Thank you for your comments over the weekend.
DD1 FaceTimed me last night to tell me that the three DGC were baptised into the RC faith yesterday and that she and LB were 'conditionally baptised', whereupon they made confession and took 'communion' (I assume mass). She said it was a private ceremony with just them and their neighbours, who were the godparents.
She was describing what they wore - smart casual - and I said that she could have used the Christening gown for DGS, which has been in the family for years, which she said would have been nice if she had thought about it, but the decision to be baptised had all been made and arranged quite quickly. Actually, having thought about it, the Christening gown would probably have been too small for DGS anyway.
In fact, they went to a church over an hour's drive away for the ceremony, performed by a priest they had never met, across the border. It was organised by the neighbours, who told them that the priest at the local church was 'too old and doddery' to officiate, although they are proposing to attend the local church in future. In fact, the whole conversion appears to have been instigated by the neighbours, although I am not suggesting that they are not sincere in their beliefs. I remember when DD1 and LB first visited the neighbours, DD1 said how religious they were, with lots of icons etc. But I think this is not uncommon in the area where they are living.
Anyway, DD1 seemed pleased with the way it had all gone, although it was a long day, especially for the DGC, with the two hour ceremony on top of all of the driving. The DGDs wanted to say hello and then went off to play, encouraged by DD1, who was being very patient, but they were obviously tired. DD1 said that DGD1 is being very challenging at present and pushing lots of boundaries. However, clearly any present problems cannot be blamed on the PIL, whose visit has now been put off until the new year, which I am sure they must find hurtful.
With regard to the expensive presents, I wanted to buy them the range cooker, which was second hand and not too expensive, as I wanted the DGC to be warm and dry. As it is, there has been a problem with the boiler and they have had no heating or hot water for three weeks. LB insists on fixing it himself and is unwilling to buy a new one, although I suspect that the existing one is quite old and goodness knows when it was last serviced. I was also happy to buy the playhouse for the DGC, but was annoyed and upset when the money was siphoned off by LB.
I told DD1 that I wanted to buy her 'something special' for her birthday, as it was her 30th, and asked her what she wanted, so I kind of invited the request for the cow/gold etc. In fact, DD1 initially just said that she had a 'wish list', which I am sure was relatively modest. What I always need to bear in mind is that she does not make any decision, even the most trivial, without discussing it with LB and with nobody else, as there is nobody else, apart from me, and the PIL before they moved away and fell out. Therefore, LB effectively makes all of the decisions, even ones involving what she should have for her birthday, using every situation to his advantage, at least that's how it seems to me.
I was always pleased that DD1 had the support of her PIL, even though it hurt me that LB's DP were there at the marriage or, at least, held the celebratory BBQ at their home afterwards, when we we were neither invited nor told about the marriage, until 14 months later. In fact, there were no guests or ceremony as such, just witnesses and I don't even know who they were, whether they were family or strangers. LB just booked the cheapest slot at 9am, in the next county, which involved signing paperwork. Nevertheless, I found it painful to see a photo of DD1 with her MIL on the mantelpiece, when DD was smiling and garlanded with flowers. It also hurt me that MIL was the one involved with the support after DGD1 and DGD2, when we were apparently surplus to requirements. But, having said all that, at least DD did have that support from her PIL, for which I am grateful. Now she just has the neighbours and she has me.
Of course, the past is still painful, but I am trying to come to terms with it all and, to an extent, I am succeeding. I do detect a change in DD1 and our relationship is much warmer, much closer, than it has been for some years - well, since shortly after she met LB, to be precise, who routinely extinguished everyone she cared for from DD's life. I genuinely feel that, as I was the one who was closest, I was the number one target, but also the most difficult, and it took a while to achieve, but he got there in the end - or did he?
When we were in the coffee shop in Carrick, a song played in the background, one of the rarer Beatles' songs, which DD1 had heard on the radio on the day DH died. It is very meaningful to her and we both felt, knew, that DH's presence was around us. I know that he would want us to be reconciled and, despite the past, my love for DD is unconditional. But I have taken on board the wise counsel of MN'ers, whose support has been invaluable. The 'rules' are tortuous and harsh, but at least I feel that I sort of know what they are now, that I have the measure of LB, and a map to navigate.
DD's life is hard now, but she is young and carried through by love, for LB and for her DC. If her love for LB dies, her centre has gone and I would be very concerned for her mental health. I do feel that she needs me and may well need me more as time passes by. And of course I will be there for her, and for my DGC. At the moment I am keeping an eye on them from afar, but I feel more detached, less vulnerable.
Sorry, this is longer than intended...