Nobody came to my party

[ScrabbleChamp64]

I honestly can’t believe I am typing this but I am so heartbroken I feel like I need to vent it somewhere.

My fiancé arranged me a surprise party for my big birthday this year. He went to a lot of effort with food and drink and decorating the house and told me that he had arranged for all my friends to some and celebrate with me.

We would be starting mid afternoon so that those who had long drives would be able to leave earlier and still be here a decent amount of time. He put up a gazebo with a heater because he was worried about room in our living room and had a couple of friends and his parents come and set it all up while he took me out so that it was a surprise.

Only one friend who doesn’t live down the road came. I really appreciate her. Nobody else bothered and I am utterly heartbroken.

How do I even begin to feel better about this? My fiancé wanted me to feel like a princess on my birthday but I can’t stop crying and I feel terrible because he went to so much effort.

Sounds like communication about the party wasn’t the best.

we are having a house party for Christmas and I will message closer to the time asking for confirmation so I know how much food I need.

also I’m not sure if I missed how far your friends had to travel for the party.

Having read all the OP's posts, I'm intrigued as to how many people were actually there. Quite a few local friends - 8 of them! - plus a faraway friend, her fiancé's family including partners, and presumably her own family.

That's pretty good for a Saturday falling on the 5th November using a sub-optimal invitation system.

She could have made the best of it. Food and drink indoors; and a gazebo outside from which to watch other people's fireworks which around here started as soon as dusk began to fall at around 4pm. It actually had the makings of a cracking little gathering.

Look I just think your DF didn't 'dot the i' s and cross the t's' with his party planning.
Lovely idea but sounds like he is not a completer /finisher.

Notice period - 5 to 6 weeks notice for a big surprise birthday is not enough

Date chosen - bonfire night, it will automatically rule out a fair few people

RSVP date - on the invite did he put a date on there that they people had to commit by? If not that would not have helped his party planning

Location - was it in a location that's easy to get to for people who lived far away?
For instance I had my 30th in a bar in London, I didn't live there but I knew it would be the best location for the majority of people, particularly those who lived in Manchester and Newcastle - also gave them loads of notice so they could buy cheap train tickets

It doesn't seem like DF reminded them 2 weeks out and then 1 week out about your party. People need reminding as they can and will forget

Sounds like you have lovely local friends though. I think you need to take over the party planning. If your old friends mention it, I would say that you felt disappointed that they weren't there.

Op some people are not being sympathetic here and I"m not sure why not. I get how sad and hurtful this must be - your ACTUAL good mates your old friends were the ones who en masse did not turn up.

I think the best - and least hurtful thing to think is that god bless your partner and he is obviously such a lovely guy but he didn't do the full on engagement that is required to get people to turn up

As you saw on one message - he literally didn't give the full info someone asked for

People need to be spoken to - to be told it's a surprise, to be reminded - hey really need to confirm numbers as now arranging food - etc

Im sorry it must have really hurt and sad for your partner too.

I get how you feel @ScrabbleChamp64, I'm 40 next week and it's just going to be me, my children and my parents. My husband works abroad, and we live a long drive from friends and family. I've no friends where we live, so I'm having to accept there won't be much of a celebration. Even though I've attended all big birthdays for them, I know the favour won't be returned, and I'll only get a happy birthday if Facebook reminds them. It's rubbish when I see my old school mates having surprise parties, holidays, presents and lovely meals at swish restaurants, yet I'll either be cooking, or taking everyone out myself. My parents even suggested the restaurant I wanted to go to was too far, about 30 minutes away, even though they drove 6 hours to see my SIL on her 40th earlier this year.
Wallow for a bit, then try not to dwell, and I'd make sure to ask now of any of them intend on coming to your hen or wedding so it's not ruined for you closer to the date.

I think you are acting OTT.
People did come to your party.
Youve shown us one of the messages your fiancé sent and the communication is poor, he should of sent a follow up message nearer the time to confirm. They were coming from far away and the weather was awful.

But then Op's friend also asked for "the full plan" ?

So instead of enjoying and abppreciating your friends that did come, you've put all your energy into feeling sorry for yourself about the ones who didn't come.

Such a shame, OP. You need to change your attitude, really.

It's a shame that your friends didn't come...your fiance shouldn't have to remind them, they are adults!

Your fiance sounds lovely though.

So sorry sending hugs. At least you know who your friends are now! And you have a lovely partner too!

This isn’t a friends issue, it’s a fiancé issue. Sounds like he only half heartedly invited them and then didn’t follow up. Managed to invite all his local friends though!

Your fiancé Sounds lovely! What a fab thing to try and organise

however it looks like he did not do a good job at organising it, you give this example of a convo he had:

——-
Fiancé has shown me the correspondence with one of my (male) friends.

Fiancé: Hey mate, organising a party for scrabble’s birthday, do you want to come?

Friend: sure, might have to work, let me know the full plan nearer the time and I’ll come

Fiancé: cool see you then

———-

not there is no date, time, info about parking or food. But no date and time…. Sorry but obv he was never going to be there then 😬

I have never shared this. But no one apart from my lovely in-laws gave me a present or wished me a Happy Birthday for my 50th.

I booked a chain restaurant meal for myself, husband and my two children and one of my children didn't want to come. I reckon it lasted 40 mins.I had to beg my husband to go for a walk and a coffee otherwise I would have been alone during the day.

My own wider family didn't wish me happy birthday. Not 1 of them. Not one brother or sister wished my happy birthday - they just forgot.

It was after covid finished. I do have family who are overseas.

I had helped a friend and her children through a divorce majorly throughout lockdown - offered food money and at times accommodation and advice - she didn't wish me a happy birthday. I do also realise that in helping her so much I probably limited my social circle and covid wasn't great for people being connected. My good friend found a new relationship and does not see me now or when she does she is just breezy about her life with never an inquiry about my life. I think I had served my purpose but friends change.

But the massive realisation that not even my own husband cares enough to make an effort was a huge thing to wrestle with m.

I have not even told my lovely in-laws that they were the only person to send a card and present as I think it will upset them too much.

i don't want to make it all about me - but I know how crushing the loneliness felt.

so sometimes I just sit with the feelings about it - have a little cry and then decide to get on with things and not be bitter and twisted but it is also a reflection that I have somehow failed at life in some form and been a provider of service to others without anyone ever really caring about my needs.

Just saw date and time were mentioned, but people need more!

if they come from far, where would they park? Is a meal included? Should they bring anything?

you also need to follow up a few days before, with “hope you are still ok for Saturday, there will be a bbq including veggie options, bring a bottle, parking on the crescent at X street”

Consider his skill level and your needs - I joked earlier about him doing a short event management course but...

In your future marriage, do you want him to share 50 /50 of the the event planning of life? It's a huge task, in addition to your existing family and friends. Think social events, days out, guests staying over, going to stay as a guest, holidays, hobbies, celebrations, funerals, births, christenings/naming ceremonies, school and after school activities, sleep-overs etc... and of course your wedding.

If he doesn't have those essential life skills yet and lacks that experience now, and if does not develop them soon you may be overloaded in that area of your future relationbship/marriage/family life.

He is probably quite capable?

So if it's his choice not to develop skills and experience in life's event planning before he gets married, and therefore does not plan to do 50/50 of within the marriage, you may need to discuss upfront the impact this will have, and what he will do practically to compensate for the shortfall so as to ensure you don't become unfairly overloaded.

In response to from OP

Thank you, I think an element of this is quite likely. He has genuinely never organised a social occasion before beyond texting “do you want to come over for a beer later?” to his best mate so I’m not sure he fully understands what is involved.

Well, precisely. And if they stayed late to enjoy themselves with a drink or two, where would they stay over? Had any arrangements at all been attempted in that regard? Just bizarre.

@Restalittle That is an absolute bummer and I'm pissed off for you. You are far, far more than a support bot for others, especially ones who show so little gratitude, and trust me it's never too late to realise. Have you ever started your own thread on here?

@Dipsydoodlenoodle
But in reality this just doesn't happen. Adults need reminding of events all the time. Particularly when there are different groups of people involved. Why do you think corporate events companies exist and party planners. Life gets in the way

If it was just as easy as telling /emailing people once and everyone immediately doing what they were asked /told, party planning would be a piece of piss

An ex used to use invites/non-invites/‘mix-ups’ as a method of control & to make me feel unwanted/shit - so I’m fully, fully aware that my experience will colour how I see this scenario.

It’s very possible that ‘far away’ friends didn’t want to travel, but if ‘his’ friends made it then his communication to them must have been clear enough re the party date/time/importance.

If his communication to ‘your’ friends was lacking (when arguably coming from further away they needed more not less notice/communication) in comparison then I’d be wondering why.

Maybe worth considering if he actually wanted your friends there at all, and now you’re all upset with hen/wedding parties yet to come, well easy enough to plant the seed not to invite ‘your’ friends to those at all.

Utter projection on my part quite possibly but unfortunately there is no shortage of shitty partners masquerading as ‘loving/helpful/sooo upset on your behalf yet secretly happy to make you feel crappy & thus more isolated & dependant on them.

OP I am so sorry. That's a horrible thing to happen. What a lovely fiancé you have though. Whilst your friends have let you down it wonderful to have someone who cares so much about you - hold on to that.

I think you are an attention seeker. Your title is totally misleading

I'm sorry. That is really shit
I would be upset too
It was a surprise party for you
Did he send firm invitations asking for RSVP to confirm numbers?
I can't imagine none of your friends attending, so I wonder if he gave the impression of a more casual party?

So how long exactly would it have taken for theee friends to get to yours for the party? Have you spoken to them since? Have they sent apologies for example? Did you have any other plans to see them for your birthday given that this party was a surprise? Did they send a card and gift?

Lots of questions I know but with the misleading title I think more clarity is needed to understand the situation.

So well put that I showed it to my teen daughter.

Having seen the invite message your fiancé sent out I can see why people did not attend. It sounds really casual, doesn’t mention it’s a significant birthday, or that an effort is being made for this party. People probably just thought it was chatting on the sofa with a glass of wine and some crisps. So not a biggie.

As PP said, you need to be really clear with invites. I love writing invites so would really big things up in them, it was always clear what sort of party it was. ‘Hey, fancy coming to x’s party’ is casual. Going OTT with ‘You are most cordially invited to a magnificent celebration of 30 years of x being on the earth. ( details of what’s arranged).

Sorry OP, it really hurts. But sounds like your fiancé put more effort into the arrangements at home than the invitations. The publicity of the event is always crucial to getting people along.