My apologies for not replying for a while but I have been away, and had very limited internet connection.
I booked a trip to Egypt at the last minute, as I just felt like getting away from Christmas and generally, and there was no single supplement which made it quite a good deal. It was a wonderful experience and I almost feel like I was meant to go. I began packing my suitcase on the Saturday and, when I resumed on the Sunday, I found a necklace on top of my clothes, bought for me by DH, which I had been looking for to take with me, but which had been missing for a while. So I like to think that I had his blessing to go and that he was somehow with me.
The other single traveller was a woman the same age as me, also a widow, who also lost her DH to cancer, six weeks before I did. We had masses in common apart from that, but it was so good to talk to someone who understands, and she felt the same. We will definitely keep in touch. There was also a couple, again similar in age, who grew up in my home town - the husband actually went to the boys' school next door to mine - so there was lots to reminisce about, people and places etc. In addition, the ship was built by a company from the same place....Again, a wonderful connection and I have made arrangements to go and stay with them early next year. The rest of the group were also lovely.
My challenge since I came properly out of lockdown, last April, has been to meet new people, have new experiences, as it challenges me to try to grow as a person. Otherwise, it is all too easy to fall into an abyss of despair, and it can be very hard to climb out. Often, when I am away, I feel respite from the everyday life - with all of its haunting memories and sadness - but then, paradoxically, I also long for the comfort of the familiar, its places, people and routines. This time, maybe because I am making progress, or maybe because I was surrounded by such lovely people, I mostly felt positive, with moments of real tranquillity bordering on joy. So, all in all, it was a success, but I try not to become complacent, as that is when the grief monster often strikes one of its deadly blows.
I also find it easier to have clarity of thought when I am in strange or 'neutral' surroundings. And, of course, I thought about DD and LB, but less than I used to or, at least, my thoughts are less penetrating or painful. The thing is, when DH died, I was numb for a while, I couldn't feel at all - a common reaction in the early stages; it is Nature's way of protecting us; the mind and the body can only cope with so much. Then, when the feelings come back, they engulf you - it was as though somebody had ripped out my entrails, thrown them into the road, and stamped all over them in hob nailed boots. I felt that I was down to being 20% of myself, that the other 80% was buried with DH. So it takes time and pain to begin to heal and grow back to being a functional entity.
I am saying this - to myself as much as to anyone else (it is self indulgent but cathartic), just to get things into perspective. You know, those who read some of my earlier posts, before I lost DH, just how painful I found DD1's treatment of me and DH and her sisters. It was all encompassing and the support I received here on MN was amazing and really helped me through. Sometimes, you can just drown in a problem, keep playing scenes in your head, on repeat, until you feel you are going mad. You might try to rewrite the script, but you can't, you are stuck as a player in a story where you don't know the ending, or even what is in the next chapter. You feel like an extra, a bit player, whose contract may not be renewed.
And so I am trying to write a new script for myself, to try to craft a new life which has some meaning, although it's not the one I would have chosen. And it also means rebuilding old relationships, because no relationship will ever be the same as it was before, even with my DC, as I am not the same person. The young get stronger as the above generations become weaker; it is the natural order, but I never want to be a burden on them. I want to be a support to my DDs and DGC, when and if needed.
So, with DD1, I am there for her. She is my child and the child of my DH, part of both of us, as are my DGC. But within those bonds, which will always bind me, I do not say that I don't have scars from the past, because I do, and I always will, but the past is not something I can change. So I am just trying to soldier on and make the best of the situation as it is. I just don't have the emotional resources for it to matter as much and maybe that is a good thing. Sometimes, it appals me how apathetic I feel about the whole situation. DD1 texted me last night to check I was back safely and to say that she would call me today but, to be honest, I am regarding the call as a bit of a chore. I don't feel like telling her about my trip, I haven't got the energy for it. That's bad, isn't it?