Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

[Newuser1987]

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

even if it was his explanation of a mad crazy ex colleague his behaviour of basically gas lighting and pretending nothings happened is quite awful

I also think the ow has for some flak here. She's done the right and not very easy thing. She deserves some credit for that.

To be honest if someone said they'd screenshotted my messages and was going to make them public I'd be less inclined to post more. It's not a made up Instagram account so presumably she could be found.

She doesn't sound like a crazy psycho who wants revenge. Otherwise she'd be insistent the op believe her. Or hang around for the fall out. She's just passing the message on for the op to deal with as she wants. As we often see recommended here.

If he knows her he must have a way of contacting her? Why doesn't he offer to call her on speakerphone.

Why didn't he want to clear his name when he heard she'd accused him? Ex colleague so presumably he'd be worried about his professional standing no?

So much of it doesn't make sense. Unless you think what she's saying is true.

Sorry op.

So other woman has dropped a bomb and now wants to walk quietly away. It doesn’t work like that does it? 🤨
The fact that he is acting normally like nothing has happened is deeply suspicious.

@pilates maybe if OP hadn't been very rude and threatening to her, the OW would have been more forthcoming... this is on OP I'm afraid.

Why doesn’t it work like that? She’s told the OP what happened, and it’s up to the OP what she wants to do about it.
It’s the OP’s husband who dropped the bomb by sleeping with someone else.

@RandomMusings7 the op was obviously in shock the way she reacted. I think we can cut her some slack for that. And no it’s not the op’s fault, she has had her life turned upside down in a blink of an eye.

Aye but he's not the one who told her, and looks like he will never tell her. If you don't want an angry wife on your hands don't shag their husbands

OP it's frustrating that you don't have definitive proof, but, do really need it at this point?

His behaviour is that of a gaslighting cheat. FFS if my husband was accused of cheating, he'd do backflips to convince me of his innocence, he wouldn't call me a 'drama queen', when you've done nothing but relay to him what you were told.

I think you know in every fibre of your being that he cheated with this woman, it is at this point, beyond reasonable doubt. His carrying on as normal is hoping you will drop it and then forget it. An innocent man would not let this go. Nor would he abuse you, call you names and gaslight you. He would bend over backwards to comfort you and to reassure you.

You know cheated, you know that in every fibre of your being. His response (or lack thereof, more importantly) says it all. The question is, will you stay with this obvious cheat who can't even be bothered to console you or reassure/convince you? Or will you accept what you know in your heart and fibre and tell him to leave?

Can you go through his bank statements and see if he went to any restaurants or bars or anything on the dates that this woman has told you she slept with him? You need to act quickly because he has been altered and will try to destroy any remaining evidence.

Alerted*

What does your gut tell you OP?

Really? It's a natural reaction to act negatively to someone who has just declared they slept with your husband and blown up your world!
The other woman knew this was a possibility when she decided to tell her.
Her husband is the absolute scummy one in this situation of course but we don't know if the woman already knew he was married or her motive.
No one can expect the OP to respond without emotion

@Newuser1987 why don’t you say to him you have arranged to meet this woman so she can show you the messages? Say to him if he anything to tell you now is the time.

@Newuser1987

You know something went on with her and your DH.

I always say to OW don't go telling the wife she may not believe you. You on your first post has proved my point. But the OW equally stupid she told you she slept with him but won't share no more information saying she doesn't want to be involved but she opened that can of worms so sadly she is involved she the OW slept with him.

You DH is obviously denying it making out it's her so I wouldn't believe neither one at the moment. Your left in limbo not knowing and you need to tell your DH is if he loves you no matter how painful the truth is for you to hear he needs to be honest.

If he lied putting it on her and later you find out the truth you will be even more upset.

I wouldn't contact her because is he said/she said right now. She making it seem like she lied by holding information not showing nothing and this why you maybe in two minds believing her.

I believe something went on and he broke it off she got mad and told you. If they were still hooking up she be happy you didn't know anything. She getting him back for hurting her.

Even if he did cheat could you get past this? Could you give him another chance?

People do forgive but takes a long time to earn trust back if it's a deal breaker he has to go.

Hope you get the truth out of him soon. Or you get some proof.

He wouldn't believe me. He knows me too well. And by how calm he is I also think he knows this woman won't agree to meet up either.

@FlissyPaps my gut tells me that there is more than what he is telling me and he's lying about something. Can I really break up my family over a gut feeling though?

@Newuser1987 yes you can. This isn't a court of law. You don't need to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
You know deep down he's cheated and more evidence will show up sooner or later anyways.

You wouldn't be breaking up your family, he has.

Ok, put aside the (obvious) affair for a moment. Look at how he treats you.

He called you a 'drama queen', for no other reason that you merely relayed to him, what was told to you. Instead of reassuring you, he accused you of being a drama queen. That's gaslighting and emotionally abusive. Forget the affair, he clearly is abusive and not a nice man. Do you really want to be in a relationship/raise children with such a POS? You will be better off alone. Any man who loves you would have comforted and reassured you, not called you names. He is cold as ice, isn't he? He is a nasty, gaslighting and emotionally abusive piece of work, is that who you want to be with for the rest of your life? Plus, living in doubt for the rest of your life, (and you know he 100% will do it again if he thinks he has gotten away with it with you).

Yes you can, he is hoping you just believe him and that’s it as you can’t prove anything.

once you say you need to leave you will be able to tell from his reaction.

This is really shit if he hasn’t done anything wrong but if this was me and I showed my husband this if she was really obsessive and crazy he would be telling me the full story and trying to prove why she was lying.

Everything he has said stinks of being guilty, oh she is obsessive block her, that’s handy!!!

You are getting no real explanation or reassurance. You will be living the rest of your life second guessing him that is no way to live.

No smoke without fire there is more to this than what he is telling you, might not be affair but something is up!

Arghhhh this is so frustrating to read OP. I don’t understand your relationship with him to be honest. If it was me I would have said “we need to talk properly about this. Why are you calling me a drama queen? I’m just telling you what I’ve been told. If she’s so obsessive then how did you forget her name? TELL ME THE DETAILS, I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!”!!!!

You haven’t taken advice from any of the 18 pages of comments, most of which say it’s pretty obvious he has cheated.
Imagine if you were a friend or a family member, what would you say to them?

@Newuser1987 ask him to message her in front of you about why she is saying these things, he shouldn’t have a problem doing that if it’s not true.

You're not the one breaking up the family. He has done that already. He wasn't thinking about you or the family when he shagged her, was he?

He's acting like nothing has changed because for him nothing has. Lying to you about this woman is nothing new to him.

Good luck.

He's very calm about it which sadly means he's very good at cheating and doesn't give a flying fig. You can let this one slip but I'll bet my house he'll do it again. Maybe not this month or this year but it will happen. He's blatantly gaslighted you and your now stating it's gut feeling despite being contacted by the OW. There must have been at least 100 of us who've categorically stayed the obvious and your still unsure 🫤 sit with it for a few days. Let it all sink in. I remember I suddenly see all these jigsaw pieces fit - sounds odd but things is completely overlooked suddenly made sense. I wish you well with whatever path you take, took me a long time to absorb all the lies and deceit and the mental head fuck is not to be sniffed at. Most of all this is not your fault, his dick and his selfish behaviour are to blame.

@FlissyPaps my gut tells me that there is more than what he is telling me and he's lying about something. Can I really break up my family over a gut feeling though?

I think there’s more to this too. He is definitely lying, I’m so sorry😓

Put it this way, if someone was obsessive with me and stalking me my husband/partner would be the first person I’d be telling. I’d also involve the police.

It appears your husband has never once told you about this crazy obsessed woman. I would find that incredibly strange. Id question him why he has never told you about her.

In my opinion. He is using “the script”.

He was cheating. It ended. OW now feels guilty and/or wants revenge on him so has contacted you. You have questioned him. He’s panicked and is starting his script.

1. Denial.
2. Accusing the wife of being paranoid/crazy. “I would never do that to you”.
3. Admitting.
4. Becoming the victim. “You’ve made me do this” “I feel unloved” “You don’t understand me”.

You’re at number 2. If he does admit it. He will most definitely go to 3 and 4.

Unfortunately the OW is reluctant to share any screenshots. And as much as I am rooting for her to do so, for your sake, I can understand why she isn’t. She’ll be shitting herself too, especially if she’s also got a husband and kids. She’s wrecked her own family. Any woman wouldn’t want that out there.

What I would suggest to do. Is:

• Speak to your H again. Ask him about the crazy woman. Pretend to act concerned. Ask him why he’s never mentioned he has a “stalker”. Try and call his bluff. Don’t interrogate him.

• Leave the OW for a few days. Then go back and apologise for how you acted. She should understand that you will have been in shock and denial yourself. Be diplomatic. Politely ask her for any evidence of call logs and messages from your H to her. Tell her she can black out or crop her own messages if she’s embarrassed. Because what she has said doesn’t matter. It’s about what your H has said to her that does.

I really am truly sorry you are going through this. But this cannot be left or swept under the rug. You cannot allow this man to emotionally manipulate you or let him call you crazy/dramatic etc. that is abuse. Do not allow him to abuse you. You wouldn’t be breaking your family up. He would.

It will be in the best interest for you and the DC to be away from this environment.

I completely understand why you might want to do that, but honestly? Why bother?!

from a practical perspective, it makes no difference in a divorce if he cheated or not, so why waste the money?

if you can’t trust you DH, then the relationship is in a bad place. He hasn’t reassured you , OP. He has just made you feel shit. Tells you all you need to know

he does get defensive when he's annoyed or if I'm being needy or overly sensitive

You are being neither needy nor oversensitive. Do not let him load it on you. Do not buy into this. There is nothing needy or overly sensitive in being concerned about the evidence you have.

OP, you can as he is not being open and honest.

I saw top of my then DH's car parked behind gates at the hse of the OW (3 months after he was supposed to have ended an affair and we were reconciling). I challenged him, same as you with your DH. Mine was cool as a cucumber, he played a blinder. Totally gaslighting kindly/gently telling me OW's boyfriend had an identical make/colour of car and exH claimed he was over 20 miles away driving home from work when U'd seen car behind gates. I thought I was going mad, must be imagining it. Ex did all your DH is doing and totally played me despite me already knowing he had history of cheating. I just so wanted to believe he was telling the truth.

You cannot bury your head in the sand as it will eat you up. Every minute will be spent checking on and doubting him. It is exhausting, totally toxic.

You need to tell your DH that you want to know more about this woman he claims is mad. Ask where she works/ed. Ask how he knows her and isn't he wondering WHY she would say something like that and how did she get your number in the first place?

Demand to know these details as it is bothering you. Let him know, If he isn't prepared to be accommodating then you have little choice but to assume what she has told you is true.