I'm trying to convince him to love me

[PregnantandPissedoff]

Together 12 years, 2 kids, 1 on the way.
Two weeks ago out of the blue, DH said he's not happy in the relationship and wants out. I thought he might be having a breakdown, so he saw the GP, and started counselling immediately. We also arranged couples counselling.
His behaviour towards me these two weeks has been erratic, crying, angry, blank. Says when he looks at me he sees nothing and can't ever remember loving me. Thinks he got together because it was convenient and he never left.
His behaviour towards the kids is irritable and short tempered. He doesn't enjoy time with them. Seems to be just struggling to get through the day.
Couples counselling highlights some issues - I'm the driver and he's the passenger in the relationship. He feels like he has no autonomy. He needs to go through a growth phase and find himself. Fine.
He's left. He doesn't know if it's forever, he doesn't know if it's temporary. His gut his telling him not to bother to try with the marriage and he feels smothered within it. If I reach out he gets angry I'm not giving him space.
I didn't want to give him space, I wanted to work it out.
I feel like I'm in limbo and it's agony.
If he doesn't come back, I've lost the man I love.
If he does come back, will it ever be the same?

Help.

Oh no. Did he admit it or did you find out separately?

What a dick! I'm really sorry

I’m sorry that it’s turned out to be the case for you too. Look after yourself, you deserve better and will get there x

Oh shit. I'm so sorry OP. Wtf was he thinking?

How did you find out? Did he admit it?

Now you know the truth, separate asap, and be kind to yourself. Let him and his lover skip off into the sunset hand in hand. Watch them crash and burn eventually.

At least you know the reason for his change of heart, and it's absolutely nothing you could have prevented or changed.

I'm so sorry, I know finding out about an affair brings clarity and your personal agency back but it also brings huge trauma and distress, I really hope that you're coping as best as possible. !

It takes a certain kind of a'hole to cheat when his wife is pregnant. The risks are huge. I hope you have a clear path forward!

Sorry to hear your update

stay strong

So, a cheating liar then. I’m really sorry, @PregnantandPissedoff.

You and the children will go from strength to strength, while he will remain the lowest of the low.

How did you find out?

He confessed when he had enough of me reading the relationship books and trying to do everything to fix it. He just admitted he doesn't want to fix it, he wants to be with her.

Unfortunately it seems the sentiment isn't returned, she doesn't want to be with him and has severe mental health issues. Bad day for me, worse day for him I suppose.

Onwards and upwards.

If he wanted to be here for his baby I would let him.

Are you really happy to wait around to see if he wants you and the kids after "he's found himself"
I'm sorry you're going through this

Sorry had missed the last posts
Ignore me 🙈

Well, he’s made his bed…

You can establish a workable co-parenting relationship, but don’t fall for any hoovering.

P&P, it’s a terrible blow, but you and the children will prevail.

Sending hugs to you OP. Stay strong and please don't let him convince you that it was all a mistake. The trust has been truly erased trying to forgive will only prolong the death throws of your relationship.

Indeed. 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' and 'I only married you because I felt sorry for you and everyone expected us to do it' being the classics mine came out with.

He wants back. Terrible mistake.
It's harder because I'm pregnant but I know the Mumsnet consensus,. LTB.

He wants to come back because his affair doesn't want him?
You are worth so much more OP, don't be his second best.

Of course he does (affairs are rarely the true love rubbish and the desperate cry to be away from their unhappy marriage some seem to think they are).

Right now, you really need time to process all that he's done and said. He's crossed so many boundaries with his actions. Quite frankly he has put your unborn child at risk in a horrendous way with the risk of STDs and caused a huge amount of distress to his wife and mother of his small children. He has said some dreadful things to you, lied, gaslighted, minimised, blameshifted and almost parroted word for word the cheaters handbook. His affair partner doesn't want him and he now has nowhere to go. He's in damage control, he's floundering and you're his safe harbour.

He wasn't your safe harbour or your childrens far from it.

I am actually pro reconciliation with truly remorseful cheats BUT if he does want to rebuild he'll still be prepared to fight for his marriage in a few months time IF you're prepared to listen. Right now he is UNSAFE for you, he is regretful, guilty maybe but not remorseful. Whatever you do DO NOT allow this to be rug swept. Keep him at arms length and carry on getting your ducks in a row.

It's so utterly predictable, my heart goes out to you!

What an appealing prospect he is. "I've spent weeks treating you like shit and trying to destroy your sanity and self-esteem, and I don't really want you, I want someone else, but she rejected me and you're better than nothing."

Don’t rush into a decision OP . Maybe ask him to leave for a while while you have headspace? 💐

Agree wholeheartedly with @Readinginthesun . Don't rush into anything. He's put you through couples counselling and blaming it on a mental health crisis, whilst you've been tying yourself up in knots trying to fix your relationship - all the while pregnant with his child. You've done enough - more than enough.

He can wait a while. It will give him a chance to reflect properly on what he actually does want and gives you the chance to do the same, instead of just trying to chase around after him. Take a breather.

He reminds me of my father. He had 3 children with my mother in less than 5 years...and he'd never wanted to be a father in the first place.

He cheated on my mother for most of their marriage...usually with women he worked with, came in contact with through his work. When I was 10, he started working abroad and from that point on lived as if he was a single man. Finally left my mother for another woman when I'd just turned 21.

Personally, I'd never be able to forget or forgive what he's told you - he doesn't love you, he loves the other woman and would basically only be staying with you because she doesn't want him. He's not choosing you, you are 2nd best and his only alternative. He'll be actively looking for a replacement for the other woman.

This, he doesn’t give a shit that you’re doing the brunt of things. How far along are you OP?

Absolutely. You deserve to so much better than to be the consolation

Shit sorry @PregnantandPissedoff i didn’t read the update before I posted before. He wanted to leave you pregnant for the grass being greener, and is only wanting back as she said no! That tells you all you need to know about how much he sees you.

Agree to stay together for 12 months to see you through the childbirth. That way it takes pressure if him to leave but mentally gives him an exit too