Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

[Newuser1987]

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

You need to find out where this woman lives and go talk to her face to face . You need to be nice to her to get as much information from her as you can , and tell her you appreciate her being honest with you . I'm sorry but I really think she is telling the truth . Your husband got defensive and it's a real sign of cheating. Your in denial and your don't believe he is capable of such a thing .I've been where you are. I received a letter in the post and I didn't believe it . Found out the following year he was in a long term affair.

Nooooo do not go to this woman's house. Lord.

Why not ? Either that or meet somewhere else .

If I had confronted my dh about this he would be doing everything in his power to convince me he was innocent, not telling me I’m mad or that the other woman is obsessive. Your dh is showing the classic signs of a chest.

id contact her tomorrow and ask for actual proof so that you can make an informed choice .

Land on her doorstep? After the exchange of messages the OP has described? Terrible idea.

Have you thought about calling your DH bluff? Tell him you have arranged to meet the woman and she's going to show you the messages? His reaction would probably be telling!

"DH is good looking and I'm thinking maybe she tried it on with him and he knocked her back so she is getting revenge."

Haha, as if. No wonder he thinks he's gods gift. He's a cheat, no doubt about it.

Right! The OP then comes off as being the crazy one.
Best thing she can do now is send a very sincere apology saying that she knows she has reacted rudely and that she’s so sorry for lashing at and she really appreciates this former coworker for reaching out. That she was in shock and has now thought things through more clearly and while she understands that the OW is within her rights to decline, she is being lied to by her husband and would like to see his side of the messages so she has the proof she needs to make any decisions.

OP, I don’t think you played your cards right by blurting about her Instagram messages, you should have sat with him calmly and let him know that “Margaret has called you and now you know the whole story. Please don’t gaslight me because I know all the details “.

I mean, that’s harassment, surely

Whatever you do...do not go to the OW's house.
Maybe arrange to meet her for coffee somewhere that you know will be quiet and ask her to show you all the evidence.
and when you have all the evidence you can start getting all your stuff in order to LTB.

Oh pet.

I feel that when you told her your H said she was obsessive and she resisted the temptation you correct that with a very calm ''ok''. I don't think she's lying or stirring.

Your H denies everything.

So now you have to decide can you afford to split up? What is your line here, put up with it once, twice, put up with being lied to and requiring strangers to tell you what's happening??

Do you have to gaslight yourself to stay in the relationship?

You don’t need any more evidence. It’s almost certainly true.

The chances of this woman being a nutcase are so vanishingly small, that you need to accept your DH has had an affair.

but you will never have the proof, so you need to make a decision based on probability.

quite frankly, if any partner of mine was calling me a drama queen for being upset about this, he wouldn’t be for me anyway.

This. Your Husband’s behaviour here tells it all. I am sorry op - he has cheated, he is a lying shit, and you can do better. If you choose to let this go, he will just hide it better the next time. Can you live like this? Only you know..

Now you've had some time, what have you decided to do, @Newuser1987 ?

I'm sorry your husband did this to you and your children. He's following the script line by line, pretending not to know her, calling her obsessed, switching the focus to you are being unreasonable. They all do it, these cheating men.

Can't you apologise to her and get more information?

As for him don't go down the 'have you cheated on me?' route

Go down the 'I know what you did with that woman' route and then watch his reaction.

"I know what you did"

What do you mean?

"I know what you did."

Honestly don't know what you mean.

"Xname and you, I know."

Squirm squirm

He will admit it eventually. It's uncertainty and silence, it brings out the truth as there's nothing concrete to deny so they can't do plain old denial. And the uncertainty will put him into a state where he can't think straight.

There are some crazy women out there I've met who are compulsive liars and troublemakers who do this kind of stuff to take revenge from minor offences/remarks they've taken the wrong way.
But even so, bit wierd if DH is completely ignoring this and not interested to see the level of the woman's craziness and what she's said about him.. Unless him and colleagues are used to it and he really doesnt give a toss or is fussed with knowing details.

Maybe ask the crazy woman for proper proof or photo of them together

You dont know she hadnt known either.
I know most of my coworkers marital status, the ones I actually talk to. But I work in a workplace where people do talk to and about each other, so if someone pretended to be single while they weren't they would be caught out really quickly.

Maybe he lied, maybe she didnt know. Or maybe she did and only now feels remorse, or maybe not even remorse, but for whatever reason wantedOP to know. I just dont see how the OW is all of a sudden a heroic character for approaching OP about the affair. I perfectly understand why OP would be rude to her, I think if I was OW Id also understand why the reaction was the way it was, it's a huge shock to dump that sort of intel on someone.

You need to tell her you want the message screenshots to confirm with him that he's cheating, not for publishing, so you can rightfully tell him to get to fuck. Without proof, it's too hard to do this because of your 3 young children. Maybe she'll either admit she's made it up or send you the actual proof.

Sorry haven’t read everyone’s comments, so this might’ve been suggested already, but could you (nicely- after apologising etc) ask her to screenshot just one text exchange between them- showing his number (as someone suggested, she deletes him as a contact first so it’s him number at the top rather than his name) - if she’s embarrassed she can edit the screenshot by scribbling her part of the text out ? Then it’s just showing his number and his own incriminating words?

Just a thought.. do you know anyone else apart from you husband at his workplace? It could be useful to have a chat with them if you do to gauge their reaction. I hope you are OK this morning, it's a terrible shock to be contacted like that - I myself know. Take care x

I would message her again, saying please please given me some proof because I'm going crazy, and if he has been unfaithful I will leave him

Dear OP - it is not your fault that the OW has only given you limited information. It’s not because you were angry or rude. I’m sure she would have been prepared for that.
I imagine she never intended to get drawn into a row between you and your DH. Hard to know her motives - she may be angry and upset with your DH for not pursuing a longer relationship with her. She may feel guilty and be sick of the secret. She may believe he does this often… Who knows?

She may have given you all the information she intended to share already. And having done that may also be quite scared about how this could blow up. Or she may have done it to provoke your husband into contacting her again. Which presumably he will if there is any truth in what she’s told you. Which seems pretty likely.
Fighting with your DH now for a confession may be really exhausting and crazy-making for you because, even if he acknowledges anything it will only be tiny, vague details to try to explain away this situation.
Save your strength to take time to think about what you need now and going forward in terms of finances, home, and your DCs. Go slowly and carefully. Put your well-being and your security first at all times. Play the long game. Get as much love and support from your close allies. Don’t keep your fears and sadness a secret from them. Protect yourself emotionally and practically. Focus on yourself and DCs.

She’s told the OP what happened. She doesn’t want to get drawn into any family dramas, she’s done what she set out to do. Why on earth would she jump through hoops to convince the OP? I imagine she doesn’t really care whether the OP
leaves him or not.

Could you afford a private investigator to get proof? Having been in your situation myself 30 years ago I wish now I’d done that