Nobody came to my party

[ScrabbleChamp64]

I honestly can’t believe I am typing this but I am so heartbroken I feel like I need to vent it somewhere.

My fiancé arranged me a surprise party for my big birthday this year. He went to a lot of effort with food and drink and decorating the house and told me that he had arranged for all my friends to some and celebrate with me.

We would be starting mid afternoon so that those who had long drives would be able to leave earlier and still be here a decent amount of time. He put up a gazebo with a heater because he was worried about room in our living room and had a couple of friends and his parents come and set it all up while he took me out so that it was a surprise.

Only one friend who doesn’t live down the road came. I really appreciate her. Nobody else bothered and I am utterly heartbroken.

How do I even begin to feel better about this? My fiancé wanted me to feel like a princess on my birthday but I can’t stop crying and I feel terrible because he went to so much effort.

before you do that, make sure your friends were actually invited and said they were coming! Based on the messages with one friend, it was a casual invite with details to follow that never came. That friend could not have been expected to come!

thats just awful and they obviously don’t appreciate you as when I am invited to friends functions far away, I always text and let them know beforehand. Those so called friends are not friends and you would be better to drop them as they are not worth your time and heartache. That’s one thing you realize as you get older. Don’t answer their calls for a few weeks and show them that your not happy and see how they respond. You should ask your fiancé what he thinks. Happy birthday too🎉🎉

Your partners invites were not invites - they were vague suggestions. If I got that and then nothing else I would genuinely assume he'd given up on the idea and wouldn't want to make hi feel bad by bringing it up/reminding/asking. I think you need a proper invite for a party - with firm details of times etc - especially when people are travelling. I think it's bizarre that he thought they were coming tbh!

OP - I can see why that was a blow but I see lots of positives here. Your fiancé clearly loves and values you very much and is clearly a thoughtful man.

And he’s somewhat good at organising. But perhaps not at invites. I think the lack of long-distance attendees may well be down to the way he expressed the invitation. He made it sound way too casual.

As I think all women know - and probably some men - an event like this requires a proper invitation not just a casual text. Also 5-6 weeks’ notice may have been a bit short. So i don’t think he properly conveyed the nature of the event. But I don’t think you should hold that against him or even suggest it to him because he made such an effort. You don’t want him to feel bad about the event but hopefully that explanation gives you some comfort.

@Pipsquiggle has expressed it much better than me. All those points. Your fiancé is clearly a lovely guy but you may need to take over organising invitations to important events.

On the face of it, it sounds awful but I do think if nine people didn't turn up, there had to have been some miscommunication issues somewhere.

Did you friends 100% confirm or did they just say "thanks for the invite" or "let us know closer to the time"?
How far would your friends have had to travel?
Did your fiancé offer to put them up overnight so they could have a drink?
Do any of them have children they'd have had to arrange childcare for?

I wouldn't travel several hours for a 30th birthday if I then had to drive back home afterwards, or if I had young children to worry about.

to be fair, after reading your updates I'm not surprised they didn't come, it sounds like an organising issue. If I had one message 5-6 weeks ago asking if I wanted to come to an event and then heard nothing else since I wouldn't assume it was still on! Saying that in 90% of cases if I'd agreed to go somewhere I would usually check a week or so before if it was still on or not, but if I hadn't specifically set a reminder it's very easy to completely forget.

As a pp said, people are so busy now I'm used to several messages updating/reminding me of events. Think this is on your DP, sorry!

completely disagree with @dery though - there's no reason to reward men's incompetence and absolve them of boring wifework issues just because he fucked up once! That's how they get out of stuff! I'm sure OP wasn't born with magic instinctive organisational knowledge, but it's a skill/common sense she's picked up from organising events over time. If anything she should get her DP MORE involved in organising stuff, not less (with supervision/together the first few times). Otherwise for the rest of their life together she will be stuck sorting every single family christmas, holidays, parties, kids events, school admin because he'll be able to say 'Oh you'd better do it, you know how crap I am stuff like this and you're really good...' and it'll become a self-fullflling prophecy.

Completely disagree with you. When does it end? Partner isn't good at cooking. partner isn't good at cleaning, partner isn't good at parenting. Might as well do it all. They need to bloody learn before it ends up in an AIBU thread where an OP is complaining that they have to do everything and partner does nothing.

@ScrabbleChamp64
At least people DID turn up!
I assumed no one did.

I do wonder if three things were the issue here?
Lack of following up and a solid invite by post / emailand reminders.

2 ) Bonfire night if people had young kids?
and arranging childcare
3) Overnight accommodation if they were coming from far away- ( EG not walkable) as assuming there would be alcohol there?

My adult DS asked if he and his GF could stay over as they have a party invite in this area where they can walk to and back..
Their own house is a drive away so no good
They “ Booked” staying here over a week in advance .

It’s probably a mix of these things.
It sucks though.
However - Your partner and neighbours sound good.
:)

I disagree here.
NINE people were no - shows.

That speaks of issues like childcare/ staying overnight/ lack of a “ Proper “ invite.

As to not taking people’s calls, that is very passive aggressive-
Far better to say “ I was sorry you couldn’t make it to my party “

See how they take it from there.

If a long way away, going to a party needs logistics-
as others have said.
A WhatsApp invite with no reminder is a bit vague.

Adding to the chorus that this is an organisation/lack of follow up issue rather that good friends wilfully doing a no-show to spite birthday girl.

curently organising a party where I sent detailed save the dates three months in advance (to allow for babysitters to be booked) and a formal invite with rsvp details one month in advance

Totally unnecessary. Is nobody allow to feel any emotion outside of the cost of living crisis? Why are you on this forum?

Please don't reply.

@AutumnCrow thanks for your kind message about my 50th, I probably should start my own thread.

My parents also did forget my birthday when I was a teenager too but they were really stressed at the time and did try cobble together something at 9.30 pm that night at least.

Also I used to make a big fuss for other friends and family for their birthday - but not now either.

Also at the end of the day it is just one day.
As if happens as soon as I am able to I will go for an overseas trip on my birthday somewhere - without any family or so called friends. Just to have a day to myself - I can't wait for it.

Whereas I was probably quite distraught about being alone on my 50th birthday, which made it worse begging husband to have a coffee with me and then begging kids and husband for a meal for my 50th. It really was the most dreadful of days. But it was only a day.

Anyhow the crushing loneliness is what got to me.

I am much better about it all now but when it hits and I think of the sadness I just have to wallow a bit with it.

but anyhow I am jumping onto this thread when it isn't really relevant.

Happy belated birthday OP!

This is why I’d never throw a party unless just family. Sounds like you had some lovely guests op and that nobody meant to upset you. If it’s any comfort, my 50th was in lockdown and I had two people on my doorstep.

@Theblacksheepandme

I am all in favour of building up a skill set over (a short period of) time. He absolutely needs to know how to throw a gathering / party ...........................

But he shouldn't have started with a milestone surprise birthday with only 5 weeks notice. Maybe a BBQ or a games night.

If he was to start with a surprise 30th birthday party and it was his first time organising something on this scale, he needed to start earlier and put more effort into the guest list and ensuring attendance. The communication for this event sounds like it was 1 rung up from going out for a beer with his mates.

It was a lovely idea but the comms on this were poor.

Sounds mostly like some poor communication but also how many hours driving for a 30th and would it also mean a hotel.

We filled our car up a couple of days ago it was close to £125 plus even a cheap hotel has a cost. It’s not a wedding so I can see why people didn’t come. Plus if you don’t see each other often with a party you don’t get much decent one to one time.

Maybe you could teach the OP's fiancé. You sound like you've got it all more than covered. I said in a previous post he might consider an events planning short course ;)

I'm so glad that some people did turn up.
I had visions of you sitting completely alone with no-one at all.

Clickbait title. Not true.

My fiancé wanted me to feel like a princess on my birthday

Well you have a princess attitude alright.

Not marking a birthday is not the same as not caring. I'm terrible with birthdays, they don't matter to me, so its not until I read these type of things that I realise how much they matter to other people. I love my friends very much and think I show them that in other ways, but remembering their birthdays isn't one of them.
I guess it depends on whether that birthday was reflective of how you generally feel you're treated by the people in your life. If it was, then that's sad and very unlucky that the people around you are so undeserving of you. All I can say in that case is its never too late to broaden your social connections.
However, if it came as a surprise that the day was largely overlooked, you should see it more as a reflection on how they view birthdays rather than how they view you.
Thank you for sharing this. You've made me determined to make more effort in future.

I organised a big birthday for my DH’s big birthday and one by one at last few days people dropped out/said they would just pop in etc until we were down to 4. His work “friends” were the worst at not committing to coming or saying no, it felt like they were waiting for a better offer.

@creideamhdóchasgrá I realise when written down it sounds OTT but years ago working in the city I used to host lots of events that cost a fortune to hold. It must have rubbed off on me more than I realised! We had a dedicated events team and I learnt that even with the best will in the world you often end up with a 50% attendance rate - but dramatically affected by the timing of the invites and, crucially, the follow up reminders.

O, not OTT at all! I think you've got a brilliant skill set there (and a "side hustle"?). Rather than a party planner, a party coach - you can have that idea for free. Just mention me on Dragons Den ;)

I liked your post, genuinely.