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Original poster

I'm trying to convince him to love me

166 replies

PregnantandPissedoff · 07/11/2022 11:39

Together 12 years, 2 kids, 1 on the way.
Two weeks ago out of the blue, DH said he's not happy in the relationship and wants out. I thought he might be having a breakdown, so he saw the GP, and started counselling immediately. We also arranged couples counselling.
His behaviour towards me these two weeks has been erratic, crying, angry, blank. Says when he looks at me he sees nothing and can't ever remember loving me. Thinks he got together because it was convenient and he never left.
His behaviour towards the kids is irritable and short tempered. He doesn't enjoy time with them. Seems to be just struggling to get through the day.
Couples counselling highlights some issues - I'm the driver and he's the passenger in the relationship. He feels like he has no autonomy. He needs to go through a growth phase and find himself. Fine.
He's left. He doesn't know if it's forever, he doesn't know if it's temporary. His gut his telling him not to bother to try with the marriage and he feels smothered within it. If I reach out he gets angry I'm not giving him space.
I didn't want to give him space, I wanted to work it out.
I feel like I'm in limbo and it's agony.
If he doesn't come back, I've lost the man I love.
If he does come back, will it ever be the same?

Help.

OP posts:
Facecream · 07/11/2022 13:13

I’m not sure why depression is the go to theory when men suddenly change. It’s not like it’s either affair or depression…
By that I mean men who otherwise function perfectly well decide to rely on depression as the cause of innocent (ie non affair) changes in mood. It’s the best get out clause.

Having said that the biggest indicator (from experience) of interest in someone other than the primary relationship is the behaviour the IP describes.

If this useless part is saying he doesn’t feel the same etc doesn’t live you, what’s upsetting him about that? I tend to think of feelings as facts - you feel no longer in love. Ok. Now what are you going to do about it.. etc

he is acting like a child, expecting OP to come up with solutions (she decides to end it or whatever).

He should be discussing with the therapist and GP how he will care for 3 children when he’s single .. something tells me he’d have less depression then

Facecream · 07/11/2022 13:13

Sorry for the typos!

WatieKatie · 07/11/2022 13:20

I’m so sorry to read this OP, my heart goes out to you.

My (now ex) husband behaved exactly as yours is shortly after our DC was born. In fact I could have written your message word for word at the time. People put it down to him becoming a father, depression etc nobody suspected an affair including me. Two weeks after moving out he was spotted having a romantic dinner in our local pub of all places. He claimed they’d met after he’d left me, a private detective discovered the affair has been going on under my nose for months. Needless to say I filed for divorce sharpish.

Nobody has a right to treat you like this. I wish you all the best.

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 07/11/2022 13:36

IntrovertedPenguin · 07/11/2022 12:54

Is he overwhelmed at doing more childcare? If your the main earner surely he's at home more with the kids? That could easily contribute to his depression.

Also anti depressants aren't fantastic depending on what brand he's on, some of them can make you feel like a robot and rob you of all emotions.

I earn more but work less! I do the majority of the childcare but it is almost 50/50

OP posts:
GenerallyGreenerGrass · 07/11/2022 13:36

So he’s still going to joint counselling with you, hardly what someone having an affair would do, it’s it?

Trying to fix things!!!
I would be very surprised if this turned out to be an affair.
You’ve answered your own question OP, he’s overwhelmed and developed depression, I think he’s running away because he can’t cope with the pressure, so ask him if he’s overwhelmed and which bit of it overwhelmed him. You mentioned that you’re the main breadwinner, have you perhaps implied that he may have to step up to main breadwinner because of the pregnancy? If so, this would be enough to scare him…..you need to talk…. and work out how you would support each other with this new child, as a team, as people who once loved each other and were best mates.
Tell him you understand the pressure but you’ll be both be fine getting through it together, either living together or not.
Take the pressure off and care for him genuinely, as a friend and this could be fixed.
People will say, why should you be the strong one and give support, it’s because you seem to be coping better and he’s the one who needs the help.

Mischiefofmice · 07/11/2022 13:38

I'm afraid this is EXACTLY how my ex husband behaved. I thought he was having a breakdown, everybody including me pandered to him for a whole year as we thought he was so fragile. He lapped up the attention and sympathy whilst I struggled on with two kids trying to keep it together.
Turns out he was having an affair and whilst his guilt did cause some of his distressing behaviour it also nicely masked and excused his affair until he could announce ' his new happiness' a year later guilt free.
He was a weak coward. Please read the 'script' .

Milamight · 07/11/2022 13:39

Strongly disagree to below,my ex also came to couples counselling and affair was in full swing. People behave in very strange ways when they have affairs.

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 07/11/2022 13:39

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 07/11/2022 13:36

So he’s still going to joint counselling with you, hardly what someone having an affair would do, it’s it?

Trying to fix things!!!
I would be very surprised if this turned out to be an affair.
You’ve answered your own question OP, he’s overwhelmed and developed depression, I think he’s running away because he can’t cope with the pressure, so ask him if he’s overwhelmed and which bit of it overwhelmed him. You mentioned that you’re the main breadwinner, have you perhaps implied that he may have to step up to main breadwinner because of the pregnancy? If so, this would be enough to scare him…..you need to talk…. and work out how you would support each other with this new child, as a team, as people who once loved each other and were best mates.
Tell him you understand the pressure but you’ll be both be fine getting through it together, either living together or not.
Take the pressure off and care for him genuinely, as a friend and this could be fixed.
People will say, why should you be the strong one and give support, it’s because you seem to be coping better and he’s the one who needs the help.

I've done all of this. He wants counselling to learn to coparent rather than fix the relationship, he says there's nothing to fix, it's a fine relationship he just doesn't love me.
He can't earn more, he's on a fixed wage and works full time, if either of us needed to earn more to support the baby it would be me going back to full time.

I try to talk, he says I'm smothering him.
I ask him to talk about his feelings, he says he has no idea why or what he's thinking.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2022 13:54

I try to talk, he says I'm smothering him

I ask him to talk about his feelings, he says he has no idea why or what he's thinking

He does not want to engage.

He is out of this relationship.

I'm sorry you don't want to admit this, but chances are he is already seeing someone else.

Pinkbonbon · 07/11/2022 14:05

I wouldn't necessarily jump to 'affair'. But the fact that he is calling you 'smothering' ...that to me is absolutely a red flag of him laying the groundwork for cheating and making it your fault. Eg: 'we hadn't been happy in years. I felt smothered' ect...so if a new woman appears soon, I wouldn't be surprised.

Either way though, I'd take this opportunity to cut him loose. Get the divorce proceedings on the go fast as currently if he is feeling any guilt, you might get what you are owed with less struggle. Because soon, contempt may kick in from him and then you'll have a much tougher time getting things over with.

SpentDandelion · 07/11/2022 14:13

It does sound like an affair, has she ended it when she found out you were pregnant, that's why he's upset ?
Depression is a lot easier for him to admit to.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2022 14:21

Totally agree with @Pinkbonbon go and see a solicitor as soon as possible. He will be expecting you to cower and be upset and let him get on with it.

Don't.

Take charge of it and let him know.

TheShit · 07/11/2022 14:25

I put up with this for 2 years. He was so depressed, felt smothered and trapped, on medication, saw two different relationship counsellors, as well as individual counsellors. Constantly crying, pushing me away, yet couldn't leave. I also couldn't leave because I felt I was abandoning him when he was ill.

Anyway, yep, he was having an affair. And he was certainly never going to tell me. Countless times I asked him and he held it against me. I couldn't figure it out until I accidentally heard him on the phone far away from our house.

Apart over 2 years now and my heart and head and life is so much lighter. He however is still miserable.

oobeedoobee · 07/11/2022 14:32

Yup, cherchez la femme...

He's not trying to 'work on' or 'improve' anything because he doesn't want to !

He's simply 'laying the foundation' of being able to say 'I've met someone who makes me happy' without a shred of guilt or remorse.

He's using the 'mental health' card as an excuse to end your marriage, without having to bear any 'responsibility' for ending it, because c'mon, you know that he's not 'responsible for his 'mental health', don't you ??

PollyAmour · 07/11/2022 14:38

Definitely sounds like an affair to me.
Cherchez la femme indeed.
He's turning this around and trying to make it all your fault.
The poor children.
Do you have a good real life support network?

millymog11 · 07/11/2022 14:45

How old is he?
It does sound like an affair.
Did he want the child you are pregnant with just out of interest?

likeyourshoes · 07/11/2022 14:52

They definately do display symptoms that are so similar to depression when they are having affairs. It's because it puts such a strain on a person to continuously have to run two threads in their head at the same time. They have to remember what they've said to who, for one thing. Imagine having to be continuously aware of what you're saying in case you trip up. They become very seemingly absent-minded, they seemingly lose the abillity to multi task. But they are actually multi tasking, you just dont know it, because they are multi tasking in their thoughts. They develop terrible secret paranoia where you can ask them totally innocent questions like 'had a good day, dear' and they begin to think 'does she know? why is she asking me that?'. It's well known that there is terrible strain on the MH of the person who is doing the cheating as well as on the MH of the person being cheated on when they find out.

momtoboys · 07/11/2022 14:57

Affair or not, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 07/11/2022 15:33

millymog11 · 07/11/2022 14:45

How old is he?
It does sound like an affair.
Did he want the child you are pregnant with just out of interest?

Early 30s. We both wanted three children at some point, timing isn't perfect so I think he doesn't want this child. Does not want a termination though.

OP posts:
Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 07/11/2022 15:35

PollyAmour · 07/11/2022 14:38

Definitely sounds like an affair to me.
Cherchez la femme indeed.
He's turning this around and trying to make it all your fault.
The poor children.
Do you have a good real life support network?

I've got amazing friends and a great mum. My in-laws are also fantastic and have made it clear they're supporting him, but also me and the grandkids.
I feel for my kids, they deserve better

OP posts:
Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 07/11/2022 15:36

momtoboys · 07/11/2022 14:57

Affair or not, I'm sorry you are going through this.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

OP posts:
millymog11 · 07/11/2022 15:38

"Early 30s. We both wanted three children at some point, timing isn't perfect so I think he doesn't want this child. Does not want a termination though."

Thank you for confirming.
I don't want to be the harbinger of doom and I offer you Flowers and good wishes. But I think he is having an affair and I think you should prepare for this scenario. Also do not assume that he will leave you for someone who does not have children because he is not ready for this third child you are carrying. Even if he is having an affair with someone with no children (highly likely, because it is the care free/responsibility free thing which probably appeals to him) as you are so young there is a very good chance that this child free affair partner will want/will have children in the future and that child might very likely be a child of your husband/partner.

I only say this as i have been though it myself and I send you lots of good wishes and hope things go ok for you, your children and your baby when your baby arrives.

millymog11 · 07/11/2022 15:39

Oh and yes, you are correct, your kids do deserve better x

ParentallyUnprepared · 07/11/2022 15:47

Oh god. How horrible for you.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but you will be okay.

XAQ · 07/11/2022 16:11

He is a weak pathetic excuse of a man. Stop letting him have the power.