Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

[gianfrancogorgonzola]

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

@NatalieIsFreezing
I suppose my rationale for posting this is to highlight the need to think carefully about any potential impact on the people you leave behind when you are gone. My parents were wonderful people and did not in any way deserve what came their way. They left statements in their Wills as to why my sibling was disinherited and also a letter. I never showed this to my sibling.

As I said my sibling was beyond furious. And this all poured out on me. In the midst of huge grief I had to deal with this and ultimately make a decision as to whether to share the estate.

It's a strange thing to give a huge financial gift to someone who more or less deleted their family from their life. They are grateful for the money. But it is all far, far too late.

@TurbulentWaters - so your sibling was furious at being disinherited, but not remorseful at the way they’d treated your parents or yourself? (And that they’d denied their children relationships with grandparents and aunts etc) Sounds like the reaction @ChopinanChampagne ‘s daughter would have were she to be disinherited.

@goody2shooz

I think you are right that Chopin's DD1 would react in a similar way. I think for her (and for my sibling) it would be validation that they were right about the parents all along. I think that's how they would see it.

‘Oh would someone the giftie gie us, Rae see oorsells as others see us’ the old Scots version of ‘ some self reflection is called for’…..but will never happen!

If OPs DD1 wasn't disinherited she would also turn that into a negative. She will twist things to make the OP look like a wicked mother regardless of the facts. The OPs daughter has behaved appallingly. The OP could leave her all the money in the world and it won't change how the OP views her mother.

The only reason for the OP to leave anything to her eldest daughter is because she might feel better if she does. It wouldn't be a logical thing to do but it would be understandable.

The poster that said that it's worthwhile thinking about the effect of disinheriting someone on the siblings makes a good point but I'm sure you could flip this argument on it's head. Imagine that you are one of OPs other daughters who are going through life supporting the OP and watching how cruelly their sister has behaved towards both their parents. I'd struggle to ever forgive that and if I was one of the siblings i'd resent every penny left to DD1 and Lobster Boy.

Thank you so much for our replies. I haven't really decided what do yet. In the meantime, I have received the following email from DD1

Hello Mum,

I received your email a few weeks ago. I am sorry to hear of T. I know you were very fond of him. He was a good dog and I expect you miss his presence in the home.

Thank you for forwarding the parcels to V and D after Christmas. I received them last month. I appreciate you doing that.

I wanted to let you know that LB and I are expecting another baby, a boy, due in September.

I would prefer if you didn't respond to my email. I just wanted to share the news with you.

DD1

I don't know what to say, I don't think there is any more to say....

Goodness me. I wish I could give you a bloody big hug @ChopinanChampagne

To send you such big news (though not all that surprising I suppose as LB definitely wants to keep her vulnerable and pregnancy / newborns are the ideal way to do that) but place the demand on you to not reply is so cruel.

You cannot win here. If you do reply, you'll be told you've overstepped boundaries. And if you don't, I'm sure she and LB will say you didn't care enough to reply... and conveniently forget they told you not to.

I really think that dropping the rope is all that can be done now. It's heartbreaking but as others have said, whatever the relationship dynamic is at their end, she is continuing to torture you with these sort of manipulative exchanges that make it impossible for you to do anything right in their eyes.

Sending you lots of love and for what it's worth, I think you sound like a lovely mum.

That’s interesting timing, would she just about have found out she was pregnant when she started being a bitch at Christmas?

Oh Chopin I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine how you are feeling. What should be good news is wrapped in such coldness.

Sending you so much love.

Please put dd1's 'share' in a family trust. Make your other dd's (or professionals) trustees and make sure he has no control over access for them.

They've already re written any positive intentions you had into negative so you may as well. I imagine you will find it quite freeing too.

But gosh. I hate what they are doing to you.

Just love and hugs that was a cruel message.

Your DD's cruelty is breathtaking. I agree with PPs that at this point the only option is to drop the rope. But you must be experiencing overwhelming pain. I'm so sorry.

As for your will, I have no idea what would be for the best. My parents were scrupulously fair to my siblings and me, everything equally divided. And yet my (selfish) siblings want more than their share. Based on my own experience, I would imagine that whatever you choose to do WRT inheritance, your DD1 will not be happy and may do everything in her power to challenge things.

I think I'd have nothing more to do with the DD. It's so cruel and twisted the way she deals with Chopin, it's not indifference or thoughtlessness it pure evilness. She must actively want to make Chopin suffer.

I think the OP should 'cut her off' - if at some point in the future the DD comes back and apologizes then the OP can think again but for now I would completely cut her off. Including wills.

I think it will be the least upsetting option for the OP. These threads have been going on for years. Nothings changed. The OP has tried and tried but nothing has changed.

OP, you should concert rate on your other children. BTW what do they think of the email? You shouldn't keep it secret unless you really want to.

She probably just wants you to know about the new baby so you can write him into your will.

Oh gosh @ChopinandChampagne.
That's a bombshell.
There's not much you can do. If you reach out to her it's wrong- she asked you not to.
If you don't reach out to her he'll probably tell her you don't care 🙄

Will that be 4 children under 5 living frugally on a smallholding in the west of Ireland - well, west of the River Shannon ?

Hopefully the neighbours will keep an eye out for LB's wife and children.
I think she's a lost cause presently but hopefully in time the scales will fall from her eyes.
Although she herself has form for not treating others kindly in her past.
I used to pity her but as your threads revealed more, I now pity not her but your grandchildren.
But they know no different life and hopefully are happy.

I actually think this is a calculated move to keep you on the hook for more money and more manipulation. Sorry to say that but I think it's true.

With the GC, you were always buying things or providing support. Now you've taken a step back, DD is trying to hoover you back in on her terms. Make you feel sad and desperate, but control the flow of communication to maximum effect. This is abusive behaviour.

You've always blamed LB, but your DD knows exactly what she is doing and if you didn't believe that before, now you can see she is trying to do it all over again. That's not the action of someone controlled by another and its not ASD, its a calculation of her part and its time you really processed that. She is chosing this behaviour.

It's time to drop the rope and really accept who she is. Take a deep breath and know you've done all you can, time to focus on your other children.

'God give me the serenity to accept things which cannot be changed; Give me courage to change things which must be changed; And the wisdom to distinguish one from the other'.

No advice but sending you a handhold

Yeah, there is NO WAY this can be twisted as anything other than deliberately cruel. That's an understatement but I can't really type what I want to as I know you love her anyway, Chopin...

You didn't even get time for a minute of joy about the new grandchild without her deliberately grinding it into a punishment. I really feel for you.

Do nothing.

You have to consider she only told you because V and D will know.

Either way she is as despicable as LB and they are well matched. You blame LB for how things have turned out and V and D probably blame you for how things are now. Divide and rule.

however be prepared once v and d’s dd has children they will cut the rope so dd1 will reel you in again.

I think she wants you to reply very much but she has to ensure that you will be in the wrong if you do so. As others have said, the only thing to do is not reply.

She's made sure you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. So sorry, but this sounds like a an attempt to hurt and keep you hurting. If she truely didn't want anything to do with you she'd not have told you, if she cared, or had any thought to your feelings she'd not have put 'don't respond'

She is a narcissist, her message designed to hurt and keep you focused on her whilst being as cruel as possible. My ex was a narc and this is exactly the shit he'd pull with me. Put me in an impossible situation whilst causing maximum hurt and damage and walking away. I put money on the fact she'll reappear at Xmas, dangle the new baby in front of you, only to whip him away and use him as a weapon to either enable money out of you, and if you don't comply she'll remove herself and your dgc again. It's this constant 'push/pull' cycle that keeps you hanging and stopping you healing.

That's very cruel & I feel so sad for you @ChopinanChampagne sending unmumsnetty hugs. Please focus on your other DDs.

Oh my gosh @ChopinanChampagne

That's awful. So sad, in so many ways. How she keeps tying herself further to him, and isolating you & her sisters. I don't think you can do anything nor should you reply.

It's so cruel & so sad 💐

Like @NatalieIsFreezing, I too can't type what I want to about your D1 "as I know you love her anyway".

But, by her actions she's really not worthy of that love.

On your first thread I was so sorry for that poor girl, looking like she was under the coercive control of a malign influencer.
Not any more.
She had form.

Chopin, I have read your previous threads although never commented before. Huge sympathy and hugs for you. I really hope you can speak with both your therapist and perhaps a close friend about this IRL. Regardless of the difficult and damaging behaviour, she is your daughter and I'm sure it must break your heart to know she will be going through another pregnancy and birth estranged from you. Although she has behaved terribly and it is cruel to share this news while pushing you away, she is undoubtedly very vulnerable. Knowing how tricky her last birth was you must be full of concern. Here's hoping she can get support from someone other than LB to help her through.