gesture.

Perhaps home schooling will work out, but I wonder will LB fund university education in an expensive country like Ireland, lovely and all as it undoubtedly is.

Take your time to tease things out.

Also, in your place, your other two daughters may need your greater financial support into the future, and that is not unreasonable to prioritise too.

Lots for you to think about but try not to be overwhelmed.

Wishing you well.

Remember IMO you may still honour the 3 way split by diverting the monies to your grandchildren.

I don't think your DH would object knowing that you felt its best use was out of LB's clutches.

What a piece of work she is. Don’t send anything for birthdays!! And definitely don’t do the forced contact for inheritance idea! I would actually write her out now. I would. Why should she get anything from you when she’s SO cruel?

Ensure the will is iron tight.

She will not be happy about the will regardless of its contents and will kick off at her sisters. This is all to do with her misdirection of blame, anger and accountability.

Leave DD1 a small nominal amount and the rest of her third directly to the DC on each of their 30th birthdays.

Like with contact you are damned if you do and damned if you aren't.

I think it's fine for you to send a birthday card and t-shirt/book/token gift to the each DGD for their birthdays. DD1 doesn't want communication and if she doesn't want the DC to have gifts she'll soon let you know but for now send them something because reviving post is exciting as a child!

Thinking on this though, gifts have always always been used against you. Not good enough/too much - a constant push pull where the rules are changed without you knowing if.

So don't, drop the rope on gifts. Take her at her word.

Ps, I notice this is nearly full. Not sure if you want a new thread Chopin.

I remember you mentioned what when you contacted lb’s parents they said they had told DD1 to email you - that was almost certainly because the pregnancy. You set up a will trust for the gc which is sensible so no need to change anything.

could you think of going totally no contact until 1st Jan, 6 months and see how you feel, if it gives you some clarity of thought?

I have commented before on your previous threads @ChopinanChampagne

She has contacted you after these many months to see how high you will jump, especially announcing a new pregnancy. She knew doing this would hurt you and this has had this effect, where you are wondering about sending a card to your grandchild.

Please don’t. She’s asked you not to contact her, so don’t. She doesn’t hold a good opinion about you now, so does it matter if this is made worse by sending a card?

You have two other daughters, that need your help. These daughters are kind and supportive to you. Focus on them and go on another adventure.

I understand how sad it is that you have grandchildren that you don’t see nor have a relationship with. But that’s not on you, it’s on them.

You have tried to make it work, but it’s always conditional and controlled by them!

I would continue to send cards and possibly small gifts for the GC's birthdays. Your DD asked you not to respond to the email, rather than asking for no contact at all. Of course, it is entirely possible that she will be so incensed by your lack of response to the email (even though you would be respecting her wishes by not answering) that she will lash out again at any acknowledgement of the grandchildren. But in your shoes, I think I would want to maintain some connection to the GC, if only via birthday cards.

OTOH, I can imagine that doing so could be even more painful for you than cutting ties altogether. It's a situation where there are no good options, unfortunately.

University in Ireland isn't as expensive as in the UK. Costs per year are split between fees and student contribution. Everyone is entitled to a free degree so fees are waived for a 1st degree. The student contribution is currently €3000 pa. Depending on income, no. of children (particularly the number going through 3rd level) etc, some or all of this might be funded by the SUSI grant.

Agree with @billy1966 as regards your will.

I wouldn't send anything for the birthdays or anything else. You need to do what she has said she wants, imo. No contact, basically.

I am really sorry that this is continuing like this and I know it is a dreadful situation for you.

I have read all this thread today !!!
What a "bag of worms" as they say here where I live.
I would just like to add that it is likely, as we said threads ago, that LB has DD1's phone, he can send messages without her knowledge, you can send messages by WhatsApp & then delete later. (Personally I would stop paying for the phone. they have plenty of money to pay their own contract.)
I would send her a registered letter, tell her that you are stopping the contract as you believe its LB that is replying & that she does not have free access to a contact you pay for, they have had loads of money over the last few years from you, they can afford a phone should she want to speak she can write. at least there is a chance, without any guarantee, she will be the author.
Your other girls said she mimics her current partner, & you have said that in messages it's "straight out of LB's mouth".
She is obviously in the thrall of an abusive relationship.
He has got her into a religion, (no judgement intended) so he can inseminate her, & keep her clawed to the crib.
In view of your recent analysis that she is on the spectrum, along with many of the family relations, she may not be unable to unravel this.

I am not defending her, but I'm convinced she is 100% manipulated
I think the best plan is to divide the inheritance in 3, & leave her a nominal sum & put the rest in trust for DCs till 30 years old , with a clause (which my Mum did) to unblock for university fees, or a deposit for a house, explicitly for the policy holder, & not to be accessed by their parents.
Remembering she may go on to have many more DC sadly.
I know what I write here is painful, but only She can break away, & you need to stop feeding the monster. stop the presents, stop trying to contact her, stop apologizing. The conversation giving her a few home truths was essential. She needed to hear it.

Meanwhile please shower your love on your loving daughters DD2+3, I think you should also talk to them about the inheritance, I do not believe they would want you to keep them in the dark.

@ChopinanChampagne you may want to send cards and gifts to your dgc, but realistically - will they actually receive them? It’s perfectly feasible that anything you send will be ‘intercepted’ before the child gets it. As pp have said, if you do as dd1 asks, and don’t reply, send nothing, drop the rope, and I bet you anything she will come crawling ‘back’ in one way or another, within a year. Not that that is any help to you, as she pins you like a butterfly - but with a dagger to your heart. That latest message is an absolute shocker, sent by someone with ice where empathy should be.

Is this a name change fail. Confused

What do you mean? I started the thread asking about Chopin and she subsequently replied.

Oh Chopin this is not a surprise really, I remember on an earlier thread someone talking about spousal abuse by keeping wives/partners pregnant. There are definite forms of abuse from LB to her but she also in turn abuses you in some terribly emotionally manipulative ways specifically intending to cause you distress and upset whilst knowing you had lost DH. There are no excuses, no mitigation for this.

The same advice all still stands, which I see previous and new posters advising.

Drop the rope, this is your only real option for your own sanity and emotional well-being, as well as that of your family around you who actually care for you

Do not send a gift, there is nothing that would be right and historically, you know whatever you send, however well intentioned, it is rejected and used as a weapon back at you

Do as she has specifically asked, do not contact her or the family. Any contact, I would wager even a well intentioned birthday card, will be used as 'evidence' of your terrible behaviour, not listening to her specific request and causing her distress when she's pregnant (and likely scaled as in some sort of risk like I think she was in last pregnancy?)

With the will, you would not want pay per view type arrangements and knowing they are only visiting to 'tick' that box, that would feel even worse than nothing. Agree 3 way split, DD1's also split with DGC in trust until 30. I think you're also using solicitor as executor, which is sensible as DD1 and LB would have no issue harassing DD2 DD3 for money so I would not leave them with that burden, let a solicitor deal with it all. I wouldn't do a separate pot 'just in case' she leaves him, I imagine its complicated and how would they be evidenced to a solicitor, just split 3 ways and it's done, DD1 has clearly made her own choices and by putting £ in trusts for DGC you have protected the money as much as possible from LB.

Thank you Suzysuz and everyone else for your continuing kindness and support on this thread, which will shortly be at an end. Thank you also to gianfrancogorgonzola for starting it, and to all of my other friends who have commented, for that is how I see you - as friends. I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate you.

I hope you all have a wonderful day, however you are spending it!

So sorry. My mistake

I have been on all your threads. I knew he would get her pregnant again - and this will continue. I have a cousin who has been abused in this way.

I do believe it's two things. She is being abused and she is abusing you. It's like dominoes.

In many ways your involvement is inadvertently enabling LB - you are part of the energy in the system. She cannot rail at him - so she projects at you - to release her despair.

Each time this gives her enough emotional release to stay with him.

Stay away 100% for years and the energy in the system will back up and ultimately collapse. I have been through similar and this what happens. You are the scapegoat - step aside.

Drop the rope.

I wish @ChopinanChampagne nothing but the best

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