Nobody came to my party

[ScrabbleChamp64]

I honestly can’t believe I am typing this but I am so heartbroken I feel like I need to vent it somewhere.

My fiancé arranged me a surprise party for my big birthday this year. He went to a lot of effort with food and drink and decorating the house and told me that he had arranged for all my friends to some and celebrate with me.

We would be starting mid afternoon so that those who had long drives would be able to leave earlier and still be here a decent amount of time. He put up a gazebo with a heater because he was worried about room in our living room and had a couple of friends and his parents come and set it all up while he took me out so that it was a surprise.

Only one friend who doesn’t live down the road came. I really appreciate her. Nobody else bothered and I am utterly heartbroken.

How do I even begin to feel better about this? My fiancé wanted me to feel like a princess on my birthday but I can’t stop crying and I feel terrible because he went to so much effort.

@creideamhdóchasgrá Party coach - I like it!

OP I hope you're feeling a bit better about things.

Oh that’s so disappointing but I’ve seen this happen a few times. The problem is with parties people will drop out, some will have a genuine reason and others it will be because they’re tired, can’t afford it or simply assume it won’t make a difference if they don’t come there will be other friends/family there but if enough people drop out then there’s no party!

I doubt any of your friends anticipated being a no show would’ve had such a huge effect on your party and upset you so much.

Moving on from this I would speak to the no shows and make sure they are attending your wedding/hen and aren’t going to be a no show again!

And a side note, please stop with the Princess stuff. I was a wedding planner for a while and the brides that were most disappointed with their wedding days were those wanting to be ‘treated like a Princess’ for the day.

Definitely sounds like this was the issue. My DH would also think that a WhatsApp saying 'hey we're having a party for X on 5th, hope you can come' would constitute am invite to a 30th birthday party, not realising more details and follow up reminders were essential to ensuring people actually showed. I'm guessing lots of people either forgot or didn't realise it was actually going ahead based on lack of detail.

Are you going to talk to your friends about it? X

@Rwandaiszero
it is for families with young children

What a horrible response

I feel for you OP. I do from personal experience think, that if guests know a lot of people have been invited they don't feel the pressure to attend when they said they would. They feel that it doesn't matter if they don't show up, as the host will have lots of other friends there and they won't be missed.

I do think that you should feel lucky the your fiancé organised the party for you.

That's not what you said though @Pipsquiggle you advised OP to take over the party planning. I didn't think that was good advice.

I think it's worth reaching out to the friends who didn't attend and say that you were disappointed that they couldn't make your birthday party.

From the messages that your partner sent it doesn't sound very confirmed.

You may well find that your friends didn't actually realise it was going ahead

Please like i want to know badly because i might start soon so yh

I can imagine how upsetting that would be and it's one thing friends not bothering but you'd hope your husband and children would if they have a good relationship with you.

Your friend sounds very much like a user, I have came close to having the life sucked out of me by a series of people like this but try and dwell on the positive. You have great in-laws!

But this last part was really powerfully worded and as someone who is healing from being a people pleaser it certainly gave me pause for thought
'but it is also a reflection that I have somehow failed at life in some form and been a provider of service to others without anyone ever really caring about my needs.

It's popular to promote solely serving others as the measure of success, especially for women, but the truth is - it's also important to articulate and look after your own needs. And it's not too late for you to start doing that although it doesn't mean you've failed at life either way . I'm in my 30s and have started to shake off the ones who only pop when they need something or to use me as a 24/7 therapist. I wish I'd realised a decade or so earlier but better late than never.
'

OP, I am glad you're now looking at the positives of it - you have a great fiance, local friends and family although it is understandable you'd be sad only 1 of 10 of your older friends made it if you have made similar length journeys for their events.

Don't worry too much about it OP, sometimes a combination of a lot of people feeling not up to traveling on the night and the organizer failing to nail the buggers' feet to the floor means that a party ends up more as a bijou and intimate gathering.

I'm fairly laid-back about invites - CBA with "promise me written in blood you will turn up as I have catered expensively for N persons!" (Fair does if that's your approach but it's quite a bit of work and stress) - I tend to get some food and drink in that I can use later if it's left over, put out a general invite, and... Sometimes the house is heaving, but the odd year we've had, like, 6 people or so!

I really get why you and your fiancé feel a bit let down - he made quite an effort, and it was kind of just his lack of experience that meant the effort wasn't quite exerted in the right direction. How was he to magically know that without a healthy dose of "SHE SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE YOU #OLDFRIENDS ON HER VERY SPECIAL BIRTHDAY, SHE IS BEYOND EXCITED TO SEE YOU TOMORROW" etc that there was a risk that each might think, "oh I'm SHATTERED, they won't notice if ONE person isn't there...", Or, "Shit, the party was yesterday! Oh well".

Let me give you a virtual hug. Yes it sucks, but it's done now. Don't let this disappointing experience sour your present and future.

@ScrabbleChamp64 it sounds as though your fiancé had good intentions but lacked the skills to organise this, in particular the followup required to get people to turn up for anything.

Going forward that leaves you a few options

1. for your next party that is for you, you take control of the invitations and RSVPs
2. for some other party, you do it jointly with him and try to train him to do it. That way maybe he’ll know next time.
3. you identify a good friend or family member who can organise the next party that is for you and ask them to do it instead of your fiancé. Perhaps a friend whose partner is equally bad at planning so that you can reciprocate?

none of these is perfect but they all could allow you to have your friends at a future party. Maybe #1 is most straightforward?but it really depends upon your priorities. If it were me I would probably avoid #2 as it’s the one most likely to cause wider problems within your couple.

but anyway the good thing is, you have a fiancé who wanted to organise a party for you and put in some effort, and cared about how you felt when it did not go as planned.

I really didn’t think I would get this many responses. I know I’ve annoyed some people with my title but most of you have been very supportive.

I’m feeling a little better. I have had one friend message me to apologise and explain he was intending to come but his shifts got changed and another drive to come and see me to drop round a present and apologise in person so it is feeling less like a personal attack now.

I’ve also had some more sleep and am in a better emotional place to appreciate all the people who did show up for me as well.

I love MN - OP posts about fiancé throwing her a surprise party and someone above called him controlling

LTB OP. This is all his fault.

I wonder who dragged you up, because you're incredibly rude.

And said they might be working…. Didn’t sounds like an unqualified yes”.

@pixie5121
I really think you should tell people what you really think. I feel you're holding back just a tad.

One could equally say that asking about products to look younger when there's a war going on in Ukraine is insensitive. Everyone's problems are subjective. Perhaps you should ask your friend in Ukraine what she uses to look younger. That is when you're calling her to discuss how trivial OPs thread is.

pixie5121 · 02/05/2022 11:32

I used to be prescribed a gel called Isotrexin (isotretinoin) that worked absolute wonders for my skin. It was prescribed to help with acne and scarring but also made me look really, really young. As in I was asked for ID all the time even until I was 35, when my supply of it ran out and I couldn't get more because it was discontinued.

Does anyone have any recommendations of anything I can use to replace it? I've noticed my skin looks much worse and I look much older since I stopped using it. I've bought some retinols from the Ordinary brand...should these have a similar effect? And if not, what would? Appreciate any advice.