Nobody came to my party

[ScrabbleChamp64]

I honestly can’t believe I am typing this but I am so heartbroken I feel like I need to vent it somewhere.

My fiancé arranged me a surprise party for my big birthday this year. He went to a lot of effort with food and drink and decorating the house and told me that he had arranged for all my friends to some and celebrate with me.

We would be starting mid afternoon so that those who had long drives would be able to leave earlier and still be here a decent amount of time. He put up a gazebo with a heater because he was worried about room in our living room and had a couple of friends and his parents come and set it all up while he took me out so that it was a surprise.

Only one friend who doesn’t live down the road came. I really appreciate her. Nobody else bothered and I am utterly heartbroken.

How do I even begin to feel better about this? My fiancé wanted me to feel like a princess on my birthday but I can’t stop crying and I feel terrible because he went to so much effort.

I just think as an adult birthdays aren’t a big deal and people put far too much pressure and expectations on “big ones” when really it’s just another day. I’ve felt that way particularly since having kids that somebody’s birthday really is just another day to me and a simple happy birthday is enough from me, I wouldn’t attend particularly if I had to travel and had to arrange childcare nor would I want to sit about somebody’s back garden at this time of year

I don't know if I've missed how soon your hen night and wedding are? If it was me and I lived a long way away, I just wouldn't have been able to attend to all 3 events at that stage in my life. I wouldn't have had the money.

I think it’s really rude to say to your boyfriend that they are coming then not turn up. Nothing wrong with saying that you can’t come, but to say you are going to come and just not turn up is just plan rude. People just to have good manners these days.

Your title is wrong then. People did come to your party.

Wedding is still over a year away x

Yeah, and also, if most of your friends are a similar age to you, EVERYONE is having a big birthday. If they all throw parties and you have to travel, arrange accommodation, presents for all of them then it can get a bit much.

A low key thing with people who live locally is fine. Especially if f iyou also have a hen do and wedding coming up, as you say. It's a shame you put so much store on the long distance friends turning up. They will be at your wedding, surely!

Yes they did and yes I was just having a pity party that those friends I count to be exclusively mine didn’t show up. However I am starting to reframe it and feel a little better.

I absolutely recognise and appreciate the effort and time of our local friends and the effort my fiancé went to to put up decorations and make it look festive

Based on your post above, a vague invitation was sent out and this wasn’t followed up closer to the time, so your friends aren’t to blame.

If your friends have children then it’s possible that bonfire night is an important night in their calendar - I always want to celebrate it with my DC. Adult birthdays, even significant ones, just aren’t a big deal for many people. I did nothing for my 40th and not even family came to visit thanks to lockdown. It wasn’t a big deal.

This sounds to me to be what happened. Your fiancé, while well-meaning and keen to throw you a great party, dropped the ball in terms of the apparent casualness of the invitations, not making it clear it was an important occasion where these particular friends’ presence would be a huge deal, and following up with firm confirmations etc — he probably also needed to invite earlier than 5/6 weeks beforehand if people were travelling significant distances.

His errors are understandable if he never does this. I wouldn’t think it was anything at all wrong with your friendships, just (or mostly) a miscommunication about the importance of the occasion.

I remember something similar with an old university friend of mine — her partner, a diffident, lovely but rather disorganised man not that good at communication, invited us to a party at their house (we were all pretty scattered by then), but it all sounded casual and low-key. It was only because I happened to talk to her on the phone a week beforehand (when to be honest, I’d nearly forgotten the invitation), that I realised that for her it was a huge deal, and they’d gone to a lot of trouble, hired in catering, music etc, and she was really excited about all her friends attending. So I phoned around everyone and explained, and there was a good showing in the end. But I think if I hadn’t happened to grasp the disconnect between the invitation and the actual event, something similar to the OP’s situation would probably have happened, without any malicious intent.

Chin up, OP. Happy Birthday!

So the only one who attended likely chased your fiance for details?

If someone said that they were thinking of doing something on x date at y o'clock & I said yes, I'd still want confirmation that it was actually happening nearer the time!

So happy to read this update! Good for you.

I also think this was an odd arrangement for an adult party. If friends were coming from a distance, I would at least offer that they could sleep on the sofa/floor etc. However, your OP is worded that the party was set for mid afternoon so they could have time to drive home again. This makes it sounds rather more like an informal get together than an actual party. I think most 30 year olds (assuming your friends are the same age as you) would be more keen to come to an evening party, have a few drinks and stay the night.

Hope u ok op. I find people flaky. Sometimes if a big commute people dont bother. I have found people dont commit now. Im going away for my 50th you end up disappointed otherwise. Summer bdays easier as outdoors/nice weather. Mine is winter time

So to be clear, people did come to your party, but guests who lived further afield didn't? The weather was disgusting, Covid is still around, there are plenty of reasons why folk chose not to attend. Bonfire night too - people may have had other plans, particularly if they have children.

Try not to take it as a personal affront.

Up until about 10 years ago I focused a lot on people that were not good to have in my life and that was mainly my family. I cut all ties with them and now value my time with my lovely husband and daughter. I know they are the only family that are important to me now.

You sound like you have a lovely partner and other people in your life that helped your partner to organise this. Try not to look for the negative but all the lovely positives of your party. If we constantly look for negative we are never going to be happy.

In relation to your partner. Please don't do all the organising in future. It needs to be shared equally. If he's not good at it show him. Your wedding is a great opportunity to do this. Otherwise you are going to become like the women I work with that complain that their husbands are useless.

Happy Belated Birthday.

Your friends aren’t to blame.

Your partner sent vague half arsed messages out, didn’t follow up or confirm with anyone, and then got his family to actually do all the work of “setting up” the party.

He sounds pretty useless.

Consider his skill level and your needs - I joked earlier about him doing a short event management course but...

In your future marriage, do you want him to share 50 /50 of the the event planning of life? It's a huge task, in addition to your existing family and friends. Think social events, days out, guests staying over, going to stay as a guest, holidays, hobbies, celebrations, funerals, births, christenings/naming ceremonies, school and after school activities, sleep-overs etc... and of course your wedding.

If he doesn't have those essential life skills yet and lacks that experience now, and if does not develop them soon you may be overloaded in that area of your future relationbship/marriage/family life.

He is probably quite capable?

So if it's his choice not to develop skills and experience in life's event planning before he gets married, and therefore does not plan to do 50/50 of within the marriage, you may need to discuss upfront the impact this will have, and what he will do practically to compensate for the shortfall so as to ensure you don't become unfairly overloaded.

Interesting that your fiancé managed to make sure his friends were there though.

re events included: children - if you can/do/want to have them (not obligatory!) :)

I'm sorry this happened to you. Must be hurtful.

I was invited to a colleagues birthday party last night and didn't attend because it was bonfire night and I wouldn't have my dd miss out on the fireworks.

However, I did explain to my colleague that bonfire night is reserved for my dd and she said she had a few people with children decline the invite so as they could spend the night wth their children at the fireworks. I'm not making excuses for them, just maybe a reason as to why some people didn't attend.

I can see why you’re upset but the takeaway of this for me was the epic amount of thought and consideration your OH put in. I think you should switch that out as the reason it’s memorable.

Oh actually on re-reading, maybe not…

@bluecog
@Taradiddled
@diddl

It turns out her DH did put the time and date on the text but the OP didn't include that on her post

Happened to me 20+ years ago.

Never had a birthday since.

Big number coming up - and I won't be celebrating it.

Perhaps it being bonfire night, was the bigger issue for your friends not coming. Lots of people celebrate with family and children.