Nobody came to my party

[ScrabbleChamp64]

I honestly can’t believe I am typing this but I am so heartbroken I feel like I need to vent it somewhere.

My fiancé arranged me a surprise party for my big birthday this year. He went to a lot of effort with food and drink and decorating the house and told me that he had arranged for all my friends to some and celebrate with me.

We would be starting mid afternoon so that those who had long drives would be able to leave earlier and still be here a decent amount of time. He put up a gazebo with a heater because he was worried about room in our living room and had a couple of friends and his parents come and set it all up while he took me out so that it was a surprise.

Only one friend who doesn’t live down the road came. I really appreciate her. Nobody else bothered and I am utterly heartbroken.

How do I even begin to feel better about this? My fiancé wanted me to feel like a princess on my birthday but I can’t stop crying and I feel terrible because he went to so much effort.

So, your title was misleading

You then vaguely implied people did attend in the post. But vague enough no one could tell either way. Despite the title saying ‘nobody’ attended.

Then you write out a text conversation from your dp and friend where there’s no date and time. Friends responds with ‘send me the full plan nearer the time’. Now there was a time and date in the message. In which case the friends response doesn’t make sense.

You had a party. Plenty turned up. Your fiancé fucked up the invites for people who are YOUR friends, which is odd. And you over reacted and blaming the friends for fiancés messing up.

I would really be wondering how he managed to invite joint friends and family with no issues. But not people who are your friends tbh.

I think some people said they might attend, and given the lack of subsequent emails, and the logistics of travelling and paying out (which would be several £££) they just didn't chase it themselves. He should have known who was coming and who wasn't before the event started! And helped them arrange accommodation, or offered some.

The most successful meet-ups I've done since uni have been say for a big birthday for 5 people at the same time, we all pay, we all organize and we all commit to going, working around our calendars months in advance. Even then it's hard to do them more than about once every few years!

Its hard to guage how bad it was in reality without knowing how many people actually attended and how many didn't turn up. I reckon on a nasty winter night with a lot of travel involved 60% attendance is OK.
You need to turn this round and stop dwelling on the negative part. So a few people didn't fancy coming, others did, which was great. Add to that a partner and family that went to so much trouble for you, and by a lot of people's standards, you're living the dream.

Oh, please, do read what OP says. She did explain.

Your fiance did his best to make a lovely day for you. You did have friends and family there. Honestly you are just ruining it by saying you are "heartbroken" etc. Your fiance sounds lovely and you need to let it go or you will make him feel bad. For your wedding, make sure you are in charge of managing invitations and get solid commitments from people.
I agree with some pps though that a lot of people are not into indoor mixing any more. People also often say they are going to attend things and don't turn up. I've seen this a lot since Covid in a venue I work at,

Local friends came. About 8 of them and my brothers and their OH.
So, I get you're upset not everyone came, but your title's misleading as clearly people did come to your party, not true that nobody came!
So for that YABU

It is disappointing and I see why you are upset.

Maybe it's time to focus on those people who literally turn up for you.

Cross posted

If they had all said they were coming I’d be feeling exactly the same as you and would want to get to the bottom of it.
Assuming you have a “friends” Watsapp group….. “morning all- great party last night and a massive surprise. I’m gutted none of you could come [fiance] said you’d all said you were coming 🤔 is everything OK?”
….. and see what happens
no group Watsapp? … send similar individually

Two possibilities exist. The first is that all of your closest friends actually aren’t very close to you anymore and couldn’t be bothered to come. The second option is that there was a misunderstanding between your fiance and your friends, ie that you fiance was simply not clear enough and the friends assumed the party was off or forgot about it. I’d put money on it being the second option.

When I organise a kids bday party I don’t just send one wattsapp, I send an individual message to each invitee saying “hey thinking about having a bday party on x date are you free,” then I create a wattsapp group for those who said yes, and say “so excited you can all make it here are the full details time place theme etc.” Then a few days before the party I send a “Looking forward to the party on Friday! Are there any food allergies?” which is my way of making sure it isn’t forgotten. Then the day before I send something like “so excited to see you tomorrow! Here are directions for parking.” In this way no one forgets.

It sounds to me like your fiance is simply not good at this stuff. Put it all down as a nice idea that didn’t quite work, but don’t worry too much about the friendships.

Honestly, if they were given the details and confirmed they'd attend and then just didn't show I think you need to call them out.

Don't be aggressive, but send a message saying that their no-show was very hurtful. If they're genuine friends they'll be remorseful and will want to make it up, if they don't care then you'll know one way or the other and can start to move on.

Thank you, I think an element of this is quite likely. He has genuinely never organised a social occasion before beyond texting “do you want to come over for a beer later?” to his best mate so I’m not sure he fully understands what is involved.

Do not do what lemoo said!!! That will make your friends feel bad and create an awkwardness that won’t be forgotten! It sounds like fairly vague suggestion to a low key get together rather than a formal invitation to a big do - it’s completely fine for your friends not come in those circs and not worth falling out over! As long as they didn’t say ‘yes I’ll definitely be there’. I’m guessing most made a vaguely positive reply ‘sounds fun’ etc which your fiancé interpreted as a yes. Also, not being mean, but local friends are more convenient so I would focus on those!

That sounds bloody rotten!

I'm so sorry x

Unfortunately, it sounds like your fiancé didn't do enough comms to those he invited. I know that my DH sends one message to his close mates about his arrangements and wouldn't think to follow it up as its agreed. However not everyone is like that and I know when i was arranging a birthday surprise for my mum I ensured I had the agreed numbers, timings so they would be there when birthday girl arrived. It was perfect and required careful planning. Sounds like he made more of an effort on the decorations than the comms. I have no doubt the friends who live further away will be mortified so would be interested to hear what they say.

Happy Birthday too!

It's not just about comms, though. I mean, going to a party down the road and going home to sleep is much easier than travelling a long way, getting a hotel or driving home for hours and having nothing else planned by the hosts for that weekend. Local parties tend to attract local friends, and the odd far away friend and that's exactly what happened here.

@ScrabbleChamp64 About 8 people came to my 40th birthday meal out and it was great.

Focus on the people that came, and the obvious love your partner has for you just to think to pull this together for you, even if he may have been a bit lightweight on follow through.
one other thing springs to mind, but train strikes had been scheduled for 5 November, countrywide I believe. That may have deterred some invitees too.

Maybe 10 but 3 of them were family.

Well that's different then. So no message in the run up saying they couldn't come after all? I think at the very least I might be asking them what went wrong and letting them know how upset I was not to see them but distance is obviously an issue for some. As it's been said, traveling hours for a hen night and hours for a birthday party are not quite the same level of priority. Maybe they realised logistically it was going to be really difficult but I'd at least expect them to say that nearer the time.

Good to know that if you are family you are just expected to turn up with your partner and then basically don't get counted as 'significant'! Family ARE the people that love you, not everyone has that as lots of threads on mumsnet will testify.

I had something similar for a big birthday, not a surprise So I was doing the inviting myself so 100% sure I messaged, reminded etc etc .. my 3 friends from uni who we lived together and had been at each other’s wedding etc didn’t come, all excuses on the day… same for a baby shower I had a year later. Really hurt my feelings but It reminded me that our relationship is not as imp to them as to me so from then I keep them at arms length , still meet etc a few times a year but dont count them as being dependable. I know it hurts but invest your time in those that came and show they care!

I was coming to say precisely this. Communication on the invitations might be one contributing factor, but as the PP above points out, the pandemic really has done peculiar things to people's mental health energy levels. This includes me, who thought myself fortunate compared with the situations of a lot of people. But I didn't realize until I got to the end of a teaching year online (university) that the whole experience had been horrible, that I'd felt I was talking into a void, and was having to be a lifebelt for a lot of mentally distressed students, which also ended up sapping me emotionally. I ended the academic year completely burned out, and totally listless even when it came to the research that is my passion.

I'm still in much the same place, although I'm trying to buoy myself up and out of it, but since lockdowns ended I've found it difficult to adjust and life just doesn't feel the same as it did before. Prior to 2019 I'd think nothing of getting on a train from the North to London, just to visit someone or spend the afternoon in the British Library. The very idea now exhausts me and seems like a major odyssey. I haven't done it once.

From people I talk to, a lot feel they are in the same place, and that we are all expected to adjust and get on with it as though it never happened. The same might be the case with your friends. It's a struggle: people are floundering a bit but now that we're out on the other side no one really talks about it much. Bearing this in mind, it might not be at all the case that none of your friends care about you. I know when a devastating thing like this happens it can feel precisely like that. But don't necessarily think the worst.

I'm not sentimental, particularly online where people don't know me and I don't know them, but if I could I'd reach through the screen and give you the biggest of hugs. Hollow though this sounds, I send you belated greetings and goodwill for your 30th. It will be okay.

So sorry to read this OP. This is the reason I have never thrown myself a party, and only invited my immediate family (like 5 people!) to my wedding

That's very difficult to take, so sorry to hear this.

But how amazing is your fiance and the friends who helped to set this up for you?🌟 These are the people you should focus on. They clearly love you and wanted to make your birthday special for you ♥️
I read somewhere we only really have space in our lives for a few close friends..... Lucky you, sounds like you have already found them 🥳

Happy birthday 🎉🎂

Ps Def bin off all those who never came. They've shown their true colours. Don't run after them,not worth it.