I'm trying to convince him to love me

[PregnantandPissedoff]

Together 12 years, 2 kids, 1 on the way.
Two weeks ago out of the blue, DH said he's not happy in the relationship and wants out. I thought he might be having a breakdown, so he saw the GP, and started counselling immediately. We also arranged couples counselling.
His behaviour towards me these two weeks has been erratic, crying, angry, blank. Says when he looks at me he sees nothing and can't ever remember loving me. Thinks he got together because it was convenient and he never left.
His behaviour towards the kids is irritable and short tempered. He doesn't enjoy time with them. Seems to be just struggling to get through the day.
Couples counselling highlights some issues - I'm the driver and he's the passenger in the relationship. He feels like he has no autonomy. He needs to go through a growth phase and find himself. Fine.
He's left. He doesn't know if it's forever, he doesn't know if it's temporary. His gut his telling him not to bother to try with the marriage and he feels smothered within it. If I reach out he gets angry I'm not giving him space.
I didn't want to give him space, I wanted to work it out.
I feel like I'm in limbo and it's agony.
If he doesn't come back, I've lost the man I love.
If he does come back, will it ever be the same?

Help.

My ex did the same when he’d met someone else. He didn’t actually cheat on me, but he broke up with me to pursue things with her whilst feeding me the line that he loved me but didn’t know if he could love me forever so he had to end it.

we got back together because it turned out apparently he could. I then found out about the OW, apparently the grass wasn’t greener. I ended it immediately. No way am I someone’s back up.

It's really common for us to think it's depression. But sadly, it just sounds like he's either having an affair or has decided that he wants out.

For your own dignity stop chasing him. He's done this to your children and your family, not you.

Where has he gone? Back to his mummy? Let him go, he has said ne doesnt love you, you and your children deserve better. It could be an affair, depression feeling overwhelmed or just a pity party but he has left without any thought for you.

As tough as this may sound, if I was you I would give him the space. Don't contact him, let him contact you. Don't rush to take his calls ro reply to his messages.

Even though your heart is breaking, for all intents and purposes look as though you are getting on with it without him.

If he is out he is out - no amount of begging from you will change that.

If this is some kind of mid life crisis, then you looking like you are moving on may be the wake up call he needs.

People don’t chuck a grenade into their families unless they’ve met someone else.

I also wouldn’t put it past him to be over-egging mental health concerns to alleviate the guilt of cheating, leaving his pregnant wife and annihilating his family. I’ve seen it happen. He managed to wangle victim status. It was unbelievable. Especially as he moved in with his much younger girlfriend sharpish.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. You and your children deserve better.

Have a read of Chump Lady, in particular the 'Pick Me Dance'.
www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

Obviously we can't all say for certain but everything he's doing screams affair. I'm sorry.

When someone is behaving bizarrely for no apparent reason, it is because they are hiding something. Maybe it’s an affair, maybe it’s a drug habit, maybe it’s a gambling problem, maybe it’s long-term mental health problems from childhood experiences.

My ex was hiding money within his business so he could spend lavishly on himself while leaving me and the kids to cut costs at home and just get by. Whenever I tried to talk about money and budgeting, I was controlling, unreasonable, didn’t understand business, it was just a bad patch etc according to him. He was so easily triggered, it was impossible to have a calm discussion. It wasn’t until I actually found hard evidence of what was going on that he finally fessed up. At that point he’d been lying to me for the best part of a decade. Of course, then the excuse was “I couldn’t tell you because you’d have over-reacted”.

Human beings are not that hard to understand when you have all the information. If you are finding the situation hard to understand, it is because relevant information is being hidden from you.

Fake it until you make it. Right now there's no risk for him. He gets to gnash his teeth and be all tortured and anguished at his life while you sit patiently for him to see you and fall for you again. You aren't going anywhere and he knows that he can pick you back up whenever he's finished going through whatever this is.

You need to take him at his word. Be assertive. Instigate the details of the separation. Let him know that you too, are also done with this shit. That you want to be free of this shit and the sooner & cleaner the better.

So if he is just fence sitting, you being assertive and in control of your own destiny takes away his ability to control it. If he IS hedging his bets between you and an OW then you showing him that you aren't going to be sitting around waiting for him to see where this fling goes might sharply focus the mind. If it is a genuine breakdown you are giving him the space to get better, faster and back to the family if it is genuinely that.

Either way it's better for both of you. If he was wrong and sees the light in 6 months time you can reconcile if that's what you both want - but also on your terms. And if it is permanent, then you've already laid the groundwork and got through many of the emotional and practical elements of a separation by the time it becomes one you see as final.

"But sadly, it just sounds like he's either having an affair or has decided that he wants out."

Be under no illusion OP. Men in general hardly ever or should I say never leave a domestic setting with a wife and his children just because they "want out". They almost never every voluntarily move out to live totally alone, it is just never ever going to happen.
He has a girlfriend somewhere. Even if he moves back in with his Mum or whatever, there is a girlfriend somewhere in the background. Men only ever leap from one relationship to another relationship, once they have had their first serious relationship they really cannot hack being alone after that (unlike women). He is having an affair.

So sorry your going through this OP. Massive hugs!

From what you’ve written it sounds like he wants to leave quietly. He wants ‘out’.
Saying things like he doesn’t love you is a hope that it’s something you say to make someone just accepts it quietly as it’s not something you can really argue with or compromise on.

Although nothing like your relationship/life, I have been in a situation where I just wanted ‘out’.
I didn’t want to have to compromise or work on things. I just wanted it to be over so I could move on with my life.
I remember wishing I could just say ‘I don’t want to be in this anymore, it’s over, goodbye’. Have no arguments and the long drawn out drama. Just have it over with swiftly.
In the end I had to go through months of chaos because the other person wouldn’t accept it.
We didn’t have kids but did live together. It was tough.

If the other person had accepted it when I said it, we would have both been happier and moved on a lot sooner.

However with kids it is trickier as you still have to see eachother and there is no clean break.

He doesn’t get that easy way out.

But for your own sake, I’d accept it and move on. There’s only 1 outcome for this, dragging it only affects everyone for longer.

I hope you have lots of support

This is sound advice.
Whether it’s a mental health issue or an affair, it makes no difference right now. If it is depression then, when he’s feeling better you can look at whether you still want him or not.
You can’t force him to love you. You begging won’t change it.
Focus on yourself, your pregnancy and your children. You’ve got too many other responsibilities, he’s got to sort himself out.

Genuinely sounds like he's having some sort of crisis. How old is he?

Men go through the equivalent of the menopause where they will, to a certain extent, feel up in the air about everything. Manopause is a real thing. My friends husband went through the same thing. He ended up upping his meds and it was like a new lease of life for them. Sometimes in life we look for a way out but we don't really know why so we clutch at straws to see if we can find an answer. Mostly, in doing so, we end up hurting those closest to us.

Maybe give him the space he wants. When you cling too tightly to a man they will do the opposite of what you want, they will run further away. If he gets the time he needs it will give you a break mentally as well, maybe you need time to take stock too.

I gave my partner the time he wanted to 'work things out'. He came back although I didn't make it easy for him. We've been married for 13 years now and things are very different to how they started off.

Hope you manage to work it out.

This.

His attending councelling is a classic manipulation tactic to support his excuse.
He wants to use this as a means to get you to co operate during his exit, that this 3rd person will calm you and shame you into accepting "people just move on". I wouldn't waste money on it, seek solo councelling.

You said the councellor said he was just a pasenger in your relationship, maybe he wants to get on another bus. Maybe his "passenger' personality has made him meet someone just as forthright and capable as you, and she wants action, the action of him leaving his family for her.

Who knows he could be bullshitting the councellor pretending to be passive, when in fact he's actually a full on narc, with the capability of having a double life.

Op you do not have any of the facts, you are relating and trying to trust a man that may not exist, really protect yourself, ducks in a row in case, be mindful of the finances, he could be ready to bolt.

I really hope this is not the case but you are currently bewildered, you are at the 'ask the audience stage' after the coucelling has not brought up any answers, you need to investigate, instead of the 'phone a friend" next stage look through his phone.

I honestly don't think depressed people are that organised, to go to joint councelling, preparing for an actual split, it all sounds too controlled on his behalf.

All this looks like is a tick box exercise in pulling the wool over your eyes and him attaining victim status.

Having been in a similar situation myself, it was an affair. It's the stress of keeping everything on the quiet and worrying at being discovered that presents itself as depression and MH.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and the majority of us here may be wrong - it may be depression.
But looking at this as an outsider - I'd say affair.

My ex had terrible mental and physical issues resulting in a breakdown
and yes he had a whole other family with his long term affair partner

I'm afraid I think it's absolutely reeks of somebody having an affair, wanting to be with the other person but feeling very guilty at home. I wouldn't spend my hard earned cash on counselling in this sort of situation. Save your money, bide your time, find your inner strength and tell him he can go. The other woman should appear within a week or two.

^So he’s still going to joint counselling with you, hardly what someone having an affair would do, it’s it?
Trying to fix things!!!^

Yep - this happens. For my friend it happened to, I think it was a worse betrayal than the affair itself.

I also strongly think 'affair' but giving him the benefit of the doubt, he is clear that:

• he does not want to be in a romantic relationship with @PregnantandPissedoff
• he does want to have a positive co-parenting relationship with her.

So I would take him at his word, @PregnantandPissedoff . You don't need to make any moves towards divorce at this stage. Maybe he is depressed and needs to work on his mental health, I don't think you have anything to lose by assuming this is true and giving him time and space, without doing the 'pick me' dance? He wants to continue to co-parent, can you protect your finances?

You and he need to recognise that at some future point when he feels better, your feelings may have changed and the marriage will be over.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he has met someone else or thinking of it.

My ExH had a “breakdown”, saw GP, cried blah blah. Turned out he had met someone at work. He was like a teenage boy. Didn’t want to be with his family etc etc. Sorry.

I really wish I was saying something different. But yep, my husband appeared depressed, lots of crying, shaking, snappy with the children, strange erratic behaviour, thought he was having a breakdown, I tried so hard to get him to a doctor. I was so worried.

It was an affair AND then a subsequent breakdown.

Sadly this is how they present.

Please be careful, he's not the man you think you know right now, protect your interests, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Yes no doubt there are many female Gp's well aware of the script.

So basically your marriage has been a sham and he never loved you? Why is he only talking about leaving now then? What's changed? I'm with everyone else, men don't leave a long relationship unless they have someone else lined up, it's easier just to stay put (as he's shown up till now).

Take back control, tell him he's become some sort of pathetic man child and you've realised you don't actually want him back.

“Human beings are not that hard to understand when you have all the information. If you are finding the situation hard to understand, it is because relevant information is being hidden from you”

@CheekyHobson some of the wisest words I’ve read on Mumsnet,

Thinks he got together because it was convenient and he never left.

If this is true then he is the shittiest shit in the whole county. He is basically saying that he used you, tricked you, deceived you, lied to you over and over again - while having CHILDREN with you!!! He brought multiple lives into this shitshow of his selfish deception!

Of course, it's probably not true - but if it is, it's much worse than an affair. Find your anger. Protect yourself and your children.