Where is ChopinandChampagne? LB update?

[gianfrancogorgonzola]

Really hope you see this C&C, I was following your other threads (name change a lot) and wanted to check in to see how you are.

🙏🏼

Gosh I gasped at that message. That's a dagger to the heart. ☹️

I agree. But she only wants Chopin to reply so that she can start the whole, "You're wrong." thing all over again and have her apologising and grovelling.

Which I hope Chopin won't do.

LB will panic at no response, no response means no money/expensive goods, and I think Chopin will find DD will be back in touch soon enough...

I agree with this and also with @BadNomad, that she wants to ensure your will includes all her children.

Her sisters have rightly chosen not to respond to her, so she has decided that the cycle needs to start again, with you constantly wrong footed.

I understand that you have huge difficulty for believing she is who she has clearly shown herself to be.

Dropping the rope and praying for acceptance of what you cannot change whilst enjoying your other daughters is the best use of your time.

Wishing you strength.

I think I'd have to block her now for my own mental health.

I think so too. Otherwise Chopin will just be waiting until the next bombshell and waiting to see if the next bombshell is going to throw her another little morsel to tempt her into thinking things might be improving.

I think I'd block her from everything and I'd tell close family. I'd disinherit her and the grandchildren too. They will be total strangers to Chopin. If they are told about her it will be bad things. I'd rather leave any money to the other daughters, friends children or to charity,

"I would prefer if you didn't respond to my email". So heartless and cold, probably so calculated. I think you have to write them off for now, this latest revelation is just too much.

Step right back, concentrate on all the other good people in your life. Not too late for new friends and new adventures either. There's only so much energy you can give to one subject and your DD1 and LB will have to remain one of life's unsolvable mysteries for now.

How are you feeling now it’s been a couple of days @ChopinandChampagne @ChopinanChampagne

Thank you everyone for your kindness and support. It's just like having a recurrent nightmare, except I never wake up from it. Another DGC whom I am mourning before he is even born. Five souls lost to me. Sorry, that sounds melodramatic doesn't it?

But I also worry about DD1 and the effect all these pregnancies - 4 in 5 years - will be having on her body. The fact that she is isolated and without support. The fact that LB doesn't want her to have anyone in her life but him and the children. The fact that the DGC are growing up in such isolation and in what has become a base of religious fundamentalism. What if she has embraced Catholicism to the extent where she doesn't take contraception and just keeps having more and more children? The fact that the nearest hospital is an hour away - what if it's another life threatening pregnancy/birth? The cold, dampness and isolation of the house. The fact that DD doesn't seem to have any original thoughts of her own. So many, many things. And I feel so, so helpless.

It's DGD1's birthday next week and I don't even know whether or not I should send a card. It seems petty not to, but on the other hand, if there is to be NC/radio silence on their part, should I be sending anything? And why not just send it and stop thinking about it? It's not DGD1's fault. All of these DC are my DGC, whether or not they know me, my flesh and blood and DH's flesh and blood. What if DGS2 shares DH's birthday (he was born in September)?

I know that I need to detach, focus on my other DDs and other things in my life. And sometimes I can, like my past life with DH and the family was just a dream, that it never really happened. Perhaps it didn't.

Regarding inheritance, the thoughts keep swirling round in my mind and I am not sure what to do. Ironically, I had taken out life insurance the day before I received the email from DD1, in order to cover some or all of the IHT, to free up more for my beneficiaries.

As I think I have previously said, DD2 and DD3 have recently (since DH died) been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and, although both very academically bright, struggle with everyday life, to the extent where I worry that they will ever be able to work. DD2 has just been turned down for PIP for the second time, which is causing her huge anxiety. My priority must be to ensure that they are provided for.

On the other hand, I still love DD1 of course, and hate the thought of her and the DGC being trapped. They may all need financial support to escape in the future. I am still so cross with myself for throwing away all that I had painstakingly built up in rebuilding the relationship but, even at its best, I found it difficult for the reasons which I have set out in this and previous threads. There was no spontaneity, a fear of saying anything incase LB were to be offended and I were to be cut off again. Everything was always on his terms. In the end, the tension built to the extent where I just 'blew'. Maybe I wanted it to end - jump before I was pushed, I don't know. But now I am in the wilderness again.

The most charitable interpretation is that she has, amidst all the heartache, finally taken one thing on board – that cutting you and her dad out of the pregnancy and birth of DGC1 back then was beyond the pale. She can't admit it exactly but she knows making that same mistake again would be fatal. Is this her way of acknowledging her past mistake, especially because of the unforeseen consequences of losing time with her dad? It may have sunken in that you cannot necessarily pick people back up a couple of years later whenever your current stresses have abated, as they may not be there.

This is not to ignore the cruelty. More devil's advocate really as I know you won't rest until you've considered all angles.

I would send DGD1 a card and a book. Nothing extravagant, no money or letters, just love from Granny. And same for the other birthdays.

oh that email is hard to respond to. It’s so constructed to evoke a direct response which in itself is horrible.

I agree with PP that she really wants you to reply, but is setting it up for you to be in the wrong by replying and thus securing her position of power.

I think you have to always do what makes you feel best and most comfortable and as a mother I would reply… the way I wanted to and just keep it simple. Her imposed rule to not reply is abusive and controlling and at the end of the day… she started communication and communication is two way not one way.

throw all your love and energy and resources into supporting your other two daughters who wholeheartedly appreciate and need it. Don’t worry about the inheritance, earmark a small amount for her so avoid future drama, leave a small amount eith your other two for her in case she needs a bolt house fund. And enjoy the time you have with people who are less complicated and abusive.

it’s hurrendous to live under this, I relate hard and the mere thought of feeling like that again knocks me sick so I can imagine how u feel. Develop habits where you daily/weekly allow yourself to feel and process the breakdown of the relationship but then refuse to let it be the narrative to tour life. Your birthed her but that doesn’t not mean you are defined by her. As a parent my hardest lesson has been to separate myself and identity from my kids and close people. I have autonomy as an individual and the power to shape my life and feelings.

keeo going, u won’t even see the progress u have made XX

In general, I believe that people should be open about inheritance and their intentions when they die - money and property can cause huge arguments, family rifts and bitterness.

I am now reconsidering an idea which I floated on here some time ago, which is that DD1 and the DGC should be among the class of potential beneficiaries, but that anyone who is estranged before my death will be excluded. It would have to be tightly drawn, but would include regular meetings (say twice a year), monthly FaceTime, the exchange of cards at birthdays, Christmas etc, and attending my funeral (unless under 18).

But then I think am I using money to be controlling (I know that I would be and it makes me look desperate) and do I actually want them to be in contact with me just for money? If they were in touch they would resent me and if they weren't in touch they would also resent me, so it's a 'no win' situation. And what if they decide they don't want to be in touch, in any event, which I suppose is what would be the correct response from a moral standpoint? Then I would think they must hate me so much that they they can't even put up with me for a few hours, even though there would be a financial reward.

On balance, I think LB would say don't contact me, because he likes to maintain power over DD1, which he is doing through the classic methods of cutting her off from family and friends and not allowing her access to money. Also, no communication with the outside world which is unmonitored. Just before we fell out, she said that she had 'emptied' her bank account and the money for the pedigree cow, which I didn't buy in the end, was to go to LB's account. I also recall that she asked me to stop her allowance after she moved in with LB which puzzled me, given that they have asked for money - but large amounts, not small amounts. Then I concluded that LB didn't want DD1 to have access to her own money, as this gave her a measure of independence.

In fact, I know that DD1 will just do what LB instructs her to do and he may well not want her or the DGC to have any potential financial independence, which makes me think that is a bad idea to exclude them entirely. DD1 would even let her DC miss out rather than go against LB's wishes. And they would hate me for it if they did see me. I can just imagine them saying to the DGC that their Granny is a poisonous old bitch, but you need to smile at her and pretend to be nice....

I was discussing this with my new therapist last week and she said that a will is a very powerful document. And of course sh is right, because the person is speaking from beyond the grave with no right of reply. I don't want to cause hurt from beyond the grave to those I love.

Everything was always on his terms.

Sorry, but after playing devil's advocate I have to swing back to the consensus of the other posters: everything was always on HER terms.

Yes he is controlling but her relationship with you IS her own and for whatever reason she has resentments that even pre-date him.

What is true is that your relationship with her will probably never be cleared up while he is on the scene - but that is her decision, not his.

Send a token gift with card for the DGD birthdays & Christmas. You may or may not be informed when DGS is born.

Inheritance - leave them a small token amount each, DD1. Paid out to each DGD when they are 25. The transfer or cheque will be in their names.

Trust DD2 & DD3 that they help them out in the future if they see a way to do so and have the means to do so (very likely they will).

You need to drop the rope.

I definitely wouldn't send anything for the dgd birthday. It will not be received well and will be used as further proof that you won't respect their wishes. Your daughter has clearly said she doesn't want you to contact her. What purpose would there be to sending something? It might make you feel better but what would it achieve? What do you think your daughter would think when she receives it? What might lobster boy say?

I think you have to completely stop contacting them. It will get easier in time. The constant hot and cold over years and years must be one of the most difficult things to deal with. I have grown children and can't imagine what you are going through.

You have no control over this situation. No control over how many kids your daughter has and no control over their living situation. You need to step right back and stop. This is not your fault and there is nothing you can do. You are never going to feel ok about this situation but over time you will get more used to it. Keep reminding yourself that it's not your fault and that you have no control over it.

You daughter can contact you in future if she needs to.

Enjoy your other children.

I am now reconsidering an idea which I floated on here some time ago, which is that DD1 and the DGC should be among the class of potential beneficiaries, but that anyone who is estranged before my death will be excluded. It would have to be tightly drawn, but would include regular meetings (say twice a year), monthly FaceTime, the exchange of cards at birthdays, Christmas etc, and attending my funeral (unless under 18)

This sounds like a terrible idea. Sorry! It sounds like something in the plot of a bad movie.

Why don't you just do something simple like leave DD1 £50K and leave her children a split of, say, £100k and leave it at that. No conditions and no more thought. If LB ends up getting the money then so be it. You have NO control over this.

You could always change it later.

Thanks for your replies!

InTheMiddleOfit I know DD1 well enough to realise that she will be upset if I don't acknowledge DGD1's birthday, although I wasn't planning to send more than a card. Last year she asked me whether or not DD2 and DD3 had sent anything for DGD1's birthday, which astonished me, as she hadn't spoken to them since DH's funeral. Also, she hasn't said that I shouldn't send cards to contact them at all, simply that I shouldn't respond to her email.

Having said that, I am obviously not going to send unwanted messages. After the first estrangement, when she had blocked contact by telephone, she later said that there were other ways to contact her, that I could have written to her or gone round to the house (then 200 miles away...). People are endlessly strange!

I understand you wanting to send a card or gift but you have been asked not to contact her, them.

I think this back and forth doesn't aid moving forward.

Respecting her wish for no futher contact IS the way to go.

Perhaps distance and time will change things, perhaps not.

She is on her path and will not be moved.

Though hard for you, I think you need to really hear her request for no contact and be seen to respect that.

When you don't you just feed into her narrative of never listening to her.

Listen to her and respect her right to say leave me alone.

She doesn't expect you to be able to do this.

Show her you can.

Her comment last time about "other ways"'that was only ever about blaming you.

She will do the same again because it's her nature and narrative that everything is all your fault.

I know DD1 well enough to realise that she will be upset if I don't acknowledge DGD1's birthday, although I wasn't planning to send more than a card. Last year she asked me whether or not DD2 and DD3 had sent anything for DGD1's birthday, which astonished me, as she hadn't spoken to them since DH's funeral

She will be upset regardless what you do. She will be upset if you send a card. She will be upset if you dont.

She doesn't care about her sisters. That is very clear. She asked if they sent a card to upset you.

You need to stop engaging with her and giving her more ways to be cruel to you.

billy1966 - thank you for your advice. I always find your comments among the most sensible and helpful. I was 50/50 about sending a birthday card to DGD1 but, in light of your advice, I am now tending towards not.

Sorry to have posted so many messages today. When I am silent, it usually means that I am coping and/or that nothing has changed and/or that I can't see a way forward and/or that I think that I am getting on people's nerves by spewing out the same old stuff. In my heart of hearts, I know that there is nothing to be done. But it is human nature to grasp at straws. Only Time may or may not change things.

I think however hard this maybe you need to except her boundaries. She does not want you to contact her and any form of communication by you may be interpreted as harassment, including cards to the kids. You often see threads on here about adult children who are nc from a relative and how they feel anxious and harassed because said relatives sends a present or card to their grandchildren. Obviously this is not the case in terms of your situation but she is telling you loud and clear she wants no relationship with you. You need to listen to that.
❤️

You really need to forgive yourself for the fallout: it wasn't you. It would have happened anyway. It was inevitable. You really are stuck on that point. You need to find your anger with your DD.

How about getting a card and a small gift and keep it in a box at yours. Same for all the GC.

In the future it will show the GC that you were always thinking of them, you just weren't allowed.

The will idea is crazy. Again you seem stuck on it. I'd set up a small trust for each GC that LB can't get his hands on. Again, it shows you care and think of them.

How about getting a card and a small gift and keep it in a box at yours. Same for all the GC

In the future it will show the GC that you were always thinking of them, you just weren't allowed

I get the sentiment behind this but I disagree. It's more likely the kids will be raised to think of this as proof of their grandmother being controlling and manipulative. It won't be thought of as a nice gesture.

It would also mean that the OP will spend more time dwelling on all of this. I don't think that's in her best interests. The grandchildren are not going to be in her life. She won't have any relationship with them and she won't mean anything to them. It's extremely sad but it's not the OPs fault

Concentrating on her other children and friends and family is the way to go.

If things change in future and the DD1 comes back and wants to reconcile then Chopin can rethink things then.