Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

[gianfrancogorgonzola]

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

I don't think DD1 is entirely a victim here of LB. She's been very cruel to Chopin at various points.

It's hard trying to find answers and an explanation for things.

Sometimes you just have to try and accept a situation for what it is sadly.

Keep on putting one foot infront of the other.

I agree @SquishyGloopyBum - often these reflections / considerations fall in the category of:

‘explains it but doesn’t excuse it’

when it comes to behaviour around any MH or ND context and maybe C&C is again looking to for reasons as to why her DD1 is in this situation.

Your description of DD1's life sends a shiver down my spine @ChopinanChampagne - it's just not what we want for our children. It feels positive that she is reaching out to DD2 & to her friend though...

Its LB controlling her😒

Thank you everyone and, in response to legospringqueen and Castleontheisland - I do think that it is LB controlling her but that it is positive that she has reached out to DD2 and her former best friend, although I fear that she may have left it too late. And I worry about her and her isolation and also about the DGC.

Having said that, I still feel angry - about her previous treatment of DH, me, her DGM, her sisters etc. I had a therapy session today with my new therapist who was understanding and is making me feel that it is ok to be angry. I have tried to avoid it, as being angry disturbs my equilibrium, without altering the situation. But if I don't let it out, then it eats away at me and I can see that's not healthy. We also spoke about trust and power in relationships.

In the meantime, and on a more positive note, I went to France a couple of months ago, with a view to putting my house on the market. The first day, I went to lunch to a restaurant which I never usually visit, which has the same name as the 'pet' name I had for DH. I just felt oddly drawn to go in. Just as I was finishing my meal, two men came to sit at the next table, father and son. We got talking, they had come out from England to look for a holiday home for the family. They came to view the chalet and fell in love with it and - touch wood - are now buying it; draft contracts have been drawn up. They went out again over the weekend with the family and seem as keen as ever, speaking of serendipity and the stars being aligned etc. It certainly felt like that to me and I am convinced that DH has been helping behind the scenes 😂!

So, all being well, and given that the notaire is happy that DH's share passes to me under the terms of his will, the property should be sold and the monies transferred back to the UK over the next couple of months. Which would be amazing and one less thing to worry about.

But it also raises new dilemmas - about the terms of my will, who inherits what and should DD1 and DGC inherit at all. I confessed to my therapist that this is the only power I feel I have, but I don't want to abuse it. Also, the DGC are innocent in all this, and what if DD1 needs money for an escape route later. But I really, really don't want LB getting a penny of what DH and I worked for. I know that it won't be my problem, but all these deaths including, most recently, that of my dog, have made me aware of my own mortality and the need to leave my affairs in order.

How much can you trust your other children? Can you leave all your estate to them and ask them to help your DD2 if she needs it at a later date?

Money seems to corrupt DD2 and LB too much as it is. I wouldn't want to give them any more. They don't care about you or the rest of the family and don't act as though you are family.

I have followed all of your threads @ChopinanChampagne and what a woman you are 💐
Look, she will never leave him and what will become of your dgd's growing up in this environment? You may find it's them that reach out to you the older they get. Though I don't know with them being so isolated.
I wouldnt leave them a penny. You cannot line LB's pockets with yours and your DH's hard earned money. Your DD and dgd's will not see a penny of it and you know this. I would be writing a watertight will to ensure this too. Perhaps you could leave a decent amount in trust for you dgd's? I would ensure my other two dd's were as looked after as possible. Again, your DD and grandchildren will not benefit in any way, you might as well burn the money.
I really do wish you peace and happiness, I wish I had a magic wand to take away your pain.

Why not speak to DC2 and DC3 about holding an amount for DD1 in the event she needs it for an escape plan. Don't let DD1 know about this money, otherwise she'll want it, or LB will want it and DC2 & 3 won't get a moments a peace. But they can choose to help her out if she does need it in an emergency. If not, the money passes to their children (your DGC) in the event of their death.

Or you could leave all your assets to DC2 & 3, and they leave a % to DD1's dc upon their death. Hopefully by that time the DGC will be adults, and not under the influence for DD1 or LB.

It puts an amount of trust on mot your other DC, but it's the only way I can see that you can leave something to your DGC (DD1's DC) without it being at risk of DD1 and LB

How about setting up a trust for the dgc’s to pay out on their 30 birthday. I don’t believe she will leave lb any time soon although reading your threads I do wonder if she will snap one day as I fear she must also be suppressing many emotions on a daily basis.

I think mention was made earlier in the thread about leaving money for GC in a trust to be accessed when they're 30. I think some people said 25, but 30 is probably better for them to be less under the influence of their father and hopefully less likely to give him any. Of course, you could put stipulations like none of the money is to benefit him in any way. That's what I'd do, but you're far nicer than me!

Wills can be changed, so if your daughter leaves him at any point, or other things as yet unknown happen, then you can easily change your will to reflect that.

I'd also be inclined to put money for her in trust. Maybe to be accessed 10 years after your death. Yes, LB will get his hands on it, but he'll have an aneurism in the intervening years knowing it's there but that he can't get at it!

Chopin, you might live another 30+ years!
The best is probably as mentioned a trust that the children get when they are 30 but I you can rest assured that LB would constantly trying to break it.
DD1 wont leave LB so any money she gets goes straight to him.

My friend was an only child and when her Mum died, she was left a substantial amount, the money was in a trust that her Dad was the executer for. When she got to the age she was entitled to the money, she found out her Dad had spent the entire amount, over £200'000! So I'd be very careful with who is the executor for any money left to the DGC. Also I'd not tell them either, as LB will likely have his eyes on it and manipulate his own DC for the money, even as adults if he knows he can gain financially from them. Look at what he tried to do with Chopin and money for a deposit

This is the best update I have ever read. Have often wondered how things were and am so glad you have a relationship with your daughter again. Lot to think about for the future and your peace of mind.

You may wish to read the whole thread. It is more difficult as Chopin isn’t the op but things deteriorated at Christmas

Thank you everyone for your kind and supportive posts and my apologies for the delay in replying, but I have been away for a week staying with a friend in France.

I am not sure what do and, realistically I should probably take professional advice. Potentially, the 3 x DDs each stand to inherit up to a seven figure sum, especially if I 'pop my clogs' in the next year, before the life policy expires! (But there will be a lot of tax to pay!!) I know I could live another 30 years, in theory, but the females on my side of the family are not long lived :). I am doing better than my DM and DGM, who both died at 62, and I am not aware of any pressing health issues, but I need be putting arrangements in place and ideally giving money away.

It is sad that I can't discuss this with DD1 or trust her to be an executor. This complete cutting off of contact is hard to deal with. DD2 and DD3 don't even have her address, so what if I do become ill - does she want to know? Or if I die - does she want to know/come to my funeral? And what if she and the DGDs need to escape from LB at some stage? I just need to put arrangements in place and then forget about it, but how can you do this if there is not even the most basic communication?

I messaged LB's DP a few days ago to ask if they had been able to visit and deliver the Christmas presents etc. They sent me a lovely, friendly reply, saying that they went last week for a few days and that they had asked DD1 to contact me - which was above and beyond the call of duty - but she has taken no notice anyway. For them, it would have been nearly a year since they saw the DGC. I think they realise now that it is quite difficult for me and are sympathetic. They probably actually think it's all DD1's fault, on the basis that it is easier to blame her, she does not speak to her own family, and that they had a reasonable relationship with their son previously. But that's just speculation on my part.

Have a lovely weekend everyone!

I think professional advice is the only option, Chopin. But I think you're worrying unnecessarily about how DD2 and DD3 would get in touch with her - they have each other's numbers, as evidenced by her reaching out to DD2 recently. You may want to set up LPOA and some 'in case of emergency' instructions as well? It's not your job to find out whether she wants to know if you're ill or not, that can be sorted out at the time. DD2 can text and say you're not well, does she want any more information. These are her choices, not yours to worry about.

The matter of an escape fund is different, although it's very hard to see how you could make her aware that it existed without LB forcing her to pretend to leave him so the funds were released, and then mysteriously 'reconciling' straight afterwards (and I do think when she finally does leave him, she may go back several times).

Again, I would take advice on this and discuss it openly with DD2 and DD3. Is there a neutral third party, like a family friend or similar, who could perhaps act as the gatekeeper to the escape fund?

(and I do think when she finally does leave him, she may go back several times).

My understanding is that it takes an average of SEVEN attempts of back and forth before and abused woman leaves for the final time.

Hi Chopin,

its worth doing some estate planning.
if dd1 inherited a million before tax then lb would control the lot as you know and it would not be used to benefit dd1 or grandchildren so in a way it makes little difference whether she inherits or not

its a difficult one to navigate but trusts for gc is probably the way to go

100% good professional advice is called for in this context to ensure grabby LB does not steal his wife's or children's inheritance.
It needs to be watertight but you know that @ChopinanChampagne having worked in the legal world.

Is it really that wrong to consider completely disinheriting her and her children? On Mumsnet you often see comments about how people behaviour is showing you who they are. DD1s behaviour is horrible, she has been nasty and cruel to Chopin and to Chopins husband before he died. She has behaved like this for years now. She doesn't want Chopin to have any relationship with her children. She is actively choosing to behave like this because she doesn't care about Chopin or her sisters. Surely there has to come a point where family ties become irrelevant.

If I was Chopin I'd seriously consider leaving everything to the other two daughters.

I know this sounds harsh but DD1s behaviour is brutal.

I've name changed but have followed and occasionally posted on Chopin's threads. My family has a story with many similarities to Chopin's. I am the sibling of the person who more or less deleted the rest of the family from their life due to the control and influence of their spouse. My parents saw their grandchildren perhaps half a dozen times over a period of more than 20 years. I have only once met my nephews and nieces.

My parents have both recently died. In both their wills they disinherited my sibling. However in the final hours of their lives they asked me to give my sibling a share of the estate, which I then did through a Deed to vary the Will.

I'm posting my story as food for thought. And to show how one family's story ended up.

I should say that my sibling was utterly furious at being disinterested and what then initially ensued was probably worse than the death of my parents. I did however keep my word to my dying parents and gave a share to my sibling. I've often wondered if I would have given a share to my sibling if my parents hadn't requested it, but I honestly can't find an answer.

I wish you well Chopin in your deliberations.

Just pondering really but would there be a way that you could leave property eg a flat in trust to your grandchildren but give your daughter a life time interest so that she would have a safe 'escape' should she ever leave him, and stipulate that she could only live there alone/with her children/after divorce, etc? I have no idea if that's possible?

Actually this might work, if you bought a property set up the trust with dd1 having the right to live there if she needs a bolt hole should she leave lb, but on her death it reverts to her dc unencumbered. If you buy it in a sensible area it could be run professionally, a company could do that, as an Airbnb to fund the upkeep and any residual income could remain in trust to cover the dgc educational need’s should they want to go to university and being Airbnb and not long term rental it’s easy to vacate should she ever need it. Set a Solicitor as trustees so dd2 and dd3 are never subjected to abuse from lb to try and manipulate the terms of the trust.

Far simpler for the trust just to be money invested but sone could be advanced for a rental if needed.

As rental may need to be in Ireland near the father got custody reasons.

I would leave her a fixed sum (say £100k if it was to be £1m). Rest to her kids at 30.

Sorry to that that, @TurbulentWaters
Did receiving the part of the estate make any difference to your sibling, either in terms of financial security or attitude? I understand if you'd rather not get into it.