I'm trying to convince him to love me

[PregnantandPissedoff]

Together 12 years, 2 kids, 1 on the way.
Two weeks ago out of the blue, DH said he's not happy in the relationship and wants out. I thought he might be having a breakdown, so he saw the GP, and started counselling immediately. We also arranged couples counselling.
His behaviour towards me these two weeks has been erratic, crying, angry, blank. Says when he looks at me he sees nothing and can't ever remember loving me. Thinks he got together because it was convenient and he never left.
His behaviour towards the kids is irritable and short tempered. He doesn't enjoy time with them. Seems to be just struggling to get through the day.
Couples counselling highlights some issues - I'm the driver and he's the passenger in the relationship. He feels like he has no autonomy. He needs to go through a growth phase and find himself. Fine.
He's left. He doesn't know if it's forever, he doesn't know if it's temporary. His gut his telling him not to bother to try with the marriage and he feels smothered within it. If I reach out he gets angry I'm not giving him space.
I didn't want to give him space, I wanted to work it out.
I feel like I'm in limbo and it's agony.
If he doesn't come back, I've lost the man I love.
If he does come back, will it ever be the same?

Help.

Sorry. It won't ever be the same again. He's ruined it.
Has his head been turned?

Has he met someone else?

He says it hasn't and I tend to believe him.
I think it's depression - early morning waking, irritability, spontaneous crying, making rash decisions.
I can't rule out an affair but I think he would tell me to get me to back off - he knows people's opinions are rock bottom because he's leaving his pregnant wife and 2 kids.

Sorry but you can't ever 'convince' someone to love you.

He has given up and moved out. The relationship is over, sorry. Maybe you could have some counselling to help you accept this and move on?

I'd bet he's met someone else.

That sounds familiar to how my ex behaved when he had met someone else. I couldn’t believe it at the time. Is that possible?

Also about you being pregnant; how did he feel about this? Is he overwhelmed? Is he the sole earner?

It is definitely possible but I think given the turmoil he's caused and the distress he seems to be in when he says he doesn't know why he feels like this, I tend to believe him. I think if there was someone else he would say it to stop me trying.

Oh love, all those things you mention - the waking, irritability, crying, and especially the rash decision-making - these were all going on when I thought my DH had depression or dementia. He was actually having sex with someone else. I think it's the guilt and the compartmentalisation they can't cope with.

So he’s felt enough for you to recently get you pregnant?

kick him out. He can work on his sadness alone - you’ve got enough on.

The moral outrage re an affair whilst your wife is pregnant can be more than enough to keep them lying. I’m so sorry.

Neither of us were ecstatic, third baby and unplanned but equally we wanted a third down the line. He is definitely overwhelmed. I'm the main earner.

Do you think he might feel overwhelmed with the thought of another child?
What did his GP say about the early morning waking, irritability and crying?
Because, they seem to be symptoms of anxiety and depression, so did he get any medication or referral for CBT?
I don’t think just counselling is much good if he is suffering from MH issues.
Trying to convince him to love you, will make him even worse if he has anxiety, why not try to support him and help him and make him know you care for him, instead of just trying to reel him back in.
That may be the way forward, I hope so for you and your children’s sake.

Sorry didn’t see the post above that he’s definitely overwhelmed…..
because I think that is definitely what’s wrong….

He’s having an affair

He's totally overwhelmed with a third child and this has to have been the trigger
GP said depression and gave antidepressants.
I've just asked him again (about to go into counselling and wanted a definitive answer) and he said he's not having an affair, has not met anyone else

This is what my brain tells me.
My heart is just breaking and I don't want to end this relationship without atleast trying, for the kids sake and for mine also I think.

What a shitty thing to do to your pregnant wife. Isn't fine for these men who always seem to have the luxury of going off to "find themselves" without a thought in the world for their children

If you're the main earner, he'll be doing at least 50% childcare then, won't he?

(He should be doing it even if you weren't but ..).

Or does he think he's going to piss off and leave the vast bulk of the work of 2 kids and a newborn on you, on top of not paying you great CM.

What a waste of fkg space he is.

If he was all that against a third child, why didnt he take his little arse to the doctor and get a vasectomy.

How nice that he thinks he can opt out now. Can you opt out too?

I'd leave him in the house with the two kids and send him a msg saying events have caused you to have a break down, and you're going to take some time out. That he's going to have to look after the kids and also make up the shirtfx of your finances
. Because you have developed severe antendfsl depression.

See how he likes it when the workhorse bails and he actually has to be responsible for the family he co created.

The wailing and gnashing of teeth tells one story ..... his head has been turned!

Please don't wait for him to decide if he wants you and to come back. I'm so sorry you're going through this

How can posters possibly know he’s having an affair? How is this helpful to OP?

Depression is a real thing. Depression before a baby arrives is a real thing. Honestly, all these people who bang on about the importance of mental health but have zero empathy for others experiencing difficulties when it comes down to it.

During an episode of severe depression I felt nothing for my partner. I was incapable of experiencing any kind of positive feeling about anything. I could barely speak. Some people can’t even feel love for their children when they’re unwell. It’s a horrible illness that manifests in all kinds of ways. It’s not simply feeling sad.

My father went through severe depression when my mother was pregnant with me. He was overwhelmed and had unresolved trauma from his own childhood. He detached from the family (although he didn’t leave) and stared into space most of the time, unable to speak. It was very hard on my mum but it wasn’t his fault.

Yes, it’s possible he’s having an affair but nobody here knows that for certain. It’s equally possible he’s having a genuine episode of depression. Unfortunately depression often manifests itself as dickish behaviour, and it’s up to the person on the receiving end whether this is something they can tolerate or not.

OP, I would give him the space he needs but check in with him from time to time if you want to. In the meantime start preparing for a life without him as whether he comes back to you or not, you may feel that you can’t get past this behaviour, which would be totally ok.

Is he overwhelmed at doing more childcare? If your the main earner surely he's at home more with the kids? That could easily contribute to his depression.

Also anti depressants aren't fantastic depending on what brand he's on, some of them can make you feel like a robot and rob you of all emotions.

Also anti depressants aren't fantastic depending on what brand he's on, some of them can make you feel like a robot and rob you of all emotions.

Yes definitely. All SSRIs, SNRIs and mirtazapine made me feel like I was in a thick fog. They’re not for everyone. It’s not a case of, oh, you’re on an antidepressant now so there’s no excuse.

My ex husband did this. Swore up and down it was not an affair, mh crisis etc etc...

It was an affair.

I really hope yours isnt.