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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm trying to convince him to love me

166 replies

PregnantandPissedoff · 07/11/2022 11:39

Together 12 years, 2 kids, 1 on the way.
Two weeks ago out of the blue, DH said he's not happy in the relationship and wants out. I thought he might be having a breakdown, so he saw the GP, and started counselling immediately. We also arranged couples counselling.
His behaviour towards me these two weeks has been erratic, crying, angry, blank. Says when he looks at me he sees nothing and can't ever remember loving me. Thinks he got together because it was convenient and he never left.
His behaviour towards the kids is irritable and short tempered. He doesn't enjoy time with them. Seems to be just struggling to get through the day.
Couples counselling highlights some issues - I'm the driver and he's the passenger in the relationship. He feels like he has no autonomy. He needs to go through a growth phase and find himself. Fine.
He's left. He doesn't know if it's forever, he doesn't know if it's temporary. His gut his telling him not to bother to try with the marriage and he feels smothered within it. If I reach out he gets angry I'm not giving him space.
I didn't want to give him space, I wanted to work it out.
I feel like I'm in limbo and it's agony.
If he doesn't come back, I've lost the man I love.
If he does come back, will it ever be the same?

Help.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 08/11/2022 12:40

He wants counselling to learn to coparent rather than fix the relationship, he says there's nothing to fix, it's a fine relationship he just doesn't love me.

Sorry OP, it's already over. He won't even try and fix your relationship and admits he doesn't love you any more.

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 08/11/2022 14:11

Thank you everyone. You've made it so much clearer for me.
I'm desperate to save my marriage and there's no marriage to save.
The reason doesn't matter, the behaviour does.

OP posts:
Mirrorcell · 08/11/2022 14:35

I’m sorry but it’s an affair or at least someone has attracted his attention.

You need to focus on what is best for you and your children. You don’t say how pregnant you are but in light of the fact he is likely to having an affair and assuming he is leaving do you want to carry on with the pregnancy? That is something that is your decision alone.

Seek individual counselling. If you want your marriage say to him I want our relationship but I will not be around forever waiting for you to decide and please be aware if we split up now I will not be getting back together in the future as I am not messing our children around (they often think you will wait in the wings). Then get on with rebuilding your life as you want it.

If you want to go all out say you want to be together but you are not putting up with this nonsense and ask him to serve you no fault divorce papers immediately or you serve him.

if he has fallen for someone else the chance of them working is minuscule. The rush of limerance will wear off in 6-12 months and he will hit the earth with a bang. I think the chance of a marriage with an affair partner working is 3%. People fuck up their families lives for this 6 month infatuation.

GoldenCupidon · 08/11/2022 14:49

I'm glad you're feeling clearer but I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

when he looks at me he sees nothing and can't ever remember loving me
this is some of the coldest shit I have ever read. Imagine saying that to anyone. Then imagine saying that to any pregnant woman at any time, even one you disliked. Then it's one who's pregnant with your kid. Then she is also your wife and has had two kids with you already. He's acting like a monster so there must be a reason why. He wants to bin you (and your kids 🙁) ASAP. What a twat.

Do read ChumpLady

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 08/11/2022 14:51

He's going to individual counselling. He'll be back at 5 and hopefully able to give me some answers.
My head's a wreck. I love him with my whole heart.

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 08/11/2022 14:56

The trouble is @PregnantandPissedoff it's not that he can't give you answers, it's that he doesn't want to and obviously doesn't see why he should.

if he were having an affair, do you have any suspicion of who that might be with?

I'm so sorry

I have read on here so often that taking the lead in ending the relationship (rather than dancing around waiting for him to "sort his head out") is the surest way to bring things to a head and discover the truth. Sadly many men do act like this to their wives because they're overwhelmed with feelings for someone else and want the time and space to try that out (whether they're actually having an affair or not) while keeping the wife on the back foot and the door open in case he wants to return.

SpacetoRoam · 08/11/2022 14:59

Your heart will take a while to catch up with your head but it will. The storm will pass.

He doesn't sound in the least bit worthy of you.

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 09/11/2022 06:38

He's back and apologising. Says he understands I might not take him back but he wants to try.
Says after counselling he realised combination of new job, three kids, me having HG and having no time to himself made him just break down and want to run away. He says he was projecting his hatred to himself for abandoning his family onto me and it's easier for him to say he never loved me than admit he was leaving his wife and kids for an easier life.
At the moment, I believe him. I've looked at his phone for evidence of another woman and his friends are equally as shocked and dismayed about what has happened.
This may happen again.
I may not know the full story.
Day by Day for now I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 09/11/2022 06:39

Thank you for everyone's advice. Whatever happens, I'm in a better headspace to deal with it

OP posts:
astronewt · 09/11/2022 06:55

I really hope it works out for you, and I know you're hearing everything you want to head right now, but I would be cautious. it would not have been difficult to cleanse his phone before he let you anywhere near it, and it's very common for cheating husbands to boomerang back and forth a few times before they leave for good.

My best advice for you: put yourself first, do not make ANY sacrifices for "the relationship" right now, and when if he starts messing you around again, make that your hard line and end it.

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 09/11/2022 07:43

astronewt · 09/11/2022 06:55

I really hope it works out for you, and I know you're hearing everything you want to head right now, but I would be cautious. it would not have been difficult to cleanse his phone before he let you anywhere near it, and it's very common for cheating husbands to boomerang back and forth a few times before they leave for good.

My best advice for you: put yourself first, do not make ANY sacrifices for "the relationship" right now, and when if he starts messing you around again, make that your hard line and end it.

Thank you ❤️
I'm not going into it naively or even optimistically. I'm being cautious but also aware that if I made a mistake (huge fucking catastrophic one) I'd hope he would give me another (guarded) chance

OP posts:
Mirrorcell · 09/11/2022 08:27

The seven principles of making marriage work is an excellent book with exercises in it. It’s about rediscovering connection (it shows you how to do this) and reducing contempt (one if the four horsemen).

I hope all works out for you.

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 09/11/2022 08:30

Mirrorcell · 09/11/2022 08:27

The seven principles of making marriage work is an excellent book with exercises in it. It’s about rediscovering connection (it shows you how to do this) and reducing contempt (one if the four horsemen).

I hope all works out for you.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate any advice and resources

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/11/2022 08:35

Echoing @astronewt to say that stability for your children is paramount now. Better for him to move out whilst he works through this than to ping pong back and forth. As he only left two days ago, they may not have been aware of him leaving? So I can see why you might want to have him move back in again. But I would put this decision on to him - what does he feel able to commit to in the best interests of his children right now.

Hope this works out for you.

Quitelikeit · 09/11/2022 08:41

I’m pleased he is back op. Maybe get him some vitamin D also.

I would give him space, encourage him to go out alone to visit parents etc just time for him to think and have space. I think you need to hold the reins for a bit as hard as it is.

just support him through and you can ride this out

Also maybe at the weekend try to do something fun an activity with the kids or something just to take your mind and his off the current sadness

loveyourshoes · 09/11/2022 09:41

@PregnantandPissedoff a year before I found out he had been cheating, his excuse at that time for his odd behaviour was that he felt stressed and just wanted everyone to 'go away' (which suggests the same in my thinking to the excuse your dh gave about 'running away'). It might or might not be, but your description of events sounds oh too familiar to me in describing someone who's cheating, feeling guilty, and telling you plausible lies so that you'll not only stop wondering what he's up to, you'll also support him through his crisis. Keep your wits about you.

Needhelp101 · 09/11/2022 09:53

Do you know for a fact (not just from what he told you) that he was actually seeing a counsellor?

I may be too cynical for my own good but I find his turn around rather suspicious.

I echo the need for caution. I hope it works out for you.

Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 10/11/2022 07:08

Needhelp101 · 09/11/2022 09:53

Do you know for a fact (not just from what he told you) that he was actually seeing a counsellor?

I may be too cynical for my own good but I find his turn around rather suspicious.

I echo the need for caution. I hope it works out for you.

Yes he's been having one to one sessions with the relationship counsellor.

OP posts:
Original poster
PregnantandPissedoff · 19/11/2022 15:25

Update for everyone: YOU WERE ALL RIGHT!
It is an affair 🤣
Atleast now I know.

OP posts:
astronewt · 19/11/2022 15:29

I'm genuinely sorry it turned out that way, if not at all surprised because it screamed out from his behaviour.

At least you know now. Take care of yourself and take one day at a time.

KatherineJaneway · 19/11/2022 15:34

So sorry 😞

litlealligator · 19/11/2022 15:38

I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Clymene · 19/11/2022 15:58

PregnantandPissedoff · 19/11/2022 15:25

Update for everyone: YOU WERE ALL RIGHT!
It is an affair 🤣
Atleast now I know.

I'm so sorry. No one takes any pleasure in being right but I've been around here long enough to know it is always, always an affair when they start behaving like that.

I hope you can find yourself a shit hot lawyer.

Fimofriend · 19/11/2022 16:03

I am sorry but that specific sentiment ie. Him saying that he never loved you, is an sure sign of him having an affair. Cheating husbands always rewrite the past like that when they fall for someone else.

tribpot · 19/11/2022 16:17

So sorry, OP. I would now try and move swiftly to get things as settled as possible before the baby arrives.

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