I'm trying to convince him to love me

[PregnantandPissedoff]

Together 12 years, 2 kids, 1 on the way.
Two weeks ago out of the blue, DH said he's not happy in the relationship and wants out. I thought he might be having a breakdown, so he saw the GP, and started counselling immediately. We also arranged couples counselling.
His behaviour towards me these two weeks has been erratic, crying, angry, blank. Says when he looks at me he sees nothing and can't ever remember loving me. Thinks he got together because it was convenient and he never left.
His behaviour towards the kids is irritable and short tempered. He doesn't enjoy time with them. Seems to be just struggling to get through the day.
Couples counselling highlights some issues - I'm the driver and he's the passenger in the relationship. He feels like he has no autonomy. He needs to go through a growth phase and find himself. Fine.
He's left. He doesn't know if it's forever, he doesn't know if it's temporary. His gut his telling him not to bother to try with the marriage and he feels smothered within it. If I reach out he gets angry I'm not giving him space.
I didn't want to give him space, I wanted to work it out.
I feel like I'm in limbo and it's agony.
If he doesn't come back, I've lost the man I love.
If he does come back, will it ever be the same?

Help.

At this stage no-one can know for sure what is behind this all. But what I do know is that you cannot "convince him to love you." I know that is harsh; but I think that all you can do is to go with this flow for now. It must be so hard for you with the children needing to be helped to understand something that you cannot understand yourself.

Whilst he is not there you need to be getting everything worked out on the assumption that he will withdraw from the relationship permanently and you need to find ways of co-parenting.

What a dreadful situation for you to find yourself in. I feel for you.

Man rarely leave unless they have someone to go to or think they do. So, even if he's not having an affair, he's looking at greener pastures.
Begging him to 'love' you isn't the answer and just weakens you. Do you want him to stay out of guilt or because you wore him down?

Another thing to consider is that he may come back, which clearly you want. Just keep in mind that this isn't necessarily because he truly wants to. It's often because he strung out making up his mind until he knew how the 'new' situation was going to go. He's not going to be alone. So please look beyond the words if he does decide you're the one. Too many women think they've 'won' because he returned not realising it was only that the new/potential 'relationship' wasn't as fun as they thought.
Often these men don't change, they just get 'better' at doing what they do. You are worthy of so much more OP. At this point he knows he doesn't really have to 'do' anything, you're there waiting if need be. Don't be. Start planning how your life will look going forward without him. Let him do him right now, you find your strength. You can!

So sorry you're going through this op. It sounds so familiar to my situation with DP and his behaviour, though we are a few months down the line.

I have felt the lowest I have ever felt in my life. Now, I am starting to feel a bit better when I couldn't even imagine that happening a few months previously. You will feel stronger in time, look after yourself, focus on you and the kids, cry, be angry, feel all the horrid shitty feelings, it is part of the process I'm afraid.

I wanted to work on things too but DP didn't, we had the long emotional talks, the counselling, me trying to convince him to try. No point to any of it. If they want to work on things they will, if they don't they won't. I do believe it really is as simple as that.

Don't chase him, I know you don't want to give him space, your instincts are probably fighting to do whatever you can to keep your family together (I know mine were), but there's no much else you can do. Give him all the damn space he wants, he doesn't deserve to be around you and the kids anyway. Don't wait around for him, if he came back wouldn't you just be waiting for the next time he gives up and walks? Don't be his back up, you're worth so much more.

I'm still convinced mine is having an affair or had someone lined up. He swears blind this isn't the case but his behaviour has shown me not to trust a single word he says anymore and I don't even recognise him anymore. I'm pretty sure that is what's going on, I feel it in my gut. Even his mum thinks the same. He won't admit it though because he will look like an even bigger piece of shit than he already does for walking away from his family.

Look after yourself 💐

Yep another woman

I've had this with a guy too.
Depression, crying.
Turned out he was shagging about and the 'guilt' was making him feel bad.

Poor him.

I'm another one who thought he was depressed when he was having an affair.

OMG this is enlightening! So so so true!

@GenerallyGreenerGrass · Yesterday 13:36

So he’s still going to joint counselling with you, hardly what someone having an affair would do, it’s it?

I'm afraid you're a bit naive here.

They do it, as a tick box exercise to say they tried, but it didn't work out.

I've heard lots of OWs saying the MM they're having an affair with are going to couples counselling and the affair so goes on.

He sounds like that rat Richie Myler.

God what an utter prick. Been together for 12 years, married with two kids and he's now trying to make out that he was never really into it, you pushed him the whole time and you were just convenient? He's never loved you?

Why aren't you raging? How dare he rewrite your history like this?

Stop contacting him except to arrange for contact with his children. Contact the CSA.

And I'm afraid I agree with everyone else, he's met someone and that's why he's doing this.

'So he’s still going to joint counselling with you, hardly what someone having an affair would do, it’s it? '

Weirdly, they often do suggest counselling. They are often desperate to rewrite history to justify their affairs, so couples counselling where they can moan about everything that drove their poor sausage selves into their affair (that they won't admit) is perfect!

Yes and it always is the ones who are denying an affair.

Devious buggers.

Gaslighting central.

@EncroachingLoaf sorry you are going through this too its awful I know, but great advice.

OP good advice above. Such a painful situation for you, but it will be better to back off. Its no good trying to point out good things etc. my exh was like this too, utterly distraught with guiltt over his affair.

On a previous thread a kind poster shared this and thought it was good and worth sharing with you. Im currently doing this too - being a beautiful mess
beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

I honestly wish I'd had someone writing what is written you OP to me when my husband first started looking right through me. It was as though he'd been taken by aliens, it wasn't him in front of me, it was his voice, his face, his mannerisms but he had gone. I hate now that I'd spend hours googling depression.

OP please take what we're saying seriously. Imho the best thing you can do right now is give him exactly what he wants. Refuse the counselling, where quite frankly he's just getting away with further abuse, don't let him gas light you anymore. Don't ask about an affair as he will continue to lie, just let him go. I suspect there is a huge part of him who'll have the shock of his life if you stop fighting for him, because right now he thinks he's a bloody prize.

My heart breaks for you, you shouldn't be having to go through this pregnant and with two young children. He's a bloody nasty man child.

You deserve better, you deserved to be treated with love and respect, empathy and kindness.

I really hope you're ok this morning. I know this thread was not what you were hoping to read.

@ViolinPin

'Yes and it always is the ones who are denying an affair.

Devious buggers.

Gaslighting central.'

Yep always the ones denying! Important to maintain that illusion of self as a decent human being trying oh so hard to make things better. Honestly these people are crazy making!

Sane here. Crying, angry, in not sure if I've ever lived you, I can't cope with the kids, it wasn't even really my idea to have them, I need peace for my mental health. If be a much better parent if I could just do it occasionally and really focus on it...

He's now living with his affair partner and her two children, roughly the same age as our two. I do wonder if he sees the irony.

I got angry, took control, drove my life forward. You're in a much better position than me because you have a job and career. Id been a sahm for 7 years. Be strong.

What a ridiculous man.

A very good post.

Oh he is absolutely is. Mostly I just laugh at him now.

I'm really sorry OP. But he is 100% having an affair, and I'm not one of those who always says that. The clincher is how he's stonewalling you on his emotions, saying he simply stopped loving you and he doesn't know why and there isn't anything to discuss. If he was really struggling with his feelings for you without anyone else involved, he would want, nay, need to talk about it. He's stonewalling because he's told you a figleaf lie ("there isn't anyone else") and what's underneath doesn't bear examination.

I don't think he could really be any clearer that he considers your relationship over. I'm really sorry. The more you chase him, the faster he'll run away; the best thing you can do now is stop, take some space for yourself, and start to work on your own, solo plan.

It is extremely rare (in fact I have never heard of even 1 man doing this) for a man to leave a relationship unless there is already someone else for him waiting by the sidelines

Basically men don't leave to find themselves, they leave only for a better option (ie a woman who can give them more attention and sex)

Even if he is the rare exception to this rule, he has broken something

Hope you are ok, and can figure a way forward without this useless waste of space

What a loser

What an absolute selfish loser

I also think a lot of men having affairs, due to the immense guilt this provokes have to do perform psychological leap in order to 'relieve' them of the guilt and allow them to continue the affair.

They do this by convincing themselves (first) that they are the actually the victim - not you and not the children.

Hence the sob story - 'he has been controlled by you', he has never had the space to 'find' himself or develop as a person - blah blah blah. All of course BS but a necessary psychological device in order to shift the blame (and hence the guilt) from him to you.

The more you pander to him, the easier it is for him to convince himself he is the victim here not you.

He's having an affair.

All this nonsense crying and carrying on is just a cover. The counselling is so he can say he "tried". He needs people to feel sorry for him so they won't blame him. There's nothing worse in his eyes than being to blame, being at fault.

He will do anything regardless of how it affects his family, parents, children and wife to avoid being "the one to blame".

Prick. Tell him to shove his counselling and that you've booked an STI test then file for divorce.

Thank you @Bedazzled22

The number of responses saying they have been through similar just shows how common this is and how pathetic and spineless some of these men are. I think some of them will look back with regret when they realise just what they have thrown away.

I was heartbroken and in a dark place, I still am heartbroken but I'm starting to feel like things are going to be ok. You will too OP. Take each day at a time, or even each hour at a time, be gentle with yourself. Even if there isn't someone else, he has checked out and there's nothing you can do about that.

One thing I have done that has helped, though it sounds silly, is I have a list I've written of all his bad points. By god it is long, I look at it everytime I feel like I miss him, it does help. I don't miss him, I miss the man I wish he was.

My daughter's youngest was newborn (at 32wks) when she told her 'lovely partner' to leave. What she told me later is, that he'd said if she didn't have an abortion, he would leave.

He'd stopped coming home from work at the usual time. Then he started staying out overnight ( said he was catching up with work, despite no extra money at the end of it). All this throughout her pregnancy.

My daughter was left with three very young children and on maternity leave.

He'd been using prostitutes, and generally living a single life. The lies he told were 'admirable'. He was/still is a total fantasist.

My daughter loves her life - her children, her house, her work. She is truly happy and content. As opposed to the empty shell he'd turned her into with his deceit and vile behaviour.

He swore blind that he was working hard for the family because the third child was on the way - until he was caught out and thrown out.

If things are not making sense then it can't be true/truth.

My daughter has just changed the surnames of her children to hers - he signed the papers without any thought. He has never attempted to see them.

What I'm saying is - the grass is always greener when you know the simple truth/when there are no secrets and lies. You wouldn't be feeling bad if everything was fine. Go with your gut feeling.