Did DH cheat or is this a joke?

[Newuser1987]

Got a DM on Instagram this morning. Private account but definitely not a fake one.

From a young woman claiming she has slept with my husband a few weeks ago and thought I deserved to know.

She knows details about a birth Mark on his chest and a tattoo on his ankle. But DH wears shorts a lot so lots would have seen the ankle tattoo. He does talk about his birth Mark as well so a lot of people know he has one. So I'm hoping that this is just someone stirring but wanted to post on here to get clarity and that I'm not just trying to comfort myself.

A few months ago he had a string of mysterious phone calls which led to a huge row as he wouldn't answer the phone to the mysterious person then started saying i was getting worked up over nothing. Nothing since then tho so other than that I have no reason to believe he has cheated.

I Will confront him but it's just his word against this random person on Instagram right? I'm calm thinking it's just someone stirring. But what if it's not? How would you feel?

Can't exactly break up over one set of messages from a random woman. We have 3 kids together.

I don’t think you can ask the woman to meet you. Why would she? If I was her I absolutely wouldn’t and would block you at this stage.

You need to decide where this all leaves your marriage without the texts as proof. Your husbands response to all this is seriously fishy. I don’t think I could trust him .

The lack of empathy for OP on here is shocking!

Discovery of an affair is a traumatising experience.

You don't 'automatically' believe some random woman, sorry but you don't. Cognitive dissonance is a powerful thing. You want to believe in the husband you married and think you know. Pulling the rose tinted spectacles off is a process.

Describing OP as unreasonable is utterly unfair. She's been absolutely blindsided.

There is one victim here, OP, who currently is being lied to and gas lit and will be in shock. The coworker/affair partner knew he was married. They work together.

I'm pleased she's told OP as it's the right thing to do but let's not paint her as some sort of angel in this scenario!

OP I really hope you're ok this morning. Please practise self care, you will be struggling. You deserve better than his continued lies.

I have read pretty much this entire thread and can honestly say if I were in your position, there's absolutely no way I could let this lie based on the H reaction. I agree that if he were innocent I would expect him to be contacting this woman to confront her in front of me to get an explanation for her accusations and also I'd expect him to confort me not call me a drama queen. I just know I wouldn't be able to leave it because I'd be wondering if he's out doing this with other people or when this sort of thing could happen again...so my trust would basically be gone for him! You deserve to know the truth and I'm sorry this happening to you it's awful :(

It’s obvious that he cheated.

I agree, it seems obvious he has cheated. My husband would be absolutely furious if someone accused him of sleeping with them, not just brush it off.

Reverse the situation and your husbands behaviour tells you he has slept with her.

If Bob from your work contacted your DH and told him he had sex with you, would you say ‘that’s just crazy, obsessive Bob’? Would you tell your DH that he was being a drama queen? Would you carry on as normal? Of course you wouldn’t you would be contacting your work about Bob’s strange behaviour. You would probably be extremely angry with Bob and call Bob in front of your DH to ask him why he was being a weird fantasist. You would extremely upset and be analysing the situation with your DH and discussing what to do about it.

Like everyone else has said, he sounds like a cheater.
You fumbled your opportunity to get definitive evidence from her - she did a brave, thankless thing, and you were rude and have her no reason to continue to have your back. Given that the texts very likely include nudes and sex chat, I wouldn’t send them to you either as she would be scared you would post them publicly or send to her work. No good deed goes unpunished!

He sounds like a dog. And sadly looks like he is cheating. Ltb

100%

She is so reasonable that she slept with a married man and one with three kids!

Sorry but again... how did she do a thankless thing- sleeping with a married man, and how did she have OPs back at any point of time while f* her husband?

The fact that not only was he not phased about the accusation but he blamed you for asking him, calling you a drama queen, when all you did was say what you were told, tells you everything you need to know. He's a scumbag and even worse of one because he called you a drama queen instead of comforting you and reassuring you like most normal men would do who aren't guilty. He called you a name as if it were you fault you were told, and not merely the messenger telling him what you were told.

You know he's cheated, his attitude toward you and not even caring about the accusation show that. His reaction proves it absolutely and unequivocally, without a doubt. You could never trust him again.

Where's the proof she even knew he was married? I'd been at my work for years and I still have no idea of the marital status of most of the men there. You are assuming she knew.

It doesn't look good OP. Your husband didn't immediately recognise her name but this 'crazy' woman knows a personal detail like his birthmark and his phone number?! Yeah right.
Together with him calling you a drama queen (what a charmer), the deleted WhatsApp messages and the phone calls and his response to them, equals BS. Sorry.

Though she could have blurred out her face and any other identifying details, if she wanted to.

@InsomniacVampire how do you know the OW was aware that he was married?

How many men slip their wedding ring off in the mornings?

How many men swear up and down that they are separated, that their marriage is effectively over, that the wife is slimply their roommate at this point?

He's been lying to OP shamelessly. Isn't it likely he's been lying to OW as well?

I don’t see anywhere that she knew he was married. Having had passes from male colleagues myself, they always seem to present themselves as separated or newly divorced, if not completely single.

By contacting on IG, it seems like this coworker has uncovered his real relationship status and been horrified.

I'm sorry OP - how distressing for you. Not much you can do at this point. She may well be causing trouble - it wouldn't be the first time. Or your DH may have cheated - again, wouldn't be the first time.

I think it depends on your relationship with your DH and whether you can trust him and if you can talk about this together.

In the meantime keep your eyes open and make sure you are not vulnerable - DH should know that if he does cheat - these are the consequences. And you should know that you'd be able to live well without him. (I actually believe that's a foundation of any strong relationship, marriage or otherwise).

I really wish you well OP.

Maybe she didn’t know ? Many years ago I had a short term relationship with a guy and had no idea he was married with kids . As soon as I found out , I ended it .
Some people are very skilled liars.

As soon as you wrote "he said she's crazy and obsessive" I knew.

His dismissiveness rather than utter bewilderment tells you he's lying.

Might be a nutter, even one you know. They are out there. Be careful.

I'd imagine a crazy and obsessive woman would be acting a little more crazy and obsessive.

Well, who have you and he upset recently?

This is so shit for you OP. I couldn't tolerate not knowing for sure and would ask again for screen shots where she could hide the messages she sent but you could see his messages.

Hope you managed to get some sleep.
You do know that he is almost certainly lying but guess it's up to you what you want to believe.
Many women are happy to stick their heads in the sand and carry on as if nothing has happened 🙄